yogen | The price that I pay to survive seems so high

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The price that I pay to survive seems so high

WHO: Noah & You!
WHAT: September Catch-all
WHERE: Around :)
WHEN: Month of September
WARNINGS: Self-harm, suicide attempts, PTSD, general angst, literally none of the threads in here are going to be happy folks I don't know what to say

Unfortunately, they've been separated.

All prompts listed are OPEN unless stated otherwise and trigger-tagged appropriately in the headers. This is literally the saddest shit I've ever written y'all. I cannot be sued for emotional damages.

Feel free to wildcard on this log too, with the caveat being that the thread must be sad, because this is the sad log for sadness.

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[If you're looking for Noah, there are a few spots you might be able to check where he frequents — his room with Senku, the library, the art room, the clocktower... he's in the latter, of course, the one place he always goes when he's upset now that the library is no longer silent during the daytimes. It's quiet. He can see the pool house from here and remember the unrelenting tides of rage, the morning of the discovery, how he'd sworn vengeance for the second time in his life — oh, how he intends to absolutely eviscerate whoever did this.

Noah's hands ball into fists. How he'd love to spill their blood and feel it oozing between his fingertips, for whatever limited catharsis it would grant him, it would be enough — he's said before that if anything happened to Clamor that he'd kill them, after all. For what it's worth, that thought comforts him a bit, that he'll one day have revenge for Clamor as he's soon to have for Harque when he returns to Elrios, whenever that is.

But at the same time, underneath layers and layers of implacable fury, Noah is indescribably heartbroken — and that heartbreak has led to several long, open wounds on his arms, inflicted by his own hand. After all, there's peace to be found alone in the void, where he can scream and cry and pitch a fit as much as he wants, where time is stopped and he doesn't have to pretend he's fine, posturing to students who have no idea what it's like to lose a family member.

Sometimes, Noah debates not coming back. Sometimes, he debates walking into the ever-expanding abyss that originates from the auditorium and throwing himself into it. What good is staying alive when his one last remaining tether to life is gone?

You've walked in at an unfortunate time, it seems; Noah's back is turned to the door, and if you're approaching, he's not paying attention to you at all. He needs a damn break, needs time to stop — a sudden eruption of sharpened shadows from his left hand slices over the bare skin of his right arm, and for Noah's part, he doesn't even flinch against what must undoubtedly hurt. The wound is deep and bleeds swiftly; blood drips, drips, and then the world pitches and turns black.

And Noah... oblivious to the fact that he just brought someone into the void with him... just sits down against the wall and buries his face in his hands.]

[she stumbles on the stairs, and, y'know, maybe that's her fault for being so quiet, for being so stuck on what to say that she basically just ended up stalking him until a change of scenery forced her to action, makes her finally open the door and step inside.

she looks around, not at him, rubbing her arms.] It's always so cold here... We aren't really ready for winter; we're gonna have to find some way to get warmer jackets.

[she looks down at him. blinks hard, but her voice remains soft.]

It'll snow. You still wanna see the snow, don't you.

[it doesn't even sound like a question.]

...yeah. I guess I do.

[Really, he hadn't thought of that. In the back of Noah's mind, there's no future for him, so looking forward to something nice like seeing snow for the first time hadn't even been a consideration. It seems like a silly thing to live for.]

I wanted to see it with Clamor, though. I don't know if he's ever seen snow... I guess it's too late to ask now, huh.

He'd want you to see it. For you to be there to see it, with or without him. You...

[know that. and she thinks he does. but it doesn't seem like the right thing to say.

she sits down next to him, drawing her legs up to her chest.]

I'm just gonna sit here for a little bit, okay? I won't... stop you. From whatever you decide. I just want you to know I'm here.

...sure.

[The delayed response isn't meant to be dismissive, more like he's just responding late because everything just feels

so

slow,

considering everything that's happened. How he can just wake up one morning and Clamor's just not there anymore, because... because he wasn't there enough to protect him? Because this place sucks and people die left and right?]

You have good memories of people close to you, right? [It's muttered from where he's now tucking his head against his knees.] ...anything you can share?

[Tell him a story, distract him for a bit. It's probably better than spending all day crying, right?]

Hm... I could tell you about my uncle. [rests her head on her knees] I've lived with him for two years. I was supposed to stay for the summer, but it just... felt more like home, there. So I never left.

I really think somebody gave our family the last name we have, generations ago. Uncle Milford isn't exactly very... competent, at a whole lot of things. Housework. Being mayor. Romance. [smiles] But, he always means well. I remember, this one time, I was upset 'cause all of my friends wanted to camp a different way than I did. Uncle doesn't know how to camp, but... I think I would've spent that whole day in bed, crying my eyes out, if he hadn't thought to go get Sportacus.

He's the whole reason I met Sportacus in the first place. When he was my age, there was another superhero, Nine, who came and helped the town when they were in trouble. He told me how to contact them, through an old tube attached to the mailbox... and I got Ten.

[He turns his head toward her as she's telling the tale, looking... maybe not happier, but at least some of the life has returned to his eyes? A tiny bit?]

Sportacus... is one of your close friends, right? I remember you talked about him before. ...he's probably waiting for you to come home, so make sure you get out of here.

Oh, no. He doesn't wait for anything. He can barely wait his turn. [grins, shaking her head.] No... If he knows I'm gone, he hasn't stopped looking for me. Not for even one second.

[the smile falters, just slightly.]

It's just the magic of this place, is all. It's a lot. Even for a slightly above average hero. But, I know he'll find me. He always does.

...He sounds like a nice person. Dedicated.

[Noah offers a smile which quickly fades, given the circumstances; even still, he means it. It's nice that Stephanie has someone to rely on.]

You'll get out of here. You and Sportacus can turn it into a race of which one of you finds the other first.

He might need rescuing just as much as I do, really. The other kids in town aren't exactly... reliable. I don't even wanna think about what a mess they've made without me.

[pauses, thinking] I think you'd like one of my friends back home. Pixel. He's closer to your age than me. And he's a little bit like Add, if Add wasn't a big jerk. All about technology. He'd go nuts about your magic, though. Just like his video games.

... I want to introduce you all to them. It's why I'm hoping that exchange program next month isn't... entirely an awful trick. I just want to check in on them so bad.

Yeah, I hope it's not a trick either.

[Because some people deserve to go home. Sometimes Noah wonders why Elrios wasn't on the list, but then again, would he really want to go back? He's in the same mental state no matter where he goes, so it doesn't really matter. No matter what, he has no home to return to.

At least here, he has a bed.]

I just... I don't want it to be like the elevator was for everyone. I... I'd like to meet your friends, too.

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The price that I pay to survive seems so high

9/19, AFTERNOON, CLOCKTOWER || cw: self harm depictions, the void

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