yogen | i'm on my way through every day

Entry tags:

i'm on my way through every day

Who: Noah & YOU!
What: A sad but motivated teenage boy Doing His Best
Where: Around the school, specifics in prompts
When: 4/24 and 4/25
Warnings: Mentions/portrayals of PTSD

APRIL 24TH, MORNING

[Noah is conspicuously absent from class this morning, which is actually fairly odd for him; he's learnt that ditching doesn't get him anywhere and surely knows that Clamor will get on his ass about it later. But... he's absent, that's for sure. He isn't seen all morning, in fact. He's not in the art room, he wasn't at his locker before class, and even if you look for him and that distinct silver-blue hair of his you can't see him in the throngs of students in the hallways.

Luckily, he's not dead, but he's not quite fine either. He's curled up between some bookshelves in the library sitting on the floor with his back leaning against the hard wood, knees drawn to his chest and his notebook open at his side like he'd been trying to keep his hands occupied and just couldn't, the pen tossed carelessly between the pages. On the pages themselves are some drawings, things Noah normally draws — black cartoonish cats jumping between the lines on the pages, half-finished portraits of fellow students, a sketch of an interesting-looking sickle, and... another drawing of a man with scribbled-out facial features, the chaotic and scratchy motions of the lines depicting Noah's mental state at the time of drawing.

The page next to that has a half-written note, perhaps a letter, the handwriting nearly impossible to read. The only words that can be clearly deciphered read: "Harque, I miss you."

Despite the silence of the library, one thing is apparent: Noah is crying, the shaking of his shoulders giving that away clearly despite the fact that his hiccupping sobs cannot be heard. Half of his face is buried in one of his hands, and the other is limply draped over the tops of his knees. He doesn't notice anyone approaching for obvious reasons.

Perhaps you poke him or touch him to get his attention, in which case he jumps visibly and blindly swats you away with one very strong swing of his arm, not quite put together enough to realise that he struck, hollow-eyed as he is. Or perhaps you pick up the notebook next to him, which only serves to barely get his attention? Or, do you try something else to snap him out of it?]

APRIL 25TH, AFTERNOON

[Having overcome yesterday's breakdown, Noah can be found in the auditorium with several students. On first glance to outsiders, it looks like he's in a fistfight (uh-oh!) but... upon closer inspection, he seems to be teaching the small group how to fight. More accurately, he's teaching them how to defend themselves. He... probably didn't get teacher permission for that, but it's fine. No one's here to tell him no!

He might have already offered this at the charity auction as a donation, but he's not going to wait to find out if this is okay or not. He's not really understanding this whole auction thing to begin with, it seems.

For someone who doesn't know how to talk to people normally, when he's giving others instructions on how to break out of chokeholds and what to do if they're grabbed from behind, he's extremely clear and not stuttering at all. And... maybe a little morbid, because he very loudly says,]

If you get stabbed, it's not a good idea to yank the knife out. That's keeping the blood in you.

[It's a good tip, in any case, but jeez.

Noah goes on instructing the small group of people. At one point, he grabs one of the volunteer students from behind and holds their wrists (gently) so that they "can't escape" as a demonstration, and asks them what they would do in this situation. Are you the student he grabbed? Or are you the student who's next, the one he's trying to teach to throw a proper punch? Don't tuck your thumb in, remember, you might break it!

Alternatively, if he spots you lingering and watching, he'll invite you to join in with a little nod acknowledging your presence, letting you know that this is just a self-defense course and not to be worried. He hasn't hurt anyone and he's clearly trying to help others avoid future, erm, incidents.]

WILDCARD

[Feel free to hit me up with a prompt of your own making, or message on plurk for plotting at

wolfchan!]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

( admittedly, sidney actually had no idea noah would even be in here- and with the lack of sound in the library, he couldn't even claim he had heard anything either. stumbling upon the boy was completely unintentional in every way- but there's no way in hell he can just leave him there. careful not to loom, sidney crouches beside him and debates his next action- normally he would try to speak, but the demon library was still definitely a thing. after a moment, he sighs to himself and lays a gentle hand on noah's shoulder...

but is more than prepared to quite literally catch any hands. this isn't his first rodeo. )

[It's a good thing that Sidney can catch hands, because Noah doesn't intend to throw them, nor does he intend to hurt anyone either. It takes him a solid minute to realize that he's fine, that he's not back home and that the man from the scratched-out portrait isn't here and—

—he's fine, and—

—and someone people are dead but he's... fine?

He wipes his eyes off on the backs of his hands and mouths out a single word: Sorry.]

( sidney doesn't even look upset- no surprise there. instead, he just looks... sad, on noah's behalf. just what happened to this poor kid to make him respond in such a way. gently, he closes his hand over the one that swung out and lowers it before sitting down beside him properly, shaking his head at the apology.

people are dead. he's clearly been through a lot. he cannot judge a child for his fear. but he can stay close by, if he needs. after a moment, sidney points at the notebook- either he's asking to see, or asking if they can use it to talk. )

[The pointing barely registers, and it takes Noah a solid ten seconds to give a brisk nod back, red-faced as he looks away. Normally, he'd shut all of this down, shut out the nagging sense of dread and go about his days like nothing's wrong, because that's all he knows. He knows how to pretend.

But here, faced with this, with the reality that he can't go home and that people around him could die at any moment and he's defenseless... it reminds him too much of the circumstances leading up to this point. There's no longer a way he can pretend he's fine and put on a brave face, which is why he came crawling to the back of the library to hide away between the shelves.

No one has to know when he's having a breakdown. He's supposed to be strong for others. He said he would do that much.

But the notebook is fair game, and Noah has indicated as such, even if he's looking elsewhere for the time being.]

( while sidney carefully scoops up the notebook with one hand, he pulls noah somewhat close, rubbing his back steadily- a grounding point.

he doesn't mean to look at the actual pages, only to find a blank one, but he does. ... harque, huh? the cats are ordinary enough, but the weapon and the man with the scratched out face... none of this painted a pretty picture. but it's not his place, so he flips to a blank page to write.

what would work best... comfort, or distraction? writing with just one hand is irritating, but it's small compared to everything else. )

Is there anything you need right now? Anything at all.

( once it's written out, he holds the notebook out to noah. )

[Noah takes it back and wipes more tears from his eyes, breaths still a bit shaky. It helps to have someone just there, and he's... well, maybe not exactly calmed down, but he's doing better than he was moments earlier.

He writes a note back after contemplating for a moment, hands shaking. What does he need? Nothing practical, nothing Sidney can fulfill for him. His brother being alive is a good start, if impossible. Confirmation that this is all some sick joke might be good, that when he wakes up everything will be fine? But that's not reality, and as much as Noah would rather all of this be a badly thought-out prank, he knows better. And so, finally, he writes back:]

A hug.

( there's always something heartbreaking about a kid asking for a hug, but he's never unhappy to give one. and... well, at least noah's being honest about it. too often he's seen people deny themselves what they truly want for comfort or security out of pride. sidney sets the notebook back down before pulling noah just a bit closer, wrapping his arms around him almost protectively. perhaps if there as sound, noah might hear the same comforting whispers sidney's mother used to utter in such moments himself, but... )

[For now, it'll do.

Noah's parents never graced him with the comfort of physical touch, absent as they were; Harque had only lived until the boy hit his fifth birthday and was quickly disposed of after that, and his doppelganger had never been so affectionate. For an imposter, he only halfway fit the role, something that Noah has only come to realise recently.

His sobbing only seems to worsen once he has someone to cry onto, but at the very least, everything that's been trapped inside is free after so, so long. It takes him quite a few minutes before he's calmed down enough to actually let go, to stop crying and just to sit there in the boundless silence.

Grabbing his notebook again, all Noah writes after that is,]

Thank you. I'm sorry.

( oh. oh, noah, no. this is the sort of thing that makes a bitter man's heart break even more. immediately he shakes his head and gently takes the notebook and pen back. )

Don't ever apologize for feeling upset or wanting comfort. And don't apologize for crying. It's a part of healing. Anyone who shames you for it is wrong.

( will noah believe him? he doesn't know. but he can stay at his side and shelter him under his arm for now. )

[Noah much prefers to disappear into the background. It's something he's good at, being a quiet little shadow; so in moments like these where he stands out, where someone else has to provide the affection he's lacked for most of his life, he's never sure what to do. Apologising for the inconvenience seems correct.

Should he... should he apologise for apologising? ...probably not?]

I know. I just don't want to inconvenience you.

[Sidney probably has stuff that he does too, after all.]

You aren't an inconvenience at all.

( maybe some would consider his reply too quick, especially with the absence of the sound of a pen scratching against paper. but he means it, in every way. the implications are horribly unsettling, however... carefully, he keeps noah in a one-sided hug, squeezing his shoulder a bit.

this poor kid. )

I just thought you had more important stuff to do is all.

[Classes are in session, obviously, or he thinks they are? Noah doesn't know how long he's been here, having lost all sense of time since the panic started to set in. He leans his head on Sidney's shoulder regardless, breathing a small, shaky sigh. The sigh itself obviously can't be heard, but the way his shoulders shake can be felt.

He doesn't want to deflect Sidney's help or devalue himself at all, but... at the same time, he's had lots of breakdowns in the past that he confronted alone.]

( he doesn't like that "more important". in fact, he kind of hates it. sidney gives noah a gentle pat on the head but otherwise doesn't move. frankly, regardless of any punishments he'll get, he'll stay right where he is for as long as necessary or desired. )

Nothing worth setting you aside for. You're deserving of help. Far more important than anything here.

[He's not entirely sure that's true; surely he's not more important than other students or anything like that? But that's getting into some deep philosophy that Noah really doesn't need to get into. It's yet another way for him to just lower his value in the moment, and he should know better. He should know better, but Noah rarely does anything for himself — the one thing he actually thinks he does for himself, vengeance against the cult who ruined his and Clamor's lives? That's... kind of for others too.

Being able to admit he needs help is the last thing he ever wants to do, and yet...]

If you say so.

[He's not trying to be dismissive, but that's sort of how that comes off, doesn't it?]

But thanks, still. I mean that a lot. I don't know how to process stuff like whatever this is.

[Listen, mental health care on Elrios is nonexistent.]

( ... who was the one that noah was often with- clamor? maybe he needed to update him on what's happened today. it was a little hard to keep track of who all truly knew each other when he didn't even understand what as happening to begin with. )

That's okay. So log as you know you can accept help from others. Okay?

I'll try. I'm just not good at it.

[Why would he burden others with his problems? He has a hard enough time admitting when something is wrong to Clamor. Imagine having normal emotional processing... couldn't be Noah.]

How do you get good at that?

( he pauses for a moment. )

Helping others in this sort of situation, or accepting help?

Accepting it. I don't know how to do that. I always feel like I shouldn't trouble other people with my problems.

[Especially not Clamor, who already has enough to deal with as it is. Others have issues that are more important; who is Noah to make them worry about him?]

The ones who love you won't feel troubled. They want to help, but you can't help someone who doesn't accept it. Sometimes it's hard to do so, but it's not just an act of vulnerability. It's an act of love between you, and the one who wants to.

Treat yourself with kindness. You deserve to have someone ease the burdens you carry with you.

( the library is actually komaeda's favorite place to be — here, his luck never really works out in his favor, and that's because of how watered down it is. good luck, bad luck, for once in his life he feels safe from his own talent, so frequenting here is normal to him. he's browsing through the list of books trying to find what would stand out to him this time — there's a variety, but he can never choose easily. this is actually one of komaeda's more normal moments — his finger pressed against the spine of the book, slowly dragging his finger along them as he tries to pick one. without finding one, he moves deeper into the library until someone stands — rather sits — out to him.

the attire's familiar, and even that shade of blue hair is enough to tell komaeda who he's found here all along and using the silence of the library to their advantage. the thing is, komaeda may not be able to hear him, but the position too is something he might have done in his youth — "might," is only because his memories are hazy, but that's because of his illness eating away his memory. instead, he works with the emotions he doesn't really understand, and this feels as negative as anything else komaeda feels —

he could easily ignore noah.
in all honesty, he isn't komaeda's problem.
he's numbed to the idea of being attached to people.

and yet, he finds himself taking a few steps closer to the younger, and he presses his back against the bookcase to slowly slide himself down onto the floor next to noah. komaeda may be one off on sanity, but that doesn't mean he doesn't try for the people around him — he's dysfunctional, but some days he can truly be normal without any consequences. komaeda leans forward trying to see the other's face, but they're hidden by his hands unfortunately, so in response to that the ultimate lucky student raises right hand to settle it atop of noah's head, and he brushes away a few locks of hair to the side despite knowing that won't do anything. at least it's encouraging the other to look and see that someone's here, and if he does, he'll be met with komaeda smiling warmly.

he may be numbed to his own feelings and have a difficult time understanding others, but if there's anything he learned with hinata is that constant reassurance and a smile managed to encourage him. )

[To be honest? Komaeda is the last person he expected to provide any source of comfort. They come from entirely different backgrounds, different psychologies, different senses of morality. Noah wants to think they'll see eye to eye one day, but every step forward comes with three steps back with them. And maybe they'll never see eye to eye, maybe that's a hopeless little dream from a kid who's too tunnel-vision to realise that sometimes people just don't ever agree with one another.

And then there are moments like this that make Noah think it's possible.

He reaches out to strike unconsciously, but the smile reaches his eyes just in time for his arm to drop back down to his side, that sudden bout of absolute fear melting away after a moment's breath. This isn't some hallucination. Those blue eyes of his are wide with shock, the gears turning in his head a mile a minute. And for a moment, a single fleeting second, that white hair of Komaeda's reminds him of his brother, and...

If it weren't for his obviously red cheeks and the tears still gathering at the corners of his eyes, tears he unceremoniously wipes away while he's gazing at Komaeda absolutely dumbfounded, he'd try to deny the fact that he's having a breakdown. Deny it like always, like he's not a person with feelings, like he's not ever moments from falling apart just like he is now. It's easier to live his life pretending rather than face it, after all; everything that happened with the auction, the bodies, the school itself, all of that is enough to force him to shut down. The straw that broke the camel's back.

He's not fine. Nothing is fine or okay anymore, but that statement hurts too much to think about. So, instead of communicating that somehow, Noah forces a smile in return. It doesn't last long, fading almost as soon as it came, but...

He grabs the notebook at his side and, underneath the drawings and the half-finished, illegible letter, writes the simplest thing to show gratitude that he can think of.]

Thanks.

( maybe they will never see eye to eye because even komaeda can't bask in the hope that he's helping the others obtain, or he could be that insignificant that thinking he could even choose a side. the transfer student's hope, the actual school student's hope — there's so many options to choose, and he doesn't quite pick a side when doing this. he only acts where hope leads him and yes, it's almost like an unhealthy religion for him, but it's that same reason he's here right now. these emotions that he's feeling, this bout of weakness can easily be overcame, despite komaeda not knowing what brought it about — if noah is able to walk over this hurdle, he'll be stronger for the next circumstance.

the deaths, the loss, the fact that they're here are all stepladders, and as long as noah continues to climb, it'll be worth it in the end. most people wouldn't expect a child to do that, but, even the ultimate knows that the other is already capable of many things. their discussion in front of the glass body for once, it was there noah left himself open to komaeda's analyzing; that was his chance in getting to noah (know) him — laugh, because i'm crying. this is how he has high standards for the male's hope as they sit here with one another, and even komaeda wants to tell him not to give up.

komaeda firmly believes that, and that's why he runs his fingers gently through noah's hair trying to calm him down. it's difficult for him as well, being in a position where his complicated feelings are being used for what? calming someone does who doesn't understand his — their idea of hope, and yet komaeda doesn't fault him. he can't say that aloud though, and while their words are muted thanks to the mechanic of the library, it doesn't stop him from leaning against noah — almost affectionately — so that he knows he's here. he presses both their heads together on the side as sickly, pale green eyes look around at the bookshelf in front of him.

his eyes follow where noah's hands go, the way he reaches out for his notebook, and how komaeda's eyes glance at the specific doodles and known writing he can't makeout from this angle, until noah finds a clean page. it's one, simple word that means so much to people, and for komaeda... he doesn't see why he needs to be thanked. if his sheepish laugh was audible, it'd be heard by now, but instead he slumps down to put his chin on the male's shoulder as he reaches for the pen. )

You don't have to shoulder it alone.

( komaeda's not the best person to talk to as anyone would claim, but the expression on his face of pure concern speaks volumes. not only that... to show weakness or to admit it to him, that's... a whole different ball park, but when he isn't acting like a freak, he's truly capable of good things. )

[ Inaba isn't here for the self-defense classes, but she's certainly paying attention to what's going on carefully because hell if she'll actually participate. ]

You're not doing too bad, teaching them.

[Noah won't force her to participate if she doesn't want to. He gets it. He's got a taller student locked in a headlock when that comment reaches him.]

Thanks. I, um... don't want any repeat incidents. I figured this was the best way to go about it.

[The student who he has in a headlock manages to "break out" while he's talking. As much as this is all theory and no one's getting too bruised and battered, he looks pretty proud.]

Teaching people how to protect themselves is certainly useful.

[ She certainly won't disagree with that much, that's for sure. ]

Although considering some things... self-defense can only do so much.

Yeah... I agree, but...

[He breathes a little sigh. He knows all too well.]

It's a start, and I don't think it's a good idea to arm everyone in the school for self-defense purposes either. That leaves too much potential for more... well, you know.

[And it could be said that teaching someone to kick a potential assailant right in the head might open up more avenues for problems as well, but when faced with a choice to leave people defenseless or try to help, Noah opts for the latter.]

That's also true. I think prioritizing... us might help.

[ Since they're the ones that are stuck in the school versus... everybody else. ]

I agree with you there, too. I was hoping more of us would trickle in, truth be told.

[Now, he hasn't advertised this per say, because he has a gut feeling that the teachers and other faculty members here will try to stop him. The only offers he's made have been to students that offhandedly mentioned being scared and of course the auction donation itself. He's probably screwing himself over if he advertises it on the PDAs... however those things work.]

It seems like most people don't want to involve themselves in a fight if it comes to it, I guess.

( nene doesn't like the library. the quiet is haunting and painful sometimes. but she needs to make herself useful- she can't just wait to be rescued. she'd come with the intent of looking up history or... or paranormal books, maybe, forcing herself to adjust to the ancient text, but in one of the corners she finds someone far more pressing.

she knows what it's like to cry curled up and alone. how helpless it feels. how suffocating the tears can be.

she remembers him coming to her help at the meeting.

is it any surprise that she rushes over, dropping to her knees to engulf noah in a tight hug that he might not have expected? )

[Maybe it's because her hug traps his arms at his sides for a moment, or because he vaguely recognizes her behind a hazy veil of tears, but Noah doesn't strike out against Nene; he jumps visibly, but he doesn't go to try and swat her away or to instinctively fight his way out of the situation. The fog in his mind doesn't clear per say, and he's not quite sure where he is, not at first...

But regardless, being hugged makes him sob harder, and Noah can't help but bury his face into her shoulder as he turns into the hug fully, no longer with his knees to his chest. His arms find purchase around her back, though his grip is fairly loose, all things considered.

He'll apologise for crying into the sleeve of her shirt in a second. Right now, he just... he needs a moment or two. Everything that's happened is too much for him to bear.]

( all nene can do is pull him a bit closer, hold him a bit tighter. she... she gets it. this place is terrifying and feels so constricting and they're trapped and two people have died. it's not okay. she can keep on going as if things are fine but they all know it's not.

so instead, she just lets him cry into her and rubs his back, trying not to tear up herself. ~~he doesn't need to feel even worse, after all.~~ )

[When Noah finally stops crying, there's probably an enormous wet spot on Nene's shirt. He's got a mind to be almost embarrassed about that when he finally pulls away and wipes any lingering tears away from his eyes. They can't talk in the library for obvious reasons, but the notebook is still an option — he just hopes she can read his handwriting when he flips to another page and scribbles out,]

Thanks, Nene. Sorry about your shirt.

[Because that's obviously what's important here, not anything else.]

( nene stares at the writing for a moment, before frowning and.... gently bapping noah on the head and making an ex with her arms as she shakes her head. it looks like she's not accepting any apology. instead, she just gives him another hug before shifting to sit next to him, one hand over one of his.

she's said her piece with this much. )

( In some small way, Noah reminds him of Shino.

Maybe it's the size. Maybe it's the precision in which he moves. Maybe it's the frank morbidity that comes from someone so young, which makes Heathcliff bite his tongue on scolding him for it. Alike or not, they aren't the same person, and they don't have the same familiarity. He keeps to the edge of the lesson, worrying the inside of his cheek as he watches - it's a good class to teach, undoubtedly, even if it's terrifying to think that any of them would actually have to use anything they learned here.

He's without his bodyguard and best friend though; he's without his magic; and while he's had the usual noble lessons he's never liked putting them into practice. He's sensitive - he doesn't like killing things, and he doesn't feel well around the dead - but being able to knock them out for a spell, well, that might be okay... That might be manageable.

So the next time Noah's looking for a volunteer, Heathcliff - beautiful but meek - steps forever, hand raised. )

...Um. I'd like to be next.

( His voice is soft, but audible; stepping out and gaining attention is embarrassing though, and his ears redden slightly. )

[Oh no, two shy people in one room? This can only go so well.]

Sure.

[Noah certainly isn't going to turn anyone down, after all. To him, Heathcliff looks like he doesn't get into many fights; then again, a lot of the students he's been working with really don't because not many normal, well-adjusted people have to literally fight tooth and nail to survive.]

Sorry, I'm not... really sure how long you've been here. Let's start with the basics, okay? [The basics being...] Show me how you throw a punch. Just do it in the air and pretend someone is in front of you.

[The most basic of the basics, but Noah wants to get a good gauge on Heathcliff's capabilities before moving onto more complicated things like breaking out of grabs.]

( Ah, just where all of his training fails him... Not a single noble lesson nor session with the Eastern Wizards prepared him for something like this, which... he knew going in, and it's not like there's been any super good people being taught already, but somehow it still feels. really embarrassing.

Still. He volunteered, and Heathcliff breathes in slowly - breathes out - and tightens his fist-

draws it back-

even if the person is imaginary, he doesn't want to hurt them, and the punch he throws is pretty weak - obviously with the thought of "I don't want to hurt anyone" behind it. Sorry, Noah. )

[Okay, it's better than some of the people Noah has had pass through here. He had an (admittedly nice) person tell him that they didn't want to hurt anyone and that they wouldn't even try throwing a punch, to which his response had been a blunt, "But then you're allowing an assailant to hurt you". They changed their tune after a bit of back and forth. Heathcliff at least bothered to be one step ahead, is the point.]

That's not bad. You should throw a punch with intent, though. I can tell that you don't want to hurt anyone, but that's not good when someone's coming at you with the intent to hurt you.

[Noah steps in front of Heathcliff now, holding his hand up so that the other can see. That hand is balled into a fist, and with his other hand, Noah points to where his thumb is sitting outside of it.]

It's a hard habit to break if you're not used to getting into fights, but try to remember not to tuck your thumb underneath your fingers. When your fist makes impact, you could break it. Just trust me on that one.

[Has Noah broken his thumb before by doing that exact thing? Oh yeah.]

Your stance needs a little work, though. Your legs are too close together, so you'll be easier to topple over in a scuffle. You want to ground yourself a bit better — have your feet apart like this. It makes you harder to knock down. [People learn by example, so Noah shows Heathcliff exactly what he means. He stands in a very practiced fighter's stance with his feet apart, putting his fists in the air in front of his face with elbows bent, the left arm a little closer to his body than the right.] If an attacker comes at you, the best option is to run, but sometimes that's not possible. That's when you want to put up a fight. Most assailants won't fight back with anyone they view as too "feisty".

[Most of them.]

There's a reason you stand like this if you're going to go toe-to-toe with someone, assuming they're unarmed, but we'll get to what to do if they have a weapon in a second. Your non-dominant arm should be your blocker, and you hold your arms up like this to protect mostly the head and neck region. That leaves your stomach and anything lower open, so just keep that in mind. [Without a weapon or a shield, it's a little hard to have anything else covered anyway. Noah continues,] I'll show you an example. Try to stand like I'm doing now. Keep your shoulders squared and your knees slightly bent — you don't want to lock them. When you get that down, we'll review punching with intent.

Oh, uh —

( Heathcliff belatedly but obediently follows his instructions; if nothing else, he's a good listener and a quick learner, though his stance is still a little stiff. It's easy if he just mimics Noah, but if he actually thinks about combat - he can't help but tense, even when he's been in it before.

Different here, he guesses.

He won't speak until he's done his best to not lock his knees though, shifting a bit to try and shake himself out of it and exhaling slowly once he's managed it. )

...How's this?

( "Passable but man you think too much" is the vibe here )

[Well, it's a start. It takes a bit to get into the habit of entering an actual legitimate fighting stance anyway — Noah has had to be in way too many fights in his time, given that he can just pop in and out of such posture at the drop of a hat. It's almost sad, really.]

Pretty good, for your first attempt. [He's seen worse, after all, and maybe "thinking too much" is what Heathcliff needs to get into the rhythm.] So, keep that up. What I want you to do now is to throw a punch at me. It doesn't have to be hard, and it probably shouldn't be, [not that Noah thinks Heathcliff could possibly hurt him,] but I'm going to show you what I mean when I say "blocking" with your non-dominant arm, alright? I still want you to put effort into the punch, though. Make it look real.

[When Noah eventually comes out of his crying fit, he'll find Ritsuka next to him, hugging her legs and staring into the middle distance as she thinks about a shock of red hair and a tired smile.

She doesn't offer a pat on the back or a hug or anything like that. She just murmurs,] It never really stops hurting, does it.

...no, it doesn't.

[Is it supposed to? He hears adults talking all the time about how it's possible to move on and recover, but that's something Noah doesn't think he'll ever be able to do. How is he supposed to get over his brother's assassination? How does he move on from the people who experimented on him?

How is he supposed to face the fact that students here are in danger? How can he do nothing to help the two that already died? To not feel forlorn about the situation? To not be scared in a place like this where they're all stuck without a way out?

He shakes his head; it's all he can muster at this point.]

It isn't supposed to stop hurting, I don't think.

[Roman. Da Vinci. Most of the people Ritsuka lived with, became family with, for two years. Kiara. Meltryllis. An endless mound of corpses, throwing themselves on a sword to create a ramp for her to climb up to her goal, whatever it even was anymore.

Becoming numb to grief wasn't really an option, at least for Ritsuka. She doesn't want to forget them, she doesn't want to forget anyone. She needs to keep that pain in her heart.]

You're always going to carry that weight with you. It's just a matter of getting better at doing other stuff at the same time while it's in the back of your mind.

...some days are worse than others, though.

[Getting better at doing other stuff... yeah.

Maybe that's possible. Noah doesn't know. He'd like to think he's fairly good at shutting everything down long enough to get things done, but sometimes a dam just breaks and leaves him crippled.

Being here, seeing what he's seen, knowing that people here could die at any moment? That doesn't bode well. It almost wants to make him break down more, but Noah knows that helplessness is more likely to get him killed too and put others at risk.

He has to save them. He has to.]

Y...yeah. It's always been easier for me to shut everything off. I'm really bad at, um... coping, I guess.

It's the opposite for me. [Ritsuka sighs, leaning back and lightly banging her head against the wall.] Or maybe it's exactly the same? There's always just so much to do. When I'm not on a mission, I'm defusing fights, or learning something from a Servant, or talking tactics with the command crew, or training in the simulator, or...

I've never really had time to just stop and process, I guess.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

i'm on my way through every day

APRIL 24

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

sidney like HEY CLAMOR CAN WE TALK???

IT'S NOT CLAMOR'S FAULT HE'S USUALLY A SCYTHE!!

HES NOT BLAMING CLAMOR HES KEEPING HIM INFOOOORMED

*sidney voice* hey i found this in the library

yes exactly

no subject

dads a sap

24

not me sobbing over komaeda at 2am couldn't be me

STOP CRYING AT 2AM ok you got me at his brother i had to take a nap on that one

25th

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

APRIL 24TH for MORE HUG

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

25th

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

sidney voice hey i found this in the library