[semi-open] fifth truth bullet: saihara shuuichi

[futurebullets]

Who: Hajime Hinata and YOU
What: A catch-all log for Hinata throughout the month! Closed things will added by request, open things for stuff outside of event top-levels
Where: Various
When: Mostly November, may also include some backdated threads
Warnings: none at the moment

Notes: feel free to hit me up at Yamadori for any plotting!

Comments

[futurebullets]

[Hinata squeezes her hand lightly when she manages a smile; even if it's weak, it's a tiny miracle all on its own. He lets himself be tugged along with her into the room, finally away from any prying eyes or ears.

There's not many places to sit, aside from the bed, but he'll still make an inquisitive noise and wave at the bed. He's going to try to do his best from here to meet her halfway, and that means cutting down on his talking so she doesn't feel out of place for choosing not to - or not being able to - speak.]

[mermaidcursed]

( oh-- her bed is so unmade, because she'd just gotten out of it for hajime alone-- oh how embarrassing, hold on, let her lean over and try to at least flatten everything out.... before she kinda ruins it by plopping down in a tired heap, using a pillow as a support against the wall and holding a large hamster plushie. peering over it's head, she nods- he can sit down. but... oh.

he really is just gonna write, isn't he...? )

[futurebullets]

[He will. Because he doesn't want her to feel anymore alone, he will.

He pats her head, trying to put all of the reassurance he can into the gesture, then climbs in besides her. Hinata may be tidy, but he won't care if somebody else isn't.

When they're both settled, he'll hold out the pen for her. Held higher, now that he knows she'll receive it.]

this took forever compared to our other tags this thread but also u'll see why

[mermaidcursed]

( nene takes the pen and looks at the notebook, and it's an honest struggle to not start crying all over again but somehow she manages- unaware of the lingering scales on her cheeks and around her eyes. with her exhaustion, it just doesn't occur to her- and while she tears up easily, she's never truly been a crier like this.

yogen's done a lot to her.

eventually though, she passes it back. )

i'm sorry i avoided you when we needed each other
i'm sorry i let the hurt win
it wasn't fair to you
and it wasn't good for me

i love you hajime-nii

i'm so tired of losing everyone and everything
campbell-san and father abel
izumi-nii
kokichi-kun and kaede-chan
hajun-nii and shinobu-nee
turing and rika-chan and shuichi-kun
stephanie and hanako-kun

you in a sense, even.

i thought with hanako-kun going, to search from a different angle, i could be strong for him
but while i was having fun and spending time with noah and subaru-kun stephanie was all alone, trying to
sacrifice herself to save us all
and for what? we're still here and still hurting and nothing is better

i just lost more family
i was just alone again

it feels like anyone i love is going to leave
what happens if noah goes out one day and never comes back? what if worse than amnesia happens to you?

i'm so tired but no sleep or food or water helps me



the nurse says that i went mute as a trauma response, its psychological
i dont know if it'll come back
i dont know if i want my voice to come back
'i love you' feels like a curse now when i say it.


i don't want anyone else i love to die
i dont want to wake up and wonder if someone will be gone today
i dont want to get out of bed and not see someone in the kitchen for breakfast anymore
im tired

[futurebullets]

[He takes the book back, preparing himself for whatever he might find on the pages. But even with that preparation, it still isn't enough to brace himself against the way the words make his eyes burn.

It's things that he expected, of course, but it doesn't make him feel any less pained for Nene's sake.

He takes a second, after, to collect himself, wipe at his eyes as discreetly as he can. And then he lifts the pen and begins to write.]

You don't need to apologize for those things. Not when I should be saying sorry, too. I was so guilty for how hurt you were by me losing my memories... I let that guilt overwhelm me to the point where I couldn't even face you. Spent months, even, thinking I didn't deserve to. Not until I got so worried about you that I couldn't afford to think about that anymore.

Even now, I still don't know if I deserve that love... But I love you all the same.

I want to be able to promise you that nothing'll happen to me, or that nobody else we care about will die. But I don't if I should, if I even can, when I couldn't even save Saihara or Kawai. I never thought I'd let anything happen to Saihara especially... and I still failed him.

But... I don't want to give up, either. I want us to get out of here and see what's waiting for us after we get free from this place.

So even if I can't promise that nothing'll happen to me... I can promise that I'll do everything I can to keep us both safe and alive. Even if I can't give more than that, I'll give everything I can to make sure that happens.

We've gone through terrible things since we woke up in this school. You're strong for enduring everything that you have up until now, and you're strong even now when it's become too much. There's no shame in feeling overwhelmed by what's happening when some days here feel like waking nightmares.

If you talk again, you'll talk again when you're ready for it. But if you can't... I know you'll find a way for it to not to interfere with your life, because that's the kind of person you are. And those of us that care about you still will, because you're you.

But whether you talk again or not... regardless of that, don't feel like your love is a curse, because nothing could be farther from the truth. Your love gives all of us the strength to keep fighting. Even if it may be painful at times, love is something beautiful and precious, in all of its shapes and forms. And yours, especially, is keeping so many of us going.

I forgot almost everything else, you know? Friends and precious things that happened here... and yet, through all of that, I still remembered you. I remembered you, and how much I cared about you, even when I lost almost everything else. If that isn't something worth protecting and cherishing, I don't know what is.

[mermaidcursed]

( nene takes the book back and reads it all slowly- or tries to, anyways. her vision starts to blur about half-way through- is it the mention of shuichi and rika? the affirmation of her strength combined with the reassurance that she's allowed to be upset...?

either way, neither compares to that earnest declaration of love- though, it's written out in every word he's left for her, in it's own way. instead of writing her own response once more, nene scoots closer and hugs hinata tightly, letting herself cry again- it's not as pained as before, this time. )