yogen | (closed) watch me dissolve, slowly.

["there were probably plenty of people that were very happy when you died," she will write in her diary tonight, "so let me be the only person who is sorry."]

He's the worst liar out of everybody here... But, I guess I'll listen. What's the other way? Because we both know I didn't get this thing from killing somebody.

( he wouldn't know the emotions that came from his death, and it's not like he'd asked... he wouldn't ask, it's fine for people to feel joy, because to him he was... angry... when he died, taken aback, but he did what was to be done. )

...A liar? Is he... He is, but aren't we all liars... I think you should trust him a little more. ( well, komaeda-arata's honest, he doesn't know about everyone else. )

Dreams. ( he hums. ) And they're capable of unlocking fantasies, to think something so innocent could do that...

[rolls eyes] Did you already forget our day at the pool? I wouldn't trust him farther than I could throw him.

...

Komaeda, don't be a dummy. You can't die in dreams. He's obviously lying to you to cover up the fact that he's killed a whole bunch of probably innocent people for no good reason.

Maybe, or maybe I didn't... hm... you were both upset, and watching that made me wonder why hope can't build by being together... I just have to try harder.

( he laughs, though, he places his hands on the seat of his lap, rocking back and forth. )

...He's an idiot, and I'm sure he's aware I'm a murderer myself, so it'd make no sense for him to hide it... because... I have tallies to prove that I've died in a dream... my bones broke, reconnected, and broke again...

He's bad for you. [she sits up suddenly, expression hard.] He's mean. He doesn't treat you like friends should treat friends - like how I expect people to treat my friends. And if I ever see him near you again, I'm gonna punch his teeth out of his mouth.

[sorry did you want to talk about dreams this is actually the thread where the preteen performs an intervention.]

Now, now... it could be that he doesn't see me as a friend at all, and I'm not upset about that. It's fine, even if he's inconsiderate of me...

( he's trying to think of how friends should act, but komaeda-arata doesn't have any to compare it to — not going to say that aloud with stephanie right here. )

You've changed... I didn't think you'd be protective over someone like me... you should save that energy for someone who deserves it.

You have to stand up for your friends. That's one of the most important things a friend can do. [she has changed. she doesn't like the changes. but, this isn't home. and maybe you have to be a little mean sometimes, in the service of being kind in other ways.]

I don't know if I can ever convince you that you deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be treated kindly. So, I'm just gonna keep treating you kindly, and trying to make you happy, and maybe, one day, it'll stick.

What's hope to you, Stephanie?

( is it her friends? is it her home? is it that little diary that he stole that had all her thoughts inside? what is it that makes her act this way, what motivates her to move forward, and what enabled her change though needed? )

If it's my happiness you're curious about... if starts with your hope...

( bring nice to him, treating him with kindness... there's no reason to, he's scum to this world, trash discarded and long forgotten about. those sort of feelings would be wasted on him, so why not direct it all towards her hope? )

Hope is... trying to make the world the kind of place I'd like to live in, and then living in it. That's why we can't see eye to eye on that, I think. You think hope can come from death. I think it only comes from life.

Death only means something because of the life attached to it, right? It's life, all the way down. And I think you deserve to have one. Because everybody does.

Hope can come from anything.

( he watches stephanie, maybe it's time to expand on some things — life, death, despair... all that can bring about a bountiful hope. )

I know life can make hope, that's why I cherish those who live, and also the ones that die... they're both able to make something so beautiful... and it's why I...

( he saved rokkun that one time, he didn't want him to die... because his hope... komaeda-arata didn't want his hope to go. )

...

...

It's why I live to see everyone's hope, and why I'll die to ensure it'll stay in order...

There's not a single person here who'd find hope in you dying. [pause] Maybe they'd find... Glee seems like the right word? Or enjoyment. But, not hope.

Think about the people here, who died. The ones like us. Did Izumi being killed build Nene's hope? Did Kiyotaka's hope grow stronger when Maya made him kill that girl? Because it didn't. They were crushed. And the only thing that helped build it up again was friends, and kindness, and time spent together.

[she raises her hand, draws a lazy heart in the air with her finger.]

Every death set us one step back. Love got us through it, and one step forward. What use is a hope that can't do that?

...They weren't crushed, I believe it motivated them, they took that despair, and used it to move forward. It takes awhile, despair is also a stepping stone, but they made it...

( he looks at her, and with a smile, he leans towards her, wrapping his arms around the youth, like he's praising her for a good work. )

You made it as well! You've changed, and you've gotten stronger... death broke you, but now it's become the norm... you're prepared, and you know what to do if you're a witness to it.

( he lets go, leaning to the other side. ) Without death, none of you would have loved... is that what you mean?

... Komaeda. Even if that was true, all of it happened in spite of the deaths. Not because of it. And...

[she looks down at her hands]

I'm not stronger. I feel like... When you fix a broken table. It still works, kinda; it can still be a table. But, it's not as good of a table. It wobbles. It breaks easier. And that's just how it will always be. [so you get a new table. and leave behind the broken one.]

Death shouldn't be our norm! I shouldn't worry about every one of my friends dying, all the time. I shouldn't be worried about making more friends... because what if they're the next body? Or they make the next body...

[her eyes fix firmly on the floor] How can you tell me that I'm stronger in the bed I cry myself to sleep in every night?

So you're afraid of... losing people? It's not hard to make them your stepping stones, Stephanie. It's because of them that you're able to move forward and...

( he pauses as she continues on, his words are probably drowned out by her own thoughts and beliefs, but he watches her. his head cants to the side, and he settles his hands on his lap. )

You may not see it, but I do... don't we all see ourselves differently...?

( he won't give up on her though, he's seen someone who is about to break... he's seen the worst... he's seen what despair can do to a person. he doesn't think stephanie is despairing, and he believes each death will serve a better purpose —

he reaches out, his hand resting on stephanie's head. )

...Hope pulls, but sprite drives... I've heard.

... I guess we'll just never see what the other sees. Because I can't see people as anything but people.

[she closes her eyes, sighing.]

I told you to not talk to me like I'm a dumb little kid. And that means you have to be honest with me. As honest as you can be, anyway.

[she reaches up, clasps her hand around his wrist, but otherwise does not move to look at him. her eyes are still closed.]

Komaeda, am I dead? Tell me the truth. I can take it. [that's a lie.]

( she cannot see him, so she cannot see the way his smile shifts to a frown, the way his eyes drop as she asks him a question he knows the answer to. he's always been honest — cryptic, but honest. the expression doesn't remain for long as he thinks about her request to not treat her like a child, to avoid acting as if she some dumb little kid who doesn't understand.

...

there were difficulties at the start on how to proceed with her, what she should know, and what she shouldn't. she'll probably regret this, but it opens up many paths for her to learn and grow. )

I'll treat you like an adult, then.

( he says softly, his hand still attached to her, and he doesn't pull away. no, her grip is a reminder that this is reality.

it's a little sad, he liked playing the game of father and daughter. )

And adults have to find the answers for themselves...

( his thumb brushes against her head, moving a few pink locks as he waits for her to open her eyes — he knows that she's smart, she could figure it out, but what will she do when she does? to be dead, she doesn't know death herself — she's seen it, she can come to conclusions that someone back home killed her, that she's too healthy and active to just fall over and die. accusations will eat at her, and he wonders if doing this will be easier. he's testing, waiting, checking, is this him being responsible? he likes to think so. )

... Even you won't tell me. Even you... [so it really is that bad, isn't it.

the one mark. her tally. she'd gotten it here, hadn't she? after she had been kidnapped, before she had woken up. during the time that wasn't real to her.

she closes her eyes tighter, then opens them, blinking hard against tears she refuses to shed.]

... I wanna go home.

I want you to figure it out, and... how about this, talk it through with me. It'll be worth your while.

( talk to him, and if she can come to her own consensus rather than him just telling her straight out — then it's easier to migrate into it. stephanie's a smart girl, komaeda has always thought that, and it's why he's here now because she's aware, she looked into his words — she knew how to process them to come to that thought of are they dead. )

Let's lay down...

( he uses his other hand to shift stephanie onto her side so that she can lay on the bed, and komaeda will do the same too so that they're facing each other. he stares into her eyes, watching the way she blinks, and he searches for small droplets to appear in the corner of them. it's fine, adults can cry too. )

Why do you think you're dead?

( can't they all be dead? can't this be a shared hell for them all?

home is another story to indulge in. )

You only get these marks when deaths happen. Hyde got his because he killed people here. I'd never kill anyone... I know I wouldn't. So, it had to be...

[she grips the sheet next to her face.]

But, nothing bad would ever happen to me at home. I couldn't have... I would've been saved. It couldn't have happened there. So, what happened?

Don't think about dying or living, think about... how did you get here.

( white hair cascades over his eyes, hiding stephanie from view from time to time before he lifts his free hand, tucking them away behind his ear. )

We should start there first... considering all of this is just life and death... how are we here? How did we come here? We know our marks come from killing and dying, but...

( he sighs, looking at stephanie, maybe this will be good to work the thoughts in her brain, allow her to brew a conclusion on what does a person have to do to come here. )

Then I... I died. I would never kill, so I had to have died. Even if I don't remember it. It had to have happened, or I wouldn't be in a place like...

[she meets his eyes. she looks tired.]

Maybe I got caught in a trap and couldn't get out. Maybe I fell out of a tree and hit my head. Maybe the tree fell on me. Maybe I choked, or drowned, or burned, or maybe the train derailed and I never even made it to town, or maybe I...

[she's just going to keep reciting deaths with a completely blunted affect until he says something so.]

You have quite the imagination. If you believe that deaths are how you enter this school, then... who can say that you're wrong?

( what if dying in their sleep is part of the fall, what if she just didn't wake up before she fell? there's always that concept considering that's how rokkun's dream felt — the complete darkness when someone close their eyes, the rush when they fall... being able to gain tallies through dreams and memories, because the extra ten that komaeda has is proof of that. he'll move to roll onto his back, eyes looking up at the ceiling as he brushing his index and middle along his arm through the fabric of his jacket's sleeve. )

Mm... if that's the case, you can't be too harsh, because then everyone suffered the exact same fate, you know?

( with a smile, he tries to reassure her, but she is just a child, and if she believes this... )

I'll be as harsh as I want to be. Because I don't care if I died. I'm still going home. My friends, my uncle, Sportacus - the whole town needs me. I can't even imagine...

[Ziggy not, understanding, always asking when she's coming back. Trixie, lashing out; Pixel and Stingy, turning even further in. and whatever happened, the adults blame themselves. one even more than the rest.

she shakes her head, mouth set in a firm line.]

They always think the changelings died, too. But, they can escape Fairy, if they try. They can come back to their homes. And that's what I'm going to do.

We're all dead, Stephanie... to die is how we enter this school, but...

( he lifts his right arm, fingers press against the fabric of his jacket to rub at his marks — they're not as sensitive as they were at first, but gaining so many at one time does take a lot out of someone like him. his arm was sort, it felt like it was going to be ripped to shreds, and he looks at the female with a soft smile. )

...You'll go somewhere.

( when he spoke to rokkun who seems hellbent on dismantling the school, he had said something about taking everyone with him, and they can go wherever. it seems like he isn't willing to give his spot of going home to anyone else, and that means he's willing to leave komaeda here to drift in such an unknown realm. hm. ) ...I'll make sure of it.

( is that the right thing to say? it's not like he can really hide anything from her when she's adamant on understanding. she's doing better than most of the people here who wait for the answers to fall into their lap. )

It's why I was unsure of what your single tally means... can you come here without a tally, did it derive from a dream... someone's memory... ( he reaches out to grab her arm, his fingers gently running against her one mark... less than his. ) ...Did you want to keep it?

... I guess I have to. I can't take back whatever happened, even if I don't remember it. [she supposes she will, one day. she's not sure how soon she wants that to happen.

she shakes her head briskly, but doesn't move her arm away. under the single tally is the red lines of a two-petaled daisy.]

I don't want to go "somewhere." I'm going home. I'm going back alive. And I'm going back knowing that whatever this place did to us, it'll never be able to do it again.

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