yogen | (open) bullheaded burn out fled his own pedigree

Entry tags:

kaguya-sama love is war: miyuki shirogan

(open) bullheaded burn out fled his own pedigree

Who: Miyuki Shirogane, You?
What: oh shit it's july. also, continuing his fun adventures with his mind.
When: July 17th, dumbass o'clock.
Where: Courtyard.
Warnings: Shouldn't be any, unless you count his half-awake ramblings.

[ It's 3am, and Miyuki Shirogane is in the courtyard.

With the deafening silence now a thing of the past, he feels like he can actually move around a lot easier late at night. He's finally gotten over the despair disease, and even though something's been pulling at the back of his head as if he had done or said something really stupid, he can't quite recall much of anything.

It just gives him time to ponder, again, about what he's doing.

So much has gone on in the last month, it feels like so much has changed, but he's still here. Still in purgatory...

Near the wisteria tree, he gazes up into the sky. It dawned on him... when was the last time he actually looked at the stars? The last time he was able to gaze at the moon? Those days seemed so far away suddenly, as if years and years had passed. Time was getting away from him...

...oh. When he thinks about it. It's July 17th now. He takes out his PDA, scrolling back to the day he spoke about cleaning... ah.

...

Honestly. What was he doing? ]

un: m.shirogane

I know it's late, but I just realized that Tanabata is typically being celebrated around this time.

I'm not sure how many students here are unaware of the story, but it's always nice to have a reminder. Tanabata comes from the legend of two lovers, a princess named Orihime and and a herder named Hikoboshi. The princess spent all of her time weaving clothes for her father, Tentei. However, once they had fallen in love, Orihime no longer weaved clothes for her father and Hikoboshi no longer kept track of the cows, so they wandered across Heaven.

Tentei was angry enough to separate the two across the Amano River, in hopes that neither of them would ever meet again. Orihime wept, begging her father to allow them to meet. Moved by her tears, he allowed them to meet on the 7th day of the 7th month, provided she worked hard. Unfortunately, they were unable to meet the first year they attempted... it turned out that there was no bridge over the river. Orihime wept, so much that a flock of magpies appeared and promised that on a clear day, if the river doesn't rise, they will come and make a bridge to allow the two to meet again. Since then, the two have come to represent Vega and Altair, and we wish for nice weather so the two can meet their one day per year.

Luckily... I think it was a clear day and night on the 7th.

It's a strange story though, isn't it? A princess and a commoner needing permission from the king of Heaven to meet in the first place. If it was love, then it really wouldn't matter what he said or thought or even did. One day out of an entire year, and it's not even guaranteed. And a bridge made from magpies? Did they even know how hollow the bones of a bird are? I guess I never thought of that until now.

Even if the conditions aren't right, if it relies on a lack of common sense and there's no way to gain a blessing... if Orihime and Hikoboshi shared the same feelings, they'd be together regardless, right?

Anyway. Sorry for the long post. There's still plenty of time to celebrate Tanabata, so we'll have to think of something. If you have any suggestions or want to learn more about Vega and Altair directly, come find me. I'll be here.

And if you want to give your opinion on this story... again, I'll be here.

[ And. Send.

...

And he immediately hangs his head. Seriously. What the hell was he doing?

...no. He knew what he was doing. Didn't he? ]

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I didn't stutter, did I? Or am I going to have to show you that I mean it with actions?

No! I mean--

[ Fuck, that was too quick, too sudden-- ]

I just-- I didn't expect you to just come out and say it!

[ How the hell did she make that look so easy?! ]

Well. I do have more experience.

[ Now she's just acting smug to hide the nerves. ]

[ ...god, right. He chuckles, trying to calm himself down. ]

Yeah. I mean, I've never gotten the will to--

[ Confess. Say what he wants to say. ]

I guess I was so used to the idea of it being a long drawn out thing that, when you said we had so much time, I thought you would be waiting for me.

[ The one who confesses loses, after all. If that was the case, Miyuki was the winner, but...

No. He's not going to stop here. Not yet. ]

...is it alright if I do respond now, Inaba? I want you to hear what I have to say too.

To be honest, I was planning to, originally. I thought that it was selfish of me -- someone who had a boyfriend to be the one to confess. And well, it still... feels that way, in some ways.

But I've thought about it for a long time.

I'm dead, I won't be able to see the others ever again. And even if I... somehow decided on reincarnation [ it's clear that she's hesitant on graduation as a whole with how unsure she sounds ] I wouldn't want to go back to a world with them in it, because... what would that make me?

[ ... ]

Anyway. I've decided to embrace my selfish desires, I guess. Because even if we do have all the time in the world... that doesn't mean that I don't want to try. Pursuing happiness, changing myself. Becoming the 'me' that I used to be, before all of this.

[ Because she backslid hard. And she knows that.

But then he asks that question. She can feel her heart thumping loudly in her chest. She's nervous. She's really nervous-- ]

...Sorry, I rambled a bit. But - yeah. I'll listen.

[ 'Pursuing happiness.' That was the key. Now that it was his turn... he didn't know where to start. It was impossible for him to not have a spiel, especially when he has so much to say, so many of his insecurities bubbling up to the surface.

How it felt unfair that he got to see an Inaba Himeko that had to deal with the worst of what humanity offered, putting up a wall around her due to an environment encouraging turning on each other. That had to deal with so much supernatural bullshit when all she wanted was a normal life with her friends. That considered everyone around her an enemy, and found it impossible to trust anyone else. He had to witness her speak to a friend after a phenomenon that broadcasted their emotions. Heartseed. She'd been through so much.

Yet, despite everything... he's not sure she saw the worst of him. Even when he was bleeding out, pathetically covering up his body and only asking for help once it clear he had no idea what he was doing, it wasn't as bad. It was still the Shirogane Miyuki that had to force himself to work harder than his body allowed, that pushed himself further and further for the sake of others. She didn't get to see the one who legitimately couldn't do anything a normal person could do. The man who struggled to complete tasks that any human being could do easily. If she never saw that... would she ever know the true Shirogane Miyuki?

Not to mention-- hearing her boyfriend's ask of him. To be good friends with her. It felt like he had finally earned the right to call himself her friend, and now, selfishly, he had the audacity to want to see her as more than that? It was so stupid. He felt like he was betraying somebody he'd never even met in the first place. How could he do anything like this? What was more... if this didn't work out, then what? He'd have broken any attempt at earning her trust. At earning the right to be Inaba Himeko's friend. To make sure that she didn't feel lonely anymore.

That was the line of thinking that made him realize that he'd caught feelings. ]

...To be honest with you, I didn't know if I should say anything. I wanted to confirm for myself, whether or not this was something that carried over from last month or something I genuinely felt. You deserve to feel a warmth that's genuine, not something that others came up with. I thought maybe, we'd both come to our senses and there'd be a mutual understanding. That deep down, I couldn't be the confident man who would do anything for the woman he loves, down to murder. You'd see through me, to someone who could barely keep it together when things started to crumble.

[ Words that may as well be written in front of him passed his mind. Words without a voice, that he can't pinpoint-- familiar, soft. "When someone falls in love with a person for some particular reason, people change. Relationships change. No matter what kind of person you want to be - Shirogane Miyuki is still Shirogane Miyuki. Whatever you want to be, whoever you want to act like, that won't change how I see you." ]

Yet, here I was. There was something there that I wanted to chase down, that I wanted to trust in. I can't go back to who I was before, and there's someone that I don't want to be, and more than anything... there's something I was looking for.

Then, I realized. I had only seen you exhausted, or trying to stay strong so that nobody knew how frightened you really were. Any smile put on your face felt forced, like you were just trying to be polite. You were trying your hardest to keep everyone at arm's length, so that you didn't have to feel hurt or betrayed by anyone. Even at your lowest point, you kept your guard up so intensely that I wasn't sure you'd ever consider me as anything but a classmate.

[ He feels like he's rambling. If he keeps going like this, she might think he's nuts, so he'd better get to a conclusion. ]

Anyway-- I wanted to know if anything that I felt about you was something left over from last month, and if it was the same for you. I can't speak on your behalf, but for me... I can't say there's nothing lingering.

[ Like a man, Shirogane Miyuki. ]

[ He had focused so much on the fact that they had kissed-- that when he remembered what happened before and after, remembered the expression on her face when he said something embarrassing, or when he proudly spoke about injuring himself for her sake. More importantly... the brief moments where he feels as if he genuinely, truly, saw her smile.

He focuses his gaze on her, his typically sharp eyes trained on hers, ignoring the pounding feeling in his chest and behind his ears-- ]

The one constant is... if you're pursuing your happiness, I want to be there with you. Nothing would make me happier than to know that you're happy.

No matter who I am... I know that I'll feel happier if you're by my side, and I'll do whatever I can to return the favor.

[ Say it, Shirogane Miyuki. ]

I like you too, Himeko. [ Seal it. ] Please, go out with me.

[ ... It's kind of funny, how similar they are in some ways.

The moment he starts to talk about how she'd see right through him--past the facade that he wore. But she knows all about that sort of thing.

After all -

She was always doing it, back then. She remembers the words that were said, back then, that pushed her forward. How she used to consider herself unlovable trash, someone who wasn't a good person like everyone else was.

How she thought people would only love the person that she acted as. The strong, competent persona that she tried to wear constantly until the cracks showed.

And he's seen them. He's said as much, after all.

But, what about him? What has she seen...?

Enough, she's long since decided. He has a kind heart. One that's willing to push past his limits. He's bothered to try and put in the effort to become her friend, and they've said it to each other, haven't they?

That they can lean on each other, when it's needed. Sure, it was specifically about student council things, but... for her, she honestly wouldn't mind if it were things outside of that, too.

She can feel her cheeks color when he finally says those words. How long has it been since she's heard it...? It feels like it's been way too long. She misses it, those feelings.

Her gaze completely meets his own and she takes a step closer. ]

... Yes. [ Acceptance. ] I will, for... as long as you'll have me.

[ He exhales. It made no sense, how that part was just as nerve-wracking, even though she'd said it first--

But. She accepted... ]

I don't see myself not wanting this any time soon, so...

[ Where'd all that resolve go? His face is finally cooling off a bit, and he takes one step of his own before asking a very, obvious question. ]

When you said, "show you mean it with actions"... can I...?

Huh?

[ And now it's Inaba's turn to get flustered, her face burning bright. ]

Ah, um...

[ Oh no.

She can feel her heart racing, nervous. ]

...y-you can, yeah.

[ --now that he says that--

Why did he even say that?! Like, they're... they're together now, and this wouldn't even be the first time he's done this now, but--

Inaba getting flustered, and him suddenly being super conscious of who she is and how she looks against the night sky--

He does move closer to her, just glancing down at her, and...

... ]

It... It's really okay?

[ this fuckin guy. ]

I said it was okay the first time, so you don't have to ask twice...

[ Fuck.

Did she have to say that so demurely? It's so unlike her. ]

[ ...

Seriously. What was he doing.

This entire time, she was nervous too, so what's he doing freezing up like this? It was hard to imagine, but... well, there's a new, first time for everything. ]

Just wanted to make sure.

[ With a smile, he leans down then, hand light against Inaba's cheek as he pulls her in for a light kiss. It didn't need to be more than that, just the first bit of affection he can show to Inaba. His girlfriend. ]

[ Of course she was nervous. She has been this whole time. After all, this was a step into something new to her--moving on from her past and moving towards the future.

Even if it's uncertain.

Even if they don't know what's going to happen.

She keeps herself still, allowing him to press his lips on her own, briefly. It's nice. It's short, but no less sweet. ]

Yeah, that was... nice.

[ It was. It was reaffirming, more than anything. It felt right.

Getting over his past was no doubt more difficult than he'd like, but taking those steps, taking them with someone else in fact... it's a weight off of his shoulders.

...

And. He realizes one more thing. ]

...so, this makes us square for your birthday, Inaba? [ A brief pause... ] And... I'm okay to find you a better present for this year?

It does. But it isn't fair that you know my birthday but I don't know yours... I'd like to get you something, too.

Oh... oh, right.

[ He actually forgot. Mostly because he wasn't awake for his birthday last year... ]

It's September 9th. I'm a virgo, if that matters.

[ It didn't. ]

... Astrology crap doesn't really matter to me. It's usually a bunch of ridiculous stuff, anyway. Yui was into it because it was cute and romantic, but I've never really cared much for it.

[ She'd look at it every now and again for shits and giggles because she was bored, but other than that -- it didn't really matter much to her. ]

Although I will admit that you'd be hard pressed to get a present in a place like this, though. Honestly. Why couldn't we have been brought into an afterlife that was more than just a school? We're going to have to get creative with our dates.

I see. I mean... I do enjoy stargazing. I wasn't out here just to lead you out here, after all. Astrology though... well. I could take or leave it.

[ No, he'll absolutely take it. He really likes the stars, okay?? But superstitious stuff like that's kinda embarrassing to believe in. Right?? ]

I agree, it's really limiting. Not to mention, anything we could get from the school store might not be... well, good for either of us to have.

That said... I'm willing to take that creativity as a challenge. Sure, a lot of the ideas I had if I ever went on a date are out the window, but it's not like it's impossible to do something good here.

Edited 2022-07-22 17:41 (UTC)

Oh, so you're the person who wants to point out where the meeting point for Orihime and Hikoboshi are.

[ Is she teasing him...? Who knows. ]

I mean, you're right that it isn't impossible to do something that normal couples do. After all, sometimes all couples need is a room and a bed and they're all set.

[ ...okay, now she's teasing him. ]

I mean, I could figure that out--

[ He didn't think she was teasing... until, naturally, she said that. And he sputters. ]

Th-that's a bit too advanced! I mean, technically, nothing needs to happen, but that's still...!

[ gsdglsdafjads??? ]

We don't even have a room or a bed to begin with!

[ Inaba finds herself chuckling, light and mischievous with clear amusement.

Oh, that's a good reaction. She wants to bully him more. ]

You don't remember? There's plenty of free rooms and beds in the dorms.

Free-- it's not like this is a l-l-love hotel or anything!

[ He's getting so easily gotten to like this...! ]

Pfft--ahaha, that reaction, it's too good. I feel immediately better. Easy serotonin.

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1/3 DON'T LOOK AT ME.

2/3 for fucks sake--

done, off to perish

Re: done, off to perish

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