Noah Ebalon (π·ππππππππ) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
silentabyss) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
yogen2021-09-01 10:11 am
silentabyss) wrote in yogen2021-09-01 10:11 am
The price that I pay to survive seems so high
WHO: Noah & You!
WHAT: September Catch-all
WHERE: Around :)
WHEN: Month of September
WARNINGS: Self-harm, suicide attempts, PTSD, general angst, literally none of the threads in here are going to be happy folks I don't know what to say
Unfortunately, they've been separated.
All prompts listed are OPEN unless stated otherwise and trigger-tagged appropriately in the headers. This is literally the saddest shit I've ever written y'all. I cannot be sued for emotional damages.
Feel free to wildcard on this log too, with the caveat being that the thread must be sad, because this is the sad log for sadness.
WHAT: September Catch-all
WHERE: Around :)
WHEN: Month of September
WARNINGS: Self-harm, suicide attempts, PTSD, general angst, literally none of the threads in here are going to be happy folks I don't know what to say
Unfortunately, they've been separated.
All prompts listed are OPEN unless stated otherwise and trigger-tagged appropriately in the headers. This is literally the saddest shit I've ever written y'all. I cannot be sued for emotional damages.
Feel free to wildcard on this log too, with the caveat being that the thread must be sad, because this is the sad log for sadness.
no subject
For what it's worth, Noah starts crying the moment he's spoken to, tears running down his cheeks. He's not a scream-crier, not normally, not like he was that day in the pool house where he shrieked and sobbed with his face buried in Clamor's chest until his lungs gave out. It's silent today, the sort of tears that only fall from one's eyes when they're beyond tired, beyond furious, and beyond... well, dead inside.]
Holding onto what? The will to live I was lying about having?
[Perhaps, back then, when he fought Hyde, his final thought was that he wanted to live. Above everything else, he had someone to return to; vengeance to be wrought upon Dantalion for killing Harque years ago back home. Things to do. People to save. Someone to love when all else was lost.
But such things were for naught, in Noah's mind; how could he expect Clamor to live, knowing just how cursed Noah is? Everyone he knows is fated to die because of him. It's just his luck.]
no subject
( he's quick to reply, taking a few steps towards noah before stopping, and sigh leaves from his lips in thought. he's always known that noah could be weak, that he needed something to latch onto, anything that gave him a resason to ignore all the pain from before. )
Look at you... is this the sort of person that could have saved Clamor-san before his last moments... ( not that komaeda-arata has a reason to care about clamor aside from his hope, but that flame has been snuffed out as easily as it burned. ) You could at least respect him as a stepping stone, but here you are, being nothing more than a disgrace by attempting to kill yourself in a hopeless manner.
( he's scolding him, he is, and that's because everything he's seen from noah doesn't add up to this on the outside, but inside... he's slowly crumbling, piece by piece. )
What growth comes from this, in a way, you were dragging him down... ( they dragged each other down for komaeda-arata has said the same thing to the half-elf, how he'd be the reason noah would die, and what do you know as he stands here today. ) Or he was on a different path than you... considering you're unable to walk on your own...
( he does decide on a question to pose to the other: )
Do you want that to be true?
no subject
Noah's never been able to save anyone, so why would he be able to save Clamor? How many lives had he been unable to protect? Over the months, his motivation to try had been slipping, waning; most of their family meetings usually left him curled up in the corner trying to process his grief, and when that wasn't enough, he'd break down in the library back when it was still silent where no one could hear him.
The look he gives Komaeda at that is much, much more full of life than Noah's felt for his entire stay at this school. If looks could kill, Komaeda would have been reduced to mere particles.]
What am I supposed to live for, exactly? I haven't been able to save anyone this entire time β I'm not strong enough. But I never wanted to drag Clamor down, and I β I made the mistake of trusting that he'd be safe when my back was turned, so I guess it was my fault in the end, wasn't it?
[The glare dies almost as quickly as it appeared, and Noah holds his head in one of his hands, as if he has a headache. Quietly, he adds,]
I've always wanted to walk on my own, but I don't know how. Especially not now.
no subject
( he sighs, rolling his eyes as he looks off to the side, yes, the expression noah wore weighs down on komaeda-arata, knowing that anything he says could make the boy snap, but he doesn't care. he's always placed himself in dangerous situations, and this one is as well, so he steps forward almost in a means to provoke the other, but not at him, but more at himself. )
Hm, could be your fault, couldn't be your fault, those sorts of questions mean nothing if you don't know — "I guess," that means nothing to me, all I care for is the hope that you provide, but even that is becoming tainted by your weakness...
( the ultimate likes noah, he's always engaged with the other during times that were good, and no good, and he doesn't know if he's ever seen noah properly smile. what he's seen is someone who held in their problems, he's witnessed his hope shake, has seen him cry, and feel alone. the only person he has to blame is himself for allowing such sadness to overcome him, to lead his life when he should use it to move forward, to give up being selfish and think of others. it's this cry for attention that causes komaeda-arata to look down on it — having saw the other try to kill himself, and then take it back...
a coward move, if he wants to die, then he should die, and not drag the rest of anyone else down. )
You're meant to use that death as a motivator... a step ladder to reach heights you never have, this sort of experience is rare, but it fuels your hope to prepare you for what comes next... Besides, you aren't ready for what comes after death, but if you are... kill yourself where you stand, Ebalon-kun. I doubt you will, because you realize that's nothing more than a hopeless, selfish, and boring death...
no subject
What stops Noah from grabbing that knife and doing it again is nothing more than the fact that he's not sure he wants to die, not entirely, though he's not sure what tethers him to this world. Is it fear? Is it vengeance? He still has much to take care of. He knows he's better off dead, and he's always thought of himself that way...
Komaeda's words have an effect on him. Does he actually want to die? Noah feels like he does, but he also feels like... he feels like he wants to live, if nothing else, for the people he lost. So, no, he doesn't pick up the knife and he doesn't try again, though a bitter laugh resounds in his chest at the comment.]
I can't die anyway. You saw it β my elder brother's time magic.
[The thing that got Harque Ebalon killed in the first place. Silenced for secrets he shouldn't have known.]
The only thing Clamor's death motivates me to do, [other than to try, repeatedly, to kill himself,] is to kill whoever did it. I don't know if it was one person, or several conspirators, but I want them to die. I want them to suffer as he did, and I want it to be by my hand.
...Is that the answer you're looking for?
no subject
it's because noah wants unspoken help, he needs someone to fix his problem so he can remedy the wound in his heart. to find someone that will validate his bloodlust that will keep him living unlike anything else. he feels he should speak on the magic used, but he chooses not to.
instead, he takes the opportunity to sneer, wondering if this is another excuse by yours truly. )
What I'm looking for? Don't be an idiot, why tell me what I want to hear? ( this hope isn't about him, this is hope that noah has to build for himself, the path he has to be sure to walk on. )
How you utilize Clamor's ( honorific dropped, annoyance is at a all time high. ) death will reflect the path that you walk, embrace it, ( he looks down on noah for ever thinking differently, but someone has to be honest, and pampering him will do nothing. ) or you're just a coward who let him down from the start, forsaken him the moment his name left from your lips...
( he drops his hands down by his side, thinking... )
I won't humor your lies... nor will I clean up your messes... if your hope ends here, you're better off dead than dragging everyone down because of your inadequacy...
As for your statement, is that your hope, or is that an excuse?
no subject
[From rage to dismay to rage again, that's how Noah's expression fluctuates at that accusation β he'd never forsake Clamor, never in a million years. It always felt like it was the other way around, that Clamor never needed him, that Noah was always too dependent on Clamor for everything. It was always Noah pushing things, always Noah sticking his nose into places he didn't belong β like Seven Tower, something he really never bothered to share that he did in the first place.
But never, never in Noah's life, would he think to forsake Clamor.]
He was the only family member I had left! Why would I do that to him?!
[The accusations make no damn sense to him, not until he thinks on it more β surely him wanting to die isn't forsaking Clamor?
Noah gets the feeling, after a moment, that somehow that's exactly what Komaeda meant.]
I don't want you to humour me or clean up my messes. Honestly, I've never gotten your definition of "hope" before. I hope I kill whoever did this. But I've never understood how you define it, and maybe that'll piss you off, but I don't care. My "hope" or whatever you're always on about is that I get vengeance on whoever killed Clamor, and that's not a lie or an excuse. It's what I want.
no subject
( the last thing komaeda will do is humor him, and the other last thing he'd do is clean up messes that the other create. he hasn't from the beginning, and he won't do it now, so to listen to him say something so... hopeless, komaeda can't stand it. he's been with noah too long to hear him speak like this, it doesn't match the noah that spoke to him in front of nao's case, it doesn't match the one that held onto nene during ishimaru's deathmatch. )
That is not your hope, I want to know what you're fighting for! ...Is that all Clamor-san was to you? The embodiment of just something pathetic as vengeance?
( really think hard on it, because yes, he is irritated, and yes, he's offended that the other would say something so thoughtless. it doesn't make sense. if he ever asked what noah's hope was, it should be obvious, just like clamor's own hope had been.
the ultimate remembers those words, he called it a pure love of why noah would react, of why he would want to kill if someone took clamor away, and yet... that love seems lost in translation. vengeance...
ha, how funny. )
Get over yourself, Ebalon-kun.
no subject
[However pathetically, his voice cracks on that last note; as if on instinct, he lashes out with magic, though he's not aiming to kill or maim β the whip of shadow strikes the wall near Komaeda's head. It's something Noah might feel bad about in any other circumstance; he normally doesn't lose control so easily.]
Clamor was my friend, he was my family, not like I expect you to understand what that even means to me in the first place! Don't you dare accuse him of meaning that little to me.
[Noah has only ever lived for vengeance in the past β starting with Harque and now clearly continuing on with Clamor. Neither of which he's been able to avenge, however ironic that is, for someone who talks only of that.
But he's here now, and there's no one to kill in the name of vengeance, so what then? What does he do other than throw a fit and cry and scream and wish he were dead? He thinks back to all of the times he's felt absolute misery at the death of a fellow exchange student and takes a deep breath. If he were stronger, he could have protected them, right?
Like how he protected them from Hyde.]
I fight... not because I want to live, but because I want others to be able to live. Here, and back home, that's what motivates me to carry on even when it gets too unbearable to live β I want to stop people like Henir's Order and people like Hyde from fucking everything up for others all over again. That's why I carry on. For people like you and Nene and Stephanie and everyone else β the last thing I want is to see you suffer.
...I got my start from wanting revenge for my brother, but I know that I can save others too.