subaru "show-off hot quasi-scatterbrain" akehoshi (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
starrypoint) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
yogen2021-10-01 08:00 am
starrypoint) wrote in yogen2021-10-01 08:00 am
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☆ now's your chance to be a ☆ | un: s.akehoshi
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buy beautiful sparkling shining gemstones!
chat up the cute shopkeeper!
walk through that door today and meet the suncatcher of your dreams!
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cobwebs!
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prices you won't see anywhere else, here! at the student store!
support your local business today!
at the
~*~student store~*~
when you're here, you're one of a kind!
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( not only that, he would have continued with the giving aspect as well, but he wanted to give one another some breathing room on the idea of it. it's subaru emphasizing on the matter that makes komaeda's smile remain, almost like a dog who's enjoying the bone being thrown, and in turn, he tosses one back.
to call it loss is because you can take, want, and need, but at the end of the day when it comes to loss... you lose. when you give, you never actually lose, and also the terminology that komaeda knows it by when it comes to "take" is because he understands how rokkun works, he knows how the aratas tend to take without having anyone to tell them otherwise. it's good that they can do that, it may be harsh, rude, and unexpected, but that's how far their will goes, and it's not like it should be frowned upon. )
They're not so different from you, knowing the consequences of giving, and it's why you hardly understand the romantic aspect of your life, but you're willing to try... to "give". As for them... they know the consequence, they've already gave, so what is it that they're able to give to you? What you want from them is their person — body and soul — not their objects, not their hand holding, just their person and hope... but if they're scared...
( he looks at subaru. ) If... they're scared of giving you that...
( because if they give their person in that way, then they'd obtain all the love they ever wanted... he chuckles, running a hand through his own hair. )
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so he nods, because komaeda's on the right track, and so he can give a little.]
It's because they don't want to get attached. Because when you start to give yourself to other people, you're inviting them to scrape you out like a pumpkin, and you're giving them the chance to take what they learn and hurt you with it.
[he can't forget the words so quietly spoken only the empty store had given them any volume, can't forget the tears hot on his collar. wouldn't anyway, no matter what happens in the future.
so if that heart and soul is fractured, splintered, missing pieces to others or because of others, subaru wants to replace them with gold.]
They were so quiet when I asked them for their name, like it wasn't theirs to give in the first place. That same day I learned why they sold their totems, about things you give and can't get back, and that they didn't like the dark. One only of 'em is important to us right now though.
[... two of them are connected but still.]
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...Names have powers.
( he repeats off the tip of his tongue which is a familiar phrase rokkun has told him before, the irritation in his voice when komaeda called him outside the nickname that was given to him. but it's because of subaru's wording like they weren't meant to have it... he wonders if the same rules apply, it's why they say not to give your name in the dark, or the spirits can take full control of you. that's how everything works around here. )
...
( and komaeda glances up subaru, his eyes trained on his person, almost like there's something he understands. )
What... ( he remembers learning that they're here because of a contract that they made, the one that helps them sell their wares, how they're protected under the school. when komaeda commented about speaking to the person that gave them their contract, they rejected the idea, and stated their contracts are fair so to make them with them.
...hm. ) ...unfair contract did they make, it's part of why they sell those totems, why they hate when people they care for even take part in trying to purchase them.
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... not at the moment, anyway. not without reversing death itself.
subaru's quiet, and komaeda can tell he's debating saying any more, before he scoots closer and talks lower, as if hiding from the spirits too.]
For something important to them, they made a deal with someone. The price was their very existence.
[... he pauses just to let that soak in, but he continues soon after.]
To be honest, it wouldn't matter if I graduated or not -- the rest of this year is all they get. Keigo's not like us, they're not part of the cycle anymore.
[samsara, they'd called it. komaeda probably knows the word and its meaning, but subaru prefers the layman's.
but he didn't like that, and so he's going to change it. he's going to change their unfair future, it's just
he can't do it alone.]
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You said when they told you their name, that it was like they weren't meant to have it? ...Do you understand the notion of names having powers, do you believe... that sort of existence was traded.
( he hums, is it one of those instances they have to get their name back to make them a person again? )
That's what I get from what you said... and would explain why they're omitted out the cycle that we have...
( it's only a theory, nothing they can make a solid claim about, but when he thinks of the name "kogamo," it makes him wonder. he did ask the other about their name, and they said it was one offered to them by their mother, and even then... komaeda has his reservations, but maybe subaru heard something to that effect. )
...Can what they purchase before time's up really be that useful, or are they deluding themselves. There's only so many months left, money can't be the fastest way, not like the source.
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It has to be worth something, at least in Keigo's mind, even if it might've just been the only option they saw they had. And... they told me what I'm doing now is help enough for them. That I can trust they'll have it all by the due date, so I don't have to do anything more than what I have already.
[... it's not that he doesn't trust that, the issue is--]
But they asked me to help them, Maddy. They're scared. Even if they get what they want-- what they need in the end, they don't want to never see us again. And they're trusting me to do everything I can to change that end. [a beat.] That's why I'm telling you.
[komaeda, who knows infinitely more than him. who can do things subaru can't. who keigo trusts, speaks fondly about at least.
... he has to tell amami too...]
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( it's not about the person, no, it's about their hope at the end of the day, and there's nothing to be seen if they don't make it to that goal. it's like yanking komaeda's chain so that he follows along as company, but there's actually something he wants for his time. that happens to be the hope of the individuals around him, and he looks at subaru who's sincere and cares about what will happen to them — that it's something they need to prevent. )
It's almost like a subplot... if we're active enough, maybe we can find a clue... this isn't a coincidence.
( ...don't mind him, he's just speaking thoughts. aside from that, he closes his eyes, thinking a little more on the subject. )
Kogamo is the name that I know them by. ( a cherished name, a sacred name that he heard rokkun say when they took him back to the cabin, and there he met with his sibling despite only having so much energy left in him. ) ...I'm not sure if they recall it, or know it... but I wouldn't say it to them unless you're sure... when you tell them things they don't remember... it's... an unbearable sight.
( he thinks back to telling rokkun about his memory, an the way the other got upset about it, absolutely betrayed knowing that about four people knew his memory — his dream. the anger, the fear, there was so much komaeda witnessed, and by the end of it, to hear someone say they wouldn't cry, but he did before the night went into silence... that person who cares so much for their sibling... )
If they asked you to help, then you must support their hope, help them before their foundation breaks... they wouldn't have asked if it wasn't crumbling right before their eyes.
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Kogamo, huh...?
[it must've been something their family called them, then... their brother or sister. maybe that afterthought of a father. keigo, kogamo, kamo-kun, p-kun... so many names, so many. which do they know as theirs, and which were given to them...?
subaru lays his head down, chin tucked against his arms. this is trust for trust. there's no question or doubt that he'll do everything he can to make that wish come true, to help them out however he can, to change their fate -- but komaeda impressing it further like this gives him some relief, in a way.]
Gotcha. I'll keep the name safe, and I won't let their foundation crumble any further. [whatever that foundation is. attachment? attachment, giving, relationships...
oh that's gonna be tough. it's fine. he grins widely up at komaeda, genuinely bright and confident--] I'll become their new foundation if that's what it'll take -- not because I want 'em to rely on me, or because I don't trust them, but because I love them and don't want them to be scared anymore.
[they have something against relying on others, after all, wanting to be dependable and trusted and such-- he knows, he gets it from the bottom of his heart, so he thinks he understands how he can help.]
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We'll see if you can do just that, become their foundation... allow their hope to shin bright, because normal people are... fragile, you break so easily.
( compared to an ultimate who has their talents to get them by, to make them more than normal, and here he is with someone in the crawlspace that komaeda sees nothing in. he sees nothing, and yet he gave him something so vital — it's because he knows how npckun was, how they acted when komaeda brought them up. he'd be an idiot if he ignored the signs, he can even see how they treat amami, and no matter how much komaeda closes his eyes to the relationships — that he should be the one who's the messenger between those who lack talent and do have talent, they tend to get past him, through him, and it's annoying.
now, if he permits them. it's a differerent story, because they can't do anything to effect an ultimate. and in the end, those without talent drives each other, and so that hope they build can be almost as successful. )
...
( however. )
What is hope if not an essence to love? It's not a physical aspect, Akehoshi-kun... symbolic in every word, hope can and cannot be touched... but in the end, it depends on what your hope is... and theirs is right before their eyes at every moment. They'll reach it with their hand... like hope held mine.
( and for a moment, he thinks about hinata grabbing his hand... but it's easily dismissed as he looks at the other. )
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[... even if he's a thankfully talentless loser, or especially because he's one--]
There's nothing that can hold me back, 'cause one way or another I'll find a way to do what I want. Whether I've gotta break through a few walls, make my own path, or follow the straight and narrow, I'll do whatever it takes. I don't really get "hope" the way you call it, but... I think I've got something similar, so I'll just use that to understand what you say.
[it really gets over his head sometime, to the point he wants to tune it out, but he's determined to understand komaeda -- because they're friends, or at least subaru wants to be friends with him.]
Their "hope" is the thing that "sparkles the most" in all the world to them. It's not the only thing, 'cause you can have plenty of sparkling things, but it's the thing that shines the most, that glitters in the darkness, that they're pretty much guided by -- like how sailors did back in the day, using only the stars in the sky.
[he'll watch komaeda, just to see his reactions. but it's casual. he's not about to get into the philosophy of "sparkling things".]
For me, the things that "sparkle the most" are the memories I have with my friends. Every single one, good and bad, make me who I am, and drive me forward. They're the sparkling smiles of my fans, of my friends, of the people I care about -- they're simple gifts, even if they're nothing but fake jewels, because it doesn't matter what something is as long as the person who got you it was thinking of you even the littlest bit.
For you, it's... [...] The future. You want a good, bright future, and you follow others who have more "sparkling things" than you do, people who can guide others.
[like stars in the sky.]
And you help them find their "sparkling thing" in return, because every one's "sparkling thing" is something special to them, that they can use to shine light on someone else's. To guide them to theirs, and create the brightest, shiniest, most glittering, twinkling, sparkling future ever. Even normal people like me have something we're willing to give, to add to that.
Even if someone steps on us, uses us to reach into the sky, our sparkling things are still important, and they're still ours.
[...]
Keigo's something sparkling to me, too. I'll help them reach the sky and make sure they don't fizzle out.
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he knows the other's spiel is to watch for komaeda's reaction, to see if he understands where he's coming from which would result in praise — acknowledgement. yet, he doesn't agree with some of it. his hope? being the future? no, his hope... the thing is, komaeda has no hope, he has nothing, he's just a stepping stone to help the other hopes. to guide them, to help them isn't his hope at all, but he'll look for hope, reach out for it — his future isn't even something to think about, because he only has so much time until that inevitable end. )
What challenges that "sparkling" thing to you?
( he's giving in for a moment to subaru's terminology, curious, because for komaeda what plays a key role in hope is despair, the one thing that can happen, and hope will effortlessly wipe it away. to have a hope that's bright, there are pieces that involved to strengthen they will, their wants, the hope that they have to become an even stronger hope for the world. )
Is that essence the way your world lives, that if you lose that... your whole life crumbles? There's nothing left of you but a husk of what was.
( hope can be the end of someone that loses it, and others are lucky, but komaeda's mind doesn't let him see outside that perspective because all he's ever had is hope. it's what keeps him going, alive at this rate, because other moments are chances to die, unfortunately this talent of his keeps him here. )
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The same thing that challenges your "hope", duh! And... yeah, to all of that.
[the second part's said a little softer, the brightness fading somewhat as he rests his cheek in his hand.]
If someone runs out of those sparkling things, or doesn't find meaning in them anymore... If someone ruthlessly crushes another person's sparkling thing with their own, whether they mean to or not, then that person can't live anymore.
[...]
It happened a lot at Yumenosaki. Natsume and I are survivors of it, actually, helped by others whose sparkle shone the same way. There's a whole cenotaph dedicated to everyone who gave up, or couldn't find a will to live after their shining dreams were crushed.
[people who had weak hopes, essentially.]
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( yes, those are weak hopes, if he tries to understand it in his layman's terms, those are just people above who the normal set who were too weak to survive in the stronger group. which yes, it could be said that natsume and subaru had stronger hopes, hence why they were able to survive unlike the rest. that's how it's framed, and yet komaeda will give natsume credit due to his own hope that's steadily growing — a small flame, like a candle that can easily be blown away, but it's reluctant, and for something so small... it's able to stay out of the way of harsh winds.
as for subaru, komaeda feels no hope from him, like an empty husk that gives off no light. )
Killing themselves so hopelessly, even their deaths won't mean anything, and yet a cenotaph was erected for them? A waste...
( cruel, yes, but why when their hope was so weak? there's no need for it, but there were memorials left behind back home, too, in order to represent the fallen ultimates. )
...What did their deaths give you, when they died? Hope to keep going? Or did you all pity them...
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[he can answer that, he guesses. it was a general consensus.]
A lot of people just didn't want to end up that way, so... they quit, they kept their heads down, or they became stronger.
[... the cenotaph isn't exactly a waste, objectively, there were people who had friends and family that would be missed -- subaru could have easily become a name on it, if his light had continued to be snuffed out, but it hadn't and he didn't. he feels pity for the people who lost their lives, but he feels anger more than anything that it happened in the first place.]
And don't call it a waste! I don't have names to mourn on it, but there're other people who do. Everyone deserves to be missed by someone, I don't care what you say.
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( there's weak hope and strong hope, the two things that matter to komaeda, but the strongest of all hopes is what's important for everyone. though that despair, anyone can find the hope that will persevere through all darkness, it's light overcoming it all and exposes a world for everyone to see. in a way, the cenotaph isn't a waste for what it can symbolize, but for komaeda, the end of subaru's statement misses him. )
You said you were helped by others, because you and Sakasaki-kun couldn't do it alone, or you'd rot like the rest.
( that's what he's getting out of this as he turns on his side, looking at subaru for a moment. then he glances into the palm of his hand, frowning like he's been hurt by this realization. his brain teeters both back and forth: )
Isn't a good thing those people died... that it built you to move forward. It's sad over those that were lost, people you can't get back... it's why you have to keep your head up, or you'll lose the path you've walked, and fall just like them. ...The wisteria, also your cenotaph.
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I wish they hadn't died, though. [of course. a loss of life is a loss.] Everyone whose name is on that memorial's someone who really wanted to be an idol, because the slackers who didn't were the ones who came out completely unharmed.
[who left. who saw their priceless paradise, their eden between the rivers, turn into something they'd have to work for instead.
slackers. it's a bitter word, an unusual tone for the otherwise bright boy, but he doesn't seem to linger on it.]
The past's the past and we can't change that! But we can always change the future, so... yeah. It wasn't a good thing they died, but it was... [he weighs the words, unable to look at komaeda.] Eichi-senpai called the whole thing necessary.
[... so it was necessary. the strictness, the cutthroat methods. subaru wouldn't agree, but at least it scared off the people who weren't serious -- the ones who mocked him for his passion, who drive knives into the still-scabbing wounds.]
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( komaeda nods right after, as if that's what stood out to him the most. they can mourn over the deaths of those who didn't make it, but at the end of the day, it brought something positive considering their lives seem better now than it was back then. to watch people fall by their actions builds a certain structure for those to live by, explaining to them that if they don't follow the same path that everything can be avoided — a lesson taught. )
You agree, don't you? That's why you hate to look at me, because you wish it wasn't... but it was. That's how hope is formed, Akehoshi-kun. ( people don't want to accept it, and while he watches subaru, trying to figure out how he falls on the scale of things is easy, especially on the libra scale that weighs his actions. )
Despairing times brings upon a hopeful future, and it's a surprise for how kind and open you are to say those "slackers" are... beneath you.
( don't get him wrong, to him in a way, those are people who aren't a cut below, they're people still beings who can probably make it to being ideal like the rest of the idols, they still have a chance — as for the untalented, they can never have talent — penguins can't fly just because they want to. and yet, komaeda accepts those slackers as the problem, those who drag down the light of everyone else, and came out unscathed, and unfortunately they should have added with the body count. )
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the part that follows makes him still, though, and he decides to draw circles in the dust of the crawlspace. it's easy to focus on that and breathe, rather than to let the defiant shame of someone called out take over him--]
Shut up.
[nevermind. he's mad because komaeda's right, because he does agree to a point, even if he wouldn't have liked all those innocents to be hurt in the process -- subaru is a just boy, a good and just boy, and... the people who died weren't guilty of anything besides having less fortune than others. or less hope, as komaeda might put it; their dreams weren't sparkling enough, weren't strong enough, and they died for it. because of it.]
You don't get it. [...] Maybe you would, but you wouldn't at the same time. Yumenosaki's... a private performance arts school that was famed for really churning out idols, along with other pieces of the industry. Mostly idols though. My dad was an alumni too, it goes way back.
[... despite him thinking komaeda wouldn't get it, it seems he's still willing to talk.]
It got to the point where people could sorta slide along though, as long as they took the idol course. As long as they said they were part of something, they'd get favor in class, they'd be guaranteed to graduate, people would worship the ground they walked on... even if they didn't do anything at all besides a few half-assed performances. My class was full of people like that.
[slackers.]
I don't hate 'em though. I mean, it's a waste of energy to, y'know? They did what was best for them, so good riddance~.
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such effort was bred into, hence why his father is also part of it, but to be dated so far back, their methods must have nice been the best, hence why nothing stayed the same, and lives were lost along the way. how did he think, how did he act during his time within yumenosaki — were those simpler times, or the steady creation to what builds yumenosaki now? it leaves a lot to inquire, but komaeda's thoughts wander.
he swallows down the thick saliva in his throat, listening properly as he watches subaru speak — he's not a kind person at all, but his words say one thing, and the tone says another. it's this sort of conversation that komaeda likes to pick apart, and it's why he enjoys the psychological aspect of it all. they had to do something to be part of anything, if they did nothing... they just took up space, it sounds so desperate. so, so desperate that knowing people who didn't have to do anything sat, and wasted their time with "half-ass performances" as subaru says makes komaeda feel slightly ill, those are the people who drag down others, that snuff out the light, and block the way of those who truly deserve their praise.
the end of it though, the good riddance, it reads that they're gone, and komaeda can only frown at the thought of those who lacked talent sitting in a room to have a light cast over them, to be loved and adored by doing nothing. uncomfortable, but he stares at subaru like he's tired, but maybe that's because the nature of the conversation is mostly just those who lack anything still obtaining a personal gain. one can be admirable not hating them, considering they're not worth his time, but it almost feels like they still crawl beneath his skin... he's aware they didn't deserve the acknowledgement for how much they've lacked.
a shame. )
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... maybe he said too much.
maybe he'd given away his bitterness at the people who hadn't tried at all, who'd mocked him for putting in so much effort when you could do the bare minimum in and still get a good job simply by being a graduate of the prestigious academy. no one who really wanted to be an idol went to yumenosaki in those days, which sounds like it was ages ago when really it wasn't two years since--
they went because it was an easy elevator to success.]
... What?
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( subaru did tell him to shut up at the start of this, so maybe he was feeling a bit bold and wanted to rub in komaeda's face how incompetent he was, and that he needed to be quiet during the story. komaeda does seem shocked that he's allowed to talk, and if the surprise in his voice doesn't say so, then the expression he wears should. sometimes you feel lowly to another person, or maybe he does it because he knows subaru will hate it, but at the moment where he seemed higher valued than the others who leeched off the success of others, it's not like he was wrong for doing so.
sometimes you gauge others actions by doing the little things, which happened to be this. )
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...
yeah, still maddy. he'll pinch harder for the trash comment and then let go so he can use his arms as a pillow again. he doesn't talk about yumenosaki often. talks about the bad parts even less. near non-existent, actually, so now he's hyper-aware of the fact he has and he doesn't know why komaeda cares to compare himself to trash besides to annoy him.]
Only if you don't call yourself trash again. Sorry for snapping at you, Maddy.
[because that's all it was.]
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( simple as that, but he lifts a hand to rub at his cheek which will definitely leave a bruise, already evident as his cheek is a little red. the way blood slowly rushes back to that area given the state of his body. not the point, though, instead he'll return back to the subject at hand. )
You understand that those who ate off others are nothing but leeches... to be given fame freely, that school was destroying itself from the inside out.
( even hope's peak guranteed someone who graduated a spot with other successors, that's why so many were excited to go — for komaeda, he had a passion for ultimates, and their craft, just like subaru did for idols. )
It does seem like that purge was necessary, it kept the strong united, and weeded out the weak... that's how you strengthen new growth.
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[simple as that. komaeda doesn't ride on the coattails of anyone in subaru's opinion, he's always there with a hand. maybe not a strictly helping hand, but a hand. and besides. komaeda is his friend.]
And... even if it was at the time, like Eichi-senpai said, I still don't like it. It's one thing to make everything stricter, but you could feel the effect of it into my second year. It started making it hard for people who were trying their best to get anywhere, all because they weren't part of an already beloved unit.
[in other words, the scale slid to the other side. rather than slackers being an issue, it was idols themselves.]
People assumed upstarts weren't anything to bother with, so any performance that had them as a follow-up act was left as soon as the fan favorites' show ended... It was terrible. So it started like, choking new growth instead.
[to put it in a komaeda way]
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( that being said komaeda knows his, even if he finds himself a cut above subaru, that doesn't mean he isn't filtered with the trash that subaru calls slackers. besides, komaeda's placement is that he's between the weak and the strong, and so that the strong won't have any problems posed to them due to the weaker leeches begging for their attention, komaeda handles everything accordingly. )
Hm? ...You misunderstand them, even if things were strict, it was all up to how far you pushed yourself, but why does it matter... you mentioned before your unit was loved, didn't you? Did you feel bad for others because you knew they were weaker than you? Akehoshi-kun... are you perpetually hounded by their adverse fate? To be fair, hope can escalate to blinding amounts... it was all on them if they were able to reach it.
( choking new growth, or perhaps that new growth didn't understand that they had to grow quickly to weave their vines with the already groundbreaking hope that shaped their future? it is in a komaeda way that he can understand, and he's glancing down at the surface of the crawlspace as his fingers brush against the dust, pushing it to the side with his fingers, but it does build under a few of his fingernails (some gone, others in half). hm, then if that's the case. )
...Rather, would you call everything before the new growth despair, which ruined it all, which should be eradicated for the weaker growth to be allowed a chance? Who is the opposite of your hope... ah, sparkles?
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