[when things have dispersed, there's someone she needs to find. someone who sought her out in a similar state, and it's time to return the favor. classes, she's glad this was only a review day, something she could afford to skip, and instead goes looking for Maple.
she knows some spaces where Maple might go, and starts checking, making her way through campus. and finally, when she hears her, she knocks gently on the doorframe, trying to not startle her.]
( for now, it's the nurse's office she can be found in—the gentle tapping of her heels against linoleum floors as she makes her way back and forth in the small room, organizing medicines and first aid supplies that never seems to stay where it's put. it can't be helped in a school like this, but she does wish that the other students wouldn't be so suspicious of hiyori, who can help them with anything at all should they need it.
the steps and shuffling both pause though, when helena taps against the doorframe, and the response that comes is quick and easy. )
Of course, Helena, I always have time for you. Here, why don't you come take a seat?
( luckily the nurse's office has a couple of those. )
( maple doesn't hesitate to follow helena's request, and there's a brush of fabric against a seat across from her as maple takes it, hands folded neatly in her lap. )
I'm alright. Did I worry you? I'm sorry...
( she cuts off here, unsure of what to say, and pausing for a moment's thought. her lips purse, her gaze drops, and there's even a soft little exhale to accompany the hesitation. it's a difficult thing to explain in detail; something that her cognition processes, something that she feels as if her own synthetic heart were aching, but whenever she grasps for the words to express it, it's like curling her fingers around wisps of smoke. she seems to make a decision soon enough though, settling on something to say, even if it doesn't feel fully satisfying. )
[there's an ocean of sympathy in those two words, sorrow that crosses her features, and she tentatively reaches a hand out, trying to find hers. it's hard, to lose a friend - even numb as she is from the endless, endless battles, she remembers something of the feeling. and then losing Keigo so recently, it had torn open old scars, and the wounds ache anew. she knows this feeling, the pain of it, and so Maple's desperation to have something to hold onto rings all the more true.]
( maybe "it's okay" would sound more natural. maybe it's an answer helena would look for: something simple, something that resolves the worry. maple recognizes that, on some level, but... it's not. it's not okay, and she doesn't want to pretend that it is, either. she aches all over, but nowhere at all, and even as she recognizes the gesture, places her hand in helena's, she still feels the ghost of a sensation like sharp glass digging into her skin. it's strange though, isn't it? there's no injury or tears to the surface of her body. no way to see a wound of the heart.
.......... )
I thought before... that I could be happy no matter what happened, as long as I was beside Hiyori... But losing someone who was kind to you... it's hard, isn't it...?
[her grip tightens some, so that Maple has reassuring pressure against her hand for now. someone there, to soften the blow, to hide the invisible wound with their body as surely as bandages cover gashes and burns.]
You wish it was different, and it hurts deeply, but it doesn't mean your other feelings are any less, that your happiness isn't there. Even as I'm hopeful he'll come back as soon as he can, for you and everyone else...it still is a very, very difficult thing. I know that well, so I can say that.
( helena, ranger, hiyori... and add, too... it's something that sets them apart—makes them special to her. they listen to maple, they hear her feelings out, they tell her it's okay to feel those things; they're kind. maybe if everyone was so kind, this would be an easier experience to process. as things stand, the loss alone isn't the only hurt she feels. )
Nobody else understands. They thought that I would hurt him, and they wanted to keep pieces of him for themselves... But it's not like they helped when Ranger and I brought him and Nagito inside.
( they aren't the ones who had to watch what remained of him fall apart in their very hands. )
I can't claim to know what was in their heads...but perhaps they were upset and scared, upset the same way you were. Grief makes people do all sorts of things...become desperate, and accuse people of doing things they wouldn't do. It makes it harder for them to see how much it pains you.
[so, she's agreeing it wasn't rational. gentle words, explaining, and not trying to tell Maple she's wrong for it. it still exists, even explained. she hurts, and Helena knows it.]
I know you'd never hurt him, because he was and still is your friend.
( if they cared, if they really cared, maple doesn't think it would have been this hard for her. maybe if they cared, they would have carried add's body inside, instead of emptying his pockets. if they cared, maybe it wouldn't have been her who had to bear that weight, with a friend she had only just met. )
He was. ( he is. her friend—someone precious to her. that pink velvet tea was proof, to her, that it was a mutual feeling. even so... ) That doesn't make it okay...
( she feels firm in that. just because they're having difficulty with their feelings, it doesn't mean that she has to accept hers being stepped on. her lips curve in a frown, and she pulls her hand back into her lap. )
Some things aren't right to do to others, even if you're sad yourself. It isn't fair to blame me. Cruel... It's cruel...
[as cruel as someone acting as though grief was a spectacle to be beheld for amusement. she can't erase that it happened, but she can at least acknowledge Maple's pain. the loss of her hand feels wrong - Helena knows how to soothe via touch, how to measure someone's reactions, how to connect - but if she doesn't want it, she can't force her.]
Even if they weren't thinking, even if they were hurt themselves, it doesn't mean you have to forgive them for it.
[all she can do is listen - but she can do that well.]
( dito... well, dito's on thin fucking ice, that's for sure, but he's also on about the level of a poorly trained dog so far as maple is concerned. she was warned from the beginning about him, and it's hiyori's job to keep him properly muzzled. if anything, she'll take it to him, and that would be most effective, she thinks. sara and subaru though, they're different...
she had expected better, from people like them—from people who claimed to care.
but it's not about them, either. right now, it's about maple and helena. right now, it's about treasuring her friend who has gone away. right now, they have all the significance of ants to her. so she shakes her head to dismiss the thoughts, the negativity, the frustration and the anger and the hurt, and decides it's time for a change. )
I'm sorry, this must be tiring to talk about, isn't it? I really appreciate you hearing out my feelings, Helena, but why don't we talk about something nicer?
( she breathes in. huffs out. presses her hands together in a light little clap. fresh start! fresh feelings! mood swings in minor ways! )
You know, there was one thing that didn't fall apart, that time.
Mm...before I ask you about that, I want to say something.
[it's something important to say, something she needs to voice, worry still creasing her brow.]
It's not tiring to hear you talk about your feelings, Maple. You're a friend to me - I want to be a support to you, if I can, so please don't worry about that sort of thing.
[she knows that sort of deflection. how many times has she herself said it's not about her, it's about someone else's feelings? worried for them instead of herself?]
But if you want to talk about something else...I understand. What didn't fall apart?
Oh, I didn't mean to worry you. It's okay, really, but I just think...
( hm... how should she word it. there's a moment's hesitation, but it's quickly pushed through by certainty, and maple's voice is clear as the sunlight streaming in through the window when she speaks. )
I'd rather focus on remembering Add.
( the people whose names start with "s" are on the level of insects now, that's all. )
When I picked him up, everything turned into dust except for his jacket. Of course, the sleeve is missing on one side, but I was thinking that I might mend it.
Oh...that would be a wonderful project! A perfect way to remember him - a memento you can touch every day if you so choose.
[that, she means wholeheartedly. her glasses, a gift from her father, were that for herself - something she could wear every day, and feel that love given to her.]
Do you know if you'll make them match or create something new?
( the way she says create something new like maple not about to mend it, she aboutta make a whole new thing out of it. imagine if she took this jacket komaeda was supposed to have and said yes this will make a cute new dress for me to remember him by! probably not what helena meant, but would be lying to say the thought doesn't flit through her mind.
still, smile to her voice, it's not what she lingers on. )
I wonder if I'll have the material to make it match... but if I can, I think I'd like to. Add will come back eventually, and wouldn't it be nice for it to be whole, if so?
He'd probably say something about how you went to too much effort, and why did you bother, but what he'd mean was that he was touched by your work for him. He's that sort of man.
[she nods. there's a word for this she heard floating around....tsundere....]
( it sounds curious to her, but... not out of line with the boy she'd met. he had acted aloof, but he really had shown concern for ranger and others—right down to the end, it was his care for komaeda that led to such a circumstance too, wasn't it? maple's demeanour softens, and she presses the tips of her fingers together thoughtfully. )
I hope he returns soon. We'll give him a lovely welcome when he does.
I know we will. We'll make the fact that he's cared for so obvious that he can't even try to deny it - he'll have no choice but to accept us, and that we missed him.
[it's like she told Noah. they'll shove it in his face, and then he can't slide away from the fact that he's loved - that they know he loves back.]
( they're teaching him bad habits by rewarding the undesirable behaviour of dying, but maybe just this once, that's okay. maybe the care add deserves is unconditional, and they'll cross the bridge of his new character development problems when they get to it. )
Thank you, Helena. I feel much better after talking with you.
( it's nice... having somebody who understands your feelings. )
[and she means it - she's happy to be that support for Maple, to give her what she gives to other people. she deserves at least that much from the world.]
Please know...any time you want, I'm happy to speak with you. You're my friend, after all.
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after meeting, 4/12
she knows some spaces where Maple might go, and starts checking, making her way through campus. and finally, when she hears her, she knocks gently on the doorframe, trying to not startle her.]
Maple? Do you have some time to talk?
no subject
the steps and shuffling both pause though, when helena taps against the doorframe, and the response that comes is quick and easy. )
Of course, Helena, I always have time for you. Here, why don't you come take a seat?
( luckily the nurse's office has a couple of those. )
no subject
[she'll come in and sit, to make Maple feel at ease about things, but it's not her comfort that's important right now.]
Maybe...you can sit too? I know the meeting was a lot to deal with.
[an echo of when Maple had done the same for her, kind concern for its own sake.]
I just got worried for you, and wanted to see if you were all right.
no subject
I'm alright. Did I worry you? I'm sorry...
( she cuts off here, unsure of what to say, and pausing for a moment's thought. her lips purse, her gaze drops, and there's even a soft little exhale to accompany the hesitation. it's a difficult thing to explain in detail; something that her cognition processes, something that she feels as if her own synthetic heart were aching, but whenever she grasps for the words to express it, it's like curling her fingers around wisps of smoke. she seems to make a decision soon enough though, settling on something to say, even if it doesn't feel fully satisfying. )
I've never lost a friend before, you see.
no subject
[there's an ocean of sympathy in those two words, sorrow that crosses her features, and she tentatively reaches a hand out, trying to find hers. it's hard, to lose a friend - even numb as she is from the endless, endless battles, she remembers something of the feeling. and then losing Keigo so recently, it had torn open old scars, and the wounds ache anew. she knows this feeling, the pain of it, and so Maple's desperation to have something to hold onto rings all the more true.]
I'm so sorry.
no subject
( maybe "it's okay" would sound more natural. maybe it's an answer helena would look for: something simple, something that resolves the worry. maple recognizes that, on some level, but... it's not. it's not okay, and she doesn't want to pretend that it is, either. she aches all over, but nowhere at all, and even as she recognizes the gesture, places her hand in helena's, she still feels the ghost of a sensation like sharp glass digging into her skin. it's strange though, isn't it? there's no injury or tears to the surface of her body. no way to see a wound of the heart.
.......... )
I thought before... that I could be happy no matter what happened, as long as I was beside Hiyori... But losing someone who was kind to you... it's hard, isn't it...?
no subject
[her grip tightens some, so that Maple has reassuring pressure against her hand for now. someone there, to soften the blow, to hide the invisible wound with their body as surely as bandages cover gashes and burns.]
You wish it was different, and it hurts deeply, but it doesn't mean your other feelings are any less, that your happiness isn't there. Even as I'm hopeful he'll come back as soon as he can, for you and everyone else...it still is a very, very difficult thing. I know that well, so I can say that.
no subject
( helena, ranger, hiyori... and add, too... it's something that sets them apart—makes them special to her. they listen to maple, they hear her feelings out, they tell her it's okay to feel those things; they're kind. maybe if everyone was so kind, this would be an easier experience to process. as things stand, the loss alone isn't the only hurt she feels. )
Nobody else understands. They thought that I would hurt him, and they wanted to keep pieces of him for themselves... But it's not like they helped when Ranger and I brought him and Nagito inside.
( they aren't the ones who had to watch what remained of him fall apart in their very hands. )
no subject
[so, she's agreeing it wasn't rational. gentle words, explaining, and not trying to tell Maple she's wrong for it. it still exists, even explained. she hurts, and Helena knows it.]
I know you'd never hurt him, because he was and still is your friend.
no subject
He was. ( he is. her friend—someone precious to her. that pink velvet tea was proof, to her, that it was a mutual feeling. even so... ) That doesn't make it okay...
( she feels firm in that. just because they're having difficulty with their feelings, it doesn't mean that she has to accept hers being stepped on. her lips curve in a frown, and she pulls her hand back into her lap. )
Some things aren't right to do to others, even if you're sad yourself. It isn't fair to blame me. Cruel... It's cruel...
no subject
[as cruel as someone acting as though grief was a spectacle to be beheld for amusement. she can't erase that it happened, but she can at least acknowledge Maple's pain. the loss of her hand feels wrong - Helena knows how to soothe via touch, how to measure someone's reactions, how to connect - but if she doesn't want it, she can't force her.]
Even if they weren't thinking, even if they were hurt themselves, it doesn't mean you have to forgive them for it.
[all she can do is listen - but she can do that well.]
Even if they don't want to hear it...I do.
no subject
( dito... well, dito's on thin fucking ice, that's for sure, but he's also on about the level of a poorly trained dog so far as maple is concerned. she was warned from the beginning about him, and it's hiyori's job to keep him properly muzzled. if anything, she'll take it to him, and that would be most effective, she thinks. sara and subaru though, they're different...
she had expected better, from people like them—from people who claimed to care.
but it's not about them, either. right now, it's about maple and helena. right now, it's about treasuring her friend who has gone away. right now, they have all the significance of ants to her. so she shakes her head to dismiss the thoughts, the negativity, the frustration and the anger and the hurt, and decides it's time for a change. )
I'm sorry, this must be tiring to talk about, isn't it? I really appreciate you hearing out my feelings, Helena, but why don't we talk about something nicer?
( she breathes in. huffs out. presses her hands together in a light little clap. fresh start! fresh feelings! mood swings in minor ways! )
You know, there was one thing that didn't fall apart, that time.
no subject
[it's something important to say, something she needs to voice, worry still creasing her brow.]
It's not tiring to hear you talk about your feelings, Maple. You're a friend to me - I want to be a support to you, if I can, so please don't worry about that sort of thing.
[she knows that sort of deflection. how many times has she herself said it's not about her, it's about someone else's feelings? worried for them instead of herself?]
But if you want to talk about something else...I understand. What didn't fall apart?
no subject
( hm... how should she word it. there's a moment's hesitation, but it's quickly pushed through by certainty, and maple's voice is clear as the sunlight streaming in through the window when she speaks. )
I'd rather focus on remembering Add.
( the people whose names start with "s" are on the level of insects now, that's all. )
When I picked him up, everything turned into dust except for his jacket. Of course, the sleeve is missing on one side, but I was thinking that I might mend it.
no subject
[that, she means wholeheartedly. her glasses, a gift from her father, were that for herself - something she could wear every day, and feel that love given to her.]
Do you know if you'll make them match or create something new?
no subject
still, smile to her voice, it's not what she lingers on. )
I wonder if I'll have the material to make it match... but if I can, I think I'd like to. Add will come back eventually, and wouldn't it be nice for it to be whole, if so?
no subject
[she nods. there's a word for this she heard floating around....tsundere....]
no subject
( it sounds curious to her, but... not out of line with the boy she'd met. he had acted aloof, but he really had shown concern for ranger and others—right down to the end, it was his care for komaeda that led to such a circumstance too, wasn't it? maple's demeanour softens, and she presses the tips of her fingers together thoughtfully. )
I hope he returns soon. We'll give him a lovely welcome when he does.
no subject
[it's like she told Noah. they'll shove it in his face, and then he can't slide away from the fact that he's loved - that they know he loves back.]
no subject
Thank you, Helena. I feel much better after talking with you.
( it's nice... having somebody who understands your feelings. )
no subject
[and she means it - she's happy to be that support for Maple, to give her what she gives to other people. she deserves at least that much from the world.]
Please know...any time you want, I'm happy to speak with you. You're my friend, after all.