The price that I pay to survive seems so high

[silentabyss]

WHO: Noah & You!
WHAT: September Catch-all
WHERE: Around :)
WHEN: Month of September
WARNINGS: Self-harm, suicide attempts, PTSD, general angst, literally none of the threads in here are going to be happy folks I don't know what to say



Unfortunately, they've been separated.

All prompts listed are OPEN unless stated otherwise and trigger-tagged appropriately in the headers. This is literally the saddest shit I've ever written y'all. I cannot be sued for emotional damages.

Feel free to wildcard on this log too, with the caveat being that the thread must be sad, because this is the sad log for sadness.

Comments

[silentabyss]

I haven't forsaken him!

[From rage to dismay to rage again, that's how Noah's expression fluctuates at that accusation — he'd never forsake Clamor, never in a million years. It always felt like it was the other way around, that Clamor never needed him, that Noah was always too dependent on Clamor for everything. It was always Noah pushing things, always Noah sticking his nose into places he didn't belong — like Seven Tower, something he really never bothered to share that he did in the first place.

But never, never in Noah's life, would he think to forsake Clamor.]

He was the only family member I had left! Why would I do that to him?!

[The accusations make no damn sense to him, not until he thinks on it more — surely him wanting to die isn't forsaking Clamor?

Noah gets the feeling, after a moment, that somehow that's exactly what Komaeda meant.]

I don't want you to humour me or clean up my messes. Honestly, I've never gotten your definition of "hope" before. I hope I kill whoever did this. But I've never understood how you define it, and maybe that'll piss you off, but I don't care. My "hope" or whatever you're always on about is that I get vengeance on whoever killed Clamor, and that's not a lie or an excuse. It's what I want.

[commences]

Hope isn't anything that lackluster, hope is what you keep going for, what drives you — what made you move forward, that when you're back was against the wall, what brought you to overcome that! Vengeance is simple, easily discarded once you get what you want, Ebalon-kun! ...Are you depressed or just an idiotic child throwing a tantrum?

( the last thing komaeda will do is humor him, and the other last thing he'd do is clean up messes that the other create. he hasn't from the beginning, and he won't do it now, so to listen to him say something so... hopeless, komaeda can't stand it. he's been with noah too long to hear him speak like this, it doesn't match the noah that spoke to him in front of nao's case, it doesn't match the one that held onto nene during ishimaru's deathmatch. )

That is not your hope, I want to know what you're fighting for! ...Is that all Clamor-san was to you? The embodiment of just something pathetic as vengeance?

( really think hard on it, because yes, he is irritated, and yes, he's offended that the other would say something so thoughtless. it doesn't make sense. if he ever asked what noah's hope was, it should be obvious, just like clamor's own hope had been.

"noah has his own goals to worry about, too. and he wouldn't leave me behind in a hellhole like this. just because i have a body here doesn't make it any better... we're partners, we leave together."

the ultimate remembers those words, he called it a pure love of why noah would react, of why he would want to kill if someone took clamor away, and yet... that love seems lost in translation. vengeance...

ha, how funny. )

Get over yourself, Ebalon-kun.

[silentabyss]

Shut up!

[However pathetically, his voice cracks on that last note; as if on instinct, he lashes out with magic, though he's not aiming to kill or maim — the whip of shadow strikes the wall near Komaeda's head. It's something Noah might feel bad about in any other circumstance; he normally doesn't lose control so easily.]

Clamor was my friend, he was my family, not like I expect you to understand what that even means to me in the first place! Don't you dare accuse him of meaning that little to me.

[Noah has only ever lived for vengeance in the past — starting with Harque and now clearly continuing on with Clamor. Neither of which he's been able to avenge, however ironic that is, for someone who talks only of that.

But he's here now, and there's no one to kill in the name of vengeance, so what then? What does he do other than throw a fit and cry and scream and wish he were dead? He thinks back to all of the times he's felt absolute misery at the death of a fellow exchange student and takes a deep breath. If he were stronger, he could have protected them, right?

Like how he protected them from Hyde.]

I fight... not because I want to live, but because I want others to be able to live. Here, and back home, that's what motivates me to carry on even when it gets too unbearable to live — I want to stop people like Henir's Order and people like Hyde from fucking everything up for others all over again. That's why I carry on. For people like you and Nene and Stephanie and everyone else — the last thing I want is to see you suffer.

...I got my start from wanting revenge for my brother, but I know that I can save others too.