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(open) break yourself inside out
who: Whoever wants to show up.
what: Nine body pileup, who wants to compile info.
when: 10/7, at least
where: Dorms study hall
warnings: Attempted murder over children's games
[in the afternoon, a message shows up on the forums. is she copying Natsume? utterly, since his organization is why she's thinking about this.]
h.adams
Please try to set aside an hour or so of your time this evening at around 7:30 pm to return to the study hall. I'd like to speak with as many people as possible regarding the recent incident in the school.
-H.A.
[and she won't be replying to anything posted below it.
by the time the hour rolls around, Helena's set herself up in the study hall with the rolling whiteboard she took from the school set up. the markers are a toss up between colors, but the important part is there. she's seated herself by it, and when 7:30 hits, an alarm on her PDA goes off. silencing it, she stands up.]
Thank you for coming. I realize it's another demand on people's time, but given the vast scope of the murders, there's more to be said than unsaid. With it, we had no choice but to split up and find what we could, to do our best at the least to remember and categorize what we saw. Generally speaking, I'd like if we could pool our resources to see if we might draw any parallels between what was where, and if there are any peculiarities to distinguish this or that event.
With that said - [she points behind her at the whiteboard, where Rantarou has been kind enough to write out a list] - if we could try to speak individually, we could write down anything critical shared, so we could look at it from a larger perspective. As well, if something comes up in other days, we could reconvene and add in new information.
As I am unable to do it for you, please allow my dependable transcriber to do so. And a final note before we begin - if anyone becomes overly agitated, I request that you kindly step outside until you can keep your voice to a moderate level. Sound echoes well enough without yelling added to the mix.
Let's begin.
what: Nine body pileup, who wants to compile info.
when: 10/7, at least
where: Dorms study hall
warnings: Attempted murder over children's games
[in the afternoon, a message shows up on the forums. is she copying Natsume? utterly, since his organization is why she's thinking about this.]
h.adams
Please try to set aside an hour or so of your time this evening at around 7:30 pm to return to the study hall. I'd like to speak with as many people as possible regarding the recent incident in the school.
-H.A.
[and she won't be replying to anything posted below it.
by the time the hour rolls around, Helena's set herself up in the study hall with the rolling whiteboard she took from the school set up. the markers are a toss up between colors, but the important part is there. she's seated herself by it, and when 7:30 hits, an alarm on her PDA goes off. silencing it, she stands up.]
Thank you for coming. I realize it's another demand on people's time, but given the vast scope of the murders, there's more to be said than unsaid. With it, we had no choice but to split up and find what we could, to do our best at the least to remember and categorize what we saw. Generally speaking, I'd like if we could pool our resources to see if we might draw any parallels between what was where, and if there are any peculiarities to distinguish this or that event.
With that said - [she points behind her at the whiteboard, where Rantarou has been kind enough to write out a list] - if we could try to speak individually, we could write down anything critical shared, so we could look at it from a larger perspective. As well, if something comes up in other days, we could reconvene and add in new information.
As I am unable to do it for you, please allow my dependable transcriber to do so. And a final note before we begin - if anyone becomes overly agitated, I request that you kindly step outside until you can keep your voice to a moderate level. Sound echoes well enough without yelling added to the mix.
Let's begin.
no subject
[ADMIT YOU DON'T HAVE FRIENDS OR PICK UP TWENTY FIVE CARDS.]
I-isn't being someone's friend more... doing things with them? Sharing food, helping them with something, that sort of thing. Spending time, like you said. You don't need to know anything about them for that. I mean... if they talk about themselves, that's nice, but... they could talk about anything.
[Even trivial, meaningless things, because it's all about the listening to it. Just sort of being there in the same moment as the person.
Even this much is just sort of what he's felt out from the murk. The animes didn't prepare him for this...]
no subject
[was it even possible?]
You can't just be by yourself, only knowing you. That's...
[she takes a breath, and sips from the mug, even if it's too hot for the moment.]
If I am your friend, I want to know you, and I want you to know me. That's how I understand it.
no subject
[He's struggling to articulate this, because he's never had to think about this, examine it, and also because he's so, so out of practice, even as he's been hanging out with people in Yogen.]
Going in expecting to know all those things... like you're wringing every last scrap out of a person... Ahaha, that's a little cold, isn't it? Why do you even need to know? What does it matter?
[Is he even talking to her, anymore. It's possible... to an extent. The traces Midori left were his scarf, his apartment, and the scars on Shin.]
...I didn't even know my sister was my sister until after I died.
[He... has to put the mug back down. It's a small, quiet, almost strained voice, and it's hard to say what it is. Demonstration? Giving her what she says she wants? Tossing something out there, like chaff, like a lizard's tail? Something just seeping out through the cracks in his heart? Even he doesn't know.]
no subject
...I'm so sorry.
[the words are a whisper, and she doesn't know if she's apologizing for the pain he knows or her own stupid statements and crossing too many lines. that she didn't say it right, that her words were wrong. things aren't going right tonight, and even if she was trying to not make it about her, her ideas caused this. if she's hurting him, it's no better than if she forced this out of him, dug it out of his chest herself.
her hand's grip is loose enough that if Shin wants to shake her off, he can.]
no subject
Sometimes, something brittle will crack along it's faultlines.]
I-it's fine... It's-
[You wanted to know, right? He manages to trap it behind his teeth this time. Why does this keep happening. He just wanted to... give her something that wasn't the meeting, right now. Maybe like, work around to a way of expressing the concern in his heart that wouldn't involve him opening his mouth and shoving an entire leg inside. Stupid... he's done it again, hasn't he? Make someone hate him... and he's still not entirely sure what exactly did it, other than injury.
He grabs the mug again, this time with the fervor of someone who really needs something warm and solid to hold onto right now.]
...
[What can he even say, that won't feel like more of the same? But he can't just say nothing...]
...Sorry. C-can we... [Just forget that happened? Haha, no. He stares down at the mug for a bit more.] Nevermind... This... It just... happens, sometimes. Ahaha...
[So it's not your fault. It's not your fault and he can think and feel that, because he knows by now, how easy it can be to hurt someone and not even want to.]
no subject
[pulling back, letting him have his boundaries in his mind. stepping back from whatever raw and bleeding thing she's touched, swallowing down that it's not fine, is it she feels. how does something like that just happen once, let alone multiple times? what's happened to him?
if she wasn't certain he'd hate it, she'd hug him, try to ground him that way. it works for her, but Helena remembers that tension in his arm from just that. so she stays quiet, slowly pulls her hand back since he seems to have forgotten it was there.
it's not sorrow or pain that's written across her face, it's worry, and it's for him.]
no subject
T-there's things you don't like talking about either, right?
[He noticed the deflection, the this is about you, not me. Please tell him you understand it, understand this, whatever it is. Because he does want to be understood if not known. He can't look at the worry on her face, can't face it. It feels too much more like pity than he wants it to, but it also hurts because he's put that on her. At what point did he turn into bickering shards?]
You say you want me to know you as well but...
[He's not actually trying to guilt trip her or point out hypocrisy so much as... still reaching out for that 'you get it, right?' He trying to adjust the machinery while it's still running, which is rarely a good idea.]
no subject
[the cocoa is almost bitter from the weight of her feelings. hot, but not as soothing as it was ever meant to be. how to explain it to him?]
If we're talking about one thing, why would I take control and turn the subject to something else without a reason? Conversations require listening as much as speaking.
[if it's about Shin and his difficulties, why would she bring up herself beyond touching on points of relation?]
I don't...go in expecting to learn everything about somebody. It's more that I hope we can learn to like and trust each other enough that one day, in the distant future, we might share more than just the smaller things. But to get there, it's a long, long path of time.
[it's optimistic of her to, but it's how she is. she wants to believe the world might be a better place than it seems at times.]
no subject
[It feels like they're talking past each other, like cogs that have slipped out of alignment. How is it this is easier with people who are cruel than people who are kind? How is it they're both trying so hard, and getting nowhere?
He takes a sip of his own cocoa. It's a little too sweet.]
I'm not... that fragile, Helena.
[No, he's not, shut up, stop grinning.]
It's not like I'll break if I listen to you as well, ahaha. Pfft. 'Taking control?' I'm the one who mentioned it...
[It suddenly just seems incredibly funny, all of this.]
Like and trust, that's how you measure it, huh. [It still seems strange to him but... maybe he's starting to get it a little. Possibly. He has no idea. But it makes sense as a barometer equally as well as a goal.] ...we've got the time at least.
[All the time in the world, being dead. It's kind of strange to think, really. He's never going to age past this... he's going to be like this forever unless he graduates and reincarnates or something. He's still not sure what he thinks about that.]
no subject
[her hands around her cup, she makes herself take another gulp, swallowing hard. it feels like it's all piling in, all the emotions she's been running through, and if she says anything more, she feels like she might accidentally cry. it's been a long day, between stress and fear and pain, guilt and regret and sorrow, uncertainty and the cracks that form, and if she swallows the drink, maybe she'll swallow the rest down.
tired, that's what she is. tired physically, tired emotionally. it's not even close to her bedtime, and she's afraid to go to sleep too early on her own because she doesn't want to wake too soon.]
no subject
He's done enough.]