yogen | [CLOSED] because the last time I let myself feel this way

It's overwhelming.

Everything is overwhelming. His head is throbbing and his mind is racing, and it feels like he's hanging on by just a thread, like if he stops thinking for even a second everything will fall apart. He doesn't know why—doesn't remember what he's supposed to be thinking about—but it's too much, it's terrifying, everything is wrong and terrifying. He holds his breath until it hurts but it never does, so he just stops altogether. He wants the world to stop being so much. He wants to crawl into a hole and never leave.

A desk is close enough to a hole... so he's staying under here until he feels better. Or never. Whichever comes first.

Somewhere else in the school, a rousing game of cat laser tag is interrupted by a piercing sequence of beeps that can only be described as distress. Dynamo drops what they're doing to make a beeline for the science lab—if someone doesn't open the door for them, they will break a window by force, this is not a drill.

[Hey, where the fuck are his lasers going—

Noah lets out a startled, upset mrowww as Dynamo beeps and races off, chasing after them with his tail puffed up and lashing. How dare you take the toys away from the Noah, he's only been a catboy for a couple of days and this is Noah abuse??

...

They want into the lab?]

I'll get the door open. Hold on...

["Hold on" is keyword for Noah's going to scratch at the door for a second before remembering he has hands. Hopefully the door is unlocked because if it's not he's going to break it down.]

[The door opens and four drones immediately split off to fret over their master. The fifth stays behind with Noah—their hover is twitchier than usual, almost like fidgeting, resisting the urge to add a fifth scanner to Add's checkup. They're feeling a lot of emotions right now and none of them are good.

It hasn't quite occurred to them to explain what's going on for Noah... but if he can't just guess it, Add isn't hiding very far. The scientist remains unusually quiet while his drones continue to fret. Scanning, analyzing, re-scanning...

beep] No injuries detected. High stress levels detected. [... but it's wrong. it must be wrong, because Add says it's wrong and Add is always right. the drone beeps again.] Error. Master Add is hurt. No injuries detected. Master Add is hurt. Master Add is hurt. Master Add...

[a cascade of beeps, now they're both upset. The drone drifts back towards Noah... emotional support catboy, please help, they don't know how to fix this]

[Does Add have a specific smell because unfortunately Noah is a cat and would... probably be able to smell him.

Either way, he follows after Dynamo, tracking Add by scent aside, and crouches down to see him hiding under a table. He swore when Add got back that he'd hug him, but Noah knows panic when he sees it — he used to look like this every other week — and he knows better than to just give an unprompted hug.

...

Cat instincts kick Noah's ass and he starts purring. Purrs help! And then he catches himself and realises that he's lost himself to catboy impulses, this is probably not helpful. Ahem.]

Add...? [What the fuck does he even say—] Add, hey. You shouldn't sit under tables. What... what if you hit your head standing up?

[...starting up the purr motors again.]

[Add is pressed up against the back of the desk, knees hugged to his chest with four dynamos smothering him from all sides... are they also vibrating a little? like... robot-purring? it really is catboys all the way down, Noah aint even wrong here

Add seems unresponsive... but Dynamo's distressed error cuts off, leaving only a quiet whir that fills the silence. reassessing, recalculating, trying to fit the pieces together

but it's hard to focus. nothing feels real and he doesn't know how to ask am I dead? without it sounding stupid. if he can think, then he must be alive, so then... what happened? what can he remember...? someone else, there should be...]

... Komaeda. [his throat is dry and he hasn't been breathing for the past several minutes, but there's urgency in his voice. he needs to know—] Where is he? Is he...

[did he fail to make a difference...?]

Komaeda is okay. I... he was really injured, but your stasis magic saved him. [That sentence is punctuated with a mrrrow because unfortunately he cannot control the cat noises anymore.] I gave him a healing potion I had and he made a full recovery. He's been walking around...

[He frowns, ears flattening against his head. He's glad he could do that much, but this shouldn't have happened at all! —No, no, this isn't about Noah and what Noah can and can't do to save people. Shut up, brain.]

If it weren't for your efforts, he would've died for sure.

[anxious silence, a faint chorus of beeps—wordless communication, confirming details, processing... Komaeda is okay. he's okay. the dynamos draw in tighter, reassuring, comforting

the rest doesn't matter. if Add died, or...

wait no it does matter] There isn't— I haven't been here, if I have then that's not me—

[imagine if u guys never figured out there were two Adds... anyway, at least he's looking up now, trying to meet Noah's eyes. finally starting to notice the other weird details. catboy Noah has not fully registered in his brain yet but there's a lot to unpack here give him one thing at a time, kicking his own ass takes priority over everything else now that he knows Komaeda is safe]

...well, whoever it was, whatever version of "you" it was... he put some crystal in Komaeda's mouth that kept him in a form of stasis— you know how this works, actually, nevermind.

[Noah mansplaining Add's powers to him like I bet you don't know what you can do lol I've got this.]

You don't have to tell me what happened if you don't want to. I won't pry into it, but... I'm glad you're back. I missed seeing you around. [And the purrs start back up again, oh boy.]

He didn't do anything. [Add is practically growling, like hell he's gonna let his shitty AU copy take credit for that] Is that what he's saying? That he saved Komaeda?!

[that's not even close to what Noah said, but he's only half-listening. the other half is still stuck in that moment, hyperfocused on maintaining an existence that's no longer in jeopardy. he doesn't know how he's supposed to feel anymore, what to think of I missed you or I'm glad you're back, the possibility of his other self still being here, replacing him, how much of what he's seeing and hearing is even real...

it's easier to just be angry. he wants to be angry.]

Just once I wanted to do things right— [his voice cracks, and... it's wrong. it sounds wrong, and that's all his brain can register before he's choking on his own words, shaking, dizzy, vision blurred. symptoms that don't make sense because he's not supposed to break down like this, not like this, not where people can see

... but it's too late to stop it now. all he can do is bury his face in his knees and pretend it's not happening, like... maybe it's better if this is all a wild hallucination. dying electrical signals in the... void-person core, or whatever. that's why Noah is a cat and Dynamo is speaking to him strangely.

by his own decision, he's barely aware of his surroundings—maybe that's why he doesn't resist or argue when Dynamo pulls Noah into their protective huddle. the purring helps. he is, surprisingly, getting his hug without having to initiate it.]

[Whoops, Noah is being pushed into the cuddle pile. You know what, that's perfectly fine, he's taking his hug — arms wrap around Add and squeeze tightly, and Noah's head winds up against Add's shoulder. The purrs increase in intensity without him being aware of it.]

No one's saying anything, Add. [Noah just doesn't know how to articulate this.] By the time I got to the scene, it was... it was already over and done with. It took me a bit to realise that there was another "you" in the first place.

[He has no idea what to say to the latter point, though. What can he say? He wasn't there. He doesn't know what "right" means in this case. Anything he could possibly say might make Add angrier, and that's the last thing he wants to do. So, instead, he settles for trying to comfort him in a way that Noah personally would want to hear.]

You're alive now, and you can move forward. You won't have to be stuck in the past forever. [Like Noah always is.] I'll be here with you to help, if I can. As a friend.

For the rest of that first day back, Add isn't taking guests. He has a whole dorm room to himself now, so that's where he holes himself up once he regains the courage to leave the science room... and from there, honestly, he spends most of the day sleeping. There are still details he needs to confirm, people he needs to check on... but it feels like it's been a lot, even if everything happened months ago at this point. He needs some time to recover.

For the next couple days after... the dynamos are much more active, zipping around the schoolgrounds and dorms to fetch various items for their master—they're making sure he eats, though they might need some help in the kitchen, the lack of hands is truly a problem here. But Add still isn't taking guests, as they'll cheerfully inform anyone who asks. He is alive and safe, they've made certain of that, but he's not ready to see anyone yet. He still needs time to catch up, to recover.

... or so the instructions go. Dynamo can see his true feelings, though, and if it's someone he's close to... they'll allow a visit, at a time when he's feeling up for it.

( what memories should the kitchen bring back? none, but when he thinks too hard about everything that happened he finds the back of his head hurting, pain spiking in one area and a long sigh slipping from his lips. this could come from how similar the other place was, and how it could all happen again, but at least there's no tea cups here as a warning sign.

that night was months ago, but it never gets any easier wondering if he had taken another direction how would that have played out?

he doesn't dwell on it as he notices various dynamo zipping within the kitchen, having difficulties with making proper food (and god knows komaeda shouldn't assist because he can't cook, but he does knowing that it's edible enough).

his eyes glance at dynamo before opening a pantry door, pulling out a cookbook stashed away. )

Who are you cooking for?

( he doesn't seem expectant for answer, but curious what sorry sap can't fix their own meal. )

Master Add!

[the hologram flickers to life instantly, reflecting the drones' enthusiasm and excitement. their master is back! he's safe! they can finally help him and be useful!!

Komaeda is a friend, so he should be excited too, right? they're going to stare at him expectantly until he expresses excitement.]

( the confirmation makes him pause for a moment, contemplating his next move until he flips through the cookbook. he likes sweets unlike komaeda, and there's a few recipes that they could make as a smile form's on his face. he appears unbothered as he looks up to the ai, nodding. )

Grenore-kun is back, hm? He has to be ours since his life is connected to the tree, because the other would reappear back home around this time too...

( he wishes he had a mango, and some jelly mixture to freeze inside of it which he could cut into triangles and every bite would just be sickingly sweet for add, but that don't have that time. )

How about you leave the cooking to me, and we can bring him a meal together?

( there's nothing to be afraid of, and it's casual and normal for komaeda to offer a smile no matter the circumstances. his throat feels dry, but he's able to do this if anything especially when add was able to do all of that. it's been awhile, the days have passed, and he can speak to add again.

it's crucial when both thought and care is taken into every action, the individual is sensitive more so than komaeda. )

A welcome back meal... that would be nice to talk over, what do you think?

[they beep in confirmation—they would know their Add from any other Add, of course! so it's definitely the right one.

they're also confident they could correct any issues with Komaeda's cooking, so they're perfectly fine with letting him take the lead. they don't give a verbal response besides more beeping, but their actions should say enough—moving aside to give Komaeda room to work, patiently waiting for instructions. if he needs anything from a high shelf or another part of the room, they'll be happy to provide assistance in whatever way they can.

they're sure Master Add will like whatever Komaeda makes for him... provided it's also healthy! because if Add won't care about his own health, Dynamo will have to do it for him. desserts will have to wait until later they will not budge on this.]

Dynamo... he's hiding away isn't he?

( why wouldn't he when his other option would be to boast about all that he's done? there's so many ways he could be praised and yet he doesn't go for it, and the easiest way to frame this is that he believes he's done something wrong. it's add, he's insecure of so much around him and even himself, so if he was fine, then why not make his own food? unless he's holed up in the workshop, but even then... he could grumpily make himself a meal.

komaeda has a bowl of oatmeal to pour into a pot, and then some water right after as he turns it on proper. honey and peanut butter to make it thick, and then basil and tomatoes for color. )

[... a quiet string of beeps, followed by silence. the lack of an immediate response should say enough on its own. they know Add's feelings better than anyone else, and how he feels right now...

is it hiding if he wants someone to find him? maybe it's more like hide and seek. even if you stay hidden, you still want someone to look.]

Master Add is studying what he has missed. [but that's not the whole story, no. they beep again, hesitating] Master Add... is unsure of the correct procedure for "coming back". This is not a situation he is experienced with.

[he's much better at leaving forever]

...

( isn't dynamo his brainchild, does it all not seep into his mind like everything else? studying what he's missed is an alright excuse, but he can tell from the hesitation that this isn't it. )

We should have thrown a party, but even that's overwhelming...

( komaeda would probably hate if he came back to something like that, to be honest he wouldn't want to come back. he's trying to fight that part of him though, he's trying to remain open to a place that he can come back to.

as the oatmeal cooks, he's already grabbing a tomato and cucumber to cut into small circles.

maybe waffles or pancakes on the side too... )

Ah, first time for everything, hm? He can learn how to handle this too. Who has he met since returning?

["dynamo will make sure komaeda doesn't cook anything toxic!!" except Dynamo has no taste buds or mouth so what the fuck do they know about cooking? clearly all of these ingredients are healthy so this is fine, they're just letting this happen.]

Noah Ebalon helped Dynamo get to Master Add. Noah is a good friend. [beep! there was more to the situation than that, of course, but that's as much as they're willing to say for now—Noah is a very good friend. he is a friend.

... yeah, that's it for the list right now. it could maybe become... a two person list? but there's hesitation again, the drones starting to drift out of their formation, distracted, disconcerted

...]

2000-04-11, 10:00 PM. Nagito Komaeda was supposed to meet Master at the clock tower. Master wanted to try "making things right".

[... but no one ever came. and Komaeda never had a chance to explain, but even if he did... can Add be sure it wasn't because his apology was being rejected? did he miss the meeting time before or after the other Add got involved? did that incident change what his answer would've been? and even with all that uncertainty, he still chose to risk everything on saving someone who might not have forgiven him, so why...?

it's a mess. Dynamo waits for an answer to the unspoken question, expressionless.]

I didn't make it to the clocktower.

( he took a detour that allowed him to figure out that the add standing there with tea asking him to drink it wasn't his add at all. it didn't take much effort to figure it out, but he was too nervous, but perhaps they both felt the same at that part in wanting to make something right. it must be embedded into add in general, but that's not a bad thing.

komaeda heaves a sigh as he glances to dynamo. )

I know... I know. Everyone thinks we were idiots at that time, and it led to one thing after the other... what did we gain at the end of it?

( as he ponders his own question, he's steadily fixing the food in the questionable set up that he's envisioned. what was the end goal? was it to save add? or was it to stay? hell, maybe there's more of what they were after, but he had given add what he wanted, and in turn komaeda accepted that conclusion for the other, as for komaeda? there's still something that he needs to finish. )

There's no need to answer that. Only we can acknowledge our desires... let me guess, Add-kun's not thinking about it at all, is he? It hurts wondering whether you did the right thing or not, or if anyone can acknowledge it as the right thing or not... he always worries about the smallest things.

( it's not small, but komaeda wouldn't want him to worry at all. )

( at some point, nene quietly waves down dynamo and gestures for them to come a bit closer. at which point, she lifts up a little box, holding it open for them to inspect- chocolate cookies, frosted and topped sugar crystal sprinkles. )

if add isn't ready for people, i understand but i made these for him

[a gift! for master!!! scanning for nutritional value...

hmm.

... but it's fine, because it's a gift and it's from Nene! this is a reasonable exception to his new and healthier diet. they beep back at her, avatar flickering on. there's a slight pause as they assess Add's current condition through the mental link. communicating...]

... Master will see you now! Please come this way! [and they've already made up their mind so they're just gonna repeat that on loop if she doesn't immediately follow them]

[assuming she does... when they make it to Add's room, he's already standing by the door to let them in, or at least to check that it is them. he's... still not looking great, not really making eye contact either, but he does take a step back if she wants to come in.

there are a lot of things he's still uncertain of right now, people he's not sure how they'll react or what he's supposed to say... but Nene isn't one of them. he's pretty sure he'd have to do worse than a botched rescue attempt to get on her bad side.

he clears his throat awkwardly. he should say something, like—]

Thanks. [for the cookies... yeah. he should at least say thanks for the cookies.] ... you didn't have to. I'm fine.

( oh- nene does follow, admittedly a little surprised! she hadn't expected for dynamo to allow anyone in just yet. ... let alone her, despite everything.

when she sees add, he looks... tired. but not upset at her appearance. which is good. great, even! automatically, she holds out the cookies until he speaks.

at which point she stares for a moment before squeezing one of his hands in hers gently. )

... I wanted to. I missed you, dummy.

[CLOSED] because the last time I let myself feel this way

closed to Noah

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the absolute tonal whiplash of this thread im crying

"nya" (add having a panic attack in the bg)

add finally rolling a 16 in time to be like why the fuck is noah a cat

dwbi he's living his best life

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OPEN to existing CR only pls | 6/13~6/14

kitchen :]

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1/2

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