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Entry tags:
- !event,
- blue exorcist: rin okumura,
- blue exorcist: yukio okumura,
- dangan ronpa: kiyotaka ishimaru,
- ensemble stars: subaru akehoshi,
- hanako-kun: nene yashiro,
- identity v: helena adams,
- mass effect: jane shepard,
- mass effect: tali'zorah vas normandy,
- mo dao zu shi: meng yao,
- original: sidney wolfe,
- the world ends with you: yoshiya kiryu
September Event
Autumn Semester
✽ School starts up again on August 30, and club supplies resume being replenished at the start of each week.
✽ All character run clubs survive the vetting process. Maya gives the jar of dragonflies to Hiro, who hot potatoes it to Nao, who opens the jar and sets them free outside. Maya will also tell Add that if his club damages any more of the school, she will shut down the Robotics & Programming Club. The cultists are delighted with their gifts and play rock-paper-scissors to determine who gets to keep what.
✽ The science club is shut down and disbanded due to their club project being interrupted and therefore incomplete, and the door to the lab will not open to any student. The club may be reinstated in the winter semester, and will be open to all students regardless of grade level.
✽ Posted all around the school are colorful posters painted by somebody who has no sense of color theory nor any idea what racoons, manta rays, or zebras look like. They advertise the student store, and its newest attraction:
✽ There is now a gacha machine set up outside the student store, which only takes tokens provided by the shopkeeper. Tokens are 1000 yen or 10 merit points each, and 99.99999% of the prizes are normal boring rocks, but there is a miniscule chance of winning rare gemstones. If you return 100 empty gacha capsules back to the shopkeeper for recycling, they will give you one free token.
✽ All character run clubs survive the vetting process. Maya gives the jar of dragonflies to Hiro, who hot potatoes it to Nao, who opens the jar and sets them free outside. Maya will also tell Add that if his club damages any more of the school, she will shut down the Robotics & Programming Club. The cultists are delighted with their gifts and play rock-paper-scissors to determine who gets to keep what.
✽ The science club is shut down and disbanded due to their club project being interrupted and therefore incomplete, and the door to the lab will not open to any student. The club may be reinstated in the winter semester, and will be open to all students regardless of grade level.
✽ Posted all around the school are colorful posters painted by somebody who has no sense of color theory nor any idea what racoons, manta rays, or zebras look like. They advertise the student store, and its newest attraction:
✽ There is now a gacha machine set up outside the student store, which only takes tokens provided by the shopkeeper. Tokens are 1000 yen or 10 merit points each, and 99.99999% of the prizes are normal boring rocks, but there is a miniscule chance of winning rare gemstones. If you return 100 empty gacha capsules back to the shopkeeper for recycling, they will give you one free token.
Setting Updates
✽ The right fourth floor hallway will be cleaned up during the first few days of school, with the gorinto rocks lined up against the walls on either side, and enough structural support is done so the hallway is in no danger of collapsing.
✽ The rooftop on the right side of the school can be accessed via the stair up from the end of the fourth floor hallway. The rooftop on the left side of the school can be accessed via the windows on the fourth floor, where you have to lean out the window and pull yourself up somehow. The two halves of the roof are separated by the clock tower, and there is no railing. There are concrete dividers sectioning out part of the right side into what may have once been a rooftop garden.
✽ Touching the track for more than 2 seconds results in permadeath. If you're able to jump over the track to the field, the grass is lush and green, although it gives more than expected, like a lawn after rain.
✽ There are six ball courts with height-adjustable poles for tennis and volleyball. Very old, falling apart equipment can be found in storage in the auditorium, while brand new ones can be purchased from the student store. The courts are surrounded by 10-foot fall chain link electric fence both between and around them, with a voltage high enough to cause severe burns to death, depending on the duration of contact. Electricity flows through all parts of the fencing except the door handle on the side of each court to enter.
✽ The indoor swimming pool contains separate girls and boys changing rooms, each consisting of 5 changing stalls, 2 showers, a bathroom, and 20 small lockers that do not come with their own locks but you can purchase one from the student store. Swimsuits, floaties, and towels can also be purchased from the student store. The pool is 25 meters by 25 meters, with a shallow end of 3 ft which then drops precipitously towards the deep end, where a flimsy diving board is set up. The deep end seems to continue down for thousands of meters, with light quickly disappearing and pressure becoming immense, and there is no bottom. The water is held at a constant lukewarm, and is very very slightly tinged pink. It tastes strongly of saltwater. The only windows are located on the ceiling like a skylight rather than on the walls, and lights shut off at 6pm, so it is pitch black after sundown. The pool is always open.
✽ The dormitory is open to be moved into, with rooms assignments being ICly first come first served. There is no Resident Assistant in charge. It's a lawless land. Please use the toplevel below for sign-ups.
✽ The rooftop on the right side of the school can be accessed via the stair up from the end of the fourth floor hallway. The rooftop on the left side of the school can be accessed via the windows on the fourth floor, where you have to lean out the window and pull yourself up somehow. The two halves of the roof are separated by the clock tower, and there is no railing. There are concrete dividers sectioning out part of the right side into what may have once been a rooftop garden.
✽ Touching the track for more than 2 seconds results in permadeath. If you're able to jump over the track to the field, the grass is lush and green, although it gives more than expected, like a lawn after rain.
✽ There are six ball courts with height-adjustable poles for tennis and volleyball. Very old, falling apart equipment can be found in storage in the auditorium, while brand new ones can be purchased from the student store. The courts are surrounded by 10-foot fall chain link electric fence both between and around them, with a voltage high enough to cause severe burns to death, depending on the duration of contact. Electricity flows through all parts of the fencing except the door handle on the side of each court to enter.
✽ The indoor swimming pool contains separate girls and boys changing rooms, each consisting of 5 changing stalls, 2 showers, a bathroom, and 20 small lockers that do not come with their own locks but you can purchase one from the student store. Swimsuits, floaties, and towels can also be purchased from the student store. The pool is 25 meters by 25 meters, with a shallow end of 3 ft which then drops precipitously towards the deep end, where a flimsy diving board is set up. The deep end seems to continue down for thousands of meters, with light quickly disappearing and pressure becoming immense, and there is no bottom. The water is held at a constant lukewarm, and is very very slightly tinged pink. It tastes strongly of saltwater. The only windows are located on the ceiling like a skylight rather than on the walls, and lights shut off at 6pm, so it is pitch black after sundown. The pool is always open.
✽ The dormitory is open to be moved into, with rooms assignments being ICly first come first served. There is no Resident Assistant in charge. It's a lawless land. Please use the toplevel below for sign-ups.
Autumnal Equinox
✽ September 23 marks the autumnal equinox. Like during the Vernal Equinox, students spend the week cleaning the school and gorintos are set upon the windowsills. Touching a gorinto causes the character to fall into a trance and experience the moments prior to death of the person being honored, up to and including the death, with all the physical and emotional pain that comes with it.
✽ On the morning of the equinox, red spider lilies bloom all across the courtyard and deep into the forest seemingly overnight. From the clock tower or rooftop, characters are able to see the forest surrounding them on all sides is entirely covered in the red flowers up to the crest, as if the entire land were awash with blood.
✽ The wisteria tree starts to shed petals, only a handful a day and impossible to notice compared to the hundreds upon thousands of petals held aloft by the tree, if it weren't for the fact that wherever a petal drops and touches the ground, the grass and flowers in the immediate vicinity are all dried up and dead.
✽ The void continues to grow, expanding outward and reaching up into the floor above.
✽ On the morning of the equinox, red spider lilies bloom all across the courtyard and deep into the forest seemingly overnight. From the clock tower or rooftop, characters are able to see the forest surrounding them on all sides is entirely covered in the red flowers up to the crest, as if the entire land were awash with blood.
✽ The wisteria tree starts to shed petals, only a handful a day and impossible to notice compared to the hundreds upon thousands of petals held aloft by the tree, if it weren't for the fact that wherever a petal drops and touches the ground, the grass and flowers in the immediate vicinity are all dried up and dead.
✽ The void continues to grow, expanding outward and reaching up into the floor above.
OOC
✽ Characters in classes 1-B, 1-D, 1-E, 2-C, and 3-E (classes who rose at least one rank in August) find that in the void school, they can start to see the void students' faces instead of them being completely shadow. They look scared, angry, resigned, anything but happy.
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( that's a given, half of the people here have to prioritize themselves as what they are: stepping stone. as of now, subaru is one of the many, an individual who lacks not an ounce of hope, but if he plays his cards correctly... he could instill it into others... another underdog added to the ranks of those who believe they can do something.
his will is admirable, but he has to apply it in some way for komaeda-arata to actually notice him. )
They'll walk over us, use us as needed to reach the top of the monument before them... their beacon will shine brilliantly, and others can use that light of hope to bring about absolute good in a world that has no direction! ( if subaru means here, komaeda-arata hums a little tune, and then looks towards him with a small smile. )
I'll be used properly, so in the end... I won't be a thought that crosses your mind!
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Maddy, I'll still think about you no matter what happens to any of us. You're pretty unforgettable.
[there's like, a whole lot of things the other just Says that subaru doesn't get, thinks is dumb, so on and so forth, but he can at least recognize that as dumb as they are to himself they're important to komaeda. and hope is just one of those things. even if his understanding of hope and what it means feels at odds with subaru's own.]
What if they don't want to use you? Or any of us? Would you think their hope's less shiny than any of the others? Or are you gonna say that's their gracious nature, and that everyone steps on someone whether they wanna or not?
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he finds that he must be pretty forgettable, if those memories meant nothing.
that doesn't show rather its a thought he's accepted, a smile on his face as he hums. subaru's attempt is pretty good, in a way, they're gracious, but there's more to it. )
I wonder if it's so different where you and I come from...
( he won't answer the question because if subaru wants to know, he'll find out by his own means. )
Have you failed saving someone you cherished? ...We can work together, help everyone here so that their hope shines! It must be hard working alone, using your own happiness... won't you get tired?
( his attempt at changing the topic, but he pushes the door open to the dormitory so that they can step outside — sun's light brushing against their skin, the wind whispers secrets into their ears — flicks their hair. )
If they lose your smiles, you'll be in trouble.
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it's not. people's dreams are stepped on, trampled, and crushed without a second thought all the time. even trickstar ended up doing the same, careless in their march to the summit. but they don't like to, hated that they did, and never want to do it again; it's inevitable, sure, but it's something they detest with all their might.
... if only everyone could shine together, without stepping on anyone at all...
that's the ideal, isn't it? that's what trickstar's working towards, aren't they? that's what eichi-senpai believes too, isn't it?
... isn't it?
the warmth of the sun is a relief, a light in the dark spot of his mind clearing away shadows and chill-- but the brightness dizzies him and he clutches onto komaeda unexpectedly, hands gripping the other's arm you choose.]
I haven't failed anyone. [that's resolute, even if it's a moment before he says it.] There's no one I haven't been able to save, Maddy. And as long as I have people who believe in me, I won't ever lose my smile.
... Even if it's just one person out of millions who does, I'll shine for them.
no subject
the way subaru talks reminds him of something, or of someone, it's rather familiar, and he doesn't want to place his finger on it. he can't, not now anyway as there's a brief attachment that heavies the weight of one arm — the material is hard, thicker than human skin, his prosthetic that doesn't flinch nor brush the other off.
he's unable to feel his touch, all he knows if that there's a semblance of a tug, and that part of him is something he cut away a long time ago out of adoration, out of... love, one sided, but love all the same. now, he no longer feels on that side, doesn't know who needs him when they pull from that end... yet, the creation of it stems from hope, so even if they don't need him to be their foundation, at least hope manages to hold others up.
... )
That sounds like a perfect world, but... it's never that generous.
( or maybe it is, he lived a tragic life, he saw the ups and downs, and he lives with the consequences or perhaps... the lucky instances that he's able to gain. )
Are you prepared for the consequences? That one day... your light will be snuffed out from the amount of people who will suffocate you?
( he turns back, and he gives subaru a carefree smile without scorn or hate, almost like an understanding, or he waits for that. )
Because then... who will save you? A light that shines no longer has no use, but... you gave all you had, inflated their hopes, ah... would you even want to be saved?
no subject
subaru's face, when he turns, isn't bright or happy. it's not sad or mad either, it's picture perfect neutrality.
his gaze is a different matter, guarded and narrowed a little more than the usual wide-eyed idealist he seems to prize himself as. a summer afternoon heralding the seasonal storm, just beneath the surface. despite this, though, the poison's working through his system, dialating his pupils. a closed book with a transparent cover, titled: subaru akehoshi.]
I have someone who would, but it won't happen. I'll be the brightest star in the sky and I won't let anything or anyone swallow my light.
no subject
the ocean that sparkled as lights danced upon the surface at jabberwock, the waves that crashed into the rocks, into each other feels as restless as whatever thoughts brew through the youth's mind. )
I wonder if they'll be able to hold on without you...
( or will they subject themselves to it because he wasn't there? who knows. of course, he moves on: )
Such a bold claim... there's so many people to shine for, and yet you tend to dodge the questions about yourself — the state of your existence. Can you see your own light, or have you set in the darkness... becoming the light for others, and can't see what's before yourself?
( slowly, they'll walk past the wisteria as petals barely miss them, dance around their bodies... like they're protected by an invisible force on purpose. )
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-- sometimes not answering them is answer enough anyway. it feels like the start of a long, brain-picking conversation subaru really doesn't want to go through with komaeda, so he sighs loudly after a moment and slumps more against the beanstalk as they walk, watching the petals. there's an easier smile on his face, not unfamiliar to someone like komaeda i'm sure.]
... Jeez~, you sure ask some over the head questions, Maddy. No wonder you and Natsume get along so well, he's always talking about you, you know?
[let's change the subject... while he's focusing on the individual petals to keep the brightness of the sun from irritating him in a way it normally doesn't.]
no subject
He does what?
( does he want natsume talking about him? or does it just seem odd, he doesn't find natsume to be the type to bring him up — he and komaeda are always on opposing ends, but then he really thinks about it. he's a magician, but also he's a person who thinks about everyone around him. he's kinder, komaeda has seen it in various ways — how he stood up for someone like sora, but also called himself special despite coming from different place. when there were wishes on the board, he attempted for komaeda, along with others. )
...We're all peers, so it wouldn't be unusual. He's been here for quite awhile, but you're a newcomer, but if you know him... you'll adjust here quite well.
( leading them along, he walks crooked... diagonal considering subaru's weight is different from komaeda's, but he'll learn that the student is colder... than normal — likened a corpse, but he's always been that way. once they're officially past the wisteria, they come to the front doors of the school. )
Have you solved any mysteries while you've been here? ( which being here long enough subaru should know that this school is full of... odd, anyway, it's the same thing rokkun did to change conversation, guess he'll follow in those footsteps. )
no subject
subaru's been called overbearingly hot, his temperature running higher than others. while komaeda feels closer to the cool side of an unflipped pillow, without a trace of human warmth to it.
but they say that those with cold hands have warm hearts, so subaru'll hedge his bets on that in the end.]
... Huh? Oh, no. I oughta look into some of 'em though, 'cause I really like ghost stories and stuff like that... Have you?
no subject
...
when was the last time he was exposed to this sort of warmth of a human body like this, subaru's heat coming off in waves that compares well with his own. he doesn't mind the other pressed against him as he tries to think about what he knows, and doesn't. )
Do you remember the wisteria that we passed?
( he speaks softly, but asks just in case the poison works on subaru's brain making it buffer slow... you never know, anyway... he's willing to tell the adventures of his ultimates if he has to, besides... to know their accomplishments, to praise them because of how lucky they were to handle such efforts. it is exciting when he can talk about them and nothing else, considering their hopes shine brighter than anyone else's here. )
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[... nevermind he Learned things about it like his first week here in a lore speedrun from chiaki but he's been very good at repressing that when he snugs himself at the roots for an afternoon doze.]
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( you know. them. well, some people listen to the rain to fall asleep, so maybe the cries and griefs of dying individuals have the same effect. he didn't take subaru for the type. )
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[IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE HEARING SOMETHING]
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( he blinks, and then offers a smile. )
I haven't met them yet... I was told that he wanted to get them out, but I wonder if they're in pain, and even now you're ignoring them... ( he hums, leading the other towards the first flight of stairs. ) ...at least the hitodamas don't complain as much...
no subject
Wait... I wanna apologize for ignoring them~. Maddy, go baaaack~!
[he has to apologize... that sounds awful... he knows what it's like to be ignoring, subaru's slouching off-- off of komaeda, oh the world such a spin, okay maybe we just sort of stand here while we realize that poison is no joke]
no subject
( he'll actually turn around, pushing the doors back open so that they're outside again — sun casts down on them, wind blows against their bodies to cool them. it's going to get really chilly soon with the change in temperature, but luckily subaru's warm nature keeps him covered as they walk back through the courtyard. he keeps the idol balanced, making sure he doesn't fall over until they come to the wisteria, standing right in front of it as he slowly tries to undo himself from the other's hold. )
We're here! Tell them how apologetic you are, ask for forgiveness... you can do that, can't you?
no subject
don't worry, he just fell over his own feet. he sits up, looking at the tree's branches.
...]
Sorry. I've been ignored before, so I know how much it hurts -- even if you pretend like everything's okay, even if you try not to mind. And it's even worse when you can't really say anything, huh? You don't have to forgive me, but I wanted to come back and apologize for not realizing you all were crying, too.
[it all sort of falls out, this little piece of subaru that doesn't seem to fit with the rest of him. he leans against the tree's trunk, closing his eyes and trying to hear the anguish. now that he knows, he wants to seek it out...........]
Maddy told me about you, so make sure to thank him... He's kind at heart, I guess...
no subject
komaeda's mindful of this, observing from afar as he keeps his distance, but the smile on his face fits all the same where as subaru can show emotion, a stronger one than he can. )
...
( he's silent, thinking on the other's confession... having been ignored, scorned, despised — feelings that's accomplished a certain mindset in komaeda; that he isn't needed, that he wants to die being used. in some way, that's like being wanted. as for subaru, it seems like he's very open, allows others in, for people to feel like something, and even as he talks to the tree that's unable to speak back, that's filled to the brim with spirits that people want to free — he smiles after, nodding to himself once he's made up his mind. )
Hm... don't sympathize too much by showing such a side of yourself, Akehoshi-kun... you might join them next, and end up in their position.
( whatever that position may be, however spirits are trapped within this one wisteria tree... he wonders what it must be like from the petals to being trapped inside of the body. he takes a step forward, his mechanical hand lifts, whirring as the palm of it touches the dark of the tree — rough, but he doesn't know, he can only imagine the texture. )
If you truly want to apologize, you shouldn't through the means of pity, but rather use them as a reason to move forward, than leaving them in this stagnant position with nothing. Doesn't that sound appropriate?
no subject
[... because, if so...]
I definitely get it then, Maddy. You're kinda extreme, but you really wanna see people succeed, right? No matter what they're facing... you wanna see them shine instead of standing in one place, looking at could bes and stuff.
[he understands, he thinks. putting it like this, in this context, and thinking how trickstar does the same -- they don't like trampling others but know they have, and instead of getting on their hands and knees to apologize they've taken those losses they forced upon others (dreams, hopes, aspirations all crushed thoughtlessly in their ascent to the top) they sought to shine even brighter, to not let it batter them down and to extend their hand for others to have the same chance.
subaru thinks he might understand komaeda. just a bit.]
no subject
cruel he is as his mechanical fingers continue to brush along the bark of the tree, how the petals dance around them two and miraculously misses them by inches. his luck keeps them safeguarded, more petals flutter towards subaru more than komaeda, but in the end it's only inches away from brushing against the clothing of the idol. at his reply, he can feel a knot in his stomach as he quickly turns his head to look at the other. his eyes widen for a brief moment before relaxing in their usual expression, empty, lack of anything behind them, and they close, and in their place are the corner of his lips raising, and a demure smile sets in. )
Mine? Hope is universal, a beautiful opportunity set before everyone to indulge in, so to pass it off as just something flimsy as my whim... is quite crude, yet I'll forgive you.
( allowing subaru a pass because he said something that's made komaeda curious, and yet he knows better because the extent that he's willing to go will probably raise red flags. someone who mourns for those they never met, to have feelings at a tree that he doesn't know is the truth or not — his mind is muddled with drugs, so he reels his excitement back in; there's no way it'll stay this way. )
The normal, the ordinary, and the boring hardly know what to do when confronted with a hurdle right before their eyes... they become hesitant, they step back afraid of what could be beyond it... Hope isn't given to anyone who latches onto the efforts of others, finding it free, and easily accessible no, they have to move on their own, just like the spirits who inhabit this tree... they embodied their mistakes, but they are your milestone... Akehoshi-kun.
( gently, his smile softens as he takes a step forward, and the wind blows, the leaves of the trees rustle together, and he reaches out with his mechanical hand now to cup subaru's chin, raising the other's gaze to meet his own. pale, sickly, lack of life, but hopeful for their future, and the people around him. )
Use them to reach the efforts they couldn't, overcome this, and become that. If they weren't in this position, what would encourage you to avoid becoming that way... it's simple, but... I want to see your hope grow, to move above and beyond, to not mourn, but smile...
no subject
komaeda is definitely someone he can befriend, and someone he can understand, because at the heart of things they have the same thoughts, the same dream, the same wants. it's just the methods that differ, since subaru'd never hurt someone on purpose and komaeda... he's different. the words are a little in and out to his mind, and there definitely is starting to be two of the other, but focusing hard enough he can make it just one again.
so subaru focuses solely on komaeda, turning the words the other says over in his mind, and putting it, vaguely, into ones he can understand best. it's simple, really. and yet it would be so much simpler if he didn't feel like the world was tilting, that his mouth was far too dry to talk right, that the sun wasn't so blindingly bright like the spotlight of that day--
he grips the grass suddenly, as if to ground himself, and loosens his hands after, momentarily scared that he's hurt the spirits that lay there too.]
Man, [it's scratchy but playful, matching the grin that mostly reaches his widened eyes,] no wonder Natsume's got a problem with you.
[subaru reaches to grab komaeda's arm and either pull himself up or pull the other down, it's sort of 50/50 given he's not exactly of the best mind to be moving around and he's also a jock vs a mechanical arm, but either way--]
"Use" isn't the word you want, Maddy. It's "remember". Remember the people who're in this tree, who reached but couldn't grasp their goal, and grasp it for them. Live for anyone who's died on the way, and carry the "hope" they had, no matter how small or weak it was, no matter if they couldn't move themselves. It's okay to be scared, to be hesitant, to let someone else do something first -- it's not for me, [he swallows hard, trying to conquer his dry mouth,] but that doesn't make it wrong, it's just... human.
[but he understands, at the core, komaeda's thoughts. the way the other speaks, his methods, his justifications and excuses -- those he doesn't agree with, but subaru understands and thinks komaeda's got the right idea of it. just bad execution.
... as someone who's only slightly human himself, subaru truly admires the people who are scared, who show that, and still push on.]
no subject
as long as hope exists, then it's a world that komaeda's willing to to exist in until hope swallows him, and grinds down his talent — crush the body, crush the bones, take his spirit, and allow it to be fertilizer for the plants that are still growing, feed their roots so that they grow stronger. feeding off others is fine, using him just for that one thing is even better because if he dies in that way, it doesn't feel so hopeless. he's swept up as always, his legs bending as he can feel a tug on his person, his heart caught in his throat as he falls down — legs straddling the other's own, his organic hand presses against subaru's chest to keep him from crashing face to face into him. there's still space between them as the ultimate stares down at the ultimate, blinks slow like he's trying to adjust to the change. )
That's useless, the mind forgets, ( but they say the heart remembers, and komaeda won't use that quote at all to express his feelings. yet, when they say what is the heart's memory but love itself, it does seem to stem from there — the way komaeda's hand shifts along the idol's chest, his hand settling over subaru's heart trying to gauge how fast it's probably beating. he's drugged, and komaeda knows he should be mindful if the other will pass out or not in this condition, he won't die, komaeda didn't give him that much to.
his passion towards hope, his love for it, how he's able to continue loving despite not remembering faces or names. there's no need for memories, or to remember anything, as long as they move towards hope, as long as their eyes remain open to see the path before them. ) but the body moves forward: take what they've gone through, and apply it to your daily life so that you can become stronger from what they couldn't do. You devour their hope, use it as energy to strengthen your own... strong hope tramples weak hope as always...
( there's something positive and genuine in the way that subaru speaks about keeping these people in their memories, but they're nothing more than figures that'll be thrown away. once their use comes to an end, the stepping stones that'll long become forgotten in the backdrop. though for now, their hope can elevate one anothers. ) It's not right for the weak to latch, allowing themselves to be carried freely by your hope... the way they'll cling to your body like leeches, draining you for your worth —
( it's despicable, and his lips purse into a straight line as he thinks of how despairing it is. )
They'll remain the same, and gain everything around them for free... that's why they need that push... after everything you've done, they'll remain worthless in the end, that's why... using what's around you can be towards your advantage, this tree, this speech...
( but he recalls how natsume himself said something along the lines that he wouldn't stand by the side lines, but he wouldn't let people use him either. such a hopeful and brave statement to avoid becoming a stepping stone himself, and it's that's reason he sees good things coming from his hope — slightly impressionable, but they'll see, he thinks. for these people being talentless beings that inhabit the world, and that what makes komaeda keep coming back to some people. ) Whatever happens now and then, whatever bad comes before you all... like a hurdle, it can be overcome, you can use your hope to move further than others. They'll see you, they'll become blinded, and like moths to a flame, they'll do what they can to catch up with you by their own hope... I love... hope, Akehoshi-kun, I only want the best for them even if they don't know it, even if they're afraid... I'll do anything to remove that concept such as fear, because if this world becomes the norm... they'll be prepared for anything... just like us.
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... for "hope", that is.
the mind forgets, but the heart remembers; that's the saying subaru is used to, even as komaeda continues on, even as that demure, neutral smile breaks into a thin line that shows just how strongly the other feels against those who'd simply tag along. his heart beats hard and fast, erratic thanks to the drug and the unusual closeness to someone natsume had warned him against first day, and maybe he'll pass out at some point thanks to the overwhelming ¿excitement?, agitation he feels (not necessarily in a bad way, but if he was the person he was last year this is when he'd simply play it off with a dismissal and think nothing more; but he wants to understand others, he wants to get what they mean, he doesn't want to shy away and pretend they're just speaking nothing but nonsense just because it doesn't apply directly to him) but for now
for now he can listen, growing ever-more defiant at the wording, but reading between the lines best his muddling mind can let him at the heart of komaeda's words, his ideals and thoughts, and all he can wonder is how the other grew up to believe so steadfastly in stuff like that, in use and useless, in a system that doesn't allow freeloaders (which subaru wouldn't consider them, honestly; he's bothered by people who don't work as hard as him, he's strict on himself and others since he feels as if they're in the same place they should be on the same page, but he wouldn't consider them freeloaders--
at least, he wants to fight against the word, but thinking back on his first year, when more people slid by just being part of one of the bigger units and acted so grand when they hadn't done a single fucking thing towards their supposed dreams of being idols, subaru knows the simple fact is that komaeda's right.
those people were weeded out. they were cut away, moved to a different course where they actually had to do work to get good grades and graduate. the idol course became someplace where people who wanted to become idols, rather than ride on the coattails of those who wanted to, and it's... better. it wasn't clean, it left a lot of people hurt even to this day -- natsume's brothers, his own roommates, some of his friends... they were hurt, but like digging the pus out of an infected wound to clean it it was necessary. dirty, crude, but necessary.
not unlike komaeda, he guesses, and it's been a real hot minute since he actually spoke, thinking about it, but it's fine. there's a lot to think about, but it's almost like thinking during a fever, where one thought trails to the next until subaru shakes his head (not to komaeda, maybe a little to komaeda but not to komaeda) and lifts his hand, cupping against the other's corpse-like cheek with his own burning touch.
he's always liked touching others, knowing that they're there.]
You're a good person, huh.
[whack. but a good person at the core, with methods he doesn't agree with and would never accept... but a good person, or at least someone who wants good for others.]
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they'll be happier, they'll bask in bright world where together their overwhelming hope will cast out all despair, all fear, an all unhappiness. evil is defeated, bad is nonexistent, and the only thing left is a world where every smile is genuine, and hearts beat the same. he inhales, catching his breath, but his heart beats not as fast as the one under his hand — how his fingers curl into the fabric of his shirt — but it beats all the same. in retrospect, he believes his heart was like this too — frazzled, excited, erratic with no change in course when he was younger — when people died, would kill, and he used every death as a means of moving forward because as long as he lived, he could help hope, too.
as long as it's for hope, if there's anything he can do at all, perhaps he won't be that scorned child, maybe he can be worth something for once — yet, it's not that he wants the attention, no, he wants to give it. he wants to praise the hope around him, if he could have anything at all... it'd always be the same. overseeing the hope of the people around him, being forgiven because of how much hope he wants to be able to instill into the people around him. the world he finds himself in is dark, there's too many sad expressions, too many frowns, and so he smiles, he reassures, he looks down upon those who deserve nothing, and praise those that work hard.
his love for hope is one thing, and what he feels for others is something different. he'll never be able to match an identity to what he's obsessed over, but it's fine as long as the hope they make belongs to them, in a way... doesn't that mean he notices the person's individual hope, the need to see them excel, and even if it means to cause despair, to bring upon disasters so they can grow stronger to defeat it — then it's fine, he can be a horrible person to them, a bad person — )
Ah... what does that have to do with anything?
( he's there, an actual person, not a ghost despite the deathly complexion he has to his appearance, or the empty look within his eyes. he blinks slowly, his eyelashes press together, and then slowly open as he lazily leans himself against the other's touch. he's warm, his fingers almost burn against his skin, he thinks, but the cold touch of his own flesh contrasts it, and he finds himself able to stay in the position.
they are under the wisteria, and the petals rain down slowly, slower... almost like they're frozen in time as they rain down right next to subaru's head, almost outlining his person as komaeda watches, and then his eyes stare into subaru's own ocean blue. a familiar shade, enough to make komaeda calm for a moment, before he decides to begin pushing himself up, but the wisteria briefly brushes against his shoulder.
they can only be protected for so long. )
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