yogen | ( closed-ish ) ad astera per aspera

( he knows. he knows, but he's saying it anyway, because it's still important for him to know the stakes.

and maybe this is him assuming things of people again, like nanami had scolded him about at the meeting, but natsume has always overthought things, has always jumped the gun, has always gotten too wrapped up in his own self to see the forest for the trees. it isn't something that's easy to break out of — it's almost second-nature, given the nature of his still daily work of reading people and picking at how they work.

natsume glances sideways at him. )

Then figure out how to incapacitate THEM, but your will to live has to be stronger than their will to take you OUT.

[subaru's quiet, because he needs to absorb it, and– he's been trying to get better about not just brushing serious things off? but it still feels weird, to think about that sort of thing and what he might have to do if someone tries anything on him, or on natsume because the thought comes to him and he knows he wouldn't let natsume get hurt, no more than he'd let anyone in trickstar or any of his other friends get hurt, but they're not here so–

so it's just natsume to worry about, right now. that's manageable, since natsume doesn't really like to get into trouble anyway.]

... 'Kay. I can do that. [... ... ...] Anything else I need to know?

( all he has to do is say it.

he didn't have that much trouble confessing it to shuichi and the circumstances behind them, did he? ...no, he did: he just knew he had to explain himself. explain the gun. he'd had difficulty at the meeting too, all eyes on him, hot on the tail of the reveal of komaeda murdering the old student council president. natsume purses his lips, and he knows he's been too quiet for too long. )

You're going to hear about this at some POINT, especially with the number of people I hurt and angered with my acTIONS. ( steady, steady, but he isn't looking at subaru. he looks at the floor, at the piano, anywhere but him. ) There are certain items in this school that house spiRITS, so I'd be careful with anything you find that might have initials or something indicating they belong to someone ELSE. If you don't handle them correctLY, and they break or the seal on them is otherwise comproMISED, the spirit will esCAPE.

When that hapPENS... ( easy, easy. ) Depending on the nature of the SEAL, or maybe the type of spirit it WAS, you might find yourself possessed and no longer in possession of your own acTIONS. You only feel fear — you only feel as if everyone around you is out to get YOU. ( natsume pauses, pressing his lips together, and then says: ) This is what happened to ME.

Last month ( he continues, voice level but not in an okay way, more in a "i have to say this without betraying weakness" way, ) I killed four peoPLE. Three of them were because of that — possesSION. One of those people was Sena-senpai.

[... possession?

that sort of stuff only happens in movies.

subaru stares at natsume, trying to put his friend to the same level as any criminal on the bigger news, and he

can't

really, he can't, because natsume strives towards the happiness of others, and even if he might do it in a roundabout way, or in a way that'd make people assume he's up to no good, natsume– natsume would never kill someone, even if he'd threaten them that way in a second.

but there's no reason for natsume to lie to him. just like before, just like with this whole conversation, there's no reason. if natsume lost control of himself, if says he got possessed, then he did. simple as that. subaru feels more struck that sena-senpai'd been a victim than anything else, but the sentence rubs at him weirdly.

three of them were because of possession, so–

what was the fourth's reason?]

[natsume doesn't really get a choice in the matter, subaru moving closer and bumping their shoulders together. physicality is how he emotes. he needs to feel natsume, because honestly his head's kind of swimming and he needs the support in a very casual way so he doesn't drown in all this extra emotional baggage he's taking from natsume.]

... What about the last one?

Chiaki Kudo was in love with Sena-senpai, and when she realized he was well and truly DEAD, she had as emotional of a reaction as you might have GUESSED. The fact people were simply carving at him with no one inhibiting them didn't HELP.

( look, he's being nice and not even naming names, even though he should. but he knows subaru, and he doesn't want subaru to... to get unnecessarily poisoned with hate. he'll let him bump their shoulders; he leans a little bit back, in that instance, but he squeezes his arms as if to hug himself. )

I had reason to believe that if she discovered it was me — and with the group we HAVE, I wouldn't have put it past them to either tell her to test our hopes or just because they're a complete and total assHOLE. ( or they're mad and don't believe him about possession. izumi and rika were close, weren't they? ) Rather than waiting around to find out if that were TRUE, I... thought it would be better to take the initiaTIVE.

( natsume stares across the room. this still isn't easy; he wonders if it ever gets easier. he kind of hopes it doesn't. )

I killed HER. It, and my reasons for doing SO, weren't very popular... to put it lightLY. ( a lot of it was probably reactionary; a lot of it is still probably hurt, though. like subaru thinks, natsume isn't the type of person who seems like he would murder anyone. hurt anyone. that's the image he's cultivated here, because it's how he tries to be, but when he thinks about dying, about not seeing his way out of this school, he... ) You can think less of me if you want — you wouldn't be the first — but I thought I should be the one to tell YOU.

( instead of someone else. anyone else. )

It wasn't right of ME, and I recognize THAT. I've been scolded for assuming people's feelings recentLY, though I'm not usually one to misjudge characTER. ( but— but people here don't know that; they don't really know anything about him, even though they're on friendly enough terms, or could be considered friends.

they don't know anything about one another, not really. natsume's the worst about it. how much has he actually told anyone, when people have told him plenty? his confession at the meeting is probably the most he's spoken to any of them about anything.

natsume closes his eyes. ) I didn't like killing HER, but if I had to do it aGAIN, then I WOULD. Even if it's putting me and everyone else who liked me for even a second through all of this aGAIN, I would still do IT. I don't want to trample on other people's happinesses just to ensure my OWN, but I don't want to give my life up eiTHER.

Edited 2021-07-03 04:55 (UTC)

... Mm.

[that's all he gets at first, subaru fiddling with his hands as he processes it, as he makes himself think through it because it's natsume, who's been his friend since first year. his first friend, and the person who led him to the happiness he has now.

like, how is he supposed to feel?

he doesn't know. he really, really doesn't know, so–

well, his brain decides for him and tucks it away, pushes it aside like he does everything else, to deal with some other time. or not at all. his feelings, that is, because the reality it's still hanging in the air, waiting for an answer, and subaru takes in a breath.]

I don't think less of you, Natsume. 'Cause you were scared, and you're just human, too. It wasn't right, but... But you didn't do it because you wanted to, or because you thought it'd be fun, or anything like that. So it's okay.

[well. not "okay". but subaru's always struggled with heavy stuff, so he hopes. it gets across.]

... But don't do it again, okay? Even if you feel that way a second time, Natsume, you should tell someone how you feel. There's gotta be at least one person you trust here, right? I mean, besides me. So tell them. Tell me, if it happens again. You don't have to deal with stuff like that on your own.

[...]

Um. Thanks for telling me though? Even though it's 'cause someone else would anyway, I'm glad I heard it from you.

( "there's gotta be at least one person you trust here, right? i mean, besides me."

he doesn't know how to feel when the first person who comes to mind is shuichi. he doesn't know how to feel, again, when clamor and lucifer follow after, thoughts much more tentative than his initial one. natsume slowly opens his eyes and glances at subaru, judging if he's lying — he isn't, and he knows this because subaru wears his heart on his sleeve, doesn't let a single emotion not pass his face by. it's his best and worst quality. )

...I'll think about IT, ( which is probably as close to "i will" as subaru can get, considering it's natsume. ) Don't thank me for this THOUGH. I'm aware it's a lot to take in on your first DAY.

( ... )

All of this IS.

( not just the uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh murder thing. )

[HAHA.................... ANYWAY.

time to rubber band back!]

Yup, it'll probably sort itself out! So so, tell me about the people here! What's talking that shouldn't be talking, huh? Are the clubs any good? Can we go to karaoke? Got anyone you liiiiike?

( oh thank god )

We have a talking DOG, the clubs are FINE, we can't leave the campus GROUNDS, and I'm not telling if I do or DON'T.

Edited 2021-07-03 05:28 (UTC)

[he's a master at ignoring negativity he's got your back]

What, that sucks! The campus part, not the talking dog, that's awesome. And c'mon, if you didn't you'd just say straight out, so you do have someone you like! What're they like? Are they cute? Point 'em out to me if you can~☆

It was nice talking to YOU, Baru-kun. Do your best to survive, oKAY?

( bye, )

[OHHH NO he's grabbing natsume.]

Naaatsume~ I wanna know who you're friends with so I can be friends with 'em too~! If you don't tell me now, I'll just find out myself! And you won't like that as much, I promise~. ☆

( after that confession, does he think he still has friends?

natsume wiggles his arm away, but he isn't leaving. )

...There's a pair of twins here I enjoy the company of — Maya and Hiro Arisu. I wouldn't cross either of them if I were YOU, so be on your best behaVIOR. Hiro-kun is easier to get along WITH, so I'd start there if you're interested in making FRIENDS.

( sorry hiro )

Maya-chan is more difficult — business-minDED, but she's a very kind perSON. Don't tell her I said THAT, because I'm not interested in having her foot on mine aGAIN.

Oh, so she's like you!

[immediate. that means they'll get along just fine.]

Hiro and Maya, huh..? Got it! I'll keep an eye out for them~. Anyone else?

[please tell him you have more than two friends]

( uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh )

...I hurt a lot of peoPLE, Baru-kun. ( firmer. ) But if you take a library book out and don't return IT, you'll meet the ghost of a young girl who will try to take your fingernail as payMENT. You can also perform a séanCE, but I doubt you know how to do one properLY. Her name is Haruka, and she is absolutely adoraBLE.

... Does she collect them?

[of course natsume would befriend a fingernail taking ghost girl]

I don't know what she does with THEM.

( ??????? maybe she does. )

[of course he would]

Huh. [...] Well, thanks for that. I'm really happy to know you've got friends here, you know~. Even if you hurt a lot of people, there's still names you can give me.

[let him... hug you...☆]

Besides! [let him...] I'm sure they'll be able to talk to you again, someday! [hug...] You're a good person, Natsume, and even good people make mistakes!

( don't... touch... him ☆ )

I don't need a HUG, so don't touch ME. ( :/ !!!!!!! ) You'll meet the rest of them in due time anyWAY. Those three are the ones who aren't as quick to seek people OUT.

( oooooooor in haruka's case she's a ghost so even if she were around they can't see her. haruka if you're out there....... )

...Just watch yourself around Komaeda-san. He's wrong in the HEAD, and I don't say that lightLY.

[tfw ur having a battle of hangman wits with komaeda not two days later]

'Kaaaay. Can I make one more request, Natsume?

( .............sighs. )

Depends on what it IS.

Tour! Tour! Tour!

[show him around!!!]

( ..... )

Don't act too buddy-buddy with ME.

( but

okay. they'll take a tour in what time they have left for break and then he'll dump subaru back at his classroom, there we go. )

( closed-ish ) ad astera per aspera

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