The price that I pay to survive seems so high

[silentabyss]

WHO: Noah & You!
WHAT: September Catch-all
WHERE: Around :)
WHEN: Month of September
WARNINGS: Self-harm, suicide attempts, PTSD, general angst, literally none of the threads in here are going to be happy folks I don't know what to say



Unfortunately, they've been separated.

All prompts listed are OPEN unless stated otherwise and trigger-tagged appropriately in the headers. This is literally the saddest shit I've ever written y'all. I cannot be sued for emotional damages.

Feel free to wildcard on this log too, with the caveat being that the thread must be sad, because this is the sad log for sadness.

Comments

[silentabyss]

[Noah is squished into the hug and that causes the dam to burst. At the very least, he has the forethought to push the spellbook away from him and turn into Sidney a bit, that way tears don't ruin the pages — previously waterlogged and dried out, then fallen into the dirt and smudged with grime. Around his neck is Clamor's pendant, which he hasn't taken off since that day; Noah's been collecting things, remnants of what he's lost, and they're always on his person.

Sidney's sad, too, and Noah knows. And Noah's good at deflecting, at least sometimes, even if he's the one crying in the end; it's the game he and Clamor always played. Why would either of them admit when something was wrong with them personally, when they could both avoid the burden of upsetting the other partner with their problems? It's feigned ignorance at best, to see something awry and pretend it doesn't exist.]

A-are you sad? [He hiccups between sobs.] Y-you loved him, didn't you...?

[wolfetracks]

I am. And I still do.

( all this love just for clamor, and no where to put it- so he'll carry it in his chest and hold onto it, and focus his energy onto noah. ... their boy. he can have his grief in lucifer's arms, but right now noah is lost and in pain and has probably been talking to that fucking cultist. but this isn't quite the time for anger. everything is too raw and everything stings so much more. )

But I love you, too. And I can't take away the pain, but I can be here at your side.

[silentabyss]

[A brief hiccup, followed by smaller hands clutching at Sidney's shoulders. Noah buries his face against Sidney's chest for a brief moment before he sniffles and draws away, wiping his eyes off on the backs of his hands. The tears don't stop, and new ones quickly replace the old.]

N-no one's e-ever— no one's ever told me that and meant it...

[wolfetracks]

Then I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner. I love you so much, Noah.

( and as he speaks, he tightens the hug how he can, and wishes he could hold him tight and stroke his hair, wishes he could lift the boy up more, wishes a lot of things. instead, he rubs noah's back softly, stays steady against his anguish. )

Let it all out.

[silentabyss]

[He does, at that; Noah has never been the type to hold back his tears, he's always been someone who cries openly and who yells and fights at every little thing. At the same time, he would've preferred to hold back, because some part of him still wants to toss away all of his problems and pretend they don't exist. This whole thing is an inconvenience, isn't it? Sidney has better things to do. Sidney's in mourning, too, so who is Noah to ask for comfort?

But he cries regardless, until his tears run out and until he's just fucking tired, because as it turns out you don't sleep after a family member dies — and it's not like Noah was much of a sleeper anyway.

His arms sting. The fresh cuts rub against Sidney's clothes while he's clinging, and he recoils a bit after a moment to stare down at the rawer ones. All those trips to the void to just get a break...]

[wolfetracks]

( this isn't the first time sidney's held noah as he bawls his heart out. he suspects that in a place like this, it won't be the last, either. the only thing he hates about it is that noah feels this way at all, truthfully. for all his failings in this place, he can at least do this.

as noah cries and cries, sidney holds him close, rubbing his back. he doesn't give any gentle shushes or 'it'll be okays' because it isn't, and maybe for a while it won't be. but he can rub noah's back, smooth out his hair. when noah flinches, looks down at raw, fresh wounds, sidney's heart breaks though- again, for who knows how many times this month. but when he speaks, his voice is gentle as he leans down, gently taking one of noah's hands in his. )

Noah... you have to stop this. I can't lose you, too.

[silentabyss]

It's...

[He makes a face through the tears, breaths hiccupping while he tries to pick his next words, tries to explain.]

It's quiet in the void. Time's stopped and I don't have to go to class or think about this whole "graduating" thing that I'm not even sure matters...

[Because it really, truly doesn't matter, not to him, not right now.

If Sidney were to look up at Noah's notebook — situated just under Clamor's spellbook, halfway off the desk due to lack of space — it'll tell Sidney what he's been up to, reading as he had been. The top margin of the page is scrawled with the words "how to break time magic"... and there's nothing else on the page, but Noah's been looking.]

[wolfetracks]

Noah. Please, look at me.

( and he crouches, waits for noah to look him in the eye. because yes, he did see. and he remembers what noah's said, told him. what's been happening constantly since the day clamor... ... was found. )

I know it's hard- it's painful. ... More than anything. But he wouldn't want this for you.

( only now does he let go of the hug, gently stroking noah's head as he speaks- he meant it when he said he viewed noah as a son. ... and now, regardless- even if... noah resented him for not noticing, he isn't going to change that. it's not like he can blame him if he does, anyways.

he's not sure he'll ever be brave enough to ask, even without a far more immediate problem. )

[silentabyss]

Well... that doesn't matter much now, does it? He's not here.

[And for the last several weeks, he wasn't. So what did it matter? He should've been smarter. He should've paid more attention, he should've been better but he wasn't. No matter how Noah looks at it, he failed in more ways than one.

Everything always comes back to him, doesn't it? How he feels, how he's upset, how he's the cursed one. Inwardly, he curses himself; he has the power to make everything about him in the end somehow, doesn't he? Horrible. Horrid, awful child.]

I just want a break. That's all...

[wolfetracks]

... No. He's not. ... But I am.

( but is that enough? ...

sidney pulls him close again, far tighter this time. his eyes sting- burn, even- but he doesn't let noah see. )

I know. I do, too. But harming yourself- or further... all it's going to do is transfer the pain to the people who're still here. I'm not asking you to carry the burden of that pain, but to work with us to heal, together.

I'm not him. I know I'm not. I can't replace him- and I don't want to. But... what I said last month. It hasn't changed.

[silentabyss]

You don't have to be him, that's not what I... what I meant...

[Sidney is fine as Sidney. Sidney's always been fine as he is; Noah didn't start calling him dad that day for nothing. He stares down at his arms again, and then — as if guilty — flips the spellbook closed.]

I just... I don't know what to do. What are you supposed to do? The only thing I can think of is... is just... taking a break in the void for a bit.

[Like how he used to break down alone in the library, back when it was silent. It's the same thing, just... one of them has resulted in more permanent damage.]

[wolfetracks]

If you need a break, seek me out. I'll take care of you. I promise.

( it's a soft, earnest plea and a promise as said all at once. )

IF you can't find me, you have people who will let you rely on them, rest with them. You aren't a burden to me or anyone else.

[silentabyss]

But I always need a break.

[And that's just the truth in the matter. Noah isn't usually the kid who thinks of himself as needing to slow down — he's the type to walk ever forward until it literally kills him. Here, he's got no choice but to acknowledge the fact that he needs a break, since there's not really a "next goal" for him to shoot for like on Elrios.

Here, he's got no choice but to accept the fact that he just wants the world to stop for a bit and leave him alone.]

I can't expect everyone to be there all the time. And even if someone is... it's just going to be annoying every time.

[wolfetracks]

For us? Not at all. You- especially when you need help- could never be annoying. You're too harsh on yourself, Noah.

( finally, sidney drags a chair over to sit down, sighing slowly as he does. even with a month of beds, more months of floor have left it's damage. ... but that's not the important part. )

... You aren't some burden to carry, son. You're someone who needs healing, and the time to do that. The place to do that. This school won't allow it- not on it's own. But I want to help you. And once we escape, I want to give you a kinder world. But I can't force anything.