yogen | rainbows

( okay, so, he missed yesterday.

the meeting was a lot, there was a lot to process, komaeda was a lot to process too. honestly, it's a lot to come to terms with in under a day, hard for him to justify continuing these visits considering the knowledge he has now, but...

it's also hard to think of abandoning him completely.

while it's true that komaeda can be terrible, that he says awful things, that he acts like he has no consideration at all for how he might affect other people — if it's the conclusion saihara reached, it's probably also true that he murdered another student in this school. at the same time, it feels like something is missing; the warnings, the way he seemed to make an effort even while he kept others at a distance, the desperation in his eyes at that time. it's not that amami condones it, what komaeda did, but...

he thinks about natsume. he thinks about his own killing game, and about kaede, and about the clue to end it.

he missed yesterday, but on the 29th, he's back. this time, as a couple of times before, he's brought something to eat. a bottle of orange juice and a granola bar from the vending machine, a toasted sandwich from the home ec room — he sets them on the ground between the two of them as he sits down next to komaeda, looking to he other expectantly, pointing to the pile of books that's already accumulated as if to ask, "may i?" )

( the meeting was unfortunate, annoying, and left a bad taste in komaeda's mouth due to what happened, and he's still handling the bitter tang on his tongue. he thinks about how the get together started, what caused it to go up in flames, and the damages that some people took, things he can't deny are his fault. so it festers, it's one thing after the other that makes his thoughts fester into realizing how much his luck has been acting strange until —

he can feel an ultimate come closer to him, and komaeda doesn't have to guess who it is, so it doesn't take him long until someone sets down a few offerings, and then sits down themselves. he looks at the variety to the drink, the granola, and then the sandwich. it happens every time now when amami visits, and komaeda always thinks the same thing that he doesn't deserve it, nor should he have his company.

he watches where his finger points, and he's hesitant for a moment, brow raise as he looks at the other yet again. he can't rally tell an ultimate what to do and what not to do, but he does wonder why amami is here... last time when they were all together, he was in rika's company, and he even looks around to see if she's going to appear. maybe they do need pen and paper. )

( hmm, not what he was going for. amami points at the books, and komaeda looks around like he doesn't know where he is? he's not quite sure what to do with that, and looks a little sheepish about the fact.

he's gonna take one book off the pile anyway, before leaning back to take his own notebook back out again. he knows he's going to the library daily now, and he knows they can't talk there, and even if komaeda doesn't really speak back to him, it's probably best to have some kind of communication going between them. so he scribbles on the bottom of the last page he'd used, on the visit before this one, and offers it over to komaeda. )

you don't mind if i borrow this one, do you?

( he reads what's written, and komaeda glances at the book in his hand — that one's fine, he can read it if he wants. who is komaeda to take something from an ultimate when they request to have it. he waits a few seconds before reaching out for the pen in amami's hand, and once he has it will he respond back in kind. )

...is kawaii-san not with you?

( he ignores the question because amami should know better than anyone else, komaeda folds when it comes to ultimates. it doesn't matter who it is, he's too adjusted to their wants, despite doing what he wants because he can. they're just books: some crime mysteries, others geography books that he's halfway gotten though, and within all the books amami will see there's a bookmark here, and a bookmark there. it shows that during komaeda's time here that he hasn't been able to focus properly on one, but at least he's been keeping himself busy.

the book amami's chosen has a bookmark on the fifteenth page, he could flip to that if he wants. )

( okay, well, we can say that amami will read it, but i'm sure not downloading it just for that purpose.

anyway, the books and marks are noted mentally, though really, amami's attention is primarily focused on komaeda. the pen is offered when komaeda reaches for it, though he'll look at little sheepish at the contents of the note komaeda's written for him. )

not right now

( he's pretty overbearing, it's true, but so long as he's back by her side by nightfall, he's a little bit less worried about it. )

should i pass on a message for you?

( they were short, murder riddles or something which i thought was cute.

anyway, his eyes watch what amami writes, and once the pen is back into his possession. )

I was only surprised that you still come around trash like me.
Actually... you should remain around Ultimates... the last thing I want to do is sully your image.

( he wants to make sure the other know, and it's probably been awhile since he heard komaeda write it out for him to see. his actions suggested the same want for amami to leave him, but he's too self-loathing to care about himself, so being like this is easier. when amami thought komaeda had something nice to say for rika, no, he's just telling amami he should distance himself from trash, and be with his kind. )

( yeah, he hadn't actually thought that was the case, and the note isn't all that surprising. it's about what amami'd come to expect — though, that komaeda is willing to put it into words is the unexpected part. progress?

the handwriting could be better though... )

what image? it's not like i have much of one to begin with
actually, you can't really prove that i'm an ultimate either
so it should be fine for me to come here

( it's a free country, bitch! )

Edited 2021-07-05 20:32 (UTC)

( that makes him uncomfortable, the unknown placed against him again — he thought about it before when he thought hinata had a talent, and the betrayal he went through once he found out the truth. he wonders if he can feel the same thing yet again, considering what he is now — would he look down on amami if he had no true talent, and it's hard considering hinata also had hope in him. amami has hope, that's for sure, and so he purses his lips as he reads the note. )

Are you trying to say... that you don't want to be?

( there's some unease in his actions, not even looking at amami to see what expression he wears before he answers that. he knows he doesn't have to read it like that, but compared to hinata who wants a talent, would amami be the person who rather he not have one... even then, there's something that separates them. to be honest, an ultimate like him shouldn't be near komaeda in the first place... but he'll follow up with: )

If that's the case, you're better off staying away from me.

( because his luck takes anything that lacks talent without a care. )

...

( hm...

there's something like this, that was mentioned to him before. amami spares a long look at komaeda, watching his expression closely for a few moments, and thinking through the words scribbled on the page before he adds his own. )

do you not want talentless people around you?

( he feels like he can already about guess the kind of answer he'll get though, to a question like that, in a situation like this.

after holding out the note, he pauses, gives an inaudible little huff in thought, and takes it back before komaeda can. adds a little bit more before handing it over. )

why?

( the moment he's ready to reach out for the slip of paper, it's taken away from him, so he's not sure what the contents were or if they were changed. as soon as the note is slid back to him, komaeda's fingers press down to keep it in place — the talentless, a breed he doesn't have much thought for. the thought he does have is that they hold hope, they're the group that can easily fall by his luck, but he sees no use for them other than fertilizing the ground ultimates walk on. using their miniature hope as stepping stones for others above them to walk even further — )

I have to be around them for your sake... As long as I stand between you and them, you can all shine splendidly without faltering.

( that's his place, he can't just stop because of all that has happened... but in the end, his luck works against them, his luck manages to work against an ultimate... he understands better than anyone else. )

Without talent, they're weak... their hope is small... they die easily, and if you value your life if you believe you lack talent... then stay away from me.

( cue amami kind of squinting at the words. it's only been a day and a half since the meeting, mind you, so...

they die easily, and if you value your life... then stay away from me.

is that a threat? an unpleasant feeling turns in his stomach and he pauses, tapping his pen against the paper with a huff. )

does it matter what i believe?
if it's up to you whether i live or die over something like having a talent
i should be fine as long as you think i'm an ultimate

( setting aside for a moment the fact that he doesn't really plan on letting himself get killed. again. )

( he can squint, and komaeda isn't bothered in the slightest, rather, he expects it. he's waiting for when amami will get up, and yet he continues to write to komaeda — it's a conversation that they don't even need to have, and yet here it is. as he looks at the note, pale, sickly green eyes appear exhausted as he reads it over, and he's close to balling it up without a second thought, which he does, the note crumbles in his palm.

the last time he went through that, he took it badly, but that was in his youth within the simulation — it's not as recent as what hinata goes through, but there's still a sting. he's able to ignore it though, and he slowly opens his hand to release the now balled paper onto the book that it laid on. he lifts his gaze, looking amami in his eyes, and he lays back against the shelf as he parts open a book.

he reads a paragraph first, and then he turns back with his scattered attention to write something back on the piece, but everything appears smudged. )

What do you think of yourself?

( oh, he didn't like that one. watches as komaeda crumples up the paper, looking amami dead in the eye as if he's a cat pushing a water glass off the corner of the table, and just before amami can reach to take it back, he grabs it again and uncrumples it to continue their conversation.

well, alright then.

guess it doesn't really change his answer though, which is written down without much of a thought. )

that i don't plan on being killed, whether i'm an ultimate or not

( bold words, from a dead man. )

if i have a talent, i want to know what it is
but it's not going to change what i have to do either way

( it's more... for his own peace of mind. for affirming his sense of self, if that can even be accomplished in a place like this. but ultimately, it just isn't as simple as having one or not having one, for amami — not in the way that komaeda seems to think of things. and it's more than a simple yes/no checkbox to tick off for free self-worth, the way hinata had expressed it. it's just... hard for him to have certainty in the type of person that he is, or to convince others to have that trust in him when he doesn't know what that talent could say about him. when having one could easily become the worse option of the two, just depending on what it is. the way that amami approaches the unknown of his talent, hanging over his head like damocles' sword, is different from them.

but komaeda ain't ask all that so, naturally, his answer stays simple as he passes the note back. )

There's an overwhelming amount of hope that wafts from you, as for your talent, it'll take a bit of a push to make it happen...

( there's millions of things komaeda could do to push, to assist in figuring out amami's talent, but in the end, they're for him to figure out. there's no black book to give it away, but he's just am amnesiac just like hinata at one point, but he's unable to judge harshly. as hinata became someone important to him in the end, along with someone who was talent, hope, and more — the entire reason for komaeda livelihood. yet, he can't think like that anymore considering he's in his phase, and compared amami to a god does nothing for him. )

If you die, you can be a stepping stone towards their hopes, allowing them to rise higher than before.
Having a talent, being an Ultimate... do you know how special you are to the world...

( that's how the world thrives off their blinding light, and that's why komaeda loves them so much — the ultimates, and their hope. it's a pure love, he would never ask for anything more from them, even if his heart skips a beat every time he thinks of them. the group that he loves more than himself, the hope that they're able to bring together by the use of their talents... )

( amami runs a hand through his hair. he sighs, looking exhausted, and it takes him a long moment of thought to figure out how to approach this. guess he's been demoted in that case, if he's nothing but a stepping stone now himself, regardless of any talents he may or may not have. it doesn't really bother him if komaeda says that, but for him to say these things now...

he scribbles down his reply. )

i don't get it

you said things like this before too, after the stuco election
how the people who die are just fertilizer or stepping stones for "hope"
but komaeda-kun
you didn't seem to feel that way when it came to arata-kun

( it's seeing your mistake set right before your face, seeing his name, remembering what happened — it's a lot that komaeda can find himself distraught with himself. he shouldn't have done anything, he shouldn't have ever dealt with him, but there's something about him... like the other untalenteds here. even because of that, it makes him uncomfortable, his stomach turn, and his only comfort is to reach down towards his pockets to search for something. as his hands slip in and out of his jacket, there's this moment of confusion mixed with worry, patting in search for something specific.

it's when amami lays the pen down, komaeda falls into pattern as if that's what he needed, even though... it's not, the worry subsides instantly, as he tells himself to check when he gets up. right now, he should focus. )

The only person there was me, scum like myself have no worth or hope.
Stepping stones only apply to those who are affected by it, and can further their journey towards hope.

( all the deaths in his life were stepping stones, they were just how the pendulum of his luck swung — millions of deaths only made his outlook on life bleak. at this point, komaeda's not even truly living. talking about where rokkun stands in this life, how komaeda views him, he's a stepping stone, just as well as hope that's trying to find a steady footing on his path. his hope may not be as big as the ultimates, but komaeda understands that the people beneath them also deserve a chance at showing their worth.

it's just if they fail him, they fail him. )

Do you understand?

( komaeda's fidgeting is noted in amami's peripheral, but pretty much as soon as he has the opportunity to read the note he's offered in return, it's clear as day that he isn't a fan of what's written on it. at all. )

no, i don't

completely disregarding what you think of yourself, it seemed to me like fujioka-kun was plenty affected by what happened
do you think that kawai-san wouldn't have batted an eye at it either?
sorry, but it sounds like you're just making excuses, and the deaths that you think are okay are just the ones that you don't care about
so i can't say i like being told i make a perfectly fine "stepping stone" but arata-kun is too good for it

No one is too good to be a stepping stone, everyone is capable of serving a purpose to the end.

( just like this conversation, it's served its purpose to its end, because he's going to pick up the slips of paper that they were writing on, and slip it between the pages of a book he's reading. he keeps it in hand, not willing to give it to amami, or do anything. komaeda's pretty petty when he wants to be, and he finds that he doesn't want to talk anymore. )

rainbows

komaeda — 06/29, library — V3 spoilers

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