yogen | The price that I pay to survive seems so high

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The price that I pay to survive seems so high

WHO: Noah & You!
WHAT: September Catch-all
WHERE: Around :)
WHEN: Month of September
WARNINGS: Self-harm, suicide attempts, PTSD, general angst, literally none of the threads in here are going to be happy folks I don't know what to say

Unfortunately, they've been separated.

All prompts listed are OPEN unless stated otherwise and trigger-tagged appropriately in the headers. This is literally the saddest shit I've ever written y'all. I cannot be sued for emotional damages.

Feel free to wildcard on this log too, with the caveat being that the thread must be sad, because this is the sad log for sadness.

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[The question of why he's alive still linger in the back of his mind. What does he have that's worth keeping? The friends he's made here... they'll have to live without him eventually anyhow, right? When they're all allowed to go home, if that day ever comes. Noah's a burden upon others, not enough, never enough, a cursed boy whose only talent is fucking things up. People who get close to him die after a time anyway, always leaving him behind in the end.

So, why is he alive? What's the point? To take revenge for people who already died, who are never coming back? What will his vengeance even do? In the end, perhaps, it's just closure — closure that, at this rate, he's never going to get. And even if he were to get it, if he were to kill Clamor's murderer, some things just don't go away.

Noah decides then that he'll do everyone a favour. He's better off dead. People can live without him. A horrendously bitter part of his brain reminds him that Clamor already had, before...

Well. Before.

And what use was Noah in stopping what happened? Zero. His partner, his best friend, the one family member he had left — dead. Dead, because Noah's cursed, because Noah didn't stick around, because — because of so many reasons that he doesn't care to recount. Somehow, in the end, everything is his fault, isn't it? He's pathetic and he knows it.

The never-ending silence of death would be better than staying alive.

Perhaps you witness it from the clock tower doorway. Perhaps you arrived sooner, to track Noah wandering the halls with a kitchen knife in his hands — where could he possibly be going with that? But no matter at what point you arrive, you're already too late; Noah closes his eyes and, holding the knife to his throat.

Then, he pauses, like maybe he doesn't want to, like he's second-guessing himself — but that lasts for a mere fraction of the second before he plunges the knife into his neck, gurgling and choking on blood as it gushes to the floor, the copper tang filling the air.

Blood touches the floor, and the school starts to change as it always does, then—

Then, you're not in the void, and the scene is the same as it was seconds earlier: Noah holding a knife to his throat. Only this time... this time, he lets out a shout of frustration and hurls the knife halfway across the clocktower, where it clatters uselessly against the floor with a metallic clang and skids to a stop.

Noah holds his head in his hands for a moment before he pinches the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger. He's cursed, you see; can't even kill himself to end the pain, not without time rewinding and reviving him.

The question becomes, are you going to try to stop him before he tries again?]

( it's like a hiccup in reality, vertigo, something repetitive, and when his eyes fell upon it, he thought of it as a quick kill, and that the body would remain on the ground. that's not the case, it feels like what he experiences with add when he places his seal — time breaking, correcting itself, and then bringing him back a second before anything happens. as much as he would accept such an act from add when making it useful, to catch noah of all people —

his attempt almost reads like a weakness to him, and the ultimate finds the expression on his face souring — a frown, his eyes sharp as he watches the other, and he can't even make out the taste of disgust that appears on his tongue. )

Ebalon.

( his voice clipped, a sigh right after as if disappointed, and maybe komaeda-arata is. he watches the other, and his hand settles on his own waist as he tries to put everything together, but it's easy, noah's always been so easy to read: he's that distraught, so bothered, feel like he's at a loss from losing clamor. he already knew how much that person meant to him, and he know how much noah meant to clamor, and it's not like komaeda-arata hasn't witnessed it. he remembers clamor telling komaeda-arata to stay away from his son, he recalls it well because he was a bad influence, that he was corrupting noah. )

Even after everything I've taught you... You're incapable of holding onto that, too...

( but it's not like komaeda-arata will praise a kill that's so hesitant, one that's afraid from seeing it through, and he scoffs right after. )

Edited (u know i said noah should have seen it thru so i gotta see it through myself im so sorry) 2021-09-17 02:11 (UTC)

[He jumps like a foot in the air from where he's sitting down, empty hands instinctively flying out to grab onto his arms thereafter, wrapping himself in a protective hug. Like a child getting caught doing something they shouldn't, and perhaps that's what this is, what with that disappointed tone and all.

For what it's worth, Noah starts crying the moment he's spoken to, tears running down his cheeks. He's not a scream-crier, not normally, not like he was that day in the pool house where he shrieked and sobbed with his face buried in Clamor's chest until his lungs gave out. It's silent today, the sort of tears that only fall from one's eyes when they're beyond tired, beyond furious, and beyond... well, dead inside.]

Holding onto what? The will to live I was lying about having?

[Perhaps, back then, when he fought Hyde, his final thought was that he wanted to live. Above everything else, he had someone to return to; vengeance to be wrought upon Dantalion for killing Harque years ago back home. Things to do. People to save. Someone to love when all else was lost.

But such things were for naught, in Noah's mind; how could he expect Clamor to live, knowing just how cursed Noah is? Everyone he knows is fated to die because of him. It's just his luck.]

I'm well aware you lacked the will to live, and you found excuses as to why you should —

( he's quick to reply, taking a few steps towards noah before stopping, and sigh leaves from his lips in thought. he's always known that noah could be weak, that he needed something to latch onto, anything that gave him a resason to ignore all the pain from before. )

Look at you... is this the sort of person that could have saved Clamor-san before his last moments... ( not that komaeda-arata has a reason to care about clamor aside from his hope, but that flame has been snuffed out as easily as it burned. ) You could at least respect him as a stepping stone, but here you are, being nothing more than a disgrace by attempting to kill yourself in a hopeless manner.

( he's scolding him, he is, and that's because everything he's seen from noah doesn't add up to this on the outside, but inside... he's slowly crumbling, piece by piece. )

What growth comes from this, in a way, you were dragging him down... ( they dragged each other down for komaeda-arata has said the same thing to the half-elf, how he'd be the reason noah would die, and what do you know as he stands here today. ) Or he was on a different path than you... considering you're unable to walk on your own...

( he does decide on a question to pose to the other: )

Do you want that to be true?

[Well, so much for the previously-extinguished rage that had coiled in his chest days earlier when he was still upset enough to want to rain hellfire down upon the murderer; Komaeda's accusations, his scolding, reignites the cold-burning flame of fury with perhaps too much ease.

Noah's never been able to save anyone, so why would he be able to save Clamor? How many lives had he been unable to protect? Over the months, his motivation to try had been slipping, waning; most of their family meetings usually left him curled up in the corner trying to process his grief, and when that wasn't enough, he'd break down in the library back when it was still silent where no one could hear him.

The look he gives Komaeda at that is much, much more full of life than Noah's felt for his entire stay at this school. If looks could kill, Komaeda would have been reduced to mere particles.]

What am I supposed to live for, exactly? I haven't been able to save anyone this entire time — I'm not strong enough. But I never wanted to drag Clamor down, and I — I made the mistake of trusting that he'd be safe when my back was turned, so I guess it was my fault in the end, wasn't it?

[The glare dies almost as quickly as it appeared, and Noah holds his head in one of his hands, as if he has a headache. Quietly, he adds,]

I've always wanted to walk on my own, but I don't know how. Especially not now.

I was aware your hope could crumble, but who knew it'd be like this...

( he sighs, rolling his eyes as he looks off to the side, yes, the expression noah wore weighs down on komaeda-arata, knowing that anything he says could make the boy snap, but he doesn't care. he's always placed himself in dangerous situations, and this one is as well, so he steps forward almost in a means to provoke the other, but not at him, but more at himself. )

Hm, could be your fault, couldn't be your fault, those sorts of questions mean nothing if you don't know — "I guess," that means nothing to me, all I care for is the hope that you provide, but even that is becoming tainted by your weakness...

( the ultimate likes noah, he's always engaged with the other during times that were good, and no good, and he doesn't know if he's ever seen noah properly smile. what he's seen is someone who held in their problems, he's witnessed his hope shake, has seen him cry, and feel alone. the only person he has to blame is himself for allowing such sadness to overcome him, to lead his life when he should use it to move forward, to give up being selfish and think of others. it's this cry for attention that causes komaeda-arata to look down on it — having saw the other try to kill himself, and then take it back...

a coward move, if he wants to die, then he should die, and not drag the rest of anyone else down. )

You're meant to use that death as a motivator... a step ladder to reach heights you never have, this sort of experience is rare, but it fuels your hope to prepare you for what comes next... Besides, you aren't ready for what comes after death, but if you are... kill yourself where you stand, Ebalon-kun. I doubt you will, because you realize that's nothing more than a hopeless, selfish, and boring death...

Edited 2021-09-18 20:41 (UTC)

[That's not quite it — a boring, mundane death would suit Noah well after all the shit he's gone through, he thinks. To die in his sleep to natural causes would be a blessing, wouldn't it be? Considering all of his other deaths have been violent and painful or just plain sad.

What stops Noah from grabbing that knife and doing it again is nothing more than the fact that he's not sure he wants to die, not entirely, though he's not sure what tethers him to this world. Is it fear? Is it vengeance? He still has much to take care of. He knows he's better off dead, and he's always thought of himself that way...

Komaeda's words have an effect on him. Does he actually want to die? Noah feels like he does, but he also feels like... he feels like he wants to live, if nothing else, for the people he lost. So, no, he doesn't pick up the knife and he doesn't try again, though a bitter laugh resounds in his chest at the comment.]

I can't die anyway. You saw it — my elder brother's time magic.

[The thing that got Harque Ebalon killed in the first place. Silenced for secrets he shouldn't have known.]

The only thing Clamor's death motivates me to do, [other than to try, repeatedly, to kill himself,] is to kill whoever did it. I don't know if it was one person, or several conspirators, but I want them to die. I want them to suffer as he did, and I want it to be by my hand.

...Is that the answer you're looking for?

( a sad and boring death would, but komaeda-arata wouldn't let noah have that luxury, and that's why he won't let him die. he's aware that the other is a coward, part of why he told the youth to just kill himself if he felt so keen on doing so — if the world is completely over to him, if he's lost all hope, then why stand before komaeda-arata to say worthless things which are a waste of their time?

it's because noah wants unspoken help, he needs someone to fix his problem so he can remedy the wound in his heart. to find someone that will validate his bloodlust that will keep him living unlike anything else. he feels he should speak on the magic used, but he chooses not to.

instead, he takes the opportunity to sneer, wondering if this is another excuse by yours truly. )

What I'm looking for? Don't be an idiot, why tell me what I want to hear? ( this hope isn't about him, this is hope that noah has to build for himself, the path he has to be sure to walk on. )

How you utilize Clamor's ( honorific dropped, annoyance is at a all time high. ) death will reflect the path that you walk, embrace it, ( he looks down on noah for ever thinking differently, but someone has to be honest, and pampering him will do nothing. ) or you're just a coward who let him down from the start, forsaken him the moment his name left from your lips...

( he drops his hands down by his side, thinking... )

I won't humor your lies... nor will I clean up your messes... if your hope ends here, you're better off dead than dragging everyone down because of your inadequacy...

As for your statement, is that your hope, or is that an excuse?

I haven't forsaken him!

[From rage to dismay to rage again, that's how Noah's expression fluctuates at that accusation — he'd never forsake Clamor, never in a million years. It always felt like it was the other way around, that Clamor never needed him, that Noah was always too dependent on Clamor for everything. It was always Noah pushing things, always Noah sticking his nose into places he didn't belong — like Seven Tower, something he really never bothered to share that he did in the first place.

But never, never in Noah's life, would he think to forsake Clamor.]

He was the only family member I had left! Why would I do that to him?!

[The accusations make no damn sense to him, not until he thinks on it more — surely him wanting to die isn't forsaking Clamor?

Noah gets the feeling, after a moment, that somehow that's exactly what Komaeda meant.]

I don't want you to humour me or clean up my messes. Honestly, I've never gotten your definition of "hope" before. I hope I kill whoever did this. But I've never understood how you define it, and maybe that'll piss you off, but I don't care. My "hope" or whatever you're always on about is that I get vengeance on whoever killed Clamor, and that's not a lie or an excuse. It's what I want.

Hope isn't anything that lackluster, hope is what you keep going for, what drives you — what made you move forward, that when you're back was against the wall, what brought you to overcome that! Vengeance is simple, easily discarded once you get what you want, Ebalon-kun! ...Are you depressed or just an idiotic child throwing a tantrum?

( the last thing komaeda will do is humor him, and the other last thing he'd do is clean up messes that the other create. he hasn't from the beginning, and he won't do it now, so to listen to him say something so... hopeless, komaeda can't stand it. he's been with noah too long to hear him speak like this, it doesn't match the noah that spoke to him in front of nao's case, it doesn't match the one that held onto nene during ishimaru's deathmatch. )

That is not your hope, I want to know what you're fighting for! ...Is that all Clamor-san was to you? The embodiment of just something pathetic as vengeance?

( really think hard on it, because yes, he is irritated, and yes, he's offended that the other would say something so thoughtless. it doesn't make sense. if he ever asked what noah's hope was, it should be obvious, just like clamor's own hope had been.

"noah has his own goals to worry about, too. and he wouldn't leave me behind in a hellhole like this. just because i have a body here doesn't make it any better... we're partners, we leave together."

the ultimate remembers those words, he called it a pure love of why noah would react, of why he would want to kill if someone took clamor away, and yet... that love seems lost in translation. vengeance...

ha, how funny. )

Get over yourself, Ebalon-kun.

Shut up!

[However pathetically, his voice cracks on that last note; as if on instinct, he lashes out with magic, though he's not aiming to kill or maim — the whip of shadow strikes the wall near Komaeda's head. It's something Noah might feel bad about in any other circumstance; he normally doesn't lose control so easily.]

Clamor was my friend, he was my family, not like I expect you to understand what that even means to me in the first place! Don't you dare accuse him of meaning that little to me.

[Noah has only ever lived for vengeance in the past — starting with Harque and now clearly continuing on with Clamor. Neither of which he's been able to avenge, however ironic that is, for someone who talks only of that.

But he's here now, and there's no one to kill in the name of vengeance, so what then? What does he do other than throw a fit and cry and scream and wish he were dead? He thinks back to all of the times he's felt absolute misery at the death of a fellow exchange student and takes a deep breath. If he were stronger, he could have protected them, right?

Like how he protected them from Hyde.]

I fight... not because I want to live, but because I want others to be able to live. Here, and back home, that's what motivates me to carry on even when it gets too unbearable to live — I want to stop people like Henir's Order and people like Hyde from fucking everything up for others all over again. That's why I carry on. For people like you and Nene and Stephanie and everyone else — the last thing I want is to see you suffer.

...I got my start from wanting revenge for my brother, but I know that I can save others too.

Hey!

[ This clocktower...is Crona's! It's dark, its quiet, its a perfect place to hide, and now that one guy from the meeting is here, holding a knife. Before Crona can whine about how hard to deal with this is, beyond the gloomy mood, the knife has already gone through Noah's throat. The world lurches around Crona as the blood hits the floor and they hold out their arms to steady themselves, ready to find themselves in the void, to look down at Noah's still body and ask him what he thought he was doing. His blood is red, which is normal, but red blood is meant to be inside your body unless you're killing someone.

The knife skids over to their shoe and they bend over to pick it up, holding the blade up to their eyes with a grimace. Does this count as stopping him?]

Woah. Weren't we just here? Or am I losing time again, and I'm just thinking about things I've never thought about. Ummm... I've never seen anybody attack themselves before...?

[It counts, by technicality. Tired eyes stare at Crona from where Noah sits. He doesn't bother to answer the first question — to explain the Moonstone would take time and energy Noah doesn't have and doesn't care to lend out in the first place. Instead, he focuses on the second.]

It's... it's called suicide. I was trying to kill myself. Clearly didn't work.

[It's put so bluntly, anyone who knows Noah better really would know he's fully lost it. But this is Crona, someone who Noah's been horribly blunt with in the past, someone he straight-up told to deck him without batting an eyelash. Perhaps to them, this is normal behaviour for him.

Either way, Noah's not thinking too much about that. Part of him wants the knife back so he can try again. A different part of him feels the pain from the first death throbbing in his neck, the wet spill of blood over his skin and clothes, and he decides against it. Dying is... uncomfortable. That's really the best way for him to describe it, dying as many times as he has.

In a way, this is all just another unconscious form of hurting himself for... repentance, maybe, is the closest word.]

You were only using a knife. You should try a bit harder if you want to die.

[ Looking at the knife again, the blade is pretty small. This couldn't kill Crona! If they wanted to kill themselves they'd have to work pretty hard. Maybe find some way to rip their soul out and attack it. That would be a lot easier then trying to destroy their own body.

If Noah hasn't even figured that out, maybe he's not as smart as Crona thought. They're about the same level of strength. ]

Uh-huh. Are you mad about that? Are you sad? If Maka died I think I'd kill myself, so I get it. Do you want some advice?

Do I want some advice for...

[Hello?

The problem is, that knife thing would've worked had his Moonstone not popped off with its very ancient time magic enchantment, and now Noah's back at square one waffling over saying "hey turns out I can't die because my brother 500 years ago gave me this neat rock that prevents it" or going "yeah okay".

So he opts for the latter, he supposes, since that's easier.]

...I... I guess?

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The price that I pay to survive seems so high

9/21, EVENING, CLOCKTOWER || cw: suicide, self harm mentions, time travel

cw: suicide mention

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they say i can fix him...i say...i can make him worse

please make him worse

tw for...suicide baiting? in a nice way?

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