yogen | i'm getting a good grade in yogen lore, which is something normal people definitely try to get

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i'm getting a good grade in yogen lore, which is something normal people definitely try to get

Who: Whoever's in the dormitories
When: Friday, October 1st
What: It's time for a little lecture. And a genuine information meeting. But mostly a lecture.
Warnings: N/A please don't make me change this.

( Early in the morning, a curious text gets posted. )

N.Sakasaki

DRM-STDYHLL
1800HRS

( ...In less coded news, the dormitory's study hall will have a note taped to it:

Yogen and You: A Quick Summary
Held by Natsume Sakasaki

For those who need a summary of events, whether because our meetings rarely get anything done in terms of information sharing or because you're freshly awakened. Come around dinner time for food, enlightenment, and the opportunity to share your troubles with those going through the same thing.

The room will be locked all day until about half an hour before six, at which point it will become unlocked... this is primarily for Natsume to set up a table of food, but people can come sit in early if they like. There's an overhead projector that's been wheeled into the study hall all the way from school, and the curtains are drawn over the windows. It isn't dark though, since he still has the lights turned on...

Several tables have been pushed together to make at least three groups, chairs around them like they've been readied for a dinner party, while a few more are pushed a little further back and have absolutely no chairs whatsoever; those are for the food. There's also a chair by the overhead projector.

Your food and drink for tonight: lemon and rosemary roasted shrimp, white rice, rosemary and thyme chicken, a make-your-own-salad area with all kinds of salad-making ingredients, three types of eggrolls (seafood, vegetable, and pork), and various drinks from the vending machine because some of us can afford to spend a bunch of merit points on things like that.

When a sufficient amount of people have come in, or the clock hits 6:05, Natsume shuts the door, turns off the lights, and moves to the overhead projector. To stand on the chair, so he's the tallest person in here, and claps his hands to get people's attention. )

Save all questions and outbursts until the END, ( he says, and then kneels down on the chair and flicks the projector on.

All of the slides are pre-written on some transparent sheets that project onto a wall without windows, which he reads one by one without rushing! But for ease of reading OOCly, you can find the entire thing here. There's also photocopied handouts for people on all of the tables, stapled of course, so people who aren't blind (sorry Helena) can follow along at home!

He lets the last sheet stay up, his face half-illuminated by the overhead projector, then sits down in the chair and leans forward the back of it like some kind of delinquent. )

Alright, you can speak NOW.

( ooc notes: go ahead and treat this like one of our meetings, aka mingle, jump around, actually get a chance to share information that hasn't been talked about yet, etc. thank you plenty to enh and peace too for reviewing and suggesting things for the presentation \o/ )

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

He worked hard and for a long time to get this information- and he had to try and process it for longer than we have. No, he wasn't kind about it. But denial would have harmed them more. There's a lot of conflicting feelings, for everyone. ... Just because you don't like his answers doesn't mean you get to lash out, even if on behalf of others.

... I trust that if evidence to anything else is given, he will accept it. But right now, he's working with what he has.

( .......................... provided that it doesn't come from komaeada.

at the question, nene pauses, before sighing. )

I don't know what I believe... I still don't know how to feel, or what to think. But I'm willing to accept all possibilities, and I know you just want to help everyone. I just want to find a happy ending. And if I can't find it, I'll make it. A truly happy end, for all of us.

Nobody in there would even listen. They already have their neat little story. They don't care that it's all a trick; they're gonna follow Natsume's piping into the monster's mouth.

[grimaces] There's not gonna be any happy endings if we listen to what this place tells us. Whatever they say, we have to do the exact opposite. That's the only way we can survive.

... You're not open to listening either, Stephanie. This isn't a one way track. We don't know everything. You can't be upset about no one giving you a chance when you've decided one thing and won't consider what they're thinking either.

( but this is such a heavy conversation. nene wraps her arms around stephanie, holding her close. this is a horrible reality. but it's theirs. )

I'm sorry. I know this is the worst. But please, Stephanie... allow people time to heal and process. If there's more to this- and there is- we'll find it together, and our way out.

( and stephanie is included in that list of people who need this, of course. she's ten, she's just learned she's died, and everything is terrifying. people are lecturing her- her included. it's... there's no good side to any of this. )

[she's silent.

it starts as a trembling in her hands, gripping the hem of her skirt, moving up her arms until it settles in her shoulders. her hair is longer, now; if she holds her head down, her bangs can cover her face, hiding eyes shut tight, but the tears come through anyway, dripping onto her sleeves.

it's when she tries to take a breath and instead lets out a wracking sob that she breaks down completely.]

( nene holds her closer, rubbing her back like she remembers momma doing for her, pulling her into her lap. it isn't fair. stephanie's ten years old and just wants to play and help people. she doesn't deserve this. none of them do, but a child least of all. when she speaks, it's with a soft voice that she can only hope is soothing. )

I know. And I'm so sorry. You deserved so much better than this. But I'm not going to let anything happen to you, I promise. Let it all out, okay?

( and nene will continue to hold her, for as long as she needs. )

[most of the noises coming from her don't sound even remotely like words, but there are a few of them that do, and they sound a bit like why, why, why, why, why.]

( nene doesn't let go, but... she doesn't have an answer, either. but she can shield stephanie from the room while she cries. )

Just nod or shake your head. Do you want to move to another room?

[she nods vigorously, head still turned down.]

( nene shifts from hugging stephanie close to linking her arms under stephanie's legs and hoisting her up as she stands, carefully carrying her out. for a moment she considers her own room- theres flowers, and soft curtains, and suncatchers glowing softly, the stars are out through the skylight. but she decides on stephanie's room instead, nudging the door handle with her hip and then softly kicking it open further and then closing it behind them. ... sorry crona-chan. stephanie definitely got a handmade blanket from her, so she'll set her down on the bed that has that, and then sit beside her, holding her close again. )

... You're being so brave. You know that, right? Even if it might not feel like it right now.

... I'm sorry. [her voice is quiet, slightly raspy.] I just... It all came out at once. I tried to stop... I wanted to stop...

[but you can only swallow down your feelings so much before they start to choke you.]

... If you mean for crying, don't be. It's natural. People who say that strong people don't cry... they're wrong. Crying is how your emotions reset, so you can be okay again. It's how your heart lets out the worst of the pain. So don't be sorry for that, okay?

Not like that. Not in front of people... [her voice wavers on the word.] Everybody already treats me like a dumb kid. I hate proving them right.

We don't think you're dumb, Stephanie. You're one of the bravest ones here. And anyone who doesn't recognize that is a fool. ... But you're also the youngest, and that makes us want to keep you safe- because if we can do that, it means we're doing something right.

A lot of people want to cry right now. But because they're older, they think they don't have the right to. That only kids get to show when they're truly sad or hurt. ... So... don't grow up to be stupid like that. And cry all you want. Okay?

[she nods without truly meaning it.]

Okay. [fiddles with the corner of the blanket.] I've felt... empty. Since Komaeda told me. And it feels like the only thing that can fill it is being mad, at anything. At least it's something.

[her face starts to crumple, and she hides it in the blanket.]

He would hate me if he met me now. I know it. This place is making me awful.

That.... that's a part of grief, I think. There's lots of parts to it, and not everyone feels it the same way, in the same order. You've been grieving a lot of things for a long time. We all have. But when you're younger, it hurts all the more because the weapon used against you feels so much bigger comparatively. Like how a juicebox is perfect for kids, but it's too little for an adult... but worse.

( as they talk, nene idly pets stephanie's hair, resting her chin on her head. tuck the stephanie under the big sister so as to properly protect.... )

... I don't think he would. I think that... for as weird as he is, he understands things on a different level. I think he'd know you've been hurting, and he'd be curious as to why, and maybe he'd want to help and maybe he'd just want to see what happens... ( and maybe that's worse? being komaeda's daytime television... ) but I don't think he'd hate you. Especially if you're still trying.

[that gets the very faintest of smiles after her.]

Oh, I'm not talking about him. That's... definitely not something I worry about. [considering his share of responsibility for it...]

... Have I told you about him, yet? About Sportacus?

... No. You haven't.

He's my best friend. For generations, the people in my town could call on heroes by sending a letter into the sky... He answered mine. And since that day, he has never, ever let me down.

[and yet... she's here.]

All I wanted to do was make him proud. Proud of how I handled this place... So maybe it's for the best if I never see him again. He remembers the me that's actually worth knowing. Not this one.

( nene pulls stephanie against her, gently petting her hair. )

If he were in your place, making mistakes, struggling, hurting, would you think he's not worth knowing?

[shakes her head slightly]

He wouldn't make mistakes. He never does. And he'd already have everybody out of here. There wouldn't be any time for struggles.

[she doesn't know if he'd hurt. she's never seen him be. she couldn't imagine anything that could.]

( you know what, no, she's not... going to crush childhood heroic idolism, she can't do that. )

Then... would you hate your other friends if they were having trouble? If they were in a bad situation and couldn't get out?

Do you think we're not worth knowing?

Of course not! [hold on give her a moment to come up with a reasonable excuse.] That's... That's different.

[that's the best she's got.]

It's not, though. You have to be kind to yourself, Stephanie. If you hold yourself to such high standards... you're only going to fall and break. It's okay to not be okay, you know?

[grimaces, for just a brief moment.]

... I don't know if I remember how. [it was hard enough back home. here, it seems impossible.]

Let yourself feel. Cry as much as you need to, rest, and make sure you don't neglect yourself. Eat and drink something, and when you're ready... then you can try again. But don't hate yourself for needing to. Don't hate yourself for falling. When you do wrong, apologize and be better. But making a mistake isn't a crime. Okay?

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