rika kawai. (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
contrarily) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
yogen2021-06-05 05:56 pm
contrarily) wrote in yogen2021-06-05 05:56 pm
( closed-ish. ) so i run, and i keep on running
Who: rika & various
what: june things.
When: throughout the month!
Where: various locations.
Warnings: n/a
a catch-all post for june! i'll be throwing custom starters
and stuff here throughout the month. feel free to throw me stuff, too,
if you're interested! i can be reached on discord, via pm or on
6/26, @amami, self-harm tw
it's probably pretty obvious she's not in a great state, honestly. normally extroverted, nowadays, she acts more like a shut-in, giving people non-commital non-answers and refusing to engage in longer conversations. it's just... hard, when her mind isn't all there, stuck on izumi's and chiaki's death, on akira's injury, on rokkun's absence, on the fact that she can't even trust her fellow transfer students, because they might be murderers responsible for her current misery, too. it hurts to care — she knows this, and she's been burned by this, and yet she let this happen again, stupidly believing that maybe this time, she wouldn't get punished by it.
the reality of this place is nowhere as pleasant, though.
back home, this kind of negativity would spill over through the blood running from her cuts. it's... stupid, and a way to escape her own feelings, but letting that out has always been strangely cathartic — when she felt like her heart might just overflow, she'd take some burden off of it with physical pain, instead. it wouldn't numb her entirely, but it'd help her get through a day after day after day, and eventually, she'd grow just distant enough from her own suffering that living would become a little easier. here... she digs her fingers into the bruises on her arm, on her side, into the broken ribs, and the pain is there, sure, but it's not enough.
the visual of blood running away with all of her worries seems almost necessary for this to work in the first place.
so during the night, when she's sure everyone's asleep, she sits by the piano, with the box cutter in hand, staring at it idly. she said she won't do it again — but mannen isn't here to stop her, and neither are any of the girls, and she's tired, she doesn't want to deal with this anymore, the blade presses into skin and it hurts but it's relieving, too, she —
ah. )
... Ran-tan. ( she sees amami a little too late, glancing up from her arm to look at his face. ) I would've gone somewhere else... but walking still hurts. ( sorry for making you look at this. )
cllose s my eyes
what he finally breaks the silence with is this: )
You could get an infection like that, you know.
( he doubts she's properly sterilizing that thing between uses.
his voice is calm, soft, and he's still not sure if it conveys what he wants to express, but it's the best he can do. it's the same as it was with their misunderstanding about rokkun; there's no judgment, no telling her what to do, no frustration or panic — any of which, he thinks, could just add to the stress that caused it in the first place. it's only concern, honest and, again, maybe a little bit more than he has the right to feel. he can't help that he does, though, and the worry colours his features now through a troubled grimace and brows pushed together even as he moves to come closer. he watches carefully to make sure that it's not an unwelcome approach, coming to a pause before he reaches her if it seems unwanted. his eyes flicker to her arm momentarily, and back to her face. )
It's alright. ( which, it's not, but he is. he will be. as for rika... ) Do you mind if I take a look?
( when all you see is the blood and not the cut... well, he can't help the concern that turns nauseous in his stomach. )
opens ur eyes
( infections are the last thing on her mind, but... it's so like amami to focus on the practical stuff first it's almost funny. she wipes the blood that trickles down her arm with her thumb absentmindedly, not wanting to deal with the void school right now — the cut is just deep enough to bleed continuously, but not particularly long or large in size, considering amami disturbed her the moment she put the box cutter to her skin.
she's not sure what to feel — is she happy he stopped her? mad? upset? ashamed? guilty? all of these, probably. she wants to scream — tell him not to look, to turn away, to mind his own business, to come closer, to please, please help her, someone — )
... ( unmoving, even as he comes closer, she shakes her head in response. if he wants to take a look, he can. she's not sure why he would, but does it really matter? he's seen everything already, and if he inspects the cut, he will see there's many more scars that already healed, though just barely. they're all still red, still fresh enough to stand out.
it's ugly, and that's why she cuts her upper arms — to make sure it's not that visible when she wears tops with shorter sleeves. )
Look, this is... if you want to turn away and forget you've ever seen it, I honestly won't give a shit. This isn't something anyone should deal with aside from myself.
u have jus...... hit me witth a lot this week
as his gaze lifts to meet with hers, he almost seems at a loss — should have expected that, probably, but really didn't. there's another pause, much shorter than the first, and his voice is calm. )
I don't really think it's something you should have to deal with by yourself, either.
( mirroring her own case as if he's one to speak. it's not quite the kind of time where one can smile. even so, there's something that faintly resembles the beginnings of one playing across the corners of his lips, coloured at the same time by worry, and almost apologetic. an effort at reassurance; he doesn't mind. really.
for now, he takes a moment to think things over. reaches into his pocket after a moment, pulling out the small mirror shard she gave him earlier, unwrapping it from the fabric he keeps over it to soften the edges, and offering that fabric to rika. )
Can you press this against it? It's probably better not to let it bleed so much.
( he doesn't think now is really the time for a void school field trip. )
the ride doesn't stop here...
( it always has been, at least. this is personal — this is a part of her she doesn't show just anybody, hidden beneath the layers of outgoing, extroverted personality meant to fool everyone into thinking she doesn't feel hurt. people rarely bother to look past what you choose to show them — it's because they don't care, and, honestly, she doesn't think it's wrong of them not to. why care, when you can simply mind your own business?
this is possibly the first time she's met so many people hellbent on... not doing just that. sure, ai was persistent, but it's not as if she ever went this far. maybe it's because of the circumstances they're stuck in, but... her life was at risk back home, too. )
... ( he wrapped the shard... that's cute, she thinks.
she just keeps hers in the pocket, and if her fingers get cut up, well, that's on her.
but she takes the piece of cloth, anyway, not feeling a void trip either, and presses it to the cut, letting the cloth soak in the blood. she watches it stain, a little dazed, and then looks back up to him. )
All I do is cause you trouble lately, huh... ?
no subject
( aesthetic tumblr voice: not to him. not if it's her.
well, in any case, he shakes his head to go with the words. his expression is still gentle — apologetic — and amami thinks over her words for a few moments longer. right, she said she would have gone somewhere else, but... yeah, so it's not like he can ask her to get up and move around right now, though he's also not a fan of just leaving open wounds as they are and hoping for the best. he weighs his options before meeting her eyes again. )
I'll be right back, okay?
( feelings are hard. survival is easy. give him a minute to push himself back to his feet here. )
no subject
she's sure he's just saying this because he knows it's what'd make her feel better — it... doesn't, really, because she still feels like a burden, and like she made him look at something he shouldn't have seen, something he didn't want to see. and... she still wants to cut. it doesn't hurt enough — it doesn't bleed enough, either, and she's getting antsy, fingers skimming over the wound, gathering blood. )
Wait — ( she grabs his wrist before he can leave, looking about as surprised she's done this as a bystander would be. she... lets go, immediately, a little embarrassed, and shakes her head. ) ... no, it's nothing, go on.
( don't leave lingers at the tip of her tongue, but... she's not a child. she can sit here for five minutes and not do anything stupid. yeah. )
no subject
( the surprise is mirrored in amami's own expression. something catches in his throat, but it only takes him a moment to swallow it down.
it's... not as if he's never been in a position like this before. maybe not so specifically, but it isn't as if he can walk away so easily now.
so instead, he'll crouch back down again. he breathes a long exhale, and he'll shift a little closer to take the fabric back from rika — uncrumpling it, straightening it, refolding it, and then moving to wrap it lightly around the part of her arm where the cut is. it's a shame he's not as good with knowing what to say as he wants to be, but maybe the actions will convey his intent better than the words he chooses. )
I'll get something for it in a few minutes then.
( because he's annoying that way, can't leave something like this even if others think it's minor. as for the fabric, it's... only just barely big enough, and that's only because he folded it before wrapping the mirror shard in it to begin with, but at least it works until he can grab something better. if she lets him do that much, then he'll be satisfied for now, properly moving so that he can sit down beside her instead of facing her. )
no subject
the idea of being left alone now is somehow scarier than the discovery itself. seen, then left again — in the back of her mind, she's well-aware amami would come back, because amami's a nice guy and he'd never just leave, but... well, it's hard trying to rationalize that to her heart.
she stares at the piece of fabric he places over the cut and purses her lips, trying to find words. she should apologize, maybe. apologies were never her strong suit, though — the word sorry makes you look so stupidly weak, doesn't it? )
I'm being a baby. ( she huffs out, finally, looking away. ) You don't need to coddle me, or anything.
no subject
( there's a pause as green eyes rest on her expression, watching to see how she takes the words. though, she doesn't need to answer to make him wonder about the approach he's using. )
Sorry, I might be overstepping things again. It's just...
( his words catch, and he offers something of a weak laugh as they die in his throat. he pulls his gaze away from her for a moment to reconsider the words he had come close to saying, and deciding on something else to replace them. there's something sad in his expression, but the smile still plays across his lips, softening the feeling. )
It'd make me feel a bit better if you let me.
( if it's for her, she might feel bad. if it's for him though, is that easier? )