yogen | network, during the family meeting

network, during the family meeting

this is your cute idol, rika-chan, reporting from jail!!
SOMEONE COME BREAK ME OUT
IM BORED AND I MISS BEING FREE
it's been so long since i've seen the sky... or breathed fresh air... please... i'm fading...

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Now, now... it'll be fine, I won't go that far.

( he actually sounds like he means it when he says that, and it's true, he isn't going to go out his way to wingman for them or anything. besides, he only asked if that was the type of girl he was into, it's just komaeda's attempt at parsing a normal conversation is blurred, so it makes things difficult. )

Even if she's not, you should all get along, because if none of you can remain side by side... everything you've done will fall apart. ( that's komaeda saying that noah shouldn't run away or avoid her, rather, take her how she is, because she's not going to change at all. ) If you can get used to her antics, that means you're stronger than you were before.

( okay, why can't he date? not him trying to stay lonely all his life. )

You'll find someone, Ebalon-kun, you just need something tragic to happen in your life.

[He definitely doesn't like making enemies of people, that's for sure. That's never a goal of his, and he agrees that everyone should get along. Who knows how long it'll be until they turn on each other otherwise? It's a scary thought, and definitely not one he wants to have lingering in the back of his mind.

So he nods, because there's really nothing else to be said. Nods and unhides his face and looks at Komaeda with those empty blue eyes of his.]

Something... tragic already happened in my life, so I don't think that's how it works.

[His whole life is the Goddess's little comedy act. A month ago, he was telling himself not to tell Komaeda anything let he be read too deeply, and here he is about to spill the beans to someone he's admittedly weirdly comfortable around nowadays despite their differences. Maybe that's the growth Komaeda's talking about.]

I don't... have time, is the thing, really. That, and getting close to others is... dangerous, I guess.

...

( something tragic already happened? komaeda lives that himself, his entire life is something negative, and then a swing of something positive. it's why he's able to say something so easily without thinking of the consequences — being able to indulge in the bad is exciting for him, because he can't help but become curious on what the good will be. he feels that way for noah as well even though he doesn't know what's happened in his life, but if it was tragic enough, then it's just constant bad luck building up until a positive comes around. )

...

( and then he says something familiar, and komaeda chuckles softly right after. that's why komaeda's the way he is now, even he doesn't let people remain close to him, and he's the one spouting nonsense about hope is only obtainable when they're all together. ) Ebalon-kun, it almost sounds like you're afraid of loss.

( they mentioned this before, komaeda could tell that either the other was unable to save those in need of help, or he's just lost too many to count, and it weighs on him. that's why he won't let others near him, and komaeda isn't the best person to confide in when it comes to something like that. yet, it's not like the other is fully aware outside of how much an oddity he can be. )

You say that, but haven't you already got close to them?

( komaeda looks in his direction, his own sickly, pale eyes staring into empty blue. )

...yeah, I've been told that I am.

[It's not a true acknowledgement. It never is with him, despite the fact that deep down Noah knows that's the case. Everyone he's gotten close to has died in some horrible fashion. He half expects Clamor to kick the bucket at any moment now, not to mention the fact that he's started to make so many friends here, but...

...he was close to Ain, or he thought he was, and now Ain's gone without a trace. He used to talk with Inaba frequently, and he hasn't seen her in several days now. Noah can't help but think this is somehow his fault. He got close to them. They're gone. Sure, it's the tunnel vision of a kid who doesn't know better and can't stop equating causation to correlation, but it's difficult not to do so when everyone he's ever known has either disappeared or dropped dead.

If he wasn't born, would Harque still be alive? It's something he wonders every day. A quiet, festering rot in the back of his brain.]

I guess I have. Everyone I've ever gotten close to has died. Maybe I'm cursed, but it's probably safer for me to be alone.

[Safer. Easier. He wouldn't be such a burden to those he cares for if he'd keep them all at arm's length.]

...Everyone will die. ( that's how it's always been for komaeda, no one has never survived around him, and this is how his life works. pathetic, really. even he knows better to attach to the people here, he knows that nothing good will come from it — expecting him to think any of these people will survive? hilarious. ) That's with... or without you. ( that's what someone sane would say, but this is komaeda who chuckles softly as he watches the other. he's not really helpful, but then he's not really one to not be of assistance. )

If they die because of you... they're meant for your growth. ( and if komaeda could say it himself, he has seen growth from noah despite not knowing who he's lost. the moment they met, and he bet his own life on saving the people around him — that he wouldn't let another death happen. which is true, he helped save the same body within that case. it's almost ironic. ) Each and every death is to prepare you for the future, and it's something you should've understood by now...

( he pauses, leaning against noah so that their shoulders brush together. )

Especially if you weren't able to save them.

( it's a disgusting, but positive outlook that he's exchanging with noah, one that stings, and it's unlikely that anyone would understand from the point of view that komaeda is speaking from. to him, that's how it works, it's because he's so lucky that the people he knew would die around him, and even now, his luck continues to torment him with the people by his side. even noah plays a part in this little trick of fate since komaeda's also interested in him for other reasons. )

Do you know why that is...?

[Finally Noah tears his gaze away, discontented with that explanation. Meant for his growth? Hardly. It's an explanation he'd maybe feel more comfortable with if he were more sadistic, or even someone capable of accepting that death is a natural part of life and growing up how he's been growing up.

But Noah is stubborn, willful, and infinitely dour. Maybe he'll always suffer from a hero complex where at the end of the day, his existence is the cause of every single problem he faces.]

Every death only makes me want to try harder to prevent more of them.

["Prepare him for the future"? What future does Noah even have? After he takes vengeance on those who wronged him, after he saves everyone, what then? His life is empty and meaningless without vengeance in his heart. He's nothing. He'll always be nothing but an empty shell. There's no future for someone like him, and that's something he's... not quite accepted, but is starting to come to terms with.]

Do I know why I wasn't able to save them? [His fist clenches at his side, nails digging into his palm.] ...no. I don't. I— I mean, I know why I couldn't have saved one person, but...

...I think if I had the answer to that question, I'd already have improved myself to prevent it from happening again.

I've told you before, haven't I? ( as he speaks, his words come out slow, and his voice as breathy as ever while beginning to get his thoughts in order. even if the other looks away from him, komaeda stares at the wall across from them both like he's searching for an answer. he doesn't need to when he already knows, but this is to give noah time to prepare. ) Every person you've lost, every person you will lose... they're just a stepping stone towards your greatness.

( it's fact to him, there's nothing else it could be. as much as he wants to properly console noah, he's unable, that's because of komaeda's own background that his mind doesn't add things together as he should. he should feel bad for saying lives are used to make someone stronger, but he doesn't feel a thing. his empathy on the matter has always lacked, and that's why he can't understand anyone's feelings, including his own. though, he's been told to be able to understand others better than themselves. )

They feed the soil you walk across... allowing that never-ending road of hope to guide you down a specific path. That's my purpose too... to enable your endeavors so you can shine bright with everyone else...

( he leans forward, holding up a hand as he extends his pointer finger at noah, making sure he knows that komaeda is directing these words at him, and only him. ) As long as your hope doesn't waver, and you don't give up... you'll be able to overcome every death you come across. ( it sounds sad, the fact that lives are just literally feed to everyone's lives, that they're nothing more but pebbles casually thrown into the water to be long forgotten about. )

...And if there's lives at risk, your past experiences will only breed a stronger hope! Your will to save everyone else around you...!

( he pauses, laughing softly, and it's easy to tell he's amused. even after, he sighs in understanding of his own explanation. )

That's why you care about them as well... ( the newfound companions he made, the fact he can give so many emotions to people he's never met in his life until this school. ) You'd kill to protect them... and if that excels your hope along with theirs, then there's nothing wrong with that.

[To anyone else, Noah wouldn't nod and go along with "killing to protect" just because in the classroom not too far down the hall, everyone's probably talking about the murders presently. To say that he'd kill to protect would implicate him somehow, and if others suddenly start to suspect him of something, he's not sure how he'd defend himself. He's already likely known as a punchy kid, someone with the power to kill; why would he risk confirming people's beliefs about him in such a bad situation?

But to Komaeda, who sees past all of that, all he can manage is a nod. They can go back and forth on their understanding of one another ad infinitum, but Komaeda is the weird hopeful nihilist to his hopeless idealist. That's a point they can connect on, somehow — sometimes Noah needs the reminder that not everything can be sunshine and rainbows even though he wishes it would be.

Maybe Noah's just paranoid. Maybe they're all weird here, maybe he's not the only one that would absolutely shank someone to ensure the safety of another. Maybe they're all guilty at the end of the day.]

Yeah, I... I guess. It's just the... "overcoming" their deaths that's difficult.

[Who's going to honour their memories if he doesn't?]

The stronger I get, the more people I can protect. That's why... that's why I can't give up. There are people depending on me.

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network, during the family meeting

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