yogen | (closed) this ain't build a bitch

( it's been a roaring 90s this week, from murders to the transfer exchange, and he's noticed that the other has been a little better maybe in his mood, or maybe there's a few actions that isn't still the same that makes kiryuu, "joshua". komaeda's heard about stephanie, childe and crona's visits to their home, and some of him wonder is that what happened too — are the people who went back home sensitive to their feelings even more, or maybe they truly miss that aspect.

komaeda doesn't actually have a home, he's hardly wanted in the first place, let alone thinking he has a place to call his own. komaeda's silent at first as he rests in the pillows, laying flat on his back, bangs fell over so his forehead visible and free, and his eyes watch joshua freely. )

How are you holding up, Kiryuu-kun?

( he asks because in that week, the other was a presence who had been missing — him and add, those two are a certainty in his life, and close enough to where komaeda doesn't feel brushed off, and that's that's brings komaeda to inquire, to pick at joshua's brain, but also to have his company alone again. )

[it'd been a lot. he'd had the high of finally getting some of his powers back, to playing his silly little games with the students, to...going home.

going home was almost pointless.

he still remembers how he got back here, even though he doesn't. the same way as when he'd crossed over to the UG...which stirred up memories he'd thought he'd gotten over. he came back to deal with Dito, probably a little bit more aggressively than he normally would, and now...here he was.

alone with his thoughts, and Komaeda.

at least Komaeda is almost a comforting presence in a way, because the other doesn't pry. he doesn't pry, and he's not bloodthirsty like Dito...so the energy he has to use is so much less than the other students here.

but the question brings him back to reality, blinking a little as he registers what the other had said. how was he holding up?

well.]

You could call me Josh, or Joshua you know.

[he's not going to answer at all, leaning back slightly in his bed as he glances over at Komaeda.]

I think it's about time you've started calling me that instead.

...I could.

( it's an idea to call someone by their first name, it makes things all the more authentic. he knows how hinata calls people by their last name, rude without honorifics, and he knows others who would say first names to make it more affectionate than it is — as for komaeda, he keeps a special, but distant relationship by these means, and if he's irritated, he'll drop the honorifics to show that. he respect joshua enough, and that's why he calls to him like he does.

he respects his rights to not be an overly annoying presence in his vicinity, he respects it enough so that he doesn't look more than anything because it doesn't seem like a place for him.

arms cross along his stomach, and he responds: )

But I won't.

( who knows if this is all about comfort values, the though terrifies him actually, the undertones that calling someone by their first name has — it rings bells, people notice, they start to inquire the nature of their relationship. he didn't take joshua to be the type, but he's a rather free kindred spirit like komaeda, but the ultimate dislikes the notion of someone using his first name, and that's because there's a reason he put up that glass wall.

he can't want it, or something bad will happen, even if it's something that sounds nice in theory, to be close to someone that they can equally use their first names, to be friendly... it sounds like a dream, a fantasy he's never known... but in practice that's just...

he blinks, and when he opens his eyes, he can hear the sound of a thump on the floor, joshua's head rolling along the pillows, and then his body falling over. he blinks again, and things are normal, and so he finds himself smiling despite the brief break in reality.

he likes the reality how it is. )

You didn't answer what I asked.

( he knows joshua does that, he knows he normally asks the questions, and he listens to people's answers. )

Hm...what a shame.

[he knows that there are the types in Japan that live-or-die by honorifics and courtesy. he never really cared too much about that sort of thing, but he didn't know if he ever respected anyone enough to care in the first place.

but then Komaeda comes back around to the question again, while Joshua had thought that he'd brushed it off. there were some things that the other would pry into and some that he wouldn't -- but he'd noticed that he was very eerily perceptive. sometimes when Komaeda looks at him, he thinks that the other can see right through him, read his thoughts maybe, even though he wasn't a Player or a Reaper. it sort of disarms him sometimes, and it reminds him of Hanekoma, always able to tell when Joshua was upset or thinking too much about something.

he kind of hates it. Neku had been perceptive about some things, but at times Joshua had been able to redirect his thinking and distract him. he'd wanted to know Joshua well enough to read his thoughts without using his abilities, but that was an ability Joshua didn't want to extend further than Hanekoma.

somehow, though, Komaeda had slipped through.

Joshua pushes through his thoughts enough to make himself relax, leaning forward over his bent legs now to put a more serene, but fake smile on his face.]

I'm fine. [fuckin liar] Why would I be anything but that?

( he respects the distance of keeping people away from him, honestly, it's not even genuine respect when he can hold people at arm's length. komaeda's twisted version of respect utilized. )

Don't think that way, Kiryuu-kun, it's for the best...

( the concept of it does make him nervous that he had to make sure "kiryuu" left from his mouth first and foremost, it stayed at the front of his mind when speaking, too. he doesn't deserve to be close in any shape or form... )

You're thinking too much. ( about what, komaeda doesn't care to learn at the moment, and instead he goes back to his original question. )

Too many possibilities, too many formulas... I think you can be selfish, so tell me... how are you?

( is he fine in the way of saying he's fine with how he is around others? that's the general consensus around komaeda, but it's not about that at all. )

Edited 2021-10-25 23:41 (UTC)

I'm always thinking. It helps keep me on my toes.

[but then Komaeda's just so goddamn persistent, and his facade almost cracks. but that's what the other wants, so as difficult as it is, he's trying to keep that mask up.

even though when things get too personal, he can't help it.]

I believe you're seeing things that aren't there, Komaeda. [time to try to brush it under the rug.] Perhaps a little tired from dealing with my dog, but I wouldn't tell the average person that.

[weariness is weakness, no matter what form it's in.]

Other than that, my month has been going perfectly fine.

...

( he pauses, almost like he's not satisfied, but the idea to get a rise out of him is there. )

Maybe I am, I tend to hallucinate from time to time...

( calmly said, eyes closed as he cuts off all connection with josh so that the other can have freedom. if komaeda keeps them shut, and if he pays mind to the way he speaks, perhaps he can open his eyes to an expression he hasn't seen that doesn't match his words.

he could try. )

Oh, I never asked about your month, just in general... ( so something happened this month? ) Dito-kun is a handful...

[oh no not a whole lot happened this month at all. not nine murders, a scavenger hunt, something we're going to skip over, and Josh breaking Dito's leg.

that's all.]

He is...I only hope that I've gotten the message across. If not, I'll have to resort to more extreme measures.

[that'd be SO horrible!]

Why the sudden interest in my well-being? Is there something you'd like me to say?

( well half of that is normal when done in the name of hope, komaeda doesn't have much to say against it when it was just nine murders, a scavenger hunt, and breaking dito's leg. the disappearance is the only thing that komaeda has concerns of, because he doesn't know the details. )

Extreme measures? Hm... how does his body work, do you know? He's been walking around fine now, but if you sheer him of his skin...

( ramble, ramble, he looks at joshua again. )

Ah... should trash like myself only think about my well-being? Unfortunately, discarded don't feel anything, so I thought I'd ask.

[Joshua shrugs a little.]

I suppose that we'll have to find out.

[finally, Joshua frowns slightly as he looks at the other. sometimes he really is just saying shit...]

That's not what I meant. I meant...that's kind of strange, to be so concerned about me.

[a little upturn of his lips]

Did you miss me?

( so he's not feeling inclined like he was a few days ago when he felt like using dito to relieve himself of some stress. not anything immediate, and komaeda takes that as a sign as a hand raises to cover his mouth, stifling a yawn. )

Understanding the concept of time is all it takes to become curious.

( he leans up now, a hand on his stomach with his back facing the other, and slowly his eyes open while pondering over his question. )

I'm glad you're back.

( does that answer his question? )

[hmph how dare you turn ur back to him Komaeda.

the sentiment kind of stirs something in his emotions, something bittersweet as he thinks about Komaeda's words. even if he wanted to know that he'd been missed...there was also a slight relief in someone being glad to see him for once.

but he stifles it, not letting the emotion come to his face, because those kinds of feelings aren't for him. they're for people like Neku, who still has so much life to live if he so chose it.

Joshua was just dead now -- beyond most human ties, now. there of course were Reapers who straddled the world of the living and the dead, but things like that were beyond him. to get caught up in the world like that would be to invite feelings, and he'd forced himself to cut that out a while ago so he could do his damn job.

especially after he had met Neku, and gotten so attached to him.]

I guess that's as good answer as any.

[he still looks amused though, before hopping off his bed and drifting over towards where Komaeda was.]

I do hope you all didn't have too much fun while I was gone.

Saying it like that speaks volumes, Kiryuu-kun.

( that's all komaeda needed to hear in order to figure out that maybe the male's trip wasn't as exciting as one would have thought it was. many people would comment on having too much fun if they had fun themselves, it'd just be an general understanding of both parties enjoying themselves and leaving it at that. komaeda's arm lays across his stomach, and he looks up, and then turns his neck to see the other coming closer to him. )

Analyzing my words too, is there something you're looking for out of them?

( he might as well say what he finds in joshua's words, what stands out, and what doesn't. despite the other not saying much about himself, a person can learn a lot through the way they speak — that's how saihara read komaeda's thoughts without him being direct, and now here's joshua who's the same in not being direct either. so komaeda pauses, laying back down now so he can see the other properly now. )

I missed your hope, it wasn't the same without you here... so yes, I missed you.

[stOOOOOPPPPPPP

Komaeda is making his cold dead heart beat right now, even if he's trying not to let it show on his face. it's conflicting, because he cares and also doesn't care about Komaeda at the same time. it's nothing like the one who he'd left at home, where he'd ache to hear those words from, but knows he's never going to hear, mostly because he's already decided he's not going to face that person again.

but he still craves to hear it from someone.

he sits down on the pillows near Komaeda, almost in an ungraceful way to cover up the sigh that escaped him. after all that, he feels himself deadening his emotions again so that he doesn't Feel Anything about it.

this time though, the expression leaks onto his face, a kind of wistful thing. the one time he finally got that comment out of someone...]

I didn't expect you to be so forward.

[for once, he doesn't really know what to say.]

I'm always forward about hope, Kiryuu-kun! When have I not been?

( this is what it's about, unhealthily it's only about his hope, and komaeda has always been a fan of it, also how they can see eye to eye on a few things that even komaeda couldn't believe. then again, he expects everyone to be on the same wavelength as him.

with a knowing smile, he taps his forehead. )

I didn't know this was considered forward to you, or... maybe you take me as someone who are afraid of their emotions! Nope, not me!

( that's a lie, but he's equating this to his love for hope, because it's only hope that he can be honest about. he does stare at the other's expression, it's a... rare switch, but he lifts up now, properly, leaning forward so he can get into the male's face again, squinting to look. )

...

[Joshua quirks his eyebrows a little when he talks about not being afraid of his emotions. it doesn't even bother him a whole lot when the other suddenly gets into his personal space, leaning forward a bit more to get closer to him as he reaches up to brush one of Komaeda's bangs out of his face.

he's not afraid of physical closeness, at least.]

Are you? It's very strange, considering you don't talk about yourself so much outside of your attachment to your hope. Do I even know the real you, Komaeda?

[in a way, he feels like the other might be like him. holding something back, even though his facade was a little more well practiced, but it seems like he's been around more people to be able to conceal it and also recognize it.

because in a way, how else would the other be able to read him so clearly if he wasn't close to the way Josh felt at times?]

At the end of the day, I feel like you know me better than I know you. Why would that be, if you weren't afraid to show another side to yourself?

( he leans forward to help with joshua's plan of sweeping that one curl of bang out the way, it tickles komaeda's nose briefly, and he slowly opens his eyes to look at the other. he lifts his hand, gripping joshua's wrist with his mechanical one, and then his hand slowly rides up so that they can link their fingers between one another. he brings the male's hand down to the ground, and he thinks holding onto him like this would trump the touch of hair. )

...

( he's trying to rile him up, isn't he? and komaeda doesn't that to other people, and makes sure it doesn't happen to himself, and here he is being called out for what he doesn't do. showing his true feelings? his actual thoughts? he blinks, mouth parting until he rolls his bottom lip between his teeth, biting down for a moment before it folds out properly after. it was just to give him a bit of thinking time, not like komaeda needs much. )

What would you do with that information if you knew who I really was, Kiryuu-kun?

( slowly, komaeda lowers himself down so that his head can rest in the other's lap as he looks up to him, reading his face like a challenge has been played by them both. who wins depends on how they carry this conversation, but he'll refer to something before, something that the other didn't like. ) What I told you when we discussed your dog wasn't a lie, but isn't our shared interest in hope more than enough to satiate your thirst of what makes trash like me... me?

[Joshua grins at Komaeda, letting the other move his hand down. it's a touch that's kind of intimate -- not having ever had anyone just straight up do this and lie on his lap. of all people...

his other hand moves to trace his fingertips up one of the other's arms, tilting his head a bit as he leaned over more so that his hair was falling down just slightly to tickle Komaeda's face.]

But it hardly seems fair. [he starts, his eyes widening and a pout (fake) appears on his lips.] I can't really be called your twin if I don't know something about you, right? I don't have any motive behind it...besides wondering what interesting people are really like.

[he tries to take the other's free wrist now, so that he can bring it closer and up to his lips so that he can attempt to ghost them across the other's knuckles.]

( his fingers twitch gently against joshua's lips that ghost, and komaeda reacts to quick where he takes his arm back for a brief moment — yes, snatched! not because he doesn't want joshua touching him, but because that arm... that's the trashiest piece of him all, the disgusting true parts of him. there's a reason why he connected with the other with his prosthetic arm, one that's filled with hope. )

...I'm sorry, every part of me is trash, Kiryuu-kun, you shouldn't dirty your lips with someone like me.

( honest as he says it, he places that hand of his against his stomach so it can be out of the male's reach. he means it, komaeda doesn't have anything that's beneficial about him outside of his love for hope, he's meant to be something discarded and used, not a key point of interest. )

But... you already knew that about me, didn't you?

[ok but Joshua won gay chicken tho

maybe because he's the biggest gay around

Joshua's lips quirk upwards slightly, tilting his head at Komaeda's reaction. he's already thought of himself as "winning" their unspoken little game now, and his free hand falls to his side for now.]

Hm...I've known...that you've considered yourself that way, anyway.

[but he doesn't really mind, considering that the people that he considers Actual Trash are way different than Komaeda.]

But at the end of the day, it's my decision on who I want to dirty my lips with, isn't it?

[stop with the flirting bro i'm sick]

( stopppp STOPPP HE DIDN'T WIN.

because komaeda's trash, he knows better, this is just his insecurities showing, but he's the biggest gay around here... )

Don't dirty yourself at all, not for anyone... or they'll use you, too.

( his words seem a little sad when he says so, he thinks of saihara, and the way they extinguished his light. it's a thought, but josh governed people, and they're still as overwhelming. )

You should be careful.

[? he totally won wym

Joshua smirks a bit, leaning down to get closer to the other's face again. most likely because he's gay, and also so that Komaeda can see the sincerity in his face.]

People can't use me so easily. The only ones who have used me I've let do so because I allow it, as an experiment.

[he giggles a bit, tilting his head.]

You don't become who I am if you're easily malleable. So while the concern is appreciated...it's not needed. I do what I please.

We're surrounded by idiots, so they can't utilize you properly, but they'll try to use you.

( you can use something and not understand how to harness its true power, and that's what komaeda has seen many a time within this school. that's where everything goes wrong, and as he watches josh come closer to his face, komaeda lifts a hand to cup the male's cheek with his prosthetic. his thumb brushes against his cheek, and then to the bottom of his lip along the width of it. )

If you're going to dirty your lips...

( he inhales softly, though it might be an audible wheeze, whichever comes first. )

At least choose someone who's worth it to dirty them for... like those with strong hope! They're the best ones, Amami-kun's hope, or Ishimaru-kun...

( he bites the inside of his cheek wondering if hinata should be tacked on. )

[high. Joshua sniffs at the names that Komaeda had thrown out, because even though he might be a whore, he's a picky whore.

And he has opinions.]

One is too loud, and the other quiet. Neither of them are as interesting as you are.

[he's just spitting facts here.]

You discredit yourself too much. Or...maybe you're scared to do something?

[bro]

To do what?

( he looks up at the other, suspicious of what he's trying to say about that. is there something that komaeda's having trouble with, and even as he watches the other... it's true, joshua probably doesn't know a lot about komaeda. he calls himself trash as his main personality trait. )

No... I don't think so, but there's something I need you to do.

( a quick switch of the subject. )

(closed) this ain't build a bitch

10/20 — joshua

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