yogen | like a bitter stranger

Entry tags:

like a bitter stranger

Who: Everyone
What: Our monthly family meeting.
When: March 5th, 2000.
Where: Yogen dorms common room.
Warnings: Discussions of murder, suicide, child death...more?

[ A message goes up on the forums late Friday evening.

S.chidouin: Group meeting in the dorms Saturday. 12:00. No punching. No stabbing. I'll bring stickers.

If your character would not find a post from Sara worth listening too, Bonnie is wandering around, vaguely noting how important this meeting is, and how very much you should attend. No further details are forthcoming.

The meeting itself is a quiet affair. The fireplace is not lit, there are no snacks. Sara waits in the corner for everyone to arrive and get settled and then she clears her throat to speak. ]

As most of you know... [ It's hard to start, but her voice gets firmer as she goes on. ] We spent the last two months investigating Maya Arisu's murder. That case is solved. A few weeks ago, Bonnie-chan and I found the culprit.

Rantaro Amami killed Maya Arisu, Hiro Arisu, the vice principal and is presumably responsible for the scene with Keigo Arata. He is also dead. I just figured...everyone should know. To many people got hurt the last few months. I'm sorry.

[ She fiddles with her hair. That's all...she really has to say. There's not much more then that as the gist of it. ]

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[...

technically, she hadn't.

but for the sake of the truth... there's always a lie. and it's such an easy one to say, since she'd believed it until she got here.]

I did. The school Amami-kun and I came from... wasn't so different than this one. We were encouraged to kill one another, or else be trapped there until we died. Saihara-kun, a friend of ours and... I'm sure many here... thought that the one behind it all would be within the school grounds, and so we set down a trap to catch them.

...

Saihara-kun did, anyway. With the purest of intentions to do just that: to catch them, and expose them. I... thought that by killing the person behind it all, the game would end, and we'd be set free.

[a beat. not to gauge his reaction, but to settle herself.]

So I set a second trap. Do you know what a Rube Goldberg machine is, Detective Ebalon? It's a fun little set-up that uses gravity, inertia, and other things like that to move an object from point a to point b. I love things like those, and it was easy to set up in the area we'd planned to catch the mastermind.

And... instead, we caught Amami-kun himself. He wasn't the one behind it all, though -- he was doing exactly what we thought to do: catching the person in the act. It's just... how it worked out, [her throat tightens and she gives a shaky inhale, exhale,] he died. And it was all because of me.

I don't... understand. It... it sounds like an accident...? So that means — that means it wasn't murder, then?

[Unless he's completely misunderstanding the situation, which is possible. He's still in shock, but accidents... those happen. Sometimes things just happen. Kaede couldn't have...]

Murder is murder, Detective. I intended to kill the person behind it all -- all because I thought that was what was best, that it was the only way to stop it as soon as possible. The fact that Amami-kun was caught in it instead is unfortunate, but if he really had been the one behind it... then I wouldn't have regretted my actions at all.

[because she's someone who's justice and belief in herself goes to extremes, because she understands what it's like to have to think to such extremes for the good of others -- even if just for one person, or a group of fifteen.]

... Okay?

...

[Noah slumps forward in his seat. Where there was once ire is now the cold, cold realisation that she's like him.

He had killed. A couple times. Noah knows all of this comes from the genuine belief that murder is bad, but he also knows he's a bad person himself. Too often does he justify his own actions, declare himself as right because it suits his narrative, and yet at the same time he'll be the first to say that he's also horrid.

At the same time, he'd like to think he's better than some others here. His few kills weren't made for no reason — killing who he thought was the impostor that killed Harque was the first, though the timeline was reset and in a way it technically didn't happen. Killing Hyde was because he would've died otherwise.

It's a constant, never-ending game of back-and-forth that Noah plays with himself. Justifying actions that are unjustifiable. Perhaps it says something that he's grown enough to realise that he's no saint. Perhaps it says something else entirely that he can get mad at Amami and everyone else and then turn around and say "but I'm still right" when he's just as reprehensible.]

But... you were... you did it to get out. To save people. So it's... it's...

["It's not okay to murder."

"It's okay to murder if you have to save yourself."

"Don't hurt others."

"Hurting others is justifiable if they hurt you."]

...it's okay if it's for a cause like that, isn't it?

[It's almost like he's asking, rather than reassuring. In a way, he is.]

... I certainly thought so.

[she sighs, raising her head to smile at noah.]

I confessed. Lead them to the truth. And then I died, because that's the system we had there. And what I left behind... was a simple a wish: that they do their best, be friends, and stop the mastermind -- so they could be free and live their lives the way they wanted. What I had bet on and lost.

[it doesn't answer the question proper, though, and after a moment she will give him a better one:]

People can justify it as they see fit. They can fault others for it, too. It's just a matter of perspective... in the eyes of some, I just fell right into their trap and kicked the whole thing off. And in the eyes of others... I did what I thought was right, and in the process hurt so, so many people. And killed a very dear friend of mine.

[it's evident in how often she and amami spent time together that this was fact enough, nevermind he'd always talk well about her skills and the like. to kill someone she cherished so much on such a slim hope...]

Looking back, there's no justification for that extreme. If everyone can talk things out, can be open and be willing to think of something else, then there's no limit in the possibilities they can create. Even just... incapacitating someone is better than that.

...yeah. I...

[Noah wrings his hands together in his lap. He feels for her, and he doesn't know how to convey it properly. Saying that almost seems empty, given his earlier outbursts. Clearly the grieving child who yells a lot and has a track record for punching people and acts completely unsympathetic at the best of times gets it, yes of course, because that makes sense.

He sighs inwardly.]

I wish I could've done that, looking back. I tried to... sorry, I guess you weren't here for that. Backtracking... there was someone named Hyde here once, and he was... a serial killer, I think. He came after me one night, almost a year ago now. I tried to talk to him. I didn't want to kill him, but he wouldn't listen to reason.

...I should've just incapacitated him, even when he was aiming to kill me.

[Even when he technically did, Noah thinks quietly, though his moonstone had rewinded time to save him in the end.]

I should've done that with Add, too. I should've tried to talk longer when we fought, like you said.

...Sorry. I didn't mean to make the conversation about me. I'm just... trying to say you're not alone, maybe.

It's easier to think of "should've"s after the fact, huh?

[should've done this, should've done that... it seems everyone else feels the same, listening to the sentiment echoed around. kaede'll take his hand, if he'll let her, and squeeze it gently.]

Thanks. I really appreciate it, Ebalon-kun. And... I don't think anyone would've blamed you either time for what you did -- as much as we wish this and that, when it comes down to it... we aren't the most logical out there. All we can do is hold ourselves accountable and do better.

Yeah. That's... all I want to be, is better. Better than the Noah of last year or even last month. It's just... it's hard.

[A neverending quest for self-improvement, really, because if he thinks about it? Noah doesn't believe he'll ever like himself or be happy with his progress entirely. On one hand, he knows he's come far, and he's said as much; on the other, he looks in the mirror and still feels disappointed.

Maybe that's just life.]

...thank you for having this talk with me, detective.

... You too, detective. And... no matter how hard it is, let's do better together. It's easier when you have a friend at your side.

[she knows from experience, after all. how hard something can be. how having someone who believes in you can change all that.]

( some time during the meeting, after watching the stress that noah has shown here but perhaps when it's a little quieter in discussion, maple will make her way over with two teacups in hand, both with cream and sugar. )

Noah... This is for you.

( she lifts one of the two cups, expression faintly concerned. she has no stake in this event, and no strong feelings either way, but... noah, she remembers, was very kind to her before. it makes her sad to see him so distressed. )

Would you like to sit with me?

( they can go somewhere else... maybe not away from the whole meeting, but the thick of it, perhaps. a more distant loveseat by the window is what maple has her mind on, but the discussion room she's slowly putting back together may be more comforting for him at a time like this... either way, she watches noah expectantly for an answer. )

Huh? Oh... um. Y-yeah.

[He could use a break, away from being in the middle of the crowd and exasperated with everything happening, trying to cope and come to terms while shouting his head off and crying sporadically. It hasn't been a great day so far, he has to admit.]

Where... uh... [He rubs his eyes, stray tears coming off on his gloves.] Where? I'll follow you. ...thank you for the tea, too.

( there's a smile on maple's face at his thanks, his acceptance, though it's gentle and sympathetic as he wipes at the tears. ah, first things first though: )

Here, do you mind taking this?

( she'll offer up one of the teacups, filled full, but not so much that he should worry it will spill while they walk. after all, if he can free up one of her gloved hands, she'd like to use it for something more important—continuing to offer it for him to take with his other. holding hands... that's a soothing thing, she thinks. it never fails to make her feel better when hiyori holds hers, at least. )

Why don't we go to the discussion room? I'll lead the way—I'm sure you have a lot of feelings to sort out.

[He takes the teacup carefully so not to spill anything, staring down into the liquid for a beat or two before he looks back up and registers that she's still holding her hand out to him. Inquisitively, he stares at it, and only after that does he figure out what she's offering.

Oh.

Despite everything going on, somehow he manages to turn red at the offer, sheepishly reaching out to take her hand and giving it a squeeze.]

...yeah. I do have a lot to sort out.

[Like how he can be angry still after everything he's heard, mixed with wanting to understand and forgive because he'd forgiven Amami in the past — mostly on account of what was saving Clamor's life, in a way, a really weird way. Of course Noah would conveniently not consider Amami's kill of the doppelganger to be Not Murder because Noah sided with the guy in the end; it's always about Noah and what Noah Thinks.

Sigh. He trudges along next to Maple, keeping his eyes forward.]

( good boy. maple's smile is bright and warm when he accepts her hand, though... the direction they're headed, noah may almost mistake them for going back to his own room if it weren't for the fact that they turn left instead of right. )

Taking the time to talk about everything will help you find your path forward—just like you helped me decide on what I want to do.

( pushing open the door to dito's room, maple will pull noah gently inside before shutting it behind them. well, anyway, it's not like it looks much like it belongs to dito anymore.

there was a clear bias and effort to cover the room in pink, but where that's failed from shortage of supply purples and oranges take their place, giving the room a feeling like a sunset. to the side, a small side table has been set up next to two comfortable chairs — all three of which had disappeared from the common room not too long ago. that's the direction maple will gently tug noah's hand towards. )

It's hard when people act in ways that hurt you, right? Even though you want to be friends...

[Honestly, Noah's never been a fan of Dito, so going in that direction makes him nervous until he sees that this room is very sunset-coloured and nice and not at all... Dito-ish. He sinks down into one of the chairs and sips at his tea carefully, hesitating to answer the question at first.

Too many complicated emotions, he supposes.]

...yeah. I mean— it's not like I'm a good person either, I just... wish others could be? If that makes sense. Murder is mostly pointless. It just feels like a waste at this point. Why are we still doing this?

[It's a nebulous "we". "We" as in everyone in the school, not necessarily him and Maple.]

If this is just a test from that God in the forest shrine, I'm sick of it.

( oh, goodness, there's a lot to unpack here. a god in a forest shrine is one thing, and she tucks that little comment away in her pocket, but it's not what noah seems to be the most distressed over. an easy target—somewhere he can place the blame for his troubled feelings—so it's the feelings she focuses on for now. )

You say that you're not a good person... but it's still something you want for them...

( she repeats after him, nodding slowly as she parses the words. )

You'd rather carry that burden for the people you care about, so it's frustrating when they make that choice all alone, without sharing it with you. Am I right?

...I guess so. I...

[He shakes his head, squeezing the mug in his hands. The hot ceramic almost threatens to burn him, but he doesn't care. Not entirely, anyway; he's too focused on the conversation at hand.]

The thought of good people killing makes me sick. It makes me sick to kill people myself, don't get me wrong — I've never been able to do it without feeling sick. I couldn't do it back home when the person deserved it, since she was... working with a doomsday cult. It's not important. I could barely kill people mutated by Henir to put them out of their misery. One of the people I want to kill, the person who killed my brother, I don't know where he is — and the other was killed by Amami to save Clamor. What was left of Clamor.

...

But if I had to choose, no one would kill anyone ever again. And if that really was something necessary, if killing wasn't avoidable, I'd rather do it myself than have someone else do it. It's...

[Easier that way? No, not really, as he's already established that he hates the very idea of it.]

...I don't know. If Clamor wanted to kill, I'd do it for him. And that goes for Nene, too, and Nanami, and Kaede... I guess that's what I mean. They wouldn't have to be burdened, because I could take it for them.

[This slightly correlates with Noah's sense of self-loathing, too; to prove to himself that he's a terrible person, what lengths is he willing to go to? Perhaps he has good philosophies in his heart, but he's still the type to carry out murder in the name of revenge — at the end of the day, it's all he's good for. "Be the bigger person", they say, but he's always been incapable of that.

If someone came for his friends, the people he loves most, he wouldn't hesitate. That's what Noah thinks separates him from being a good man, even if that word is rather subjective in the long term.]

I think you're a good person. You were so kind to me when I first came here, and you even said that you wanted for me and Hiyori to be happy... The people who you would kill, I'm sure that you only do so to prevent them from hurting others.

( maple shakes her head, not disapproving, but sympathetic. )

I don't think that makes you a bad person, Noah. You just want to protect the people precious to you.

( much like... the way it seems someone else did, this time...

maple doesn't care about that so much though. she cares far more for the boy in front of her, bearing all this weight by his lonesome as if the weight of sin itself sits upon his shoulders. he's far too young for that, she thinks. far too sweet, too. )

But while you work so hard for everyone, who is it that helps you with your burdens?

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like a bitter stranger

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1/2 give him a minute,

2/2 and back on schedule

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