[Why does this keep happening. He'll have a plan, he'll go in... and the moment it all starts to go wrong it just, he just... falls apart. Sidney's expression is painful to him; he's deliberately not looking at it, he doesn't want to see the pity and disgust and shock that must be there. But like picking at a scab he can't help but sidelong glance and it's... steady and grave and that's almost worse. He can't hold it at all.
'There's nothing shameful in wanting to live' and Shin makes a small weak noise as two of the broken shattered bits in him equally weakly and no less viciously tear at each other briefly. He focuses hard on holding it together as Sidney proceeds to describe a horrible, horrific game, of the sort Shin knows but somehow worse... doing it over and over and over... he can't think about it. He can't help but think of simulations... did any... lets not go down that road. Four roles, and Sidney's being to die...]
Exactly as I was supposed to... [He didn't even tell anyone about the exit, was only thinking in the moment of his own skin. How is it this hurts more than Sidney hating him for it? Is he just hiding it, using this? He can't even be certain about that right now, everything's all in pieces, scattering light like reflections. His tone is the small airy muzziness of someone not fully connected in to current events.] And so did you... You make it sound so neat and tidy when you put it like that, ahaha. Like it really is just a game...
[You can watch his demeanor and composure being brushed off, placed back on, with only some lingering lack of breath and a sense of resignation for it. He reaches for the first internal shard and it draws ignored blood. He can't understand it, really.]
Guess that's how it is, huh. Are we just... stuck like this?
[Not for the first time he feels a sense of inevitability grip it's claws down, the kind of grip he'd tried to become someone else to evade and didn't, in the end, like the story of a fox that gnawed off three legs to escape a trap and was still stuck. Cycles repeating themselves, over and over... leading back to the same place every time.]
nooo this is a good meal
'There's nothing shameful in wanting to live' and Shin makes a small weak noise as two of the broken shattered bits in him equally weakly and no less viciously tear at each other briefly. He focuses hard on holding it together as Sidney proceeds to describe a horrible, horrific game, of the sort Shin knows but somehow worse... doing it over and over and over... he can't think about it. He can't help but think of simulations... did any... lets not go down that road. Four roles, and Sidney's being to die...]
Exactly as I was supposed to... [He didn't even tell anyone about the exit, was only thinking in the moment of his own skin. How is it this hurts more than Sidney hating him for it? Is he just hiding it, using this? He can't even be certain about that right now, everything's all in pieces, scattering light like reflections. His tone is the small airy muzziness of someone not fully connected in to current events.] And so did you... You make it sound so neat and tidy when you put it like that, ahaha. Like it really is just a game...
[You can watch his demeanor and composure being brushed off, placed back on, with only some lingering lack of breath and a sense of resignation for it. He reaches for the first internal shard and it draws ignored blood. He can't understand it, really.]
Guess that's how it is, huh. Are we just... stuck like this?
[Not for the first time he feels a sense of inevitability grip it's claws down, the kind of grip he'd tried to become someone else to evade and didn't, in the end, like the story of a fox that gnawed off three legs to escape a trap and was still stuck. Cycles repeating themselves, over and over... leading back to the same place every time.]