Hinata Hajime (日向創) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
futurebullets) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
yogen2021-06-05 09:21 pm
futurebullets) wrote in yogen2021-06-05 09:21 pm
[semi-open] second truth bullet: hinata's memory
Who: Hajime Hinata and YOU
What: A catch-all log for Hinata throughout the month! Closed things will added by request, open things for stuff outside of event top-levels
Where: Various
When: Mostly June, at least one or two things backdated to late May
Warnings: SPOILERS for chapter 4 of Super Dangan Ronpa 2, after the Final Dead Room Discussion
Notes: Hinata will be undergoing a canon update that will have taken place on the 4th! He will be approaching things considerably more depressed and/or apathetic after this takes place, so you're welcome to tag him between the 1st and 3rd if you'd rather have normal Hinata! However, the threads that take place after the canon update are very important. It's something I've detailed more on plurk, but essentially there's something of a "game" that I have going. Hinata now has a "trust" level that's been reset to 0 - if his points are positive enough, he will be updated to either chapter 5 or the end of the game, and if his points fall too far, he will be "reverted" to one of two earlier canon points (chapter 1 or pre-game) and lose all of his Yogen memories. Close CR has more weight at first, but anyone has the power to affect him, so feel free to take a shot at raising or lowering those points!
If you have any questions or would like to plot things, feel free to reach me at![[plurk.com profile]](https://plurk.com/favicon.ico)
Yamadori! (You're also welcome to write starters for me as well, just give me a heads up first!)
What: A catch-all log for Hinata throughout the month! Closed things will added by request, open things for stuff outside of event top-levels
Where: Various
When: Mostly June, at least one or two things backdated to late May
Warnings: SPOILERS for chapter 4 of Super Dangan Ronpa 2, after the Final Dead Room Discussion
Notes: Hinata will be undergoing a canon update that will have taken place on the 4th! He will be approaching things considerably more depressed and/or apathetic after this takes place, so you're welcome to tag him between the 1st and 3rd if you'd rather have normal Hinata! However, the threads that take place after the canon update are very important. It's something I've detailed more on plurk, but essentially there's something of a "game" that I have going. Hinata now has a "trust" level that's been reset to 0 - if his points are positive enough, he will be updated to either chapter 5 or the end of the game, and if his points fall too far, he will be "reverted" to one of two earlier canon points (chapter 1 or pre-game) and lose all of his Yogen memories. Close CR has more weight at first, but anyone has the power to affect him, so feel free to take a shot at raising or lowering those points!
If you have any questions or would like to plot things, feel free to reach me at
no subject
There's enough blame to go around for both of us, isn't there?
[His gaze sharpens, ever so slightly.]
I wonder, who do you think is more at fault, Komaeda? The lying Ultimate Luck that weaved pretty words together? Or the worthless Reserve Course student who couldn't open his ears?
[His voice starts to tremble at the very end, fingers digging in just a little bit harder.]
no subject
( another rhetorical question, this time stupider than the last — calling him a liar, tarnishing his name in the sane tone as speaking "reserve course," even thinking there's something comparable between the two. there's nothing in what hinata says that makes sense, there's too much of a gap between everything he knows that causes himself some distance from this — though, the pain that comes from hinata digging his fingers deeper, and deeper is welcomed. his fingers curl against the surface of the floor, nails scratching as the brunette continues — )
When did I ever lie...
( if this is matters about his reserve course, then, komaeda has called him talentless without batting an eye. has he forgotten, or was he too wrapped up in his own idea of saving komaeda that he wasn't listening? whose fault is this, actually. )
You're distraught over the wrong things, listening to what I say... That was your choice, not mine.
( the words that caught him off guard, the words he believed that were lies, did komaeda ever tell hinata to humor him — he had plenty of chances to ignore him. it didn't seem to bother him before, it's in his character to act playfully despite hinata's spiny personality, it's to help him live a little. sure, as the ultimate luck, he has his reservations about the people below him, but despite the disgusting make-up of his body now doesn't mean he won't become what he truly is, right? he just has to wait it out, but it does appear to see komaeda is a little disappointed from this interaction. )
no subject
And he won't even own up to it in the end.
That's alright.]
Still shirking it off on me, huh? I should have expected as much.
[It's alright, because he'll make him see it.]
I'll make it clear to you, then.
[I'll force the truth before your eyes... until you can't look away, Komaeda!]
Telling me you're thinking about me. Those soft smiles you'd wear around me sometimes. The way you'd hold onto me like you don't want to let go. And the way you talked, as if I meant anything to you... All of that paints a picture of someone who cares, even just a little bit.
[They're things that would make Hinata blush to say out loud, if it were any other day. If he hadn't woken up like the world was ending.]
And yet, I remember the Final Dead Room now.
[He shouldn't need to elaborate on it anymore than that. Being talked down to, looked at like he's less than nothing, the gaze and words that cut through him like he doesn't deserve to even be alive.]
So tell me, Komaeda, which one is real? Are you going to tell me I'm having another hallucination on the floor? What's really the truth?
[Tell me it isn't real, he begs in his mind, the last fragile beats of his bleeding heart, that what he saw in his head wasn't enough to kill off.
His Komaeda doesn't lie.
Tell me you care.
Tell me I have a talent.
Tell me I'm worth something to you.]
no subject
( komaeda has always cared about the hope inside of him, it's true, even after the reveal of learning he was nothing but a dirty reserve course, komaeda still cared. all throughout his downfall, his mind crumbling from the fact all the ultimates were entities of despair, he wanted to kill them all. it was a feeling that rested deep in his heart, if he was able to get rid of them, then the world will thank him — they'd respect him. as for the reserve course, he hardly cared what became of him, maybe that's why at the time he believed that hinata couldn't have played a part in the traitor or being despair, what can someone normal do. those were komaeda's feelings a long time ago, well, what he tries to tell himself — but as long as he's been here, that feeling was nothing more than two months prior. it's still recent, but he doesn't think much of it now until hinata brings it up with such anger, such irritation that... )
I'm thinking about you now.
( it comes out straight-forward despite being tired, the difference between his mind and his heart says various things — komaeda's too affixed on hope, hinata doesn't know, but that's what he'll be in the long run if things go correctly... komaeda guesses. that's why komaeda's capable of loving him despite hating what he is now — it's not that he hates the reserve course, it was just that having his views forcibly taken away from him by tampering with his memories irritated him more than anything. he knows now, he's aware, having accepted his feelings for hinata, having accepted that he found some sort of affection that he could give him despite him being (reserve course) what he hardly thinks about. )
I'm thinking about... how you need to grow up.
( again, a statement that he's given hinata before, he's too young to understand how much influence he has, and once he grows up — all his worries will go away. he'll understand what he's capable of, he'll see that he means a lot to them and others, and while komaeda could tell him everything right here, and right now. how the other saved him, how he's the same person as kamukura izuru, that in the end he is ultimate hope, someone who harbors every talent — it seems to easy. handing it off to him like that, and to become the person that he did, he has to work for it. )
Right now you're talentless, you're acting like a worthless human being — grow up.
( he got through everything after komaeda said what he said, right? that's why he became the person he showed affection for... right? pain, suffering, that sort of despair will sink into his veins, that's until hinata manages to pluck them out from beneath his skin with his own efforts. because he did it before, he can do it again. he won't let his hope falter over something like this, remembering, but ignoring what's already been given that he made before. )
no subject
Or at least... the wrong way to say it.
I'm so stupid.
Hinata's feels the exact moment in time that his heart freezes over. The tiles that place around it, walls building up so that he can be hurt no longer.
Thinking that wasn't the truth... Entertaining the thought he could ever care... I'm so stupid.]
Fuck you.
[It's quiet, delivered flatly and icily. Finally, Hinata releases Komaeda's shoulder as he sits back, fingers trailing along his arm after releasing the hold as if there could possibly still be something buried deep down that doesn't want to let him go.]
I see now... how mistaken I was, thinking that you ever cared about me. [He lifts his head again, and Hinata's eyes are venom.] So sorry, Main Course-san, for being such an inconvenience to you with my worthless feelings.
[The -san is a slap as much as any of the other words are. Komaeda knows he doesn't use honorifics.]
I'll make sure to stay out of your way, so you can find a nice, grown up person full of talent to waste your Goddamn time on.
[His head is so clouded with pain, Hinata can't see the clue that could unravel everything. Once again, as always with Komaeda, missing the one hint that would make everything make sense.
He cannot get through this after what Komaeda's said. Not this time. Not after what was shown to him, and what he showed in return.
The person Komaeda Nagito is seeking cannot appear like this.]
no subject
( the faint brush of hinata's fingers sends a shiver down his spine from the still healing wound in his right arm, and he welcomes it because who is komaeda if not a glutton for pain. what's unfamiliar is the way he's straddled by him, confined by his legs that's probably to prevent him from getting up — is this how he wants to search for answers? to be as close as possible? it was a mistake on his behalf, thinking that this would do anything for them, anything for him — it just hurts hinata more, and he probably doesn't understand that.
he wouldn't say his feelings are worthless, there's a lot komaeda wouldn't say, but it's hinata who chooses to fester in his own negative emotions. it'll help him, he knows, this is nothing more than a stepping stone to pull himself together. while komaeda knows the half truth, not the whole of how hinata became who he was then, he knows enough to wipe away his worries, to calm him down. he could admit that he has a talent, he could admit that he cares about him, he could admit a lot, but that's not komaeda's role — he's held his hand by not making hinata commit to him.
things like he won't let komaeda die, things like wanting komaeda by his side... komaeda never agreed to any of it, it was probably the right choice seeing that hinata is throwing everything away over lacking talent at the moment. wouldn't it be too easy to tell him everything, things he should find out himself? unlike nanami, nothing is stopping him, telling hinata the truth as he sees it, things like how in a world that lacked hope, and talent wasn't everything... how hinata didn't exist, because he has both those things. yet, it's a disgusting thought that makes him shudder, and it's not a conversation he wants to have. )
The way you think, how you're acting... it's all misplaced, and it's annoying me. You'll annoy everyone else too by being reckless, Hinata-kun.
no subject
[Hinata feels a wave of utter exhaustion roll over him as he finally gets off of Komaeda, sitting on the floor because he's too weary to stand just yet, even though he'd love to just leave right away. The boy that was more well-rested than he'd ever been in his life feels miles and miles away. There's nothing but quiet anger and pain left in him, too battered to put up much of a fight now.]
It's fine, though. [Nothing will ever be fine again.] There's not a single person here who needs me... not you or anybody else. So all I have to do is make myself scarce, and nobody will have to deal with me being so "annoying".
[He aches at the thought of it, of being alone when he's finally made so many friends here and even back on Jabberwock. But ultimately, it's better - if he avoids everyone, he won't have to tell anyone what he really is, and nobody will be able to hurt him like Komaeda.]
no subject
( he questions this with a smile, waiting for hinata to remove himself off komaeda, and once he does will he shift to sit on his legs instead. they feel numb from laying on the floor, and that's because he's more of a person who moves through the crawlspaces. he yawns, using his prosthetic to reach across the width of his shoulders, and his organic arm points to the sky as komaeda goes to pop his back — the front of his shirt lifting a bit, the bottom half of his stomach exposed, and the dip of his pelvis bones visible, you made me come back here and change it. i think komaeda cute. )
Letting me be the reason why you hide away from everyone... you really are weak now, and a pushover.
( another yawn leaves from his mouth, and in the corner of his eye does a tear bead up, but nothing like the ones hinata shed atop of komaeda. instead, these are tired, finally waking himself up from his sleep, and in the sun that shimmer like fragments within the sand, and that's until it too strolls down komaeda's pale cheek. )
It's a shame... I thought you were better than what you're showing me... but it's excuse after excuse, isn't it? ( and once he's finished popping his back, he properly sits so that his shirt falls back into place. he reaches out with his prosthetic hand, cupping the brunette's cheek, and uses his thumb to wipe away the tear stains. ) When you're like this, you really are insufferable.
no subject
A sob explodes out of him before Hinata can bite it back, fresh tears rolling over metal fingers. It feels like he's been punched in the chest. He almost, almost wishes Komaeda had just kept saying terrible things instead of this.
It might've hurt less.
How am I supposed to forget anything... how am I supposed to hate you... if you touch me like that-!]
I'm... not even on top of you anymore, you know... If you hate it so much, the door's right there! Nobody's forcing you to stay!
[Hinata shouldn't have stayed.
He couldn't help it, couldn't help it the same way he's had to scream into his pillow before, not with Komaeda right there- not with the memory of him curled into his back and Hinata curled into him when he woke up, overlaid with the image of Komaeda looking at him like less than dirt.
But he should've left, rather than listen to all these things that tear his heart into even more shreds. Left and ran, to the clocktower staircase or literally anywhere else that has no one around, so he could have the privacy to bawl his eyes out like he hasn't since he was very small.]
I... I get it already, okay? What you think of me... You don't have to keep making it worse, so why-
[Why are you touching me like that, even now?]
no subject
he barely got to indulge in that feeling at the time of being with someone like him, but the way those eyes looked at him then compared to how they look at him now. he thinks the last time he saw these same pair of eyes look at him with warmth and lack of judgement might have been a long time ago — when they were friends on the beach before any of the murders, then after, komaeda's own downfall split them in two. he doesn't regret it, every difficulty is just a push in an ultimate's growth — that's what he thought at the time. right now is the same, these tears being shed, those unfortunate sobs that are heard between them, he doesn't think he's ever seen hinata so... distraught. maybe over little things because he's way too passionate where komaeda goes with the flow and enjoy himself, but he must be hurting.
even though hinata's hurting from the truth or komaeda's touch, he keeps his hand there as he continues to watch him, almost like he's experiment, and then he laughs. not because he finds this hilarious, but because he doesn't know what to think or how to react — why are you crying? )
...
( he's silent as he withdraws his hand, and he looks at the tips of his fingers of what tears fell upon the prosthetic. komaeda can't feel it anymore — those tears, his warmth, with this hand... nothing is the same, it's just a piece that allows him movement and assistance. even when he brushes his fingers together, gliding across one another, and because of his lack of nerves... nothing registers to them. this is supposed to be sentimental, right? yet, it just feels like something he too can cast away without being attached, and maybe that's why he's able to smile after. he knows that he can leave, but there's something that settles in his mind: "is talking about that and running away... all you know how to do anymore ...?" if he left right now, would that be considered running away, he's already been through this once, and now here it is... before him twice. yet, he never really dealt with hinata properly during then... did he?
splitting from the group, leaving to solve their problems because he was disgusted with a reserve course and the despair units he was surrounded around. he left out of his own frustration, but when he's grown, learned, and understands his place not as an ultimate, but a remnant of despair — does hinata know how better it might have been if he was no one at all, if he was just literally some guy, then he wouldn't be in the situation that he's going to be in. sadly, komaeda can never think that way as talent and hope is the end all be all to him. )
You must've forgotten... but this isn't the first time.
( especially when hinata's memories never add up correctly in a new place, he tends to forget the important bits, but he didn't think his memory was that bad. compared to komaeda's, his should be godlike, but here they are, staring one another in the eye though one is filled with pure sadness. why doesn't it hurt komaeda to see him this way, or is he numb to this when he knows the truth, one that he won't admit, but he does sigh like he's had enough. he should have known pushing past those boundaries, trying to be something was a mistake, at least he was smart enough not to accept those red flags hinata showed him over and over again.
being by his side.
being with him.
trusting him.
mistakes, all of it.
but this isn't about komaeda, this is about hinata now, and maybe once he understands that this isn't his end... will he be able to pull himself together. seeing how this is stopping him, how he prevents himself from having anything else because he's unable to have talent or is it... komaeda? well, the first is valid, as for the second, it shouldn't exist. )
It's like Nanami-san said... your existence is special. ( the person stopping themselves for understanding the meaning behind that is hinata hajime, after all. as always. ) You'll understand without me, you've done it before, too.
( getting to his feet, his hands slip into his pocket, shuffling about in thought as he watches the other closely to see his reaction, and he's already aware he can't stay here. there's nothing he can do to lessen the pain, but there's nothing he wants to do to fix that because this is a problem he can only do himself. komaeda has been encouraging enough, he's did everything to push the hope of people here, including hinata's. komaeda's fingers brush against the little trinkets in his pocket, humming softly as he looks off to the side. it's only for a few moments, but he then proceeds to dust himself off before fixing his jacket right after... it's still a mess... komaeda's still a messy dresser without even trying to be so. he lifts a hand, waving it towards hajime with a smile that's far too practiced, and it's the best one he can give to act as if this conversation was a nice one to have. )
...I'll see my way out.
( he hadn't noticed, but his hope's peak ring had slipped out from his pocket, falling to the ground. this was when komaeda was grooming himself, so the item had rolled onto the ground, and then settled right under hinata's leg possibly during their conversation which could have gone amiss to hinata as well.
oh well, as he sees no reason to stay, he turns his back to the youth as he walks towards the door, and once he stops at the threshold. )
Reality is... such an unforgiving nightmare, but as long as we have hope guiding us, it doesn't matter. Remember to keep walking, Hinata-kun. Goodbye.
( and he's GONE! )
no subject
How am I supposed to understand... How am I supposed to keep walking...
[One more tear makes a slow trek down the side of his face.]
...if you're not there?
[He wishes he could hate Komaeda Nagito.
He's silent but listless in that time, unaware of the door opening and closing as he stares at nothing, but it isn't long after that Hinata starts to move, starts sit up because God if he stays in this room any longer he really will lose his mind-
His hand presses against something hard on the ground, small and circular.]
...Huh?
[His palm lifts away... and there's a certain ring winking up at him.
The ring he gave Komaeda, again, back where it had belonged.
Hinata's brain screeches to a halt.
"If it's so despairing, then face it head on!"
He cannot face this.
"If I don't have hope, then tell me about it as you always have!"
The person that should be telling him... can do that no longer.
"If I don't understand, try to reach me until the very end!"
No one there to help him figure any of this out. No one there to reach out their hand.
"If I want to die, then give me a reason to live!"
But what should he do... if that sunny brightness in his chest, that precious feeling he wanted to live with forever, has been doused?
There's nothing else left to do... but Break.
Hinata bends nearly in half and wails, loud enough to be heard out in the halls.]