![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
(open) break yourself inside out
who: Whoever wants to show up.
what: Nine body pileup, who wants to compile info.
when: 10/7, at least
where: Dorms study hall
warnings: Attempted murder over children's games
[in the afternoon, a message shows up on the forums. is she copying Natsume? utterly, since his organization is why she's thinking about this.]
h.adams
Please try to set aside an hour or so of your time this evening at around 7:30 pm to return to the study hall. I'd like to speak with as many people as possible regarding the recent incident in the school.
-H.A.
[and she won't be replying to anything posted below it.
by the time the hour rolls around, Helena's set herself up in the study hall with the rolling whiteboard she took from the school set up. the markers are a toss up between colors, but the important part is there. she's seated herself by it, and when 7:30 hits, an alarm on her PDA goes off. silencing it, she stands up.]
Thank you for coming. I realize it's another demand on people's time, but given the vast scope of the murders, there's more to be said than unsaid. With it, we had no choice but to split up and find what we could, to do our best at the least to remember and categorize what we saw. Generally speaking, I'd like if we could pool our resources to see if we might draw any parallels between what was where, and if there are any peculiarities to distinguish this or that event.
With that said - [she points behind her at the whiteboard, where Rantarou has been kind enough to write out a list] - if we could try to speak individually, we could write down anything critical shared, so we could look at it from a larger perspective. As well, if something comes up in other days, we could reconvene and add in new information.
As I am unable to do it for you, please allow my dependable transcriber to do so. And a final note before we begin - if anyone becomes overly agitated, I request that you kindly step outside until you can keep your voice to a moderate level. Sound echoes well enough without yelling added to the mix.
Let's begin.
what: Nine body pileup, who wants to compile info.
when: 10/7, at least
where: Dorms study hall
warnings: Attempted murder over children's games
[in the afternoon, a message shows up on the forums. is she copying Natsume? utterly, since his organization is why she's thinking about this.]
h.adams
Please try to set aside an hour or so of your time this evening at around 7:30 pm to return to the study hall. I'd like to speak with as many people as possible regarding the recent incident in the school.
-H.A.
[and she won't be replying to anything posted below it.
by the time the hour rolls around, Helena's set herself up in the study hall with the rolling whiteboard she took from the school set up. the markers are a toss up between colors, but the important part is there. she's seated herself by it, and when 7:30 hits, an alarm on her PDA goes off. silencing it, she stands up.]
Thank you for coming. I realize it's another demand on people's time, but given the vast scope of the murders, there's more to be said than unsaid. With it, we had no choice but to split up and find what we could, to do our best at the least to remember and categorize what we saw. Generally speaking, I'd like if we could pool our resources to see if we might draw any parallels between what was where, and if there are any peculiarities to distinguish this or that event.
With that said - [she points behind her at the whiteboard, where Rantarou has been kind enough to write out a list] - if we could try to speak individually, we could write down anything critical shared, so we could look at it from a larger perspective. As well, if something comes up in other days, we could reconvene and add in new information.
As I am unable to do it for you, please allow my dependable transcriber to do so. And a final note before we begin - if anyone becomes overly agitated, I request that you kindly step outside until you can keep your voice to a moderate level. Sound echoes well enough without yelling added to the mix.
Let's begin.
picks you up and throws you to the farthest reach of the world
their struggles are different, komaeda has suffered for twenty-three years of his life, he is no idol, he is ultimately apathetic person noticed by no one. this talent of his calls for nothing but disasters, but it's his strongest power that he uses when there's nothing else left. uncontrollable, rampant, even now between the crawling above them that causes debris to shake down from the tiles to between them where they sit, or how the crack within the toilet deepens, and runs further. )
"On the brink of sleep I have a gloomy thought: that saving yourself is only pushing yourself even deeper into the trap rather than getting out. Dying is the only way out." Author, Erri De Luca.
( he looks up at subaru, eyes meeting with his afterwards, and while the other's fingers dance with little stars, he doesn't say anything else. it's something for him to think about, for the other to break down, because if subaru sees the people around him in the position that he was... doing this to save them, he'll regret it. they'll come a time where saving is not the option, and dying will be his course of action, why save when he can let them die, because it's not unfamiliar for someone to burn alive, and then awake months later to push off the ashes that cover their body. )
Explain it to the best of your ability.
STOOOOOOOP CLINGS TO
[it always makes him think too much, winds him around words until he's sick of it -- and yet he's still entertained komaeda every time they start on a new round, and subaru often wonders why. maybe because it's not a direct way of picking at him, the way that natsume tended towards, so it doesn't put him on edge quite the same way. again and again it reminds him of eichi, someone he's fond of, someone he looks up to and is equals with... reminds him of nagisa too, always winding around a point and knowing it's rarely understood -- but subaru likes to understand him, too, strikes at the heart and gets the same in return.
...
but it's obvious subaru's thinking, despite his words, chewing on his bottom lip and letting the stars do their work as he presses his hand against komaeda's chest gently. once he's satisfied with them... or rather, when he's gonna have to be, the magic disappearing like a flame against a whip of wind, he'll let his hand stay there and give an answer.]
The more you wanna help someone that's like you, the more you'll... end up hurting yourself when you can't do anything for them, or when they don't want you to.
[going on their situation at the moment, komaeda's own words and the beliefs subaru's gathered over their talks; he knows he's a bleeding heart himself, he knows he tends to show it off to the world because there's no reason not to -- the bright, whole side of it anyway, turned inside out so the worse of the scars don't show. everyone had been content to pretend there hadn't been a crying child, so he was too.]
Something like that~. The dying's literal, I guess.
[he understands it with himself and keigo too, after all. that's why he's putting his trust in them to do what they can do.]
LET GO WORM
If you understand that, then are you willing to die for all that you do?
( it begs the question could subaru save himself, did he fail, and is that why he looks for himself in others? he lifts one hand, wrapping it around subaru's wrist that's probably already sensitive, and komaeda slowly draws it away from his chest. he probably has a bit of blood on the palm, and so it's best not to touch anything around them. instead, komaeda will hold the male's hand in his own grasp, prosthetic wrapped around, and his organic as well. )
You continue giving pieces of yourself away... what will be left, Akehoshi-kun...
wont. ur mine now
subaru is willing to die for it, though. ideally he wouldn't have to, but if it came down to it -- he'd throw himself without thinking into harm's way for what he believes, who he believes. if he hadn't had the hacking gun, he would've risked his own self to draw the monokuma's eyes back to him with a new purpose and strength born from wanting to protect another... he intends to answer as such too, feeling the light beat of komaeda's heart beneath his palm,
but there's always a second part, letting his hand be taken and held cupped the way it is now. it doesn't change his answer, at least, and subaru lifts his free hand to press it against the back of other's hands. warm, warm, warm.]
I am. And what'll be left is every piece that's given to me in return, 'cause even if people don't mean to they leave behind things when they take what I offer. Every experience I've had, every person I've met, becomes a part of me -- I'll never run out of things to give, and I'll always be me no matter what happens in the end.
[...]
Or if that answer doesn't satisfy you, then lemme give another one that's just as true -- no matter how much I give of myself to others, it's not like those pieces are one time use. I can give the same piece again and again and again, to different people who need it, and I'll still have what makes me.
STOP THE WYA I M GUNNA LEAVE U!
he is warm, and komaeda's cold, but that doesn't mean he's happy with the developments of what's happening, that doesn't mean he doesn't think the same as he did before. that subaru should have just left him alone, that the other should have found someone else to bother if he pitied komaeda so much — no, if he saw so much of komaeda in himself that he had to reach out. no matter how many times that he does, the ultimate doesn't feel any part of him, he doesn't have his warmth, he doesn't share his appearance, and all that share is conversation, some way of thinking, but that doesn't say komaeda's as loved as subaru, that doesn't mean he's able to make people smile the way he does.
what makes people around komaeda smile? hope, that's what it is. always has been, so they're different, they aren't the same, but in subaru's eyes — what does he see? )
By using those pieces over and over, they're not a tool sharpened every time, but they'll become dull, worn, and lose the effect they once had.
( what do they do for komaeda as of now? he doesn't know aside from the wound on his chest taken care of, the blood no longer seeping, and as he lifts with his mechanical hand to touch the area — nothing. )
"But the worst enemy you can meet will always be yourself; you lie in wait for yourself in caverns and forests. Lonely one, you are going the way to yourself! And your way goes past yourself, and past your seven devils! You will be a heretic to yourself and witch and soothsayer and fool and doubter and unholy one and villain. You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame: how could you become new, if you had not first become ashes?"
( it comes out without him taking a breath, it stills like a river, and it crashes down from his mind like his memory has remembered this specific quote. he offers this to subaru, his final song, something so familiar, the symbolism drawn up on them both as subaru plays right into the hands of it. to see people as him, to think of them having suffered just like him, it will always be himself that he works for, and no one else — what hope is that if not selfish, and so, if he could remove himself, and think more about offering his own extensions to help someone's hope so that they can move forward, then fine.
...
komaeda has no hope, he's never had it, so he's null in void.
... )
You can't become others, as they can't become you.
( komaeda's severed arm is a testament to that — "i hate and despise you so much it hurts! that's why..." he spoke to himself and an empty room with one body, why his hands felt the cold handle of the chainsaw by his side, "if i'm able to make ultimate despair a part of me..." with his right, he holds onto his left arm at that moment in time, the palm of his left pressed against the cool ground that was stained in the bright red of her body — a female who laid their lifeless, destroyed by ultimate hope, "...i will..." his knees on the cold floor hurt, his body strained, the jagged edges of the of the chainsaw that cut through his arm, through the bone, the immense pain that coursed through his body — did he cry then? when he became part of ultimate despair? he had hope, he'd do anything for hope, he loved, and he loved, and he hated, and he hated... no matter his feelings, in the end, that arm is no longer with him, and now the one attached to him is that crafted by hope.
quickly his heart skips a beat, he thinks of the hand he held so long ago that pulled him up, and his eyes fall down to the hand that rests in his organic. it's at that very moment he flinches, pulling away bothered by the notion. now he's no longer holding onto subaru, he's no longer the anchor he wants to be, and komaeda stares at him with a blank expression. )
You can only become ashes.
DONT LEVE ME!!!
the outburst jolts him a bit, but that's the thought subaru's left with at first -- that komaeda's such a theater kid, though he doesn't think the guy's ever been a part of a production before. maybe as a stagehand, or a background extra, or as the narrator that draws the focus to the main ensemble; vague words and rules and roles that he remembers hearing hokuto talk about during breaks, complaints and self-reported critiques about things he could do better next time.
the idle thoughts linger and then pass away in the stillness of the bathroom, easy as they'd come, and subaru waits because he doesn't know what to say to that.
but wait long enough, he knows, and komaeda will complete his thoughts.
you can't become others, he doesn't want to, and they can't become you, he'd never want them to be -- he even learned once that holding others to the same standard he holds himself to, that just because he can do something others should be able to too, is wrong... and subaru hadn't done it again, once it'd been pieced out to him. even if he hates the word, "talented" is exactly what he is.
it isn't long after that komaeda jerks his hand away and subaru's linger in the air, then he drops them back to his sides and leans back against the door. the adrenaline is really settling now, his wrist and shoulder sensitive when he shifts.
...
such a theater kid.]
There's a bird that rises from them, right? I'll just be that~. Everything that's left behind'll be help for someone else, 'cause ashes aren't bad -- they help with growth and stuff like that. How's that?
STOP I HAVE TO
( he looks up to subaru as if tired, his eyes open and then they close as he breathes in and out, the sensation in his chest is gone, nothing lingers, and nothing dwells. the reminder won't haunt him physically, but mentally he will always see what happened.
why does it always happen to be him that puts ultimates in a situation, and then he thinks of saihara — which, it wasn't his fault, but still he can't take the blame — who was also unjustly stabbed, not one, but twice. dito's reckless, someone who can't be controlled, and now they're in a point in their lives where the ultimate detective no longer lives.
he almost killed amami, too.
...
...
...
before, he felt this strange sensation to live because an ultimate died in his place! now, he'd rather die instead for being such a burden, but it swings back and forth like a pendulum that continues to cut. subaru should have let him die because this isn't his place, his place isn't to help komaeda nagito. )
You wasted your ashes, Akehoshi-kun... stepping stones can't use it, I'm not a plant at all who's growing... Ahaha, I'm sorry you failed.
( despite not being able to utilize it, he doesn't know what to make of subaru being here, or maybe he'll have to think on it, but he manages to smile. he does offer that. )
why u always leving me.... im cryin...
[not to himself, regardless of what komaeda says.]
Even if I did force myself on you like this, I wanted to make sure you were okay and I did -- physically, anyway. So I didn't fail, and I didn't waste my ashes even if you think I did.
[mentally, emotionally... he seems more off than normal, but subaru doesn't know how to help that besides doing what natsume suggested and just leaving the other alone.
but he doesn't want to leave komaeda alone. he can't help, and komaeda doesn't want to be helped, but he doesn't want to leave the other alone regardless.
subaru glances away, uncertain a moment, before he holds out his hand palm up. just an offer, not something forced upon the other.]
Maddy, let's go back to the dorms. Or if you don't wanna be around people right now, then... just tell me [not promise he won't make komaeda promise] you won't sleep in the school. It's dangerous, even if you've got ways to handle yourself.
youd cling to my body like you wanted it forever...
It's fine, Akehoshi-kun, aren't you tired?
( hasn't he burned up enough, isn't it tiring to lose parts of himself on someone that it doesn't effect? but blood type o's are perfectly executed to only gain from other o's, and maybe that's that's komaeda doesn't fully bristle, or why he allowed the other to attempt his magic. )
...You've done all you could, because the reason you chased after me was because of this... right?
( he lifts his organic hand so that it's doing anything, anything at all, and he hooks it to his shirt to pull down the fabric even more to reveal the area. he can show subaru that there's nothing there, no scar, no anything. )
It's gone, there's nothing left. ( but he wants to be told what's on komaeda's thoughts, be able to know what it is that will ease his heart. komaeda glances up at the ceiling above him, and he presses his back against the stall to push himself up. )
Life has always been dangerous, it doesn't matter where I am... ahaha, do you think Dito-kun will find me?
i do.....
[not using dito's name, anyway.
and whether he's tired or not, whether he oughta be tired or not, doesn't matter to subaru. he'll be tired later. he'll lay in bed and close his eyes as he replays the day and night and now and then discard it if it still puts him in a mood -- or rather than discard he'll shelf it, put it high where he won't think about it anymore but it's still in reachable distance if he really, really needs it. just like he always does, when he's burned so bright and hot he's a danger to everyone around him, when he's nothing but a ball of flames that lick at the skin and souls of others and causes them pain.
subaru can't help it. maybe he could have once. maybe two years ago, he would have just left it alone -- no, he definitely would have, because he wouldn't have wanted to be involved with stabbings and people who get stabbed or anything like that, he would have just gone back to his room thinking, "ah, that sure was something, guess i'll be careful of that guy" and he wouldn't have any of the people that surrounds him now, actually, but no matter how many different ways he thinks about it he knows he couldn't have lived like that for long.]
It's fine if someone like me gets hurt protecting you, right?
do you... i feel a little nausues and my hands are shaking, i guess that means you're close by
( the fact that komaeda can throw subaru away at any moment, not as quickly as he would in his teens, but it's because komaeda has seen hope from both sides, from those who lack it, and from those who have it. he can't discard subaru immediately, but he knows he can make use properly, just like he does with helena, just like he does with anyone else who doesn't have hope in their body.
the way he smiles must be vile, considering this is subaru offering his life on the line. )
If you die, that's your stupidity, but if you get hurt, you can grow stronger from that... I am here to help everyone's hope.
( he's excited now, a little better than what he once was, and maybe that's because the topic is something he appreciates the most. he looks down at subaru who remains on the ground, and without a thought, komaeda extends his prosthetic hand towards the other. not his organic, not... that, it hasn't breached that notion of needed contact, but that arm is a concept of hope, a creation, it's important, and that's what komaeda offers despite all that's been said. )
thats what love is like nms
mostly it's because subaru doesn't think he'll die. he made a promise to someone recently, and he'll keep to it; he won't die, he'll get hurt and he'll ask natsume to help him and he'll pretend like he didn't get hurt in front of the person who's come into his life like a sudden neutron star from the supernova of their own decisions but he won't die--
even if it means someone else has to in the process.
subaru'll take it though, pulling himself up with the door's help because he won't make komaeda take the brunt of it and he's not drugged enough to drag the other down. the smile is vile, but it's not unlike eichi's... and eichi is a good person, for all his schemes and such -- subaru knows this, can trust the guy to cook up schemes before breakfast, but he knows eichi is a good guy for all his faults.]
Sure, I get it~. My life's my responsibility so I'll do whatever I want with it, y'know? I won't let you die, Maddy.
[he can't promise a lack of hurt
but he can promise that komaeda won't die. not until rokkun wants to end his life]
what is love baby dont hurt me... no more
( for what? he doesn't say, could it be because of what subaru said, or maybe it's because the other got up and didn't remain on the floor. could it be because he came here to do all this? that he came after komaeda when many wouldn't because of who he is, and what he's done? whatever it is, he says it to the other as the stall door opens, and he waits for subaru to exit out first so they can both move together.
in a way, komaeda controls his life, that's what was said when subaru spoke, and komaeda will take them stride as he looks towards the mirror before him, seeing the smile that he wears, watching the expression that subaru wears. he lifts his arm, scratching the back of his head almost sheepish, and maybe subaru can see from the mirror, or maybe he doesn't. the ultimate seems to be in a better mood than he was at first, and maybe subaru can find solace in that before something unexpected. )
And I'm sorry.
( komaeda's mechanical hand swipes down, hitting it over the side of subaru's forehead — he's thoughtful about how hard it has to be, you know, nothing to kill him, but he knows that this specific area causes blackouts. is that what he's aiming for? of course, he wants to see the other drop onto the ground actually. )
bro............. u hurt me
he registers and i'm sorry right before he feels something hit his temple and then blackness as he drops.]
?
...
walking over him, komaeda makes sure his hacking gun is strapped to the back of his attire again, and he looks at the ground to check subaru. kneeling down, he places his organic hand against the male's wrist, checking his pulse, and since it's slow now... he knows that the other is out cold. )
Thank you, Akehoshi-kun! For giving me the opportunity to knock you out, I'm sorry there's nothing soft to lay on here, though...
( and then it comes to him.
...
he grabs the other by his legs to drag him alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll the way to the nurse's office. )
im hurtin
also he won't forgive you for this]
STOP this was a cute thread
and then leave! )