Who: Clamor & others When: nebulously December What: hey uhh clamor are you ever gonna address all the fucking issues you've been ignoring for the past ~3 months (+ closed prompt catch-all) Warnings: let's talk about MURDER and PTSD
[Finals are over, and... it's hard to feel like he's accomplished much of anything, even if he himself managed to pass without a hitch. Eighteen people were slated to die because of his inadequate lessons. Noah lacked enough confidence to go with the practicum instead... and what did Clamor manage to do for any of them, really? Was he just making things worse by trying to help? Is he getting in the way? Is he not trying hard enough?
Noah comes out of the practicum injured, wounds that even the most skilled of healers would struggle to remove in full, and he can't help but feel like it's his fault somehow. He should've been able to prevent this. If he were smarter, more supportive, more useful...
At the very least, he should've been there. What good is a weapon that can't defend you when it counts?
... well, it's too late to change the past. All he can do now...
He can try. Really try, not just pretending everything is fine when it's clearly not, like he's been forcing himself to act since the day he returned to the sickle. Whatever he's been doing, it hasn't helped at all. So... maybe it's time they had a talk.
Christmas Eve wasn't part of the plan, but the timing of everything just happened to line up that way. He waits until they'll have some time to themselves, away from prying eyes and ears, before making his approach—they haven't really spoken much since finals started, so hopefully this isn't too awkward...]
Noah? You're not busy right now, are you?
merry christmas here's a kid with emotional attachment issues
[Noah's never busy — well, there was the snowball fight he made the school participate in earlier in the day, but it's evening now and it's just a touch too cold to be flinging snow at one another. Other than that, never busy. Never doing anything important, really, though when Clamor deigns to approach, Noah's busy leafing through his old spellbook taking separate notes of his own.
Practice makes perfect, after all, and he said he'd help with the Christmas party tomorrow...
anyway, Clamor always comes first.]
No, I'm not. Did you want something?
[For some reason — his own anxiety more than anything, perhaps? — he feels like he said that a bit curtly, that somehow Clamor's going to take that the wrong way. That's totally not how he meant it, and his cheeks colour at the thought that he could possibly be fucking this up.
A snarkier part of Noah might've said "Oh, you finally want to talk to me?" but that would imply that they both weren't busy with finals, that this whole thing was just them ignoring each other — and that Noah hasn't been busy being coddled by Yukio and Nene due to his injuries in the days after the practicum. That Noah wasn't completely mentally blacked out for two days and only recently came back to the real world to start a snowball fight.
Still, there's a twang of something disgusting and jealous that stirs in his chest. Something that's been growing like a horrible, horrible weed for months now. Something that he — so far — is trying to pretend isn't there.
It's probably nothing. Clamor probably needs help with a book or something. And that's fine, that's well, Noah never minded reading to him.]
oh gosh its just what i asked for, thanks elsanta claus
[It's tempting to get distracted and ask what Noah is studying when he sees his spellbook out. That kid really did pick up on celestial magic quickly, huh? He's already been working on spells that Clamor himself struggled with while he was alive...
but no, he has to stay focused for today. This is important... he can't keep taking the cowardly, easy route away from his problems.
He'd take a deep breath, but he doesn't have lungs so he just imagines what taking a deep breath would be like (god he misses breathing) before forcing himself to get right to it.]
Well... I thought maybe we could talk for awhile. A lot has happened these past few months, hasn't it?
[and they sure haven't fucking talked about any of it, really... he half expects Noah to try and shut this down right away, but maybe that's all just been Clamor. maybe part of him still hopes Noah would, so he doesn't have to deal with this.]
[The scritch-scritch of Noah's pen just sort of... stops dead. Talk... for a while? About something serious, or—
Ah, this couldn't possibly be about anything else Noah tried to bring up that day, things that he felt were immediately shut down and he's been harbouring since — quietly letting it fester and rot in the back of his mind.
Noah looks up. Frowns. Sets the spellbook and his notebook aside, and leans back against the bedframe from where he's sitting on the floor, because what's a chair.]
Let me guess. The practicum, right...?
[He sighs and looks elsewhere with his good eye.]
I didn't... I didn't think before signing up. I didn't want to kill people.
[well. that's as good a place to start as any. his voice is low and gentle, soothing—for both of them, perhaps.]
I know, Noah. You're a good kid. You didn't know what you were getting into... neither of us did.
[Clamor's failing students "survived", but just leaving them as they are... will everyone be able to escape this school? or will the hex do more harm than good? it's impossible to know, so all he can do now is hope. he should've just been a better teacher.
but what about Noah? he knows Noah must've killed someone. maybe even more than one person... but whose fault is that, really?]
... I'm sorry. It's the teacher's responsibility to make sure their students are comfortable with the material. I should've taken my own job more seriously... not just as a teacher, but as your partner, too.
[The fact that he fails everything he tries? The fact that he still can't get a single mathematic equation right after all that studying and time put in and the four or five different mentors he's had? It's embarrassing, and more embarrassing that he couldn't figure it out long enough to not have to kill people over it.]
...I wasn't confident enough to take the test. That's my own fault. Besides, you've been busy, right? With... everyone else.
[Whoops, that slipped out.]
I still had a C going in. I could only raise it so much before exams started...
[Noah stares down at his wrist. No new tallies. Not yet.]
It was three people. That's how many I had to kill, I think, to make up for the grades.
No, I should've done a better job of supporting you. You're a smart kid, Noah. If I'd done more to keep you engaged... [... and now they're just getting into that infinite feedback loop of apologies. they'll be at this all night if neither of them lets up.] It doesn't matter whose fault it is. It's already happened, and we both have regrets. You were put in an awful situation where nobody wins. I just wish I could've done more to keep you safe.
[don't think he didn't notice the deja vu the other day, either, but like. one step at a time, maybe. this is difficult enough as is.]
We always did things together before. If you were in trouble, I'd always be right there with you. We shared our burdens as partners... but now, I don't know. I didn't want to trouble you with my problems. I thought I was being considerate by giving you more space. I didn't want to scare you or make you worry about me. The more I tried to protect you, the more powerless I felt when you got hurt without me...
You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to... but I do want to know. Am I being too distant? Overbearing? What can I do to help you?
I didn't want you to get the tallies. If I had asked you to help me, I... it wouldn't have been good. S-someone I fought was someone who is stronger than both of us, and he would've killed you.
[Noah only knows its possible because they're both here now, aren't they? You can always kill something that's already dead. As forgiving as he's been with Add so far, he draws the line at hurting Clamor.
He reaches for Clamor and picks him up to look him in the eye. Sarcastically, maybe a bit morbidly, he thinks that they match now.
...]
You can stop trying to replace me with Natsume, for one thing. [He doesn't mean for his tone to be so harsh, so biting and cruel — but it's too late now. Noah's... angry? Furious, more like — jealous? Feeling abandoned and unwanted? He can't exactly pinpoint a specific emotion in the maelstrom.] Notice how I learnt all of that, [gestures to the spellbook,] myself? Remember how that was only after you started teaching someone else new magic? I know that... I know that you're stuck in there, and that you can't do much right now, but—
But I want to be important to you, too! You don't tell me anything, you don't want to do anything, you don't want to talk about anything, you don't ever let me worry about you without pushing it off! You wouldn't even let me talk about what was bothering me, so I just—
If he was stronger than both of us, isn't that even more of a reason for us to fight together? What if you had been killed? [and Noah was so like. check fucking mate, maybe they should fight things together??] I don't want to be safe if it puts you in danger. It's not just because I'm your weapon...
[he cares you, idiot. let him help.
but this isn't about what he wants, it's what Noah wants. so he's quiet while the other finally speaks, really speaks, even when he wants to interrupt and say that's not true or apologize... he listens, emotions finally starting to trickle out, some things confirmed and others realized for the first time. Noah has been jealous of Natsume? he never would've guessed that one, but hearing it now...
he listens, and waits, and... it's a relief, in some ways. things he really should've known all along because they keep saying them to each other, but putting it all out there in the open...]
If I was replacing you with Natsume... wouldn't that be like you replacing me with Sidney?
[of course, he doesn't think that anymore. it's a concern he's long since left behind... but it was on his mind, before. is Sidney a better father figure for Noah than he is? could he be replaced? would Noah be better off?
if he voiced that now, Noah would no doubt get mad at him for it. so he won't. he knows better. now it's Noah's turn to realize the same.]
You're more than just my apprentice, Noah. No one could possibly replace you... and if you'd asked me first, I would've taught you first. It's as simple as that.
Natsume hasn't been rude to you about it, has he? I always thought you two got along well, and I felt proud whenever you were able to help each other out. I don't think Natsume would've learned as quickly as he has if you weren't there to help him, either... but if you'd rather have more one-on-one lessons, that's fine with me. I'll teach you as much as you want.
[... it'd be easy to just leave it at that, but. there was more to what Noah said just now. the part that Clamor has truly been avoiding, not out of lack of trust or importance, but...]
... It's not that I'm not telling you things. I... haven't really been open with anyone. Not you, or Sidney, or Natsume...
Haha, I guess I've just been trying not to think about it! There was so much happening, I just wanted my own problems to go away... but I guess it doesn't work that way after all, huh? And by trying not to bother you, I just bothered you more, and I didn't feel any better either...
[It might be called incredible, how Noah can go from literally screaming in a blind fury to immediately realising that at least fifty percent of this is his fault — that maybe he should've reached out first instead of sitting there and pouting for months on end like an incorrigible child. He looks guilty... no, that's an understatement actually, but—
Of course. If he'd just asked instead of assuming, maybe they wouldn't be here having this conversation. Noah doesn't think he'd be less jealous — he's never really been good at this whole emotional regulation thing when he thinks about it, consequence of forming attachments to one (1) person in his entire life — but perhaps he'd be more... understanding?
There's no use entertaining what-ifs, though.]
No, I... I haven't told Natsume. I haven't brought it up — we've been spending time practicing together. I didn't want to get him involved, since it's not his fault.
[Noah thinks Natsume is cool, but also that Natsume doesn't need to be involved in things like this. They're friends — it would be unkind to change that for something dumb like Noah feeling insecure.]
...I get not wanting to think about it. But I... I wanted to talk to you anyway, and I guess I thought you just didn't want to talk at all. There's a lot I wanted to come clean about. I felt like you just shut it all down. I already felt... feel inadequate as it is, so that didn't help, I-I guess.
[Admitting it aloud hurts. He'd also like to forget everything that happened, but there's a reason Nene is always glued to his side these days. There's a reason no one leaves Noah alone, by himself.]
[... Noah did want to talk, right from the start. He tried to talk to Clamor about what he'd been through, and Clamor was the one who wasn't ready. Does he really have room to complain about Noah not talking to him honestly after that? It's not what he meant by it, but he never corrected it, either.
It's strange, feeling anxious but also not. He's quiet for a long moment, once again tempted to let it lapse on and on... but he has to keep moving. He can't keep shutting down, going quiet, changing the topic...]
You didn't do anything wrong, and you're not inadequate. I've always told you you can talk to me about anything, but I was the one who was scared... I wasn't thinking about your feelings, and that wasn't fair of me. I'm sorry, Noah. I shouldn't have made you wait so long.
Well... it's better late than never, right? If it's still bothering you, I want to hear it. You don't have to bear your burdens alone.
No, I... it's... I should've been clearer. I wasn't thinking.
[What else is new? Noah's always been a child at his core; a kid who doesn't know how the world works. It's why he's so tunnel-vision about everything, why he can never see two sides of the same coin unless that coin is flipped in front of him, it's why he gets into fights and altercations and always thinks he's in the right even if there's evidence to prove otherwise.
Growing up sucks, actually.]
...
Um... I guess... [Where should he start?] I'm sorry I couldn't figure out you weren't you sooner. I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you, and that you're stuck in the sickle again. And I'm... um...
[Just sorry in general, really.]
...I just want to admit something, but... just in case you already know, I have to ask: Do you know why Nene and I are never apart these days?
[Sort of like how Clamor and Noah were never apart back then, but with less negative connotations attached to it. Less of a death pact.]
[oh. this is actually... unexpected?? he couldn't really mean...]
... You don't think I'm jealous, do you? Of course I know! I'm so proud of you, Noah. Nene is such a sweet girl, and I couldn't be happier to see you two together! [because they're together-together, right? right!! he actually kind of wants to laugh a little, if that's what Noah was so worried about.]
I hope you weren't too jealous of me when I started hanging around Sidney and Lucifer more... but really, I'm happy for you! That's not something you'd ever have to apologize for.
[Yeah, you know what, Noah wishes that was it. And while he's thinking of it, maybe he shouldn't get into Yukio while they're at it. Maybe that's for later.]
N— no? No, why does everyone think—
[Gee, what could possibly lead people to think Noah and Nene are dating after all of that plus the fact that he left her a love confession in a notebook WEIRD RIGHT]
I wasn't jealous of you and Sidney and Lucifer. I was just scared I was going to walk in on the PDA, like that one time I walked into the kitchen while you and Sidney were cooking together. I didn't want to ruin your moment. But, um... That's not quite what I meant when I asked. Sorry.
[sorry to bring the mood back down, mostly. Wouldn't it be nice if he could just worry about simple things like found family fretting over his relationship status?]
It's... S-so... I don't really know where your soul was when you were dead, so I don't know if you felt it, but... [If he looked guilty earlier, he looks at least triple that now.] ...I didn't know or expect you to come back, and I didn't think it was worth it to carry on if you weren't here, and that it was all my fault that this happened. S-so...
...
Well, the Moonstone foiled all of my attempts, but... I tried. I tried to die, and it never worked. Looking back, I guess it's good, but... A-anyway, Nene accidentally saw my last attempt. That's why we're never apart, since... Since we promised each other that we weren't allowed to die without taking the other out too.
[Oof.]
I'm okay now! Really! It was just those few weeks where I gave up...
Oh! Sorry, sorry, I guess I just got a little excited... [it's fine, back to serious depression talk, they can talk about nenoahs later—
which is probably for the best, since... this is a lot heavier of a topic. he remembers the moonstone being brought up—he'd thought something might've happened, like maybe Noah tried to fight the person who possessed him, but... it's not really a thought he wanted to entertain, the idea that Noah might've tried to kill himself, and... okay, that last line about his promise with Nene sounds really bad, actually but we're still taking this one step at a time. there is a lot to unpack here.]
... I'm glad you two were able to support each other. You have a lot of good friends who care about you here. Giving up on yourself would be giving up on them too, you know?
Besides, dying here is... [haha, yeah, being dead. not fun. the thing he's tried so desperately not to think about, ever, but the memory never gets any less vivid, never gets easier to think about...
feeling like you've been shredded apart, shaken like a snow globe and left to settle, no one should ever have to go through that
he doesn't zone out for long, at least, before remembering where he is right now. don't lose focus now, not when he's already come this far—]
I think being in the tree might be different, but I don't really know for sure. I don't think anyone but me remembers it... but I wouldn't wish that fate on my worst enemy.
I remember thinking that being alive was worse if I didn't have you around. I'm sorry... I know it's not... it's not a good thing to think.
[It's still a thing he can't help but think, though. That type of mentality doesn't just go away; Noah's only repressing it. Plus, it's really not like he wants to live anyway — his plans for his life have ever been to kill Dantalion and then die. Somewhere, there's the light at the end of the tunnel that's saving Clamor, and he'd begun to think after some time that he had a reason to carry on after. Without that reason, why should he continue to suffer?
Some days, he wants to live. Some days, he wants to die. He doesn't understand it. Perhaps he never will.]
...was it bad? In the tree, I mean? It's just— that one's just a general question, you don't have to answer that one if you don't want to.
[Noah would like to be confided in, but at the same time, can he expect to have that right after how he's acted?]
... No, I said I'd tell you about it. And it's something you should know about, in case it's... important.
[like, in case Noah dies and gets stuck in a jar, at least he'll know what to expect. if he'd known what was happening to him at the time, maybe he would've felt better about it... at least he'd know where he was, and that Noah was keeping him safe. that might've made it bearable.]
I think I was in the jar for most of it... When I died before and became bound to the sickle, it was more like falling asleep. I was like that for a thousand years, but I didn't remember any of it and it felt like no time had passed at all when I woke up. But when I died here... I remember being conscious, but I couldn't see or hear anything. It was more like being on the edge of sleep, but you don't know what happens if you do fall asleep, so you try to stay awake... but then something changed, and I think that's when I ended up in that jar of petals.
It's hard to explain, but the entire time... I kept thinking, why didn't I let myself fall asleep? I didn't even care about getting back, I just wanted it to end. But I was trapped. I felt scared, and alone, and everything was out of my control...
I can't dream with this body... but I still remember it clearly. Every night when the sound goes away, I can't help but think about it.
Noah... does not know how to be comforting right now.
That isn't new with him, and Clamor probably expects that much — they've known each other long enough, right? Still, he can't help but feel gross when he realises he has nothing helpful to say here.
Clamor needs a hug. Clamor is currently a sharp object, so hugging is a little difficult. Shit, for all the books Noah reads, you'd think he'd be better at this words thing.]
That... the jar explains a lot. I always kept the sickle on me, and the jar would glow whenever I walked by with it. I should've opened it sooner. I'm sorry.
[As if this is his fault; how was he supposed to know? He's no spirit mage.]
It sounds terrifying. I'm... I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. Maybe we could stay up together? I can write in my notebook for you. I know you can't respond, but reading something would help, right?
[A pause, and then Noah quietly adds,]
You're not alone. Anymore, I mean. I'm still here for you.
it's fine, sort of. the fact that Noah doesn't know what to say, but is trying his best... it's not unlike how Clamor himself feels right now. lost, uncertain, like he doesn't know how to navigate his own emotions. they're both struggling, but maybe it'll be easier if they do it together.
he can't smile or look relieved, but... he feels better, he thinks? maybe? the unpleasant feeling is still there, impossible to ignore, but talking about it makes it feel less imposing. at least he doesn't have to keep pretending it's not there, now that someone knows. is that better? hmm.]
You'll start sleeping in class if you stay up all the time. Just having someone else there helps a lot, you don't have to do anything special... but maybe it'd be alright if it's only once in a while. [let's not pretend both of them don't have shitty sleeping habits and nightmares, they're moving past this point finally]
... I know. You were always there, even when I couldn't see you. Thank you, Noah.
[He almost wasn't there. Had he managed to successfully kill himself, would Clamor have woken up only to discover his friend and partner was gone?
Noah doesn't want to think about it.]
I won't fall asleep in class! Probably... I'm pretty good at keeping myself awake, you know!
[Except for the several times he's just passed the fuck out in the middle of the hallways but yeah, other than that, he's got this not sleeping thing down pat.]
...I'm always going to be there. I can do magic tricks for you, too. Or we can play a memory game. You just have to point at things with your eye.
[The smile Noah gives Clamor is little, but it's there. It's been a while.]
And, if you're not busy later, I want to show you how much I've learnt from your spellbook.
[Clearly he's learnt enough to start to turn his hair black, so.]
backdated bird crime discussions idk when this is like, nov??ember?? early dec...ember? time is fake
[Today on Lucifer doesn't realise he's about to be in trouble: Hi, hello, we're spending time talking about potioncraft in the Devildom, because a) Clamor is a man of science and b) Lucifer has a handcuff potion which is something I keep forgetting he has.
And also because the last time Lucifer tried to have an intellectual conversation with Clamor it was that fake-ass bitch and you know what he's still mad, but it's fine.]
In theory, you could use fire salamander tails to make a fairly effective immolating spell, [HOW WEIRD THAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT FIRE LIKE HE DIDN'T BURN A CHILD SEVERAL MONTHS AGO] but, believe it or not, the more effective component is actually the ashes their footsteps leave behind.
[Their little 'mander feets. I am literally just making up alchemy at 1am over here.]
Fire salamanders also are prone to exploding when threatened — no harm comes to the salamander, but the environment around it tends to get heavily damaged. They don't exactly drop their tails easily like a human world gecko might...
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Merry Christmas, we're talking about our trauma | for Noah
Noah comes out of the practicum injured, wounds that even the most skilled of healers would struggle to remove in full, and he can't help but feel like it's his fault somehow. He should've been able to prevent this. If he were smarter, more supportive, more useful...
At the very least, he should've been there. What good is a weapon that can't defend you when it counts?
... well, it's too late to change the past. All he can do now...
He can try. Really try, not just pretending everything is fine when it's clearly not, like he's been forcing himself to act since the day he returned to the sickle. Whatever he's been doing, it hasn't helped at all. So... maybe it's time they had a talk.
Christmas Eve wasn't part of the plan, but the timing of everything just happened to line up that way. He waits until they'll have some time to themselves, away from prying eyes and ears, before making his approach—they haven't really spoken much since finals started, so hopefully this isn't too awkward...]
Noah? You're not busy right now, are you?
merry christmas here's a kid with emotional attachment issues
Practice makes perfect, after all, and he said he'd help with the Christmas party tomorrow...
anyway, Clamor always comes first.]
No, I'm not. Did you want something?
[For some reason — his own anxiety more than anything, perhaps? — he feels like he said that a bit curtly, that somehow Clamor's going to take that the wrong way. That's totally not how he meant it, and his cheeks colour at the thought that he could possibly be fucking this up.
A snarkier part of Noah might've said "Oh, you finally want to talk to me?" but that would imply that they both weren't busy with finals, that this whole thing was just them ignoring each other — and that Noah hasn't been busy being coddled by Yukio and Nene due to his injuries in the days after the practicum. That Noah wasn't completely mentally blacked out for two days and only recently came back to the real world to start a snowball fight.
Still, there's a twang of something disgusting and jealous that stirs in his chest. Something that's been growing like a horrible, horrible weed for months now. Something that he — so far — is trying to pretend isn't there.
It's probably nothing. Clamor probably needs help with a book or something. And that's fine, that's well, Noah never minded reading to him.]
oh gosh its just what i asked for, thanks elsanta claus
but no, he has to stay focused for today. This is important... he can't keep taking the cowardly, easy route away from his problems.
He'd take a deep breath, but he doesn't have lungs so he just imagines what taking a deep breath would be like (god he misses breathing) before forcing himself to get right to it.]
Well... I thought maybe we could talk for awhile. A lot has happened these past few months, hasn't it?
[and they sure haven't fucking talked about any of it, really... he half expects Noah to try and shut this down right away, but maybe that's all just been Clamor. maybe part of him still hopes Noah would, so he doesn't have to deal with this.]
no subject
Ah, this couldn't possibly be about anything else Noah tried to bring up that day, things that he felt were immediately shut down and he's been harbouring since — quietly letting it fester and rot in the back of his mind.
Noah looks up. Frowns. Sets the spellbook and his notebook aside, and leans back against the bedframe from where he's sitting on the floor, because what's a chair.]
Let me guess. The practicum, right...?
[He sighs and looks elsewhere with his good eye.]
I didn't... I didn't think before signing up. I didn't want to kill people.
[He's in trouble, right? This must be it.]
no subject
I know, Noah. You're a good kid. You didn't know what you were getting into... neither of us did.
[Clamor's failing students "survived", but just leaving them as they are... will everyone be able to escape this school? or will the hex do more harm than good? it's impossible to know, so all he can do now is hope. he should've just been a better teacher.
but what about Noah? he knows Noah must've killed someone. maybe even more than one person... but whose fault is that, really?]
... I'm sorry. It's the teacher's responsibility to make sure their students are comfortable with the material. I should've taken my own job more seriously... not just as a teacher, but as your partner, too.
no subject
[The fact that he fails everything he tries? The fact that he still can't get a single mathematic equation right after all that studying and time put in and the four or five different mentors he's had? It's embarrassing, and more embarrassing that he couldn't figure it out long enough to not have to kill people over it.]
...I wasn't confident enough to take the test. That's my own fault. Besides, you've been busy, right? With... everyone else.
[Whoops, that slipped out.]
I still had a C going in. I could only raise it so much before exams started...
[Noah stares down at his wrist. No new tallies. Not yet.]
It was three people. That's how many I had to kill, I think, to make up for the grades.
no subject
[don't think he didn't notice the deja vu the other day, either, but like. one step at a time, maybe. this is difficult enough as is.]
We always did things together before. If you were in trouble, I'd always be right there with you. We shared our burdens as partners... but now, I don't know. I didn't want to trouble you with my problems. I thought I was being considerate by giving you more space. I didn't want to scare you or make you worry about me. The more I tried to protect you, the more powerless I felt when you got hurt without me...
You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to... but I do want to know. Am I being too distant? Overbearing? What can I do to help you?
no subject
[Noah only knows its possible because they're both here now, aren't they? You can always kill something that's already dead. As forgiving as he's been with Add so far, he draws the line at hurting Clamor.
He reaches for Clamor and picks him up to look him in the eye. Sarcastically, maybe a bit morbidly, he thinks that they match now.
...]
You can stop trying to replace me with Natsume, for one thing. [He doesn't mean for his tone to be so harsh, so biting and cruel — but it's too late now. Noah's... angry? Furious, more like — jealous? Feeling abandoned and unwanted? He can't exactly pinpoint a specific emotion in the maelstrom.] Notice how I learnt all of that, [gestures to the spellbook,] myself? Remember how that was only after you started teaching someone else new magic? I know that... I know that you're stuck in there, and that you can't do much right now, but—
But I want to be important to you, too! You don't tell me anything, you don't want to do anything, you don't want to talk about anything, you don't ever let me worry about you without pushing it off! You wouldn't even let me talk about what was bothering me, so I just—
[Deep breaths.]
Yes, you're being too distant!
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[he cares you, idiot. let him help.
but this isn't about what he wants, it's what Noah wants. so he's quiet while the other finally speaks, really speaks, even when he wants to interrupt and say that's not true or apologize... he listens, emotions finally starting to trickle out, some things confirmed and others realized for the first time. Noah has been jealous of Natsume? he never would've guessed that one, but hearing it now...
he listens, and waits, and... it's a relief, in some ways. things he really should've known all along because they keep saying them to each other, but putting it all out there in the open...]
If I was replacing you with Natsume... wouldn't that be like you replacing me with Sidney?
[of course, he doesn't think that anymore. it's a concern he's long since left behind... but it was on his mind, before. is Sidney a better father figure for Noah than he is? could he be replaced? would Noah be better off?
if he voiced that now, Noah would no doubt get mad at him for it. so he won't. he knows better. now it's Noah's turn to realize the same.]
You're more than just my apprentice, Noah. No one could possibly replace you... and if you'd asked me first, I would've taught you first. It's as simple as that.
Natsume hasn't been rude to you about it, has he? I always thought you two got along well, and I felt proud whenever you were able to help each other out. I don't think Natsume would've learned as quickly as he has if you weren't there to help him, either... but if you'd rather have more one-on-one lessons, that's fine with me. I'll teach you as much as you want.
[... it'd be easy to just leave it at that, but. there was more to what Noah said just now. the part that Clamor has truly been avoiding, not out of lack of trust or importance, but...]
... It's not that I'm not telling you things. I... haven't really been open with anyone. Not you, or Sidney, or Natsume...
Haha, I guess I've just been trying not to think about it! There was so much happening, I just wanted my own problems to go away... but I guess it doesn't work that way after all, huh? And by trying not to bother you, I just bothered you more, and I didn't feel any better either...
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Of course. If he'd just asked instead of assuming, maybe they wouldn't be here having this conversation. Noah doesn't think he'd be less jealous — he's never really been good at this whole emotional regulation thing when he thinks about it, consequence of forming attachments to one (1) person in his entire life — but perhaps he'd be more... understanding?
There's no use entertaining what-ifs, though.]
No, I... I haven't told Natsume. I haven't brought it up — we've been spending time practicing together. I didn't want to get him involved, since it's not his fault.
[Noah thinks Natsume is cool, but also that Natsume doesn't need to be involved in things like this. They're friends — it would be unkind to change that for something dumb like Noah feeling insecure.]
...I get not wanting to think about it. But I... I wanted to talk to you anyway, and I guess I thought you just didn't want to talk at all. There's a lot I wanted to come clean about. I felt like you just shut it all down. I already felt... feel inadequate as it is, so that didn't help, I-I guess.
[Admitting it aloud hurts. He'd also like to forget everything that happened, but there's a reason Nene is always glued to his side these days. There's a reason no one leaves Noah alone, by himself.]
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It's strange, feeling anxious but also not. He's quiet for a long moment, once again tempted to let it lapse on and on... but he has to keep moving. He can't keep shutting down, going quiet, changing the topic...]
You didn't do anything wrong, and you're not inadequate. I've always told you you can talk to me about anything, but I was the one who was scared... I wasn't thinking about your feelings, and that wasn't fair of me. I'm sorry, Noah. I shouldn't have made you wait so long.
Well... it's better late than never, right? If it's still bothering you, I want to hear it. You don't have to bear your burdens alone.
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[What else is new? Noah's always been a child at his core; a kid who doesn't know how the world works. It's why he's so tunnel-vision about everything, why he can never see two sides of the same coin unless that coin is flipped in front of him, it's why he gets into fights and altercations and always thinks he's in the right even if there's evidence to prove otherwise.
Growing up sucks, actually.]
...
Um... I guess... [Where should he start?] I'm sorry I couldn't figure out you weren't you sooner. I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you, and that you're stuck in the sickle again. And I'm... um...
[Just sorry in general, really.]
...I just want to admit something, but... just in case you already know, I have to ask: Do you know why Nene and I are never apart these days?
[Sort of like how Clamor and Noah were never apart back then, but with less negative connotations attached to it. Less of a death pact.]
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... You don't think I'm jealous, do you? Of course I know! I'm so proud of you, Noah. Nene is such a sweet girl, and I couldn't be happier to see you two together! [because they're together-together, right? right!! he actually kind of wants to laugh a little, if that's what Noah was so worried about.]
I hope you weren't too jealous of me when I started hanging around Sidney and Lucifer more... but really, I'm happy for you! That's not something you'd ever have to apologize for.
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N— no? No, why does everyone think—
[Gee, what could possibly lead people to think Noah and Nene are dating after all of that plus the fact that he left her a love confession in a notebook WEIRD RIGHT]
I wasn't jealous of you and Sidney and Lucifer. I was just scared I was going to walk in on the PDA, like that one time I walked into the kitchen while you and Sidney were cooking together. I didn't want to ruin your moment. But, um... That's not quite what I meant when I asked. Sorry.
[sorry to bring the mood back down, mostly. Wouldn't it be nice if he could just worry about simple things like found family fretting over his relationship status?]
It's... S-so... I don't really know where your soul was when you were dead, so I don't know if you felt it, but... [If he looked guilty earlier, he looks at least triple that now.] ...I didn't know or expect you to come back, and I didn't think it was worth it to carry on if you weren't here, and that it was all my fault that this happened. S-so...
...
Well, the Moonstone foiled all of my attempts, but... I tried. I tried to die, and it never worked. Looking back, I guess it's good, but... A-anyway, Nene accidentally saw my last attempt. That's why we're never apart, since... Since we promised each other that we weren't allowed to die without taking the other out too.
[Oof.]
I'm okay now! Really! It was just those few weeks where I gave up...
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what do you mean getting into yukio???]Oh! Sorry, sorry, I guess I just got a little excited... [it's fine, back to serious depression talk, they can talk about nenoahs later—
which is probably for the best, since... this is a lot heavier of a topic. he remembers the moonstone being brought up—he'd thought something might've happened, like maybe Noah tried to fight the person who possessed him, but... it's not really a thought he wanted to entertain, the idea that Noah might've tried to kill himself, and... okay, that last line about his promise with Nene sounds really bad, actually but we're still taking this one step at a time. there is a lot to unpack here.]
... I'm glad you two were able to support each other. You have a lot of good friends who care about you here. Giving up on yourself would be giving up on them too, you know?
Besides, dying here is... [haha, yeah, being dead. not fun. the thing he's tried so desperately not to think about, ever, but the memory never gets any less vivid, never gets easier to think about...
feeling like you've been shredded apart, shaken like a snow globe and left to settle, no one should ever have to go through that
he doesn't zone out for long, at least, before remembering where he is right now. don't lose focus now, not when he's already come this far—]
I think being in the tree might be different, but I don't really know for sure. I don't think anyone but me remembers it... but I wouldn't wish that fate on my worst enemy.
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[It's still a thing he can't help but think, though. That type of mentality doesn't just go away; Noah's only repressing it. Plus, it's really not like he wants to live anyway — his plans for his life have ever been to kill Dantalion and then die. Somewhere, there's the light at the end of the tunnel that's saving Clamor, and he'd begun to think after some time that he had a reason to carry on after. Without that reason, why should he continue to suffer?
Some days, he wants to live. Some days, he wants to die. He doesn't understand it. Perhaps he never will.]
...was it bad? In the tree, I mean? It's just— that one's just a general question, you don't have to answer that one if you don't want to.
[Noah would like to be confided in, but at the same time, can he expect to have that right after how he's acted?]
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[like, in case Noah dies and gets stuck in a jar, at least he'll know what to expect. if he'd known what was happening to him at the time, maybe he would've felt better about it... at least he'd know where he was, and that Noah was keeping him safe. that might've made it bearable.]
I think I was in the jar for most of it... When I died before and became bound to the sickle, it was more like falling asleep. I was like that for a thousand years, but I didn't remember any of it and it felt like no time had passed at all when I woke up. But when I died here... I remember being conscious, but I couldn't see or hear anything. It was more like being on the edge of sleep, but you don't know what happens if you do fall asleep, so you try to stay awake... but then something changed, and I think that's when I ended up in that jar of petals.
It's hard to explain, but the entire time... I kept thinking, why didn't I let myself fall asleep? I didn't even care about getting back, I just wanted it to end. But I was trapped. I felt scared, and alone, and everything was out of my control...
I can't dream with this body... but I still remember it clearly. Every night when the sound goes away, I can't help but think about it.
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Noah... does not know how to be comforting right now.
That isn't new with him, and Clamor probably expects that much — they've known each other long enough, right? Still, he can't help but feel gross when he realises he has nothing helpful to say here.
Clamor needs a hug. Clamor is currently a sharp object, so hugging is a little difficult. Shit, for all the books Noah reads, you'd think he'd be better at this words thing.]
That... the jar explains a lot. I always kept the sickle on me, and the jar would glow whenever I walked by with it. I should've opened it sooner. I'm sorry.
[As if this is his fault; how was he supposed to know? He's no spirit mage.]
It sounds terrifying. I'm... I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. Maybe we could stay up together? I can write in my notebook for you. I know you can't respond, but reading something would help, right?
[A pause, and then Noah quietly adds,]
You're not alone. Anymore, I mean. I'm still here for you.
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it's fine, sort of. the fact that Noah doesn't know what to say, but is trying his best... it's not unlike how Clamor himself feels right now. lost, uncertain, like he doesn't know how to navigate his own emotions. they're both struggling, but maybe it'll be easier if they do it together.
he can't smile or look relieved, but... he feels better, he thinks? maybe? the unpleasant feeling is still there, impossible to ignore, but talking about it makes it feel less imposing. at least he doesn't have to keep pretending it's not there, now that someone knows. is that better? hmm.]
You'll start sleeping in class if you stay up all the time. Just having someone else there helps a lot, you don't have to do anything special... but maybe it'd be alright if it's only once in a while. [let's not pretend both of them don't have shitty sleeping habits and nightmares, they're moving past this point finally]
... I know. You were always there, even when I couldn't see you. Thank you, Noah.
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Noah doesn't want to think about it.]
I won't fall asleep in class! Probably... I'm pretty good at keeping myself awake, you know!
[Except for the several times he's just passed the fuck out in the middle of the hallways but yeah, other than that, he's got this not sleeping thing down pat.]
...I'm always going to be there. I can do magic tricks for you, too. Or we can play a memory game. You just have to point at things with your eye.
[The smile Noah gives Clamor is little, but it's there. It's been a while.]
And, if you're not busy later, I want to show you how much I've learnt from your spellbook.
[Clearly he's learnt enough to start to turn his hair black, so.]
backdated bird crime discussions idk when this is like, nov??ember?? early dec...ember? time is fake
And also because the last time Lucifer tried to have an intellectual conversation with Clamor it was that fake-ass bitch and you know what he's still mad, but it's fine.]
In theory, you could use fire salamander tails to make a fairly effective immolating spell, [HOW WEIRD THAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT FIRE LIKE HE DIDN'T BURN A CHILD SEVERAL MONTHS AGO] but, believe it or not, the more effective component is actually the ashes their footsteps leave behind.
[Their little 'mander feets. I am literally just making up alchemy at 1am over here.]
Fire salamanders also are prone to exploding when threatened — no harm comes to the salamander, but the environment around it tends to get heavily damaged. They don't exactly drop their tails easily like a human world gecko might...
[Lucifer drones on. Probably best to stop him.]