yogen | (open) break yourself inside out

Entry tags:

(open) break yourself inside out

who: Whoever wants to show up.
what: Nine body pileup, who wants to compile info.
when: 10/7, at least
where: Dorms study hall
warnings: Attempted murder over children's games

[in the afternoon, a message shows up on the forums. is she copying Natsume? utterly, since his organization is why she's thinking about this.]

h.adams

Please try to set aside an hour or so of your time this evening at around 7:30 pm to return to the study hall. I'd like to speak with as many people as possible regarding the recent incident in the school.
-H.A.

[and she won't be replying to anything posted below it.

by the time the hour rolls around, Helena's set herself up in the study hall with the rolling whiteboard she took from the school set up. the markers are a toss up between colors, but the important part is there. she's seated herself by it, and when 7:30 hits, an alarm on her PDA goes off. silencing it, she stands up.]

Thank you for coming. I realize it's another demand on people's time, but given the vast scope of the murders, there's more to be said than unsaid. With it, we had no choice but to split up and find what we could, to do our best at the least to remember and categorize what we saw. Generally speaking, I'd like if we could pool our resources to see if we might draw any parallels between what was where, and if there are any peculiarities to distinguish this or that event.

With that said - [she points behind her at the whiteboard, where Rantarou has been kind enough to write out a list] - if we could try to speak individually, we could write down anything critical shared, so we could look at it from a larger perspective. As well, if something comes up in other days, we could reconvene and add in new information.

As I am unable to do it for you, please allow my dependable transcriber to do so. And a final note before we begin - if anyone becomes overly agitated, I request that you kindly step outside until you can keep your voice to a moderate level. Sound echoes well enough without yelling added to the mix.

Let's begin.

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Well, he's the one I know you know, Helena.

[True but... it's also beating around the bush. A deflection, a lie. ...he owes her a little better than that, with the bitter acrid taste still on his tongue. She's too sharp as well. There's the shift as he places his face in his scarf, eye contact falling away.]

...

Say, Helena... if he killed me, what would you do?

[Well, he knows the answer to that. Nothing would happen really. Since he already knows, it can't hurt him to be surprised.]

Haha, that's cruel, isn't it. I-I won't make you answer that. Boogeyman, huh... What's worse, do you think? Someone you don't know who'll kill you once and be done with it, or a friend who'll torment you for fun, over and over?

[the question has her hands tighten on her cane even more, head raising on reflex - he'll see from the corner of his eye the uncertainty, the way that question makes her feel like she's been caught. fear, like that question might really be before her, before he changes tack. is this what he wanted, to see this? to send her off balance when she had gone with him to try to collect herself - to hide before going back out, looking for Rantarou to check on him, to try and be strong again when she'd wanted to flee from that room.

what does he want? what is he trying to say?]

...Someone you know. Because the more they know you, the better they know how to hurt you, I'd imagine. They wouldn't even be a friend, just someone using the word.

[why is he asking this?]

Just someone using the word... r-right.

[He gives a small, quiet and mirthless bark of a laugh, pulling his beanie down his head with both hands before turning to the cups and the kettle which has, mercifully, boiled, quietly flicking off sometime behind all this, back to her. He saw that motion, that readiness to flee, to hit him with the same thing she hit Dito with. Why does he keep doing this? Why can't he stop? What did he expect?

It really is true. The more you know someone, the better you can hurt them... He lifts his head, back still to her as he pours.]

Do you want milk in yours?

[He's not really a milk person but he doesn't know if Helena is. There's only the slightest doubling tremor to the sound of him putting the kettle back down on it's stand that suggests he's anything but completely calm and casual.]

...Sou. Look at me.

[she knows he isn't. she knows he's turned away from her - she can't sense his eyes. it's not about the drinks anymore, but about answering this, because it feels like the moment she lets it slip away she'll never hold it again. never be able to come near where she stumbled into.

breathe in. breathe out. breathe in. try to face it. her voice is softer when she speaks again, but Helena doesn't waver.]

What's really on your mind? There's something there, I know there is. Please...

[the hand that doesn't hold her cane reaches out, feeling for where he is. whatever she ends up touching, it's soft, and she holds onto it - not him, so that tension won't reemerge, but still him, so he maybe won't run away.]

I want you to trust me.

[Her hand closes in one of the wings of his jacket; he half-turns, at the motion and request, hand hovering in the air over the cups before coming back to hover over his scarf.]

I...

[Maybe you can perceive it. His heart, trembling. He wants to trust her too. He does. Never mind the part of him that whispers that anything he says can get back to Komaeda, the moment she's asked, because she doesn't see the danger- but. He does. He... he wants to be understood. At his core, he wants to connect. He wants to be able to trust her.]

I-I... I don't want you to. End up like me. D-doubting every time someone is kind, even a little. Hurting others... I hurt you just now, didn't I. Always being aware just what someone could do with anything they know about you... because of people like that. It doesn't... feel great.

[He gives a small, self-deprecating laugh.]

I really thought... I could be in control, this time. N-now that I knew. Ahaha... as if.

...you haven't hurt me.

[there's much she has to say, but this needs to be said first, before all the rest. if nothing else, he needs to hear this. her hand tightens a little on his jacket, and she's glad she can't hear anyone else coming - he doesn't need more reasons to run away.]

No, I was disturbed because I don't want that to happen to you. That you would be killed...

[she doesn't want to make that choice, to have to stand there like some arbiter, as if the words of a single young woman mean anything in regards to who is worthy to live. pulled in opposing directions, like a doll whose limbs threaten to tear.]

What you've been through, who you've known to hurt you so, that kind things don't fit, I can scarcely imagine. I won't lessen it by trying to make it fit in my words. But...there are some things I do understand. And you're right - it doesn't feel great at all.

[the last words are whispered, and somehow this admission is stranger than all the rest. feels odd, like feathers spat out of the mouth. it wasn't meant to be there.]

Still, there's light, even if you're used to the dark.

[Is she lying about that, for his sake? He can't tell. He can only wish he really hasn't hurt her.]

Ah...

[He... he shouldn't have spoken to her in that classroom, then. He's already dead, so maybe that zero percent has lost it's power over him, gone like the circle around his neck, or maybe it just shows something deep about him, summed up in two digits.]

W-well, it's not like I want that either... It scared you that badly, huh? S-sorry.

[There's an alert sharpness in his eyes and a crack chipping down his heart as it and the feathers drift down, because... she knows, and she understands, for the worst possible reason. When did that happen? Was it under his nose or... something where he'd already failed before he could even start? It's an ache of a thought.

'Hurt you', 'lessen it'... he doesn't know how to think or feel about these so he'll just fold them away.]

Ahaha, that's the problem, isn't it? Telling them apart... [Maybe the light's an oncoming train, to pull at an ancient metaphor. There's a beat where he remembers, and then shakes his head.] ...'maybe I should have believed in everyone'. That's what I was thinking while I died, so...

[So he's. Trying. But it's hard. Okay it wasn't the only thing he was thinking, or even the last, which was along the lines of 'really hope I haven't fucked up the code' but that's less poignant in this moment.]

[her hand on his coat tightens just a little more, the look on her face passing through shock into something sadder, then acceptance. words that are so heavy, yet tumble out because that door was opened a few days ago. something she shouldn't admit, but she does.]

...you as well?

[another. it is one thing to be told you are in purgatory. it is another to know your death, to have faced it - to face it over and over, in her case. but there it is, a confession between the two of them to hold. they'll get back to what he was recalling in a moment, but this is important - seeing the same wounds, and saying there it is.]

That's all of us here, right?

[But that's more of a placeholder sentence while he thinks about what she's saying with those three words because... does she remember her own, like him? And after that conversation about knowing or not knowing, too...]

...you're the only other person here I've met that remembers it, though.

[Sara didn't, and he doesn't know about Rantaro.]

[a slow, precise nod. maybe it will throw some things in perspective for him, maybe he'll just take it as the gift of knowledge it is. that she knows, intimately, what that abyss is. that surviving, and struggling towards the surface isn't enough. that sometimes you're just not strong enough. but you will try anyway.

she waits, then, for his reply. for it to sink it really, the full weight of it. it's not the lightest thing to give to someone, but if it helps him trust, she will let him perceive it.]

...

[A second, before the full extent of what she's giving him with this clicks, something of her and something... he could use against her, horrifyingly. But then... just knowing the weight of it that doesn't give very many ideas of what to say about it. He hadn't wished that on her at all, the opposite in fact; that knowing of what it was like to know there's nothing you could do... but that didn't really matter because she already did. The ache returns to that spot of his heart.]

Do... you... want to talk about it?

[It's said with the slowness of someone carefully testing out new and uncertain footing. It's the sort of thing you say, isn't it? He's not trying to extract new information from her, or poke wounds, but... she seems to think this sort of thing helps, so maybe it'll help her. (Shifting things further away from the conversational pit they'd just slingshotted around is a bonus.)]

[carefully, she shakes her head. she could, easily. could lose herself down that path again, be so selfish, make this a problem. but she can't, not when she has been trying for something else.]

I don't want to make this about me, Sou. It's still about you, and what's burdening your heart. Not just your worry but...what has you scared.

[Hm.

It's on his lips, something snarky like 'that's how a conversation works, Helena', but he lets it evaporate because... is he one to talk, really. Still, it itches at him.

So many photographs... and not a one of someone else. The walls are starting to grind back up to their heights.]

...Does this have to be about anything?

[He picks up one of the mugs, lacing his fingers around it's warmth and looking down at the swirling patterns, thumb tapping on it a little.]

Scared, heh... you're really curious, aren't you? How about this...

[He's noticed it, that she keeps doing this. He'd like to think there's no ulterior motive beyond concern behind it. He frees a hand to pick up the other mug, tapping it against her stick lightly because pushing a hot mug against her seems like a bad idea.]

We trade.

[It worked with Ranger, and with Rantaro, and she's already kind of started it, placing the knowledge of her death into his hands. It's his go-to footing now; when one kind of trust fails, there's this kind waiting below like a net; the trust of mutual bonds of agreement. Buying and selling it.]

[slowly, she sets the cane aside, leaning it on the counter. it's better than letting go of him, right now, and her now free hand wraps around the cup, finding the handle. for a second, she's quiet, frowning in a different way than earlier, and then she finally speaks.]

That's a difficult choice to make. I'm curious, yes, and I want to know, because you're my friend...but I don't want you to feel as though I pushed you against a wall. Like you're being forced to talk to me. Even if we exchange, wouldn't that resentment come?

[and then it might grow, and she might lose his companionship. that's not what she wants at all - not that high a cost for some information.]

I'm offering, aren't I?

[And he doesn't offer etc etc we all know this is a lie.]

...it's just strange, that's all. Wanting to know more about a friend.

[Beyond the surface level, at least, the waves of conversation on top of the water. He never peered into the depths of Midori. He tried not to hear his parents' discussions. Even with Sara, he's backed off from truly digging now because he's only known that as a weapon he's used against her. Nene... Helena herself... prying just seems, well, invasive, hence his tentativeness and unfamiliarity even in asking.]

No, it's not strange. That's part of what that is.

[her confusion is genuine, not any sort of hurt - it just can't comprehend another way of being.]

Friendship is wanting to know more about a person, and letting them know the same in return. What you like, what you hate, what makes you happy, what makes you sad...your hopes and dreams, your fears. You want to spend time with them slowly learning these things, because they're a person you want to understand, and you reach out to each other in that same way.

Is...is it not the same for you?

W-well...

[ADMIT YOU DON'T HAVE FRIENDS OR PICK UP TWENTY FIVE CARDS.]

I-isn't being someone's friend more... doing things with them? Sharing food, helping them with something, that sort of thing. Spending time, like you said. You don't need to know anything about them for that. I mean... if they talk about themselves, that's nice, but... they could talk about anything.

[Even trivial, meaningless things, because it's all about the listening to it. Just sort of being there in the same moment as the person.

Even this much is just sort of what he's felt out from the murk. The animes didn't prepare him for this...]

Edited (hot cocoa : D) 2021-10-30 09:54 (UTC)

But don't you learn about them by doing all of that? If you didn't know anything about them, even after that time spent...if you couldn't say things they liked or disliked, if you couldn't say what their working habits are, if you couldn't say "this is that sort of person," even a little bit, isn't that rather a hollow relationship? That they told you nothing at all?

[was it even possible?]

You can't just be by yourself, only knowing you. That's...

[she takes a breath, and sips from the mug, even if it's too hot for the moment.]

If I am your friend, I want to know you, and I want you to know me. That's how I understand it.

Edited 2021-10-30 10:01 (UTC)

Y-yeah, but...

[He's struggling to articulate this, because he's never had to think about this, examine it, and also because he's so, so out of practice, even as he's been hanging out with people in Yogen.]

Going in expecting to know all those things... like you're wringing every last scrap out of a person... Ahaha, that's a little cold, isn't it? Why do you even need to know? What does it matter?

[Is he even talking to her, anymore. It's possible... to an extent. The traces Midori left were his scarf, his apartment, and the scars on Shin.]

...I didn't even know my sister was my sister until after I died.

[He... has to put the mug back down. It's a small, quiet, almost strained voice, and it's hard to say what it is. Demonstration? Giving her what she says she wants? Tossing something out there, like chaff, like a lizard's tail? Something just seeping out through the cracks in his heart? Even he doesn't know.]

[no, that's not what she meant, not what she intended, and guilt rises in her throat as bile, wanting her to say that she's presuming too much, she's being too forceful - she hasn't been careful enough, and something is breaking in her hands. should she even still hold on? is this too much, does she want too much from people? Helena doesn't know, and she wants to shrink back until she isn't too much again - controlled to where she needs to be.]

...I'm so sorry.

[the words are a whisper, and she doesn't know if she's apologizing for the pain he knows or her own stupid statements and crossing too many lines. that she didn't say it right, that her words were wrong. things aren't going right tonight, and even if she was trying to not make it about her, her ideas caused this. if she's hurting him, it's no better than if she forced this out of him, dug it out of his chest herself.

her hand's grip is loose enough that if Shin wants to shake her off, he can.]

[He isn't going to shake her off, and maybe that's even worse, because it's impossible to know if he's hitting the other end of the bell curve where lies resignation, or if he genuinely does want her to stay.

Sometimes, something brittle will crack along it's faultlines.]

I-it's fine... It's-

[You wanted to know, right? He manages to trap it behind his teeth this time. Why does this keep happening. He just wanted to... give her something that wasn't the meeting, right now. Maybe like, work around to a way of expressing the concern in his heart that wouldn't involve him opening his mouth and shoving an entire leg inside. Stupid... he's done it again, hasn't he? Make someone hate him... and he's still not entirely sure what exactly did it, other than injury.

He grabs the mug again, this time with the fervor of someone who really needs something warm and solid to hold onto right now.]

...

[What can he even say, that won't feel like more of the same? But he can't just say nothing...]

...Sorry. C-can we... [Just forget that happened? Haha, no. He stares down at the mug for a bit more.] Nevermind... This... It just... happens, sometimes. Ahaha...

[So it's not your fault. It's not your fault and he can think and feel that, because he knows by now, how easy it can be to hurt someone and not even want to.]

...we don't have to talk about it.

[pulling back, letting him have his boundaries in his mind. stepping back from whatever raw and bleeding thing she's touched, swallowing down that it's not fine, is it she feels. how does something like that just happen once, let alone multiple times? what's happened to him?

if she wasn't certain he'd hate it, she'd hug him, try to ground him that way. it works for her, but Helena remembers that tension in his arm from just that. so she stays quiet, slowly pulls her hand back since he seems to have forgotten it was there.

it's not sorrow or pain that's written across her face, it's worry, and it's for him.]

[Part of him wants to, which is what surprises him. But it's just a little too raw right now, and he doesn't want to make promises about it either. Besides, telling her about Kanna was the bridge too far.]

T-there's things you don't like talking about either, right?

[He noticed the deflection, the this is about you, not me. Please tell him you understand it, understand this, whatever it is. Because he does want to be understood if not known. He can't look at the worry on her face, can't face it. It feels too much more like pity than he wants it to, but it also hurts because he's put that on her. At what point did he turn into bickering shards?]

You say you want me to know you as well but...

[He's not actually trying to guilt trip her or point out hypocrisy so much as... still reaching out for that 'you get it, right?' He trying to adjust the machinery while it's still running, which is rarely a good idea.]

Not if it comes at the expense of you.

[the cocoa is almost bitter from the weight of her feelings. hot, but not as soothing as it was ever meant to be. how to explain it to him?]

If we're talking about one thing, why would I take control and turn the subject to something else without a reason? Conversations require listening as much as speaking.

[if it's about Shin and his difficulties, why would she bring up herself beyond touching on points of relation?]

I don't...go in expecting to learn everything about somebody. It's more that I hope we can learn to like and trust each other enough that one day, in the distant future, we might share more than just the smaller things. But to get there, it's a long, long path of time.

[it's optimistic of her to, but it's how she is. she wants to believe the world might be a better place than it seems at times.]

Right...

[It feels like they're talking past each other, like cogs that have slipped out of alignment. How is it this is easier with people who are cruel than people who are kind? How is it they're both trying so hard, and getting nowhere?

He takes a sip of his own cocoa. It's a little too sweet.]

I'm not... that fragile, Helena.

[No, he's not, shut up, stop grinning.]

It's not like I'll break if I listen to you as well, ahaha. Pfft. 'Taking control?' I'm the one who mentioned it...

[It suddenly just seems incredibly funny, all of this.]

Like and trust, that's how you measure it, huh. [It still seems strange to him but... maybe he's starting to get it a little. Possibly. He has no idea. But it makes sense as a barometer equally as well as a goal.] ...we've got the time at least.

[All the time in the world, being dead. It's kind of strange to think, really. He's never going to age past this... he's going to be like this forever unless he graduates and reincarnates or something. He's still not sure what he thinks about that.]

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