The price that I pay to survive seems so high

[silentabyss]

WHO: Noah & You!
WHAT: September Catch-all
WHERE: Around :)
WHEN: Month of September
WARNINGS: Self-harm, suicide attempts, PTSD, general angst, literally none of the threads in here are going to be happy folks I don't know what to say



Unfortunately, they've been separated.

All prompts listed are OPEN unless stated otherwise and trigger-tagged appropriately in the headers. This is literally the saddest shit I've ever written y'all. I cannot be sued for emotional damages.

Feel free to wildcard on this log too, with the caveat being that the thread must be sad, because this is the sad log for sadness.

Comments

9/19, AFTERNOON, CLOCKTOWER || cw: self harm depictions, the void

[silentabyss]

[If you're looking for Noah, there are a few spots you might be able to check where he frequents — his room with Senku, the library, the art room, the clocktower... he's in the latter, of course, the one place he always goes when he's upset now that the library is no longer silent during the daytimes. It's quiet. He can see the pool house from here and remember the unrelenting tides of rage, the morning of the discovery, how he'd sworn vengeance for the second time in his life — oh, how he intends to absolutely eviscerate whoever did this.

Noah's hands ball into fists. How he'd love to spill their blood and feel it oozing between his fingertips, for whatever limited catharsis it would grant him, it would be enough — he's said before that if anything happened to Clamor that he'd kill them, after all. For what it's worth, that thought comforts him a bit, that he'll one day have revenge for Clamor as he's soon to have for Harque when he returns to Elrios, whenever that is.

But at the same time, underneath layers and layers of implacable fury, Noah is indescribably heartbroken — and that heartbreak has led to several long, open wounds on his arms, inflicted by his own hand. After all, there's peace to be found alone in the void, where he can scream and cry and pitch a fit as much as he wants, where time is stopped and he doesn't have to pretend he's fine, posturing to students who have no idea what it's like to lose a family member.

Sometimes, Noah debates not coming back. Sometimes, he debates walking into the ever-expanding abyss that originates from the auditorium and throwing himself into it. What good is staying alive when his one last remaining tether to life is gone?

You've walked in at an unfortunate time, it seems; Noah's back is turned to the door, and if you're approaching, he's not paying attention to you at all. He needs a damn break, needs time to stop — a sudden eruption of sharpened shadows from his left hand slices over the bare skin of his right arm, and for Noah's part, he doesn't even flinch against what must undoubtedly hurt. The wound is deep and bleeds swiftly; blood drips, drips, and then the world pitches and turns black.

And Noah... oblivious to the fact that he just brought someone into the void with him... just sits down against the wall and buries his face in his hands.]

9/21, EVENING, CLOCKTOWER || cw: suicide, self harm mentions, time travel

[silentabyss]

[The question of why he's alive still linger in the back of his mind. What does he have that's worth keeping? The friends he's made here... they'll have to live without him eventually anyhow, right? When they're all allowed to go home, if that day ever comes. Noah's a burden upon others, not enough, never enough, a cursed boy whose only talent is fucking things up. People who get close to him die after a time anyway, always leaving him behind in the end.

So, why is he alive? What's the point? To take revenge for people who already died, who are never coming back? What will his vengeance even do? In the end, perhaps, it's just closure — closure that, at this rate, he's never going to get. And even if he were to get it, if he were to kill Clamor's murderer, some things just don't go away.

Noah decides then that he'll do everyone a favour. He's better off dead. People can live without him. A horrendously bitter part of his brain reminds him that Clamor already had, before...

Well. Before.

And what use was Noah in stopping what happened? Zero. His partner, his best friend, the one family member he had left — dead. Dead, because Noah's cursed, because Noah didn't stick around, because — because of so many reasons that he doesn't care to recount. Somehow, in the end, everything is his fault, isn't it? He's pathetic and he knows it.

The never-ending silence of death would be better than staying alive.

Perhaps you witness it from the clock tower doorway. Perhaps you arrived sooner, to track Noah wandering the halls with a kitchen knife in his hands — where could he possibly be going with that? But no matter at what point you arrive, you're already too late; Noah closes his eyes and, holding the knife to his throat.

Then, he pauses, like maybe he doesn't want to, like he's second-guessing himself — but that lasts for a mere fraction of the second before he plunges the knife into his neck, gurgling and choking on blood as it gushes to the floor, the copper tang filling the air.

Blood touches the floor, and the school starts to change as it always does, then—

Then, you're not in the void, and the scene is the same as it was seconds earlier: Noah holding a knife to his throat. Only this time... this time, he lets out a shout of frustration and hurls the knife halfway across the clocktower, where it clatters uselessly against the floor with a metallic clang and skids to a stop.

Noah holds his head in his hands for a moment before he pinches the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger. He's cursed, you see; can't even kill himself to end the pain, not without time rewinding and reviving him.

The question becomes, are you going to try to stop him before he tries again?]

9/22, CLASS 3-D, EVENING || cw: mentions of self harm, mentions of suicide

[silentabyss]

[The 21st is filled with multiple suicide attempts, regardless of anyone who might've tried to talk him out of it. If you have deja vu that day, blame the Moonstone's constant rewinding of time. Perhaps you're afflicted with deja vu all day on the 22nd as well, reminder after reminder that Noah's trying again and failing every time.

Today, he's not in the clocktower, as much as it is a comfort to him in many ways. He's in his homeroom, with a heavy book laid out on the desk in front of him bookmarked with several colourful ribbons; it's clear by his red cheeks and the way he won't stop shaking his leg or tapping his fingers on the desk that he's trying to do anything and everything to keep from crying.

It might be somewhat clear to anyone who comes in that Noah's attempts at reading are going poorly. More than that... he just looks like he needs a hug, or kind words, or something. He's been shouldering this entire thing alone, if the slowly-healing lacerations on his arms are anything to go by. At the end of the day, he's a kid; a kid whose only family members are dead and gone and never coming back. He has no idea how to cope with grief that cuts this deep.

If you talk to him, though, he might listen.]

cw: suicide mention

[commences]

( it's like a hiccup in reality, vertigo, something repetitive, and when his eyes fell upon it, he thought of it as a quick kill, and that the body would remain on the ground. that's not the case, it feels like what he experiences with add when he places his seal — time breaking, correcting itself, and then bringing him back a second before anything happens. as much as he would accept such an act from add when making it useful, to catch noah of all people —

his attempt almost reads like a weakness to him, and the ultimate finds the expression on his face souring — a frown, his eyes sharp as he watches the other, and he can't even make out the taste of disgust that appears on his tongue. )

Ebalon.

( his voice clipped, a sigh right after as if disappointed, and maybe komaeda-arata is. he watches the other, and his hand settles on his own waist as he tries to put everything together, but it's easy, noah's always been so easy to read: he's that distraught, so bothered, feel like he's at a loss from losing clamor. he already knew how much that person meant to him, and he know how much noah meant to clamor, and it's not like komaeda-arata hasn't witnessed it. he remembers clamor telling komaeda-arata to stay away from his son, he recalls it well because he was a bad influence, that he was corrupting noah. )

Even after everything I've taught you... You're incapable of holding onto that, too...

( but it's not like komaeda-arata will praise a kill that's so hesitant, one that's afraid from seeing it through, and he scoffs right after. )

WILDCARD date tbd because nene is the end of the Suicides. also cw suicide and self harm all the way

[mermaidcursed]

( the recoil of time rewinding leaves nene feeling dizzy, bracing herself against a wall for a moment while she presses one hand against her head and squeezes her eyes shut- and then she remembers-- she remembers noah, and the blood-

noah-

her stomach feels heavier and heavier by the second, and she trips, stumbles a bit as she runs but she does, reaching out to noah with an abnormal pallor and tears in her eyes before her fingers curl into the cloth and she pulls him against her, tight and close regardless of anything.

she'd just wanted to check on him, when she saw him walking away like he was dead on his feet-- when she realized what the deja vu was for the past few days, when she remembered him telling her about the moonstone. if he knew she'd been there, maybe he wouldn't have done it, but he didn't, so he did, and now nene has a vision that will live in her memory forever, like everything else here in yogen.

maybe he's still holding a knife, maybe he's not, but nene's holding onto him regardless, trying not to cry and failing horribly as she looks up at him. )

N-Noah- Noah, you can't- why-

( her words come out in broken pieces, cracking in the air like brittle pieces. trying to talk is- difficult, thinking is harder, all she can do is try to act- )

cw: mentions of self harm, mentions of suicide

[wolfetracks]

Noah...

( he's been hovering, maybe obnoxiously so. but in his defense, if he doesn't, noah slips away to the clock tower to try to kill himself multiple times. and oh, sidney's heart aches. he misses the sweet man who stole his heart effortlessly, he wants to be there for the boy who he's all but adopted- but he's still injured and weakened and he can't be there all the time no matter how much he tries. and god, he tries.

even the sight of the book hurts, once sidney sees it in his slow approach. when he stands beside noah, however, he's... almost hesitant to touch. what use is a protector who couldn't keep the man he loves safe, can't keep his boy from hurting himself so terribly? ... and yet.

and yet, he can only keep going.

gently, sidney pulls noah into a one-armed hug. right now, he'll let that speak, at least. )

[silentabyss]

[He jumps like a foot in the air from where he's sitting down, empty hands instinctively flying out to grab onto his arms thereafter, wrapping himself in a protective hug. Like a child getting caught doing something they shouldn't, and perhaps that's what this is, what with that disappointed tone and all.

For what it's worth, Noah starts crying the moment he's spoken to, tears running down his cheeks. He's not a scream-crier, not normally, not like he was that day in the pool house where he shrieked and sobbed with his face buried in Clamor's chest until his lungs gave out. It's silent today, the sort of tears that only fall from one's eyes when they're beyond tired, beyond furious, and beyond... well, dead inside.]

Holding onto what? The will to live I was lying about having?

[Perhaps, back then, when he fought Hyde, his final thought was that he wanted to live. Above everything else, he had someone to return to; vengeance to be wrought upon Dantalion for killing Harque years ago back home. Things to do. People to save. Someone to love when all else was lost.

But such things were for naught, in Noah's mind; how could he expect Clamor to live, knowing just how cursed Noah is? Everyone he knows is fated to die because of him. It's just his luck.]

[silentabyss]

[Noah is squished into the hug and that causes the dam to burst. At the very least, he has the forethought to push the spellbook away from him and turn into Sidney a bit, that way tears don't ruin the pages — previously waterlogged and dried out, then fallen into the dirt and smudged with grime. Around his neck is Clamor's pendant, which he hasn't taken off since that day; Noah's been collecting things, remnants of what he's lost, and they're always on his person.

Sidney's sad, too, and Noah knows. And Noah's good at deflecting, at least sometimes, even if he's the one crying in the end; it's the game he and Clamor always played. Why would either of them admit when something was wrong with them personally, when they could both avoid the burden of upsetting the other partner with their problems? It's feigned ignorance at best, to see something awry and pretend it doesn't exist.]

A-are you sad? [He hiccups between sobs.] Y-you loved him, didn't you...?

[silentabyss]

[He's still holding the knife, and the sudden hug frightens him more than he'd like to admit — why? He has no idea why, Nene's never scared him before — but he does his utmost to maneuver the hand holding the weapon in such a way that she won't be hurt. The longer the hug goes on and the harder she cries, the less he wants to be here in this moment.

Part of him had been hoping that with enough deaths, the Moonstone's magic would've worn off. Harque, darling brother, why won't you just let him die?]

I don't...

[At the very least, Noah sets the knife aside — or drops it is perhaps the better term, letting it clank to the ground next to him.]

...I don't... want to be alive. I don't have the will to go on like this.

[commences]

I'm well aware you lacked the will to live, and you found excuses as to why you should —

( he's quick to reply, taking a few steps towards noah before stopping, and sigh leaves from his lips in thought. he's always known that noah could be weak, that he needed something to latch onto, anything that gave him a resason to ignore all the pain from before. )

Look at you... is this the sort of person that could have saved Clamor-san before his last moments... ( not that komaeda-arata has a reason to care about clamor aside from his hope, but that flame has been snuffed out as easily as it burned. ) You could at least respect him as a stepping stone, but here you are, being nothing more than a disgrace by attempting to kill yourself in a hopeless manner.

( he's scolding him, he is, and that's because everything he's seen from noah doesn't add up to this on the outside, but inside... he's slowly crumbling, piece by piece. )

What growth comes from this, in a way, you were dragging him down... ( they dragged each other down for komaeda-arata has said the same thing to the half-elf, how he'd be the reason noah would die, and what do you know as he stands here today. ) Or he was on a different path than you... considering you're unable to walk on your own...

( he does decide on a question to pose to the other: )

Do you want that to be true?

[wolfetracks]

I am. And I still do.

( all this love just for clamor, and no where to put it- so he'll carry it in his chest and hold onto it, and focus his energy onto noah. ... their boy. he can have his grief in lucifer's arms, but right now noah is lost and in pain and has probably been talking to that fucking cultist. but this isn't quite the time for anger. everything is too raw and everything stings so much more. )

But I love you, too. And I can't take away the pain, but I can be here at your side.

[mermaidcursed]

( "i don't want to be alive."

it echoes so strongly in her head because she knows there's a few times she's almost revoked her wish to hanako in this rotten place, but she can't, she can't, she has to keep going. there's an end to this and it's almost in sight, she knows it. but-

but-

nene clings all the harder, to be honest. )

W-What about the- the people who love you?

( it's weak and broken before she finally looks up at him, blinking away tears- )

I- I can't imagine how much this hurts, no one can, b-but this isn't- this isn't the way, it's not right-

[silentabyss]

[A brief hiccup, followed by smaller hands clutching at Sidney's shoulders. Noah buries his face against Sidney's chest for a brief moment before he sniffles and draws away, wiping his eyes off on the backs of his hands. The tears don't stop, and new ones quickly replace the old.]

N-no one's e-ever— no one's ever told me that and meant it...

[wolfetracks]

Then I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner. I love you so much, Noah.

( and as he speaks, he tightens the hug how he can, and wishes he could hold him tight and stroke his hair, wishes he could lift the boy up more, wishes a lot of things. instead, he rubs noah's back softly, stays steady against his anguish. )

Let it all out.

[closewithnewintown]

[she stumbles on the stairs, and, y'know, maybe that's her fault for being so quiet, for being so stuck on what to say that she basically just ended up stalking him until a change of scenery forced her to action, makes her finally open the door and step inside.

she looks around, not at him, rubbing her arms.] It's always so cold here... We aren't really ready for winter; we're gonna have to find some way to get warmer jackets.

[she looks down at him. blinks hard, but her voice remains soft.]

It'll snow. You still wanna see the snow, don't you.

[it doesn't even sound like a question.]

[silentabyss]

...yeah. I guess I do.

[Really, he hadn't thought of that. In the back of Noah's mind, there's no future for him, so looking forward to something nice like seeing snow for the first time hadn't even been a consideration. It seems like a silly thing to live for.]

I wanted to see it with Clamor, though. I don't know if he's ever seen snow... I guess it's too late to ask now, huh.

[silentabyss]

[He does, at that; Noah has never been the type to hold back his tears, he's always been someone who cries openly and who yells and fights at every little thing. At the same time, he would've preferred to hold back, because some part of him still wants to toss away all of his problems and pretend they don't exist. This whole thing is an inconvenience, isn't it? Sidney has better things to do. Sidney's in mourning, too, so who is Noah to ask for comfort?

But he cries regardless, until his tears run out and until he's just fucking tired, because as it turns out you don't sleep after a family member dies — and it's not like Noah was much of a sleeper anyway.

His arms sting. The fresh cuts rub against Sidney's clothes while he's clinging, and he recoils a bit after a moment to stare down at the rawer ones. All those trips to the void to just get a break...]

[silentabyss]

You'd all be better off without me anyway!

[He doesn't mean to yell and lash out, but it just... happens without him really thinking. This is something he's held onto so long, telling himself every day to fight and live, and maybe at one point he decided he wanted to. At the end of the day, though, he's not dumb enough to assume that they're going to get out of here and that he's going to be able to see everyone he's connected with ever again, and he's not naive enough to assume no one else will die and leave him heartbroken, and he's not stupid enough to pretend that he isn't cursed — for what else could a boy who walks in the shadow of death believe about himself?]

I'm cursed. Clamor's dead. Who's to say you won't be next, or anyone else here? Everyone I've gotten close to has died. I can't keep waking up in the morning and pretending I'm fine anymore!

[silentabyss]

[Well, so much for the previously-extinguished rage that had coiled in his chest days earlier when he was still upset enough to want to rain hellfire down upon the murderer; Komaeda's accusations, his scolding, reignites the cold-burning flame of fury with perhaps too much ease.

Noah's never been able to save anyone, so why would he be able to save Clamor? How many lives had he been unable to protect? Over the months, his motivation to try had been slipping, waning; most of their family meetings usually left him curled up in the corner trying to process his grief, and when that wasn't enough, he'd break down in the library back when it was still silent where no one could hear him.

The look he gives Komaeda at that is much, much more full of life than Noah's felt for his entire stay at this school. If looks could kill, Komaeda would have been reduced to mere particles.]

What am I supposed to live for, exactly? I haven't been able to save anyone this entire time — I'm not strong enough. But I never wanted to drag Clamor down, and I — I made the mistake of trusting that he'd be safe when my back was turned, so I guess it was my fault in the end, wasn't it?

[The glare dies almost as quickly as it appeared, and Noah holds his head in one of his hands, as if he has a headache. Quietly, he adds,]

I've always wanted to walk on my own, but I don't know how. Especially not now.

[mermaidcursed]

I don't care! You're my friend, and I want you in my life, Mr. Wolfe wants you, Stephanie and Sara all want you-

( she doesn't mean to yell back or to drop honorifics, but she does, teary eyed and forceful because maybe if she doesn't waver, clamor won't have to meet him in the tree- which she doesn't even think to mention in her panic. instead all she can think is that she can't let go. maybe if she can be strong enough, he'll realize. and if noah can't hold on, can't keep faith, then she will for him. even if sometimes she can't for the same for herself.

she doesn't let go. if she does, he'll slip away too. )

You don't have to be fine, no one is here, but we can't give up, you can't- there's a way out, I know there is!

[wolfetracks]

( this isn't the first time sidney's held noah as he bawls his heart out. he suspects that in a place like this, it won't be the last, either. the only thing he hates about it is that noah feels this way at all, truthfully. for all his failings in this place, he can at least do this.

as noah cries and cries, sidney holds him close, rubbing his back. he doesn't give any gentle shushes or 'it'll be okays' because it isn't, and maybe for a while it won't be. but he can rub noah's back, smooth out his hair. when noah flinches, looks down at raw, fresh wounds, sidney's heart breaks though- again, for who knows how many times this month. but when he speaks, his voice is gentle as he leans down, gently taking one of noah's hands in his. )

Noah... you have to stop this. I can't lose you, too.

[closewithnewintown]

He'd want you to see it. For you to be there to see it, with or without him. You...

[know that. and she thinks he does. but it doesn't seem like the right thing to say.

she sits down next to him, drawing her legs up to her chest.]

I'm just gonna sit here for a little bit, okay? I won't... stop you. From whatever you decide. I just want you to know I'm here.

[unimmune]

[Even though Tali hadn't witnessed the finding of the rest of the body, word had gotten out fast and just who the body was. While she didn't know Clamor, she knew Noah and she hated learning that he lost someone important to him.

3-D isn't her classroom, but she happened to pass that way and notice Noah sitting at the desk. She hadn't seen him in a few days, to see how he was holding up, so she takes this chance to slip into the room to check in on him.

He's still very upset, it's obvious to tell. She couldn't exactly blame him. So she steps closer cautiously, wringing her hands together as she tries to decide what to even say to him.]

I heard what happened. Are you okay? [A stupid question. She can tell he isn't, but she didn't know what else to say.]

[commences]

I was aware your hope could crumble, but who knew it'd be like this...

( he sighs, rolling his eyes as he looks off to the side, yes, the expression noah wore weighs down on komaeda-arata, knowing that anything he says could make the boy snap, but he doesn't care. he's always placed himself in dangerous situations, and this one is as well, so he steps forward almost in a means to provoke the other, but not at him, but more at himself. )

Hm, could be your fault, couldn't be your fault, those sorts of questions mean nothing if you don't know — "I guess," that means nothing to me, all I care for is the hope that you provide, but even that is becoming tainted by your weakness...

( the ultimate likes noah, he's always engaged with the other during times that were good, and no good, and he doesn't know if he's ever seen noah properly smile. what he's seen is someone who held in their problems, he's witnessed his hope shake, has seen him cry, and feel alone. the only person he has to blame is himself for allowing such sadness to overcome him, to lead his life when he should use it to move forward, to give up being selfish and think of others. it's this cry for attention that causes komaeda-arata to look down on it — having saw the other try to kill himself, and then take it back...

a coward move, if he wants to die, then he should die, and not drag the rest of anyone else down. )

You're meant to use that death as a motivator... a step ladder to reach heights you never have, this sort of experience is rare, but it fuels your hope to prepare you for what comes next... Besides, you aren't ready for what comes after death, but if you are... kill yourself where you stand, Ebalon-kun. I doubt you will, because you realize that's nothing more than a hopeless, selfish, and boring death...

[silentabyss]

Yeah, there's a way out, it's called dying!

[He... knows, deep down, that death isn't permanent here. Some part of him can distantly recall that — didn't Nao die? — but he's also not entirely sure if that's true or not, because no one that's turned up dead has come back in his time being here. Not Jekyll and Hyde, not Chihiro, not Madison, not Izumi — and let's not talk about the people who have been missing and have just simply never returned, who probably haven't even been discovered dead somewhere yet.

Noah knows nothing. Noah knows nothing and so, just like how it should be, he's going to believe death is permanent. Just a blanket of silence into eternity. That's all it is, right?

He presses the balls of his hands into his eyes, and it does nothing to stop the tears flowing. His voice is pathetically soft as he murmurs,]

I can't... I can't be alive to lose more people. Everything I was living for is gone. What if you leave me, too?