( closed-ish ) ad astera per aspera

[crystallomancy]

Who: Natsume Sakasaki & various
What: July catch-all
When: 07/01 onwards
Where: looks off into the distance...
Warnings: you know what....... i bet we're gonna need some. will edit later.

ana-bolism:

Paramore was right. Hard times.

CODE BY

a little catch-all for natsume, for outside-of-event-logs-and-etc threads. you can toss your own starters for him in here too, but i appreciate being given a heads up first! we can talk at coordination or on my plotting comment here!

Comments

[crystallomancy]

( It isn't really about bringing people back for some of them: it's about taking care of problems before they can happen again, cutting a tumor out before it becomes malignant. And for others, it's just to make them feel better—to give them that control back.

A lot of the time, it's the second.

Natsume's grip doesn't loosen. )

None of us know each other that well for such sentimental feelINGS, Saihara-kun.

( Or most of them don't. There are outliers, as always. Natsume forces a steady exhale out, voice growing softer. )

I'm not ungrateFUL. ( He's mad about it, about people worrying about him, about doing things he doesn't ask them to do... About a lot of things, but mostly those two. ) But I'm not going to thank you for throwing yourself into danGER. It was a stupid move and you know IT.

( ...But he is grateful. )

[unsurely]

[ They don't know each other... that's true. But it's also true that if they die, they'll never get to know if they could have, either. Natsume might be arguing, but it only helps Shuichi solidify his resolve -- he doesn't think he's wrong, to not want to lose even a single person more than they have to. A thought he doesn't voice in the end, but his stance softens slightly as the tension leaves his shoulders.

Some of it, at least. ]

Ah... that's alright. I didn't do it for you to thank me or to owe me anything, either. Please... Sakasaki-kun, will you believe at least that? And will you... listen to me for a minute longer?

[ Because there's something he wants to explain, so for the first time since this conversation started, he fixes a pleading gaze on Natsume's face -- because this is more important than the anxious feeling in his chest, or even his hangups about people looking at him. ]

[crystallomancy]

( ...Good, because Natsume wasn't planning on doing anything to repay him, though something itches in him to do so anyway, just to make sure there's nothing left to hold over his head. He sighs a little less... angrily, stepping away a bit; his own tension unwinds too, but it's not a very willing fade—more like he's pushing it off and away. )

It's not like I have anywhere better to be right NOW.

( All he does after-hours is go to his hiding place in the ceiling and write in his notebook until he passes out. Normal teenager things. There's less irritation in his voice than his wording implies, and he looks at Shuichi expectantly... and a little curious, something he can't help but feel, especially with the look he's been given. )

[unsurely]

...Thank you. It isn't something that will take long. I promise.

[ But it's something that will still, apparently, need Shuichi to look around the corridor and make sure they're alone. Only after he ascertains that fact does an exhale leave his lips, something like a sigh of relief before he starts. ]

It's just... You remember things from outside this place, right? Most of us seem to... without any recollection of how we got here. That's the same for me, but whether it's coincidence or not... what I remember is being trapped in a different school before this one. The Ultimate Academy for Gifted Juveniles.

[ Yeah, Ultimate as in the stuff Komaeda always rants about, sorry to keep reminding you of his existence, Natsume. ]

Ah... Ouma-kun and Akamatsu-san were there, too. You can ask them to verify I'm not lying. All sixteen of us trapped in there had Ultimate Talents, just like my own, and a lot of our memories were erased at that point. So there are things I don't remember... even from before coming here.

[ He isn't mentioning Amami as an example too because... idk, let's say listing everyone wasn't the point, I don't want you to have to retcon future threads with this in mind lmao. ]

And much like right now... there was no way out. Not except one. We were told that to graduate and leave, we had to participate in a killing game. We had to kill one another... and get away with it. The mastermind had no lack of supply when it came to motives and ways to force us. Different things work on different people, after all. You can never tell... what might be important enough for someone else.

[ ... ]

Because of that... I saw people just like you. Desperate, struggling people who did what they could, and turned into murderers in a context they didn't choose.

[ That's why he's telling Natsume, specifically, and that's why it has to be now. It isn't because he's looking for pity or sympathy, or for somebody to relate to that will comfort him; it's simply because... this isn't the first time he's seen it happen. That's all. ]

[crystallomancy]

( Oh.

Natsume's quiet for a long moment, letting the information sink in. No wonder some of their number weren't so squeamish around dead bodies, for starters; their rather cavalier personalities post-confession, too... Or a certain someone's reaction anyway. If it had to do with those so-called "Ultimates," then it's possible the other people with that title were also involved in killing games—?

Things to ruminate on later. )

What is the point in telling me any of THIS? It doesn't matter to me why you told the TRUTH, or withheld another until the timing was RIGHT, just that you did because you considered it the right THING. ( Which... it was, he won't begrudge that, even if one of those murderers is much more dangerous than the other. Natsume breathes out slowly through his nose, though... hmm... ) Unless you were worried—or suspected—this school might belong to the same branch of murder academics your specialty schools DO?

[unsurely]

No... I mean, I've been considering that possibility, but I don't have any conclusive evidence.

[ So he's wary of making that call, or deciding it's a certainty. ]

But... this isn't about why I revealed everything to the others, or about why I told it in order. It's just...

[ There was tension built up; the sort of thing where his body felt frozen in place, almost scared to do anything while he talked. Because that's just the level of how important the things he was saying were -- but now that they're over, Shuichi lets out an exhale as well, slumping over against the locker next to Natsume's. Which kind of puts them side by side, but hopefully Natsume won't mind anymore by this point.

He's tired, and maybe for this part... it's alright if he looks down at the floor. ]

There was a certain other system in place at the Ultimate Academy, too. It was called a class trial... a debate meant to determine the culprit between us after each murder, or otherwise the rest of us would be executed instead.

[ Maybe from wayyyyy back during the first meeting, Natsume may remember when he interjected because of Kokichi's antics, and mentioned something to him about how a gathering of so many people couldn't go like the class trials. He's smart enough to make the connection if so, Shuichi is sure. ]

But there isn't a rule like that in here. I thought about that... and I suppose I got a little careless. I felt relieved. I could reveal what Komaeda-kun did, and what you did... and neither of you would have to die because of my detective work. We could find something else, some other resolution.

[ That sure is how he'd thought. :) ]

[crystallomancy]

( Yeah, he remembers, and the recognition of the term flickers over his face. It's uncomfortable for them to be side by side though, for Shuichi to look at the ground instead of him, because it makes it difficult to see his face in its entirety and gauge his expression. Natsume steps away from the lockers slightly, just enough to still see the whole of Shuichi's coutenance. )

...It isn't as if you did anything WRONG, so look up when you TALK. ( He sounds a little irritated, because he is. ) But you can't predict the way people will react to NEWS. Even I have trouble reading the hearts of others in times like THAT, though given Kawai-san's closeness to Kudo-chan and Sena-senpai BOTH, as well as her attiTUDE... I can't say I was surprised she reacted so violentLY.

But that doesn't mean ( he says softer, though not kinder ) that you were wrong in revealing what you had LEARNED, no more than how anyone felt--feels--after hearing about IT.

( Natsume lets that linger between them, annoyance plain, but it fades to a neutral displeasure after a moment. )

I'll deal with people being upset at me and my actions for as long as I MUST, and if they ever seek reconciliaTION, I will gratefully accept IT. I'm not going to force anyone to interact with me if they're uncomfortable with the fact I have blood on my HANDS. ( and he is afraid, really, of their hatred, of their displeasure, of the looks they give him; but he keeps these things to himself, locked away deep within his heart where such weakness can't see the light of day and can't be used against him. ) In the END, our resolution did not involve the execution of any of US. It was just to keep moving ON, being aware that there are murderers among our numBER.

( and that really, any one of them could become one. that, too, remains unspoken. even if there isn't a motive to push people into action, humans are only human. it would be silly to expect them to react with their head instead of their hearts. )

[unsurely]

[ Congratulations... Natsume gets to see Shuichi's downcast, exhausted expression, probably paler than usual too considering he's been injured quite recently and is healing from that still. There are probably traces of dark circles beneath his eyes, half-covered by hair that falls past them at that angle, though he does give the smallest start at the reprimand and his gaze traces up. Because you know, he's a good boy and kind of compelled to listen when someone scolds him by default, and maybe it's better for him that he doesn't quite realize it right now.

Either way... he's still kind of relieved to hear Natsume's thoughts. To know that he'll move on from this, and no matter how hurt or confused Shuichi knows he has to be right now, he's still willing to find a path forward. And it isn't as if Natsume didn't read part of his worries -- on the contrary, he's almost frighteningly accurate about the points he addresses, but it just so happens they're not the issue at hand. ]

No... I know all of that, on some level. If I didn't, I never would have chosen to reveal everything to the group like I did. But that wasn't... really the question here.

[ Which spares Shuichi some turmoil; it lets him sound calmer than he might have, if they were really talking about his regrets and doubts. But instead, they're talking about maybe the one thing in the whole situation he hasn't experienced regret about. ]

You were just asking me... why I got in front of Kawai-san when I did. If I did it for her... or if I was going to say I did it for you. And I suppose both of those might be true to an extent, but before that... I did it because that's what I want. Maybe... it isn't something the Ultimate Detective should have done. But as Saihara Shuichi, I wanted a resolution where we don't kill you. That's all.

[crystallomancy]

( And just how is he supposed to respond to that? It answers his question, at least; Shuichi did it because he wanted to. He, as a person, thought it would be nice if no one faced mortal repercussions for something they might have been forced into.

It would be nice. It is nice. Natsume watches him, silent, and finally lets the rest of his tension melt away. )

Thank you for telling ME. ( Congratulations, he guesses, since Shuichi got what he wanted. ) You look absolutely awFUL, so make sure you catch Kawai-san and get her to do a little makeup magic on YOU.

( He starts to leave, but his steps are slow--he drifts to a stop. )

...More importantLY, get some REST. ( He won't look at him now, but there's a small bit of care in his tone. ) The world won't end even if you take a few extra days to lay around and heal up properLY. Elizabeth-san only did so much; it's time for time itself to take care of the REST, and you walking around and going to CLASS, or checking in with people isn't going to HELP. Health concerns all parts of YOU, not just the part that was inJURED.

( natsume "we aren't close enough for such sentimental feelings but i'm going to fuss at you lowkey anyway" sakasaki.

it's his way of reassuring things are fine between them, too; shuichi's reasoning doesn't change how he feels about what happened, or impact his feelings on shuichi negatively, either. )

[unsurely]

[ Kawai-san... Rika feels like she's got enough on her plate right now, but at the very least the fact that Natsume can still speak about her in more casual terms should be a good sign. Holding back what feels like a sigh of relief, Shuichi peels himself from the locker as well when the other moves to leave, running a hand through his hair as if fixing that alone is actually going to do anything about the other things that brought on those remarks.

It doesn't sound like there's much else he can do though. He said what he wanted to, or what he thought would be necessary to be understood... he hopes, if it isn't too presumptuous, it might have proven even a little of the fact that things aren't always so black and white. There are always in-betweens, and people have motives and reasons not limited to the simple, superficial ones you can assume on the surface.

It's just a lesson that was costly for himself to learn as well, just like it feels to be for Natsume now. ]

...I will. Thank you, Sakasaki-kun.

[ Just like I thought, you're a kind person.

What he wants to say -- what he doesn't say -- and before he knows it what comes out is a copy of what Natsume himself had said, right in front of this same set of lockers, not that long ago. ]

I'll see you around.