yogen | i'm getting a good grade in yogen lore, which is something normal people definitely try to get

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i'm getting a good grade in yogen lore, which is something normal people definitely try to get

Who: Whoever's in the dormitories
When: Friday, October 1st
What: It's time for a little lecture. And a genuine information meeting. But mostly a lecture.
Warnings: N/A please don't make me change this.

( Early in the morning, a curious text gets posted. )

N.Sakasaki

DRM-STDYHLL
1800HRS

( ...In less coded news, the dormitory's study hall will have a note taped to it:

Yogen and You: A Quick Summary
Held by Natsume Sakasaki

For those who need a summary of events, whether because our meetings rarely get anything done in terms of information sharing or because you're freshly awakened. Come around dinner time for food, enlightenment, and the opportunity to share your troubles with those going through the same thing.

The room will be locked all day until about half an hour before six, at which point it will become unlocked... this is primarily for Natsume to set up a table of food, but people can come sit in early if they like. There's an overhead projector that's been wheeled into the study hall all the way from school, and the curtains are drawn over the windows. It isn't dark though, since he still has the lights turned on...

Several tables have been pushed together to make at least three groups, chairs around them like they've been readied for a dinner party, while a few more are pushed a little further back and have absolutely no chairs whatsoever; those are for the food. There's also a chair by the overhead projector.

Your food and drink for tonight: lemon and rosemary roasted shrimp, white rice, rosemary and thyme chicken, a make-your-own-salad area with all kinds of salad-making ingredients, three types of eggrolls (seafood, vegetable, and pork), and various drinks from the vending machine because some of us can afford to spend a bunch of merit points on things like that.

When a sufficient amount of people have come in, or the clock hits 6:05, Natsume shuts the door, turns off the lights, and moves to the overhead projector. To stand on the chair, so he's the tallest person in here, and claps his hands to get people's attention. )

Save all questions and outbursts until the END, ( he says, and then kneels down on the chair and flicks the projector on.

All of the slides are pre-written on some transparent sheets that project onto a wall without windows, which he reads one by one without rushing! But for ease of reading OOCly, you can find the entire thing here. There's also photocopied handouts for people on all of the tables, stapled of course, so people who aren't blind (sorry Helena) can follow along at home!

He lets the last sheet stay up, his face half-illuminated by the overhead projector, then sits down in the chair and leans forward the back of it like some kind of delinquent. )

Alright, you can speak NOW.

( ooc notes: go ahead and treat this like one of our meetings, aka mingle, jump around, actually get a chance to share information that hasn't been talked about yet, etc. thank you plenty to enh and peace too for reviewing and suggesting things for the presentation \o/ )

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I think the choice in particulars we'd get in that case would be the choices we'd make in that new life. Just like we can choose where we go from here.

( leaning back, he gives a bit of a sigh. helena may be ever-so-grateful in the way she expresses it, but as for amami... )

Reincarnation though, huh? Kind of disappointing, if you ask me.

Why would it disappoint you? You'd get to be alive, truly alive again.

[it's a thread to take and grab onto. a part of conversation that doesn't talk about her side of things - she wants it, desperately.]

I guess that's one way to look at it, but that's not how I see it.

( he'll let her take it, left dangling as an out — but still something that can help him gauge more about her. )

I mean... if it's just a matter of being alive or dead, there's no difference between being here or there, don't you think? But you have to admit, at least while I'm here, I'm still me.

Do you think that you wouldn't be yourself? Or, let me rephrase - that you wouldn't be allowed to choose who you would be?

[it was the same soul, from all she understood about reincarnation. it would still be Amami in the end.]

...

( it takes him a moment to think of what to say to a question like that, gathering the words more so than the feelings behind them, which are steady and unwavering. )

No matter what choices I make, I still wouldn't remember — the things that are important to me, the things that I needed to do. If I don't have those, do you think that it would be me?

( his tone seems to suggest that he doesn't. )

Yes. Because if I subscribe to your belief, then if somehow I closed my eyes again, I would cease to be me. And I would only be me when I opened them again.

[memory is a mutable thing here in certain circumstances. basing her entire self on that then has a glaring absence of sufficient supports.]

I believe I'm me whether this is my body or not, whether I remember or not. The center - the heart - that is "me". And yes, that changes, even over one lifetime, but that's its nature, isn't it? As much as trees shed leaves in autumn and regrow them in spring. How it was before and how it is now.

There is me in the future that I haven't reached yet and wouldn't remember, and there is me in the distant past that I can't remember. They are also me, as much as the current me can be. Should I discount them just because I don't know them as well as I might?

Edited 2021-10-04 04:58 (UTC)

Yeah, that's another way to look at it, huh? But I... can't really feel the same.

( and to his credit, he sounds almost apologetic, sighing. )

If it's enough for you, that's good. It's just... There are some things I can't afford to give up on. Couldn't, I guess, since it's not like I can really expect to return from the dead. Still, being given a chance at a "fresh start" like that, it's not a satisfying end for me.

( and he doesn't want a new beginning without that closure either. )

[giving up, huh. the idea stings like a slap, like saltwater in a paper cut. she folds it up, as small as she can manage, and puts it away in a drawer with others to rot in peace. fall away, and crumble into dust, so that it doesn't burn. so that such ugliness won't be said, won't be perceived. it hides well under lists she can't read, can't recount of injuries that should litter her body with marks and reshape its topography.

Helena gives a hum to acknowledge him, and on the side she believes he can't see, her thumb worries on the side of her stylus handle.]

How long have you known all this, Rantarou?

[how many of her friends knew all this, and kept their mouths sealed for one reason or another?]

Me? It was one of the first things I was told when I got here, and I can't say it was too surprising either.

( it was just the kind of situation he was in, at the time. but something about the cautious way she asks the question tells him that it's not the same — the knowing that he's talking about, and the knowing that she is. so with a pause, he'll let that sink in, but continues before she can voice any conclusions she's jumping to. )

That was just me, though. There was no reason for me to go worrying anyone else just because of something that happened to me. At the time, it didn't seem like there were too many in the same situation, and I didn't need them feeling sorry for me when they found out.

( the one person he did tell, well, they were convinced that they weren't the same, so that was that. this is what happens when you decide others don't need to know about your problems. )

The "reincarnation" bit is new though. Before now, someone suggested there might something more for me — but it was still just guessing at the time.

Edited 2021-10-04 06:23 (UTC)

[the movement stops where it is, and things lay themselves out in her head. vines entwining around supports, nails affixing wood to itself, and Helena feels her heart stutter, thinks it should get warm and slam against her ribcage like it does when she hears a certain tolling, when she's in the shadow of something greater than herself that she can't fight but only run and run until there's no more strength to do so.

even with her eyes shut, Amami will see how she pales. words want to rush up from her throat, a hundred blooming spider lilies, but they can't come out here. they can't be heard here. she can't let them hear - I didn't need them feeling sorry for me when they found out. what would they think, to know, if someone heard and it became just shrapnel in these arguments? if they knew, and treated her otherwise for it. but there's no way to tell him she understands without saying something, and if she does, then there's a real risk of too much coming out.]

...maybe we shouldn't...say this...right here.

[her voice is so soft, and they are so loud. but Helena can't discredit that someone is listening. someone who will hear this, and know.]

( it's not exactly the response he's expecting — he's not sure if it's good or bad, really, between the way she pales, and the way her hushed voice urges him that maybe now, maybe here isn't the right place... amami gives her an inquiring look, then glances over his shoulder; most of the room seems occupied enough, and he doesn't mind saying this here, but if it's for her. he returns his attention to helena, curiosity tugging him forward with a similarly low voice laced with concern. )

Do you... want to head somewhere else?

( normally, he may be more cautious, but helena... she doesn't ping, to him, as a threat. doesn't have anything to gain from leading him away, except maybe some privacy, so maybe he can follow. )

Would you mind? My room is very near.

[with all of her roommates preoccupied, she thinks they'll have the space to talk there and return, once all's been said. rising from her chair, she leaves her notebook and tools - no one else will know how to use them, or read her words, so it's all safe. a symbol of promising to come back.

the room doesn't block out one hundred percent of the raised voices, but it manages most of them, and it's enough for her to make her way in and close the door. Amami can turn on a light if he wants, but otherwise, the evening sky above looks down on them, and Helena goes to sit on her bed.

deep breaths. when she speaks, it's a little stronger, but still quiet.]

So you mean to tell me that even without this place being purgatory, back home, you have died.

... Yeah. Not something I remember all too well, but a... a classmate of mine — he made a pretty big show of it when I turned up here.

( you really don't know? and all that — maybe this is hell.

ouma might've hit the nail on the head with that guess, and it's a possibility that amami hadn't ever fully discarded since that day. )

...

( he exhales, sitting next to her, but not too close, and watching her carefully. )

Checked with a couple others, and they were just as surprised to see me walking around again.

[deep breaths don't entirely work, and she ends up taking off her glasses to rub at her eyes with her sleeve. tears want to come, but for a reason he can't guess at - not pity, not sorrow. an emotion she hates herself having, and yet has all the same. relief.]

Oh.

[the tremble in her voice gives it away, and she sniffs, pressing her sleeve to her eyes for a moment. it's okay. it's okay, and for once when she thinks on this it doesn't all turn to bitterness.]

I...thought I might be the only one.

[and there it is, this sad and weak truth. that Helena Adams has died, will die, is dead. and she knew, without a soul needing to tell her.]

( it might just be a sniffle here, a soft rub at her eyes there, but for amami? alarming. exactly why he didn't go telling people, actually.

he's not bad with crying, usually. what he knows how to deal with though, it's children — kids, younger siblings, who rely on him for comfort. it's different, when someone around his own age cries around him. he's not entirely sure how to deal with it; with someone more mature like helena, especially. it would be insulting if he treated her like a kid, wouldn't it? offering her a hug... he doesn't think they're on that level of familiarity, and if it were him, he knows that he wouldn't appreciate someone's words of comfort if they felt hollow. something to fill the awkward silence. so for a moment, there's a feeling akin to unease that buzzes through his mind, filtering out the possibilities of how he can respond.

what he settles on, in the end, is placing one hand on her shoulder. giving a little squeeze — something just to let her know he's there. a little awkward, but well-intentioned. )

Doesn't exactly get talked about, does it?

( it's a shame too, all things considered. akamatsu... she would've been a good person for helena to talk to on this, amami thinks. always had a good way with people, better than he ever did. here and now though, it's just the two of them, so amami will carry on a bit. )

Mentioned it to someone before, actually — asked if it might've been similar for them. Didn't seem like it though, and I wasn't really looking to have anyone apologize for something that wasn't their fault, so I thought it'd be better not to sound the alarms just yet.

[he doesn't know, but it's the right thing to do. it's a reflex that helps her breathe again, swallow the tears, put her glasses back on. the weight is a comfort, and she basks in it, quietly having a grip now that she doesn't feel overfull, a glass on the edge of spilling. they aren't as close as she wants to be to be having this conversation, but one can't entirely choose what happens. the flowers that bloomed in her throat long to spill, and so she'll pluck a few more, see what's alright to give away.

like the world's bloodiest, unwanted bouquet of empathy.]

No, you're quite right. Being pitied for something like this is exhausting.

[it's the solemn truth, the main reason to cover it up.]

I just wonder what made this death be the one to send me here, and not another. If there are similarities to be found.

Edited 2021-10-04 09:43 (UTC)

Another... Wait, you don't mean you've died more than once, do you?

( hold up, he's double-dead (triple-dead?) too, but even he didn't get a retry in real life. that sounds... well, thinking it through, maybe she has some kind of power? there's a lot of people with powers here; she seems big-brained enough to have some kind of time rewinding ability, or foresight or something.

... maybe he's getting too ahead of himself though, and he sounds like he might feel kind of guilty about that a moment later. )

Ah, sorry, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to though. Doesn't sound like a fun story either way, I just wasn't expecting it.

No, you can ask about it. I brought it up, after all. But still, I don't wish to make your death seem any lesser by it.

[and it was his death that made this conversation start. now she's the one that sounds guilty, slightly nervous - they don't have to talk about her and what she's been through, when he's trusting her with a secret. it's not something to brag about, how many times one's experienced death - she doesn't want Rantarou to think she looks down on him for it.]

Oh, don't worry, I didn't take it that way. I mean, dying is gonna be pretty bad across the board, regardless of how it happens, yeah? I don't think it's really the kind of thing you can compare to begin with.

( the difference between dying in a fight, and dying with a knife in your back. the difference between dying one time or many. the difference between dying by your own choice or the hand of another. the difference between dying to an enemy and a friend. no matter how they die, they're all the same in the end, and they've all ended up here, too. the circumstances may hurt for different reasons, but there's nothing to be gained out of trying to figure out who has it worse.

besides, once they get here, pretty much any of them can start racking up tallies if they're not careful. )

It isn't, not really. Dying is dying after all.

[she's quiet again for a moment, leaning back on the bed. what had felt so immediate to say suddenly feels harder, her hands metaphorically clutching to it as if the truth would protect her for keeping it inside. it's hard, when what's unspoken and known becomes unknown. but she wants to tell someone, even if they look at her different for it. someone who'd then understand why those words being flung about hurt. why she has to worry about where they'll go back to, if they don't just become someone else. why she avoids the subject of where she's from, or things she misses.

Rantarou had met her, and had been kind, when it would have been easy to lock her in that room and save himself. had taken her by the hand and brought her to the void, so she could understand. he's always been decent to her, and now Helena hopes that still, it will come from a genuine place, and not pity.]

...I've died so many times I've honestly lost track of the number. I stopped writing it down, and so I couldn't say how high the count is. Over and over, many different ways. And it doesn't get any easier. You simply just begin to expect it.

( ... )

I can see why you wouldn't want to go back...

( why the idea of a new life, a fresh start that could pull her out of whatever grotesque cycle she found herself trapped in, would be a good thing for her, rather than something negative. it's not something he can blame her for, and rather than pity, it's sympathy that colours his words when he speaks up. )

Sorry, I guess it's just a difference in circumstances. I still can't say I like the idea for myself — reincarnation, I mean — but I don't expect you to feel the same.

( a wry smile tugs at the corners of his lips. )

Not that I think I'd fare much better if I could go back, I just...

( think that anything would feel better than to accept forgetting and failing with such finality. )

I understand. And...maybe I even empathize some, with not wanting to forget.

[tilting her head back, she wonders what the stars look like. she's been told they're there in this room, right above their heads, but to her, it's all the same sometimes.]

It's closer to...if reincarnation is the one way that I won't go back there, I'll take it. If I could follow someone else, go somewhere else and still be the me I know now, I'd like that best of all. But I won't ask for too much - why should I be greedy?

Yeah, I get it. With the situation being what it is, it makes sense even if it's not ideal.

( like he'd said before, but he can't give any agreement beyond that. doesn't want to give her the wrong idea either, like he disapproves of the choices she's made with her own priorities. his are just... different, y'know? as she turns her attention up, amami follows her gaze, counts the pinpricks through the glass. )

We don't know for sure right now, what graduation's all about, but... If it's something good, I'll do what I can — to make sure you can get there.

( he might be hopeless no matter the outcome, but for some of the people here — for rika, for meng yao, for helena — it doesn't have to be the same for them.

if it's the end of the line for him no matter what he does, he can at least chase after the best outcome for the rest. )

...If it's good, I don't want to graduate without you.

[she says it softly, and the hand she knows is closest to him reaches over, trailing on the blanket until she can find his hand to touch it. to connect, to remind herself that he's right here.]

We might not agree on what makes the self, but those things that are important to you...I don't want you to lose those. And we don't know that there isn't a way that you could keep them, that you could live again and be Rantarou as you are now. So until we know for certain there is no way, I want to keep faith that there is one, and we just haven't found it yet. I want that for you, with all my heart.

...

( it's... not quite an answer he can say he's looking for. amami, he's still getting a feel for this place — has been here too long to know so little, but still needs more to make any hard and fast decisions about something like graduation. as it stands now? no matter how good it may be for helena, there's little and less reason for him to believe it would be the same for him. at the same time, to say as much aloud would look pretty bad; even he can understand that.

not that he's giving up, it's just... well, he doesn't want to get into it right now. so he does what he always does when he doesn't want to talk about himself anymore. he changes the topic. )

You feel any better, now that you've got that off your chest?

i'm getting a good grade in yogen lore, which is something normal people definitely try to get

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