yogen | The price that I pay to survive seems so high

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The price that I pay to survive seems so high

WHO: Noah & You!
WHAT: September Catch-all
WHERE: Around :)
WHEN: Month of September
WARNINGS: Self-harm, suicide attempts, PTSD, general angst, literally none of the threads in here are going to be happy folks I don't know what to say

Unfortunately, they've been separated.

All prompts listed are OPEN unless stated otherwise and trigger-tagged appropriately in the headers. This is literally the saddest shit I've ever written y'all. I cannot be sued for emotional damages.

Feel free to wildcard on this log too, with the caveat being that the thread must be sad, because this is the sad log for sadness.

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( "i don't want to be alive."

it echoes so strongly in her head because she knows there's a few times she's almost revoked her wish to hanako in this rotten place, but she can't, she can't, she has to keep going. there's an end to this and it's almost in sight, she knows it. but-

but-

nene clings all the harder, to be honest. )

W-What about the- the people who love you?

( it's weak and broken before she finally looks up at him, blinking away tears- )

I- I can't imagine how much this hurts, no one can, b-but this isn't- this isn't the way, it's not right-

You'd all be better off without me anyway!

[He doesn't mean to yell and lash out, but it just... happens without him really thinking. This is something he's held onto so long, telling himself every day to fight and live, and maybe at one point he decided he wanted to. At the end of the day, though, he's not dumb enough to assume that they're going to get out of here and that he's going to be able to see everyone he's connected with ever again, and he's not naive enough to assume no one else will die and leave him heartbroken, and he's not stupid enough to pretend that he isn't cursed — for what else could a boy who walks in the shadow of death believe about himself?]

I'm cursed. Clamor's dead. Who's to say you won't be next, or anyone else here? Everyone I've gotten close to has died. I can't keep waking up in the morning and pretending I'm fine anymore!

I don't care! You're my friend, and I want you in my life, Mr. Wolfe wants you, Stephanie and Sara all want you-

( she doesn't mean to yell back or to drop honorifics, but she does, teary eyed and forceful because maybe if she doesn't waver, clamor won't have to meet him in the tree- which she doesn't even think to mention in her panic. instead all she can think is that she can't let go. maybe if she can be strong enough, he'll realize. and if noah can't hold on, can't keep faith, then she will for him. even if sometimes she can't for the same for herself.

she doesn't let go. if she does, he'll slip away too. )

You don't have to be fine, no one is here, but we can't give up, you can't- there's a way out, I know there is!

Yeah, there's a way out, it's called dying!

[He... knows, deep down, that death isn't permanent here. Some part of him can distantly recall that — didn't Nao die? — but he's also not entirely sure if that's true or not, because no one that's turned up dead has come back in his time being here. Not Jekyll and Hyde, not Chihiro, not Madison, not Izumi — and let's not talk about the people who have been missing and have just simply never returned, who probably haven't even been discovered dead somewhere yet.

Noah knows nothing. Noah knows nothing and so, just like how it should be, he's going to believe death is permanent. Just a blanket of silence into eternity. That's all it is, right?

He presses the balls of his hands into his eyes, and it does nothing to stop the tears flowing. His voice is pathetically soft as he murmurs,]

I can't... I can't be alive to lose more people. Everything I was living for is gone. What if you leave me, too?

Do you really think that's the end in this place?! It's not, it's not even a break, its--

( nene stops, looking away sharply because- because even if she's right, perhaps being trapped in a hellish cycle of reliving your death and whatever else is appealing to him and his self-loathing right now and she's not going to fan that fire. because that's what clamor is experiencing right now.

and then he asks that, so quiet that anyone else might have to strain to hear it and her cling tightens. when she speaks, her voice wavers- from hurt? from anger? both? )

H-How dare you ask me that when you're trying to do the exact same thing to me.

[That, at least, gives him pause. Noah's the sort of kid who only thinks of himself when things get tough; how every single death somehow was his fault even if he was standing a mile away oblivious to it, just because someone knew him. It's a stupid, greedy train of thought, one he can't control but one that's present nonetheless. Even at this point, he's starting to realise how stupid he's been with that.

...the rest, though...

Is it really so stupid for him to want to stop breathing?]

I... I'm sorry, I... I wasn't... thinking...

[Somewhere in the back of Noah's mind, all he can think are the words, Please stop caring for me.]

Edited (html) 2021-09-21 00:32 (UTC)

... You're hurting. I know. B-but you don't- you don't get to ask 'what if someone else dies' when you're doing this. You don't. I-

( nene backs away a bit, only slightly, going from holding him to... holding his hand in her own, squeezing his fingers while she can't look him in the eye. )

D-do you know what 'nii' means? ( since he's surely heard her call izumi, hajun and hinata that. ) it's... it's short for nii-san, which means older brother.

( they were family too. not for as long as he and clamor, but... but they were hers, and even if hinata's still alive, he doesn't remember the month's they've spent together like this.

she remembers a promise to find each other, when they escape. he doesn't. )

W-we've all lost family, and friends... you aren't alone in this. B-but you can't ask that while trying to make yourself the latest one lost- it. It's not fair to us.

( and then she looks up at him, heartbroken and fierce and tear-streaked with those little pink scales starting to show themselves at the corner of her eyes- )

Or do you think we should follow you, too?

Edited (code goof....) 2021-09-21 23:36 (UTC)

...no, I... I don't want you to.

[He inhales, however shakily, and shakes his head. No, he doesn't want others to die; he'd never planned to drag those he cares for down with him. He just wants a break, and if that break is found in the silence of the black abyss, so be it.

Or... that's what he thought, anyway. Honestly, he still thinks it, but...]

I just want a break, [his voice cracks, a pitiful little squeak in the middle of his words,] that's all. I'm tired of being alive. I don't think I ever won't be tired of being alive. I don't know how I can be. It... it doesn't mean I want you to follow me...

...

I don't want you to be sad if I die. I'm... me.

[Never enough for anyone, never able to save the people he wants to save, never able to complete vengeance against those who wronged him. All around, Noah is simply a failure.]

I know. I do too, but... I don't want to lose you too.

( he's too precious to her, too. and she doesn't know how to help him- what to do for him. all she knows is that everything feels like it's ringing loudly, there's a knife on the floor at their feet, and quietly nene lets go to pick it up, holding the handle firmly but the blade delicately.

she can't quite look him in the eye. )

You're you, yes. ... And that means... you're someone who's important to me. You're one of the first friends I made here... someone I love dearly.

I-I told you already... when you hurt yourself like this, you're hurting the people who care about you too...

[There's no response to that, not at first. Normally, Noah would be elated to hear that someone cares for him that much — the word love tossed around so openly yet so meaningfully — but today, that's not the case, because he simply wishes people would let him go.]

I... I know you did, but...

[But he doesn't know what else to do. He's been trying so hard to break the Moonstone's magic — digging in Clamor's spellbook for a clue, repeatedly trying to off himself in hopes that it would run out... Why did Harque want him to live so badly anyway? The man's been dead for five hundred years; can't Noah join him?]

...what do you want me to do, then?

To come to me, come to all of us! There are people who want to help, to be with you!

( but she stops, looking away almost like she's flinching. ... nene's quiet for a moment after that, before she puts the knife in noah's hands, and then curls her fingers around his own. she stares down.

and then she moves his hand, moves the knife, to her neck. the blade of it hovers just a hair's breadth away from her skin. if they aren't careful, something very bad could happen. )

If you want to do this to yourself... You have to get past me first. I'm not going to let you do this anymore.

Stop—

[He wants to jerk his hand away or try to drop the knife, but the way she's holding his hands and the knife to her neck — he might actually fuck her up if he moves too suddenly, though it's probably obvious to Nene how much his hands are shaking. Right now, he fears that his quivering hands are going to accidentally nick her with the knife.]

Stop it! What are you doing?!

[The horror in his voice matches the fear in his eyes, wide and full of tears — that she would go to this length scares him to death, more than anything else. Suddenly Noah feels sick to his stomach, and as much as he tries to, he can't think of ways to get free right now without risking Nene's throat, so—]

Let go of me!

( she does, letting the knife get thrown to the side again while she goes to hold him again, wrapping her arms around him and closing the distance.

she hurt him. she made those tears happen, and she's horrible- but... )

I won't! I won't let you go, because every time I let go of someone, they disappear! I won't let you be next! I won't let you do this to yourself, I'm tired of being left behind with only more pain to carry! I'm not letting you go!

( despite her heart pounding in her chest, the force of her words, the tears welling up in her own eyes- she's not yelling. if anyone walked in, they might struggle to hear, actually. but with her chin on his shoulder, she clings, and prays this time he truly hears her.

there's a stinging in her neck- maybe she was too hasty when she moved. fuck. she hopes he doesn't see it. instead, she moves, burying her face into his shoulder and letting the tears fall finally. )

[Oh— her breaking down on him has him breaking down on her in turn, burying his face against her hair and he's so so sorry that it's going to be a little damp in a few minutes. All he's good for is holding tight and hoping that maybe, even if they're just two dumb kids against the world, that they can come out of this alive.]

S-sorry... I'm sorry, Nene...

[He doesn't notice the cut on her neck, but if he finds out about it later, he still has the stolen gauze from the nurse's office from back when he and Hyde fought to the death — he'll wrap her wound if she needs it.]

I-I won't let you go e-either, okay?

[A promise said through hiccupping sobs, barely a whisper against her while he holds tight in case she drifts away too.]

You can't. S-someone's go to hold on to me, okay? Anything you do to yourself- you can't do it unless you do it to me, too. I'm not... I'm not letting go.

( her words are muffled against him, words hitching on her own breath as they try, try, try... that's all they can do here. try and keep trying even as the world crushes them. they'll get through it. they have to.

but for now, she just bawls into him, squeezing her eyes so tightly shut that she can't see blood on his neck anymore, and holds on like both of them will die if she lets go for even a second.

maybe they will. )

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The price that I pay to survive seems so high

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cw LOTS OF UNHEALTHY SHIT HERE BOYOS

:')

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