yogen | ( SEMI CLOSED ) it's all about ascension i guess

( she doesn't mean to race for him the moment she sees him- she doesn't even know if he's in a state to truly provide what she needs right now, when she knows he's been struggling himself... even if he isn't telling her.

is he trying to protect her?

~~or is she just unreliable?~~

regardless of intent, however, nene does. she runs right up to him, all but tackling him in a hug that leaves her clinging to hinata's shirt, tears already welling up. she can't bring herself to say anything just yet. )

[His mouth is already parting open around the shape of her name the moment she starts running to him.]

Nene-

[As soon as she has her arms around him, Hinata's hands already lifting to wrap around her, swift and instinctual. The heart, put back together again by Nanami and then once more fallen apart, must make itself beat right again.

The echo of thought he had with Saihara makes pain flutter in his chest, but it's still true. If Yashiro Nene is suffering, he will be the Hinata Hajime she needs.]

...It's okay. [He soothes, shushes, runs a hand along the back of her hair.] It's going to be okay, Nene.

[He says it, even if it turns out to be a lie.

He says it, because Hinata wishes he had someone that would lie to him.]

( she stills for a moment, before her shoulders shake with silent sobs that may be from the meeting alone, and may be a flood of everything since they woke up here. who knows anymore? but there's a certain heartache that won't leave no matter what. )

I- I don't know what to do-

( she breaks the yorishiro, depowers spirits gone rouge and driven berserk. she can't help anyone else. )

[His mind races to think what it could be about, but- considering the timing, there's really only one thing, isn't there?

Unless, he notes with dread, something else happened after even that.]

Why do you need to do something, when you're already doing so much? [For a moment he considers leaning back to look at her, but feels the wetness of his shirt and thinks better of it.] ...Is this about the meeting, or did something else happen?

( only barely does she nod, but she still doesn't pull away. )

I-I don't- ( she knew hanako-kun has killed. and now, he would. losing ones humanity did that. but he hadn't, not in their time together- to see someone like her, two someones, wind up doing just that- )

Sakasaki-senpai- a-and Izumi- It's too much--

( and for a moment nene stops trying to even get words out, because she can't- she can't, she can't, she can't. it's too much. )

Oh, Nene...

[He wishes, so desperately, that he could take this pain from her. He never wanted to Nene to feel anything like what he had to endure during the Killing Game.

But as much as Hinata wants to, he knows he can't protect her from everything in this place. His own powerlessness stings, way down deep, but that isn't something he can waste time on right now.]

I'm sorry... After all of the times I've been in your shoes, I wish I had something better to give you than that. A reassurance that it gets better, or a promise that it won't happen again. But I can't. And I'm so- [He presses his forehead against the top of her hair as his voice shakes-] -so sorry...

( it's so chilling, the idea that hinata's been in this situation before- that a trusted loved one killed someone, and multiple times. nene can only try and draw him closer, as if it'll protect both of them. it won't. )

It hurts so much, Hajime-nii-- I didn't know you also-

( what does she even call this? it's miserable and painful and if this is a boundary, she hates whatever spirit's behind it, more than anything. )

What do we do...?

Don't worry about me right now.

[Soft but firm, responding in kind when he feels her pull him closer. Hinata's been trying not to give Nene a reason to worry about him all this time, especially not right now. Maybe... Maybe bringing it up was a bad idea at all, but...

It helps, sometimes, to know that you're not alone in feeling a pain that deep. And if he can't give her anything but apologies, it's the least he can do.]

I know it hurts. I know it feels unbearable, but... There's nothing else we can do, but try to prevent a "next time" from taking place.

[Who are you, something inside of him sneers, to say something like that to her, when you've never been able to save anyone at all?

He could never stop any murders on Jabberwock Island. He spent two months here thinking that he was stopping Komaeda from committing a murder, when it had been too late almost from the beginning.

Hinata shouldn't be telling Nene anything.

But... If he can be good for something- If he can give even a little of his endurance to her, then-]

Do only what you can do. We'll work as hard as we can to find a way out. Keep as close of a watch on everyone as we can. But you're only one person, Nene. [He finally pulls back, just a bit. Just enough to get a good luck at her.] So even if we do those things, don't take all of that responsibility on yourself if things go wrong again.

... I-I'm going to, because I love you.

( it's soft and sincere and so painfully shaky, because talking with a heart full of grief and hurt is hard even without heavy breathing from crying and tears stinging in your eyes.

after a moment, however, she looks away- and then back up, heartbroken and seeking. )

D-did someone... how do you handle someone you love killing someone...? Do you- do you forgive them? I don't-

( she doesn't know what to do. but she loves natsume, even now, even with all the tears she wants to cry and the pain in her chest and the churning in her stomach. she loved him-

and she knew komaeda simply didn't value lives. not if they weren't an "ultimate"- but having it confirmed so brutally like this-

knowing hanako's killed and this is so much different. it's so much worse. her mind is racing and numb all at once, and everything hurts in ways she didn't know were possible.

she'd been watching for spirits. ghosts. everything- and yet, natsume still got possessed- how is she not supposed to blame herself? she didn't once consider the idea of a piece of malevolence would be trapped within something, when her entire job is to destroy yorishiro to depower supernaturals and return them to a more peaceful state. why was she so... )

[Before Hinata can stop it, his breath catches because- no one's said that to him in a long time. Not in the way that Nene means it. Maybe his parents did once, a long time ago, but Hinata doesn't remember it anymore.

The feeling that washes over him is... very warm. Mingled with sadness, but so, so warm.]

Nene...

[He doesn't know how to process it beyond that, not completely, but Hinata tries his best to.]

You don't need to do that for me. [His voice is very quiet.] But it means a lot that you do.

[He's... trying.

But working through his own feelings about that is A Lot, so he focuses on Nene for now.]

That's... never gotten easier, though. I think at first, I didn't know if I could forgive them. Not when they'd killed another of our precious friends. But for me and the rest of my classmates, our situation was different. [He shouldn't bring this up with Nene, he thinks, but... She'll have even more questions if he doesn't explain, so he does with a good deal of regret.] The murderer was killed as well, so long as we figured out who it was. So even if I was angry at them for a while... I miss them too much to hate them. We weren't even given a chance to resolve things before they were taken away from us.

[He shuts his eyes, for just a moment, because it's too much to think about- but then Hinata breathes in again, settles himself.]

I don't... think that'll happen here. Or it shouldn't, if we've gone this long without our one murderer getting executed for it. [Very carefully not thinking about who that murderer is or anything else surrounding him.] But the only thing I can say from my own experience is that... life is too short to resent someone you cared for.

[Even as the words leave his mouth, Hinata feels his heart skip, eyes going wide with realization.

For now, he has to focus on Nene. But there's something important, there, that he needs to spend time mulling over. It would be easier, to not face it at all... But for this, he knows he needs to.]

Isn't that what family does?

( even though she asks that, she knows it's not entirely true. she's seen how aoi stiffens a bit when talking about how much she loves her father. she knows some of the people here came from horrible homes. she knows that even if her parents love her, she's not important to them.

...

she listens, resting her forehead against his chest. the meeting hurt. being so fragile that she went into a dissociative shock hurt. but knowing that he was in such a situation... that hurts too. her fists ball up against his back, digging her nails into her palms with more force than she thinks, and eventually nene nods.

she understands. which is why she knows he will, too. )

I- I wanted more time with Izumi-nii. I wanted to have lunch with Sakasaki-senpai again. I-

I still love him, a-and I believe him, about being effected- ( possessed. ) -but... I don't know if I can face him yet...

Family, huh...

[He thinks of distance and never being good enough, clearer in his head than it was before he remembered, and wonders how he'd ever thought he had a talent.]

Family hasn't been like that for me in a long time, I think.

[Here, right now, with Nene... feels more like home than his own, and they don't even have beds to rest in here.]

I know it's hard. When you think of all the things that you did with them, and all the things you wished for that you never got to do...

[The reassurances he never got to give Tsumiki until she stopped startling so badly around him. All the times he wishes he could talk to Pekoyama and see if she'll let her guard down. Hanamura's food that he'll never taste again.

And... finding out what "it" was from Nidai. Trying to watch over Saionji, just to see if she'll be a little kinder. Listening to Mioda's music one more time, trying to appreciate it now that he knows that he can't. Getting scolded by Koizumi.

Listening to all the things Togami was supposed to tell him.]

It's okay, if you can't face Sakasaki yet. You don't need to force yourself, either. Maybe you'll be ready tomorrow, or maybe you won't be ready for a very long time. But whenever it happens... Just remember that feeling, of wanting to have lunch with him again, and remind yourself it's something you haven't lost yet.

... I- I know. For me too. My parents are never home. I'm not important to them.

( it's a stumbled, jumbled confession- but when it's the first time admitting it, isn't that natural? they love her, of course, and truly. )

But... maybe, despite everything, that's why we have each other... ( and hajun, and i-

and izu-

... and...

she doesn't finish that thought. she just hugs hajime a little bit tighter, resting her forehead against him again as her shoulders shake a little. )

T-thank you. For everything.

Nene...

[It burns, that she knows what that's like. Sweet, kind Nene, who makes everything brighter wherever she goes. And they don't value that?

It isn't fair.]

I know... that what I'm about to say doesn't make it better. Believe me I know, but- [Hinata places both of his hands on her shoulders and squeezes, very lightly.] ...You're important to us. To me, and so many other people here. And not a single one of us would wish for you to be here and going through this... But you make everything feel like it'll be okay, somehow.

[He lets his forehead drop next to wear his hand his on top of her, and when he speaks, Hinata's voice is pained.]

I wish I'd met you outside of here, where things weren't so awful.

[He lets that hang in the air, just for a moment while he gathers himself, and then he manages to start talking again.]

...You don't need to thank me. But you're welcome. Even if I can't fix everything... I'll always be here for you.

( how can he say that? when she's let people get hurt for her cowardice- when the imps ran rampant with dangerous pranks and she didn't think to let anyone know but the one person who already knew about her sight? she still hasn't even told hajime... she's not brave enough.

if anyone makes it feel like things are going to be alright, it's him. even know, when she'd been bawling her heart out just moments earlier... )

When we escape here... if we're sent back to our homes, will you search for me?

( she asks it quietly- it feels like, if she's right, and they're all from different universes, it's an impossible task... but. this school brought them all here, didn't it? so... maybe... )

I don't- I don't want to be without you. You're my big brother- I can't lose you too... I'll look too, I promise.

[It still feels like a lot to process - that somebody wants him around, cares about him, would go through that much just to find him...

His chest aches, but strangely, not in a bad way.]

...Yeah. I'll look for you. [He nods, even though it's lost to the top of her head.] No matter how far, no matter how long it takes. I'll make sure we see each other again.

[He won't lose her again.

Hinata's an only child. He doesn't know how to be a big brother, and he's never really had the best examples in his life of love.

But for her, he'll try. He'll learn.]

I don't know... if it's something I know how to be, or even really deserve... [He breaks off that train of thought. Hinata can have his time for that when he's alone, after Nene is okay.] But after everything we've been through, I still want to have you in my life. So I won't give up, no matter what.

( nene can't help the tears on her face- and god she hopes it's not making scales show up, because she knows with how her heart has been pounding and how she's been crying she didn't hear much of anything. but she still holds hinata tight, looking up at him ever so slightly- )

I won't either. I promise.

( SEMI CLOSED ) it's all about ascension i guess

CLOSED TO @FUTUREBULLETS, SOME TIME AFTER THE MEETING

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sdr2 spoilers up to chapter 4

NENE NO....

CRYING

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