yogen | (open) break yourself inside out

Entry tags:

(open) break yourself inside out

who: Whoever wants to show up.
what: Nine body pileup, who wants to compile info.
when: 10/7, at least
where: Dorms study hall
warnings: Attempted murder over children's games

[in the afternoon, a message shows up on the forums. is she copying Natsume? utterly, since his organization is why she's thinking about this.]

h.adams

Please try to set aside an hour or so of your time this evening at around 7:30 pm to return to the study hall. I'd like to speak with as many people as possible regarding the recent incident in the school.
-H.A.

[and she won't be replying to anything posted below it.

by the time the hour rolls around, Helena's set herself up in the study hall with the rolling whiteboard she took from the school set up. the markers are a toss up between colors, but the important part is there. she's seated herself by it, and when 7:30 hits, an alarm on her PDA goes off. silencing it, she stands up.]

Thank you for coming. I realize it's another demand on people's time, but given the vast scope of the murders, there's more to be said than unsaid. With it, we had no choice but to split up and find what we could, to do our best at the least to remember and categorize what we saw. Generally speaking, I'd like if we could pool our resources to see if we might draw any parallels between what was where, and if there are any peculiarities to distinguish this or that event.

With that said - [she points behind her at the whiteboard, where Rantarou has been kind enough to write out a list] - if we could try to speak individually, we could write down anything critical shared, so we could look at it from a larger perspective. As well, if something comes up in other days, we could reconvene and add in new information.

As I am unable to do it for you, please allow my dependable transcriber to do so. And a final note before we begin - if anyone becomes overly agitated, I request that you kindly step outside until you can keep your voice to a moderate level. Sound echoes well enough without yelling added to the mix.

Let's begin.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[subaru told himself if he ever faced something wanting to hurt him he'd swing first like amami.

but this thing is made of metal so he is not gonna do that!

instead, he'll brace himself to wait just until junk monokuma leaps again so he can dodge around it, fleeing back towards the way he came and going to the classroom side again!

due to being surprised, i rolled for disadvantage and got an 8. with a dex bonus of +6 due to his idol training and natural talent for improv, it comes to 14. make with that what you will.]

( junk monokuma like bitch you thought!

SUBARU manages to FLEE back down the steps, he's smart enough not to place his hands on the railing to keep himself from stumbling during his descent, he does, however, trip over his feet, almost falling, but miraculously catching himself against the wall. whether he's out of breath, or worried about what will happen next, don't worry, the sound of metal scraping against the floor comes closer —

from above, he can note that the JUNK MONOKUMA is trying to follow SUBARU down where he had disappeared to. skinny, mechanical arms reach out, dragging the (appears to be) half-broken robot forward, and oil remains splattered on the walls, and now drizzling down the stairs. out the corner of subaru's eyes, he can see the black liquid pooling on the final step.

> LOUD SCRAPING SOUNDS ARE COMING FROM UPSTAIRS

AHAHAHA... QUICK, HIDE!

> BATHROOM
> NURSE'S OFFICE
> FACULTY OFFICE
> COUNSELOR'S OFFICE

[well

he knows for sure the counselor's is out, and he isn't sure about faculty, and there's at least something in the nurse's office to use--

but the bathroom is right there, and that damn bear might catch sight of him if he chooses wrong, so he'll duck into the bathroom. what is this question mark.]

Edited (only for u nms) 2021-10-18 05:02 (UTC)

( "only for me" you LITERALLY did this.

the moment subaru slips into the shelter of the bathroom, junk monokuma has made his way down the steps barely catching the tail-end of the other's attire when it quickly turns its head — red eye glowing within the darkness as it pulls, and desperately grabs the floor, yanking itself forward with oil spilling from behind. whether a robot can become irritated, there's something hostile about it as it leaps forward against the wall, gears turning in it's body as it makes its way closer to the bathroom that subaru has chosen.

it's the first stall he passes, and then the second that doors quickly swipe open, pulling him into the darkness of the enclosed space by the back of his attire — the door shuts, alarming the bear to a specific location — it peers into the bathroom, it's paws leaving behind messy, blank prints.

as for subaru, he's cooped away inside of the stall, his back pressed against someone's chest, and komaeda's index, middle, and ring prosthetic fingers forced into the orifice of the male's mouth to keep him quiet. it's a win/win or lose/lose situation — the idol makes noise, allowing them to be found, or he shuts up with the taste of blood lingering against his tongue from komaeda's own teasing of the cut on his chest. he pulls him back closer until their legs are on both sides of the commode, and from the visible crack at the bottom is where they can see the shadow of something roaming about.

the red glare that glides across the floor to tell which way the monokuma unit is looking, and it flashes to glance inside a stall away from them. )

[only for you!!!!!!

it's a different sort of rush than the stage-- it's a rush he hasn't felt since he was five, six, seven eight halfway to nine and it's not a good one by far, head light and heart aching with every pound of the metal clashing against the stairs ground wall, and he passes the first stall because he wants to get to the end and thank god the door covers the sound of his initial yelp (that's quickly silenced by fingers in his mouth, the acidic iron taste of blood invading it immediately)

but the bear is here, there is something not warm, but not quite cold against his back, holding him in one place and while his first instinct was to dig his elbow back, he doesn't make it but a touch before the red glare scans across the floor and he freezes, unable to breathe and saliva pressed out like a serpent's venom in his otherwise dry mouth.

subaru chooses silence. his brain has chosen silence, just like what he and his mom chose years and years and years ago while rocks and worse were thrown through their windows, against their door, while the shouts of abuse rang worse than the glass scattered across the floor, cut further without dripping a single drop of blood onto the ground. squeezes his eyes because it's easier to deal with the dark and panic that way, easier to focus solely on the taste in his mouth and not on the scrape of metal searching for him (them?), and he definitely thinks he may retract his statement to rokuro earlier this week just a little.]

( as for komaeda, there's disgust evident as he glances down to see who he's pulled in — he knows the sound of a monokuma unit, he's worked with them and against them, and so hearing someone run in here while being chased by one is his stroke of bad luck. he can probably use this for good luck along the way, maybe, but that mass of fluffy, orange hair only tells him his efforts of getting away have failed. despite that, he doesn't let go of him, instead his grip tightens on the back of his clothes to keep him in place, and komaeda's prosthetic fingers aren't aware of how hot the other's mouth is, nor how saliva wraps around them — those senses are null, and that's because his arm wasn't modified for those sensations.

every little movement from the junk monokuma sounds like it's breaking apart, and the close it moves across the floor, and the mirrors reflecting its every action, the more irritated it must become. leaping onto the sinks, the sound of the faucet turning on from where its bumped the handle, turning it too far that the sound of running water is heard. it overflows, pouring onto the ground to mix with the oil, and underneath the stall's door, they can watch as the water seeps towards their shoes — the liquid shaping around their shoes.

it's unfortunate that junk monokuma won't leave, so they'll have to make it.

komaeda's fingers push down onto subaru's tongue, trying to grab his attention as he slowly slips his fingers out, covered in saliva that he rubs them against the other's cheek to clean them off. he can't see the way the strings of saliva attach within the dark, but with his other hand pressed against the flat of his back, komaeda lifts on foot up, kicking the door open with a loud bang that exposes their location, and the animatronic turns quickly in that direction. in response, komaeda pushes subaru forward into the center of the bathroom to be seen by the creature — )

How hard is it for you to understand... to stay away from me!

( the junk monokuma targets subaru first, red eye locking on until komaeda's voice is too audible, and it turns towards the stall specifically to locate him — it doesn't see him because of the door in the way, but if it lowers its scanner, it can see his feet at the bottom, and his location is also given away. there's a rattle in it's inhumane growl, robotic sounds as it jumps to the top of the first stall, it's long, skinny arms reaching over them to grab onto the next headrail.

...

komaeda would be unlucky to ping its attention. he's not complaining, though, it's here he quickly unbuckles the hacking gun from his waist to toss it over to subaru without any warning — it's always a life or death situation, so he better act fast. )

WILL HE CATCH IT?
> YES.
> NO.

[it's really something out of a horror movie, just listening to it, but the press does catch his attention; he makes a face komaeda can't see at his spit being wiped on him, and then the door is kicked open he's shoved out and he is so very painfully aware, more than ever, of the eyes on him.

and then they're off him at komaeda's yell, but subaru can't feel a moment's peace when they're targeting the very person he came to find himself-- so to the question, will he catch it?

yes. reflexively, only the way someone who does sports can.

does he know what it does?

no.

but it's gun-shaped enough (? is this a megaphone?) that he's fairly confident in doing what they do in video games and pointing it at junk monokuma and pulling the trigger.]

( komaeda's back against the stall of the bathroom isn't out of fear, but it's acceptance — subaru wouldn't know how to use the item, and this way if komaeda's truly lucky, luckier than he's ever been... subaru will fail the shot, cause the junk monokuma to kill him, and it would be a despairing death. a tally added onto subaru's wrist, one that came from trying to help someone who didn't want to be helped. he inhales, a small smile on his face as he watches the red scan of the monokuma register on his body, and it doesn't stop — it doesn't care for what data it has considering it kills without discrimination.

i rng'd through what abilities komaeda had on it, and luckily for subaru he has won with link! a multicolored for the gays heart shoots from the gun, and in turn if subaru wasn't ready for the recoil — he gets pushed back just a bit, but it floats up and down, attracted to the monokuma unit, and it's all about targeting, with no friendly fire so...

BUT by rolling a 17, subaru's aim is cherub-like! catching the monokuma in the middle of a jump, the heart connects, causing it to fall right into the stall with komaeda. it's arm outstretched, reaching out to where the ultimate had stabbed himself — where the blood stains his chest. it doesn't move through, komaeda slowly blinking as he stares down at the machine.

as for subaru, there's a small screen on the side of the hacking gun that shows the monokuma's profile:

JUNK TYPE
> UNLOCK

it's image spins in pixelated blue, and there's a jagged checkmark which represents its eye on the side, and limit is written above. small, red pixels slowly begin to consume the blue side, which if subaru notices, he's able to control the monokuma to move by using the screen's touch system. )

[he Isn't ready for the recoil, gets pushed back a bit against the sink, and breathes a sigh of relief when he sees it stop and drop in front of komaeda. bearly, but still done. his heart is pounding, words breathless--]

Are you okay, Maddy?

[and it's then he notices the new features on the gun, the slowly consuming red, and he experimently touches the controls; a metal paw is going to hit the toilet, cracking it hairline, and subaru hums in understanding as he works at the screen, having the monokuma make its way out of the stall and to the door... he has no idea where to put it.]

...What do you think, I knew you'd be able to handle a life or death situation.

( the crack is visible, and due to subaru learning controls, the junk monokuma also hits komaeda in the stomach when swinging around to leave from the stall. of course, komaeda places a hand over the area, falling down to his knees with his breath knocked out for him.

...
...
...

the timer is still going down, but luckily for komaeda seeing subaru's concerned look on his face, he speaks... strained: )

Up the... stairs... it'll forget being... ( cough. ) controlled...

[okay. subaru'll move over to the stall, leaning against it as he moves the monokuma out the bathroom and starting down the hall... up the stairs... slowly his heart returns to normal too, as he takes quick glances at komaeda to make sure he's okay, outside of being winded, to formulate what he wants to say--

remembers natsume's words instead and decides just to focus on one thing at a time.

it's only once the monokuma is back to patroling the floor above, the scraps of metal and thudding obvious, that subaru'll step inside the stall proper and shut it. holds out the hacking gun, should komaeda be able to stand again. yes its this icon. he's lip pushed out try to work out the "magic" part of what he needs to do.]

( he exhales, sitting properly with his back to the wall as he reaches up for the hacking gun to sit it in his lap, checking the side to see that the monokuma lifeline is gone, but it's subaru who had it so of course someone not accustomed to the technology wouldn't know the tips and tricks. )

You did what you had to do... you wanted to be a hero right?

( because he keeps chasing, and that's why people chase? to do good so they feel good about themselves? )

I've never wanted to be a hero, Maddy.

[he may act it, sometimes, but it's never been a desire of his -- save as variety show guest, maybe, a game. but not like this. subaru keeps the rest of his words bitten back for now and breathes out, moving closer and crouching down to tug at komaeda's jacket, his shirt.]

Take it off. Natsume taught me something, so I'm gonna make use of it... hopefully.

[because natsume wouldn't grant him instructions if he couldn't, but he's still a little nervous about it; regardless, regardless, his want to help komaeda is stronger than anything else, so surely it will work out.]

Huh? A-Are you trying to undress me?

( that's obviously what he's trying to do, but komaeda's saying it aloud just in case subaru doesn't know what he's doing, or rather... saying. it's not like these bathrooms have heat, and it's not like he's a warm person himself, but to remove his clothes for someone else to see his body proportions which are actually shapely... he'd rather not. )

I don't mind if he taught you how to use your fingers, but you're not an Ultimate... so I'm not interested.

( which means komaeda will smack the other's hands away, but he flinches due to small little pull of his shirt since it still stings around his chest. of course, he offers subaru a warm smile to reassure him in hopes that he'll give up. )

...I'm fine, Akehoshi-kun.

Komaeda, I don't care if you say you're fine.

[they can stay on, then. but subaru's gonna grab komaeda's organic wrist and squeeze it, even if it'll hurt to be hit by the metal one more. feel his warmth, from the fingers wrapped around his wrist and the ones that brush with purpose against his chest.]

I'm gonna take care of you, 'cause we're both stupid, talentless losers compared to those ultimates you love so much. Natsume told me to try and talk to you in a way that you'd accept, but I can't really do that, y'know? I'm not good at it like him.

[who always has the right thing to say, no matter who the person is. who komaeda seems to like, or respect, or whatever. but subaru and komaeda have connected a little, have understood each other a bit, but more than anything it really is a matter of friendship.]

( there's so much he could say to being touched, and then what subaru says, but if he thinks komaeda's that easy, he's out of his mind. komaeda doesn't even lift his hand to punch him, no, he just stares at subaru to see if he means what he says. talking in his language only goes so far, but if there's no honesty behind those words, he's practically not listening. )

Sakasaki-kun is quite the cockatiel, he says cute words that people fall for... It is the way he speaks.

( because it's part of natsume's craft doesn't mean subaru's able to master it in one sentence by saying he's lowly, even komaeda knows that. )

If you can take care of someone, why aren't you with the person who deserves to be healed... Why are you here when Amami-kun... ( he stops, the though flashing in his head, and komaeda feels sick to his stomach. it happened again, and he wants to be to himself at the moment —

sighs. )

...Stupid, talentless losers are aware of where they're needed.

[he does mean it in part, that he's gonna help komaeda, and if that means he has to try and use the same words komaeda does then by damn he'll mean those too. subaru knows how natsume is and can't deny the other's words, doing as he'd been instructed and trying to pull the magic to his fingertips, which feels stupid and maybe that's why it's not working so well at first.]

Didn't I tell you before? Ama-chan has people -- I'd get in the way, and you're hurt too. You need someone, even if you don't think so.

[yeah, subaru's given up on trying to speak komaedaese really. it's better just to speak from the heart... that seems to work anyway, and subaru's brows draw tight as he decides maybe trying to "flick" a lighter with his fingers is the way to go, since it's a physical action and easier to deal with--

nothing. but frustration can bear fruit, so maybe just one more try...]

( ultimates have people, sure, they do, they always will, and komaeda who is just well as inviting doesn't think people that can tend to others should be here. he's been through this before, hurt more than he could count on his fingers twenty times, and no one was there — he doesn't need anyone now, he thinks as he smacks at subaru's hands again — he doesn't know exactly what he's doing, but he doesn't want it. )

Is it hard to understand that I don't have anyone.

( it's no secret, but he doesn't say it as pity, he says it because it's a simple fact that he knows, and one he can say with a smile on his face. he's happier that way, one would guess. )

...Rather, do you believe you can save everyone? Do you know that there are some people you shouldn't help?

( his cold metal hand will wrap around subaru's own, a silent request for him to cease and desist, to give up and leave it alone. even if komaeda's bleeding from his chest, it's nothing serious... he's been through worse. it's fine. )

I'm giving you a hint.

And I'm gonna ignore it.

[he knows what komaeda's getting at. but he's not aiming to save everyone, or even just anyone he can -- he knows this probably isn't even life-threatening, if komaeda can still move the way he does, subaru's gonna bruise and that's fine he's still flicking his fingers--]

'Cause you're not like them, [the people who don't deserve help, the people who do nothing and hitch onto the coattails of others,] and you deserve-- a little warmth too--

[small stars pop out of his efforts, held aloft the way a flame in a lighter would, and subaru sits there stunned for a moment before looking back up at komaeda, eyes hard but asking,]

You can hate me, but I'm still gonna help you.

[he can't move his hand if komaeda's metal one is on it, though he'll definitely try anyway; his healing won't ever be as good at natsume's, but he'll be able to ease it somewhat.]

You're hardheaded, and that sort of nature...

( will it come back to bite him in his ass, or will it save him later down the line — or does it help push his attempt to make little stars dance upon his fingers. it's a... weird experience first hand, that sudden spark of hope that shines before him — it's an example, he thinks, it's far too weak, it'll die soon because it's not practiced like natsume's, but it's familiar. )

...You're an idiot too, but nothing will come out of this. ( he says that like subaru is unable to accept reality, but he builds his own ideals without care for what anyone else thinks. it's funny, to call himself a stupid, untalented individual, and then try to use magic when that equates to hope — he wonders if this is subaru's way of mocking him or something.

komaeda would hate him if it was to mock hope, but it's not that, instead, this is just the other's fantasy to help komaeda in anyway that he can. ) I could crush your wrist, make that hand unusable...

( sometimes his prosthetic has a mind of its own, or maybe that's his own insanity eating away at his morals. unfortunately, komaeda works the same as always, it's just a small cut, nothing too bad even though it's made a stain on his clothes. ) But... ah... If I don't allow you... you won't be able to keep it going, will you?

( it's like he's testing him, testing his hope... rather. )

If you crush my wrist, I'll use my foot to heal you.

[even if it's a small cut, it's something -- even if it's nothing big, subaru wants komaeda to know someone is there, still, looking out for him. wanting to help him. even if it'd be better for subaru to have nothing to do with komaeda, even if it ends up with him hurt... subaru spent years with people turning their heads to his pain, scoffing at it and saying it's what he and his mom deserved; he can't stand it coming from someone else, especially about themselves.

the magic itself sputters, but it doesn't die. it could be blown out, but subaru's gonna spread his hand carefully and let the stars consume it; if it were fire maybe it would burn, but such healing magics offer nothing but a comforting warmth the true thing could never have.]

I'll leave you alone after this, if that's what you really want. But how can I make you understand that I wanna be around you, Maddy?

( and crush his wrist is what komaeda does, or attempts, his mechanical hand whirrs gently in the bathroom stall to an echo as he squeezes tight against subaru's wrist, it'll hurt, it'll sting... but his bone won't crack, because komaeda relinquishes his hold right after.

there's no understanding, there's no one to understand, because even the person that he thought knew him well hated him at one point, and now follows him around like a lost dog — that person who before fought tooth and nail to pull komaeda out that dreamlike state, to grab his hand and pull him from his chamber of death... is gone. concepts like people wanting to stay with him doesn't last forever, and so he makes no effort to let them build a bridge to him. instead, a thick glass wall would do better, so he could watch, yearn, and force himself to ignore. )

...You're going out of your way to heal a flesh wound that'll heal in a month worth of time.

( his chest burns, but he allows the warm comfort of subaru's hand, thinking that the sooner he does this, the sooner he'll leave. does komaeda want him to leave? well, yes, he does, unfortunately he believes asking such a question will cause subaru to remain longer, probably drown komaeda in his pity. )

Are you that lonely, or have been that lonely... you can't stand to see it again?

( he thinks back to the other when he spoke to the tree, and komaeda speaks up like a quote. )

I've been ignored before, so I know how much it hurts -- even if you pretend like everything's okay, even if you try not to mind. And it's even worse when you can't really say anything, huh?

...

( selective dementia didn't eat that away, i wonder why... )

Is that why?

[at least he can help. at least he has some control over this, huffing quietly when komaeda releases his stinging wrist and he can encourage the magic to do its work; it might be a wound that'll heal in a month's time, but anything can happen in a month and he's not someone who just lets the people he finds importance in to just walk way -- he never has, and he never will.

the question causes him to glance curiously at komaeda, and then the mimicked words recall the conversation beneath the tree with a little more clarity than the poisoned mind offered; there's a difference between feeling something and then knowing it happened, after all, and he feels his neck burn a bit at the reminder. talking to a tree like that... subaru still lingers when he passes it, even now, thinking of the souls who can't speak.]

... Yeah. So what?

[subaru can't help but be a little defensive, a little on guard-- when more personal, unsettling feelings like that get brought up it happens without thought, like a door mostly shut. metaphorical eyes peer out from the crack, knuckles tight as they watch the visitor.

it's not about pity, though. it's seeing a like peer and watching to reach out, to help, to forward the kindness shown to him; pity is for people who haven't experienced it before and live vicariously through another's suffering, compassion is wanting to do good in the world so one can be rewarded for it. this is... it's different.]

( "so what?" and it's obvious, the guard that he puts up, probably the shock that komaeda could remember somethin so precise despite his mind deteriorating. that day is embedded in his brain for the simple fact that subaru showed so much of himself then, and another time, even a time after that. a bleeding heart, or his heart is stitched on his wrist held out for whoever to see — replace the tally marks, and allow his heart to bleed instead. it's the confirmation of why he does this, because it hits home for him specifically, and komaeda would rather not be seen as a mirror.

their struggles are different, komaeda has suffered for twenty-three years of his life, he is no idol, he is ultimately apathetic person noticed by no one. this talent of his calls for nothing but disasters, but it's his strongest power that he uses when there's nothing else left. uncontrollable, rampant, even now between the crawling above them that causes debris to shake down from the tiles to between them where they sit, or how the crack within the toilet deepens, and runs further. )

"On the brink of sleep I have a gloomy thought: that saving yourself is only pushing yourself even deeper into the trap rather than getting out. Dying is the only way out." Author, Erri De Luca.

( he looks up at subaru, eyes meeting with his afterwards, and while the other's fingers dance with little stars, he doesn't say anything else. it's something for him to think about, for the other to break down, because if subaru sees the people around him in the position that he was... doing this to save them, he'll regret it. they'll come a time where saving is not the option, and dying will be his course of action, why save when he can let them die, because it's not unfamiliar for someone to burn alive, and then awake months later to push off the ashes that cover their body. )

Explain it to the best of your ability.

I don't wanna play philosophers with you.

[it always makes him think too much, winds him around words until he's sick of it -- and yet he's still entertained komaeda every time they start on a new round, and subaru often wonders why. maybe because it's not a direct way of picking at him, the way that natsume tended towards, so it doesn't put him on edge quite the same way. again and again it reminds him of eichi, someone he's fond of, someone he looks up to and is equals with... reminds him of nagisa too, always winding around a point and knowing it's rarely understood -- but subaru likes to understand him, too, strikes at the heart and gets the same in return.

...

but it's obvious subaru's thinking, despite his words, chewing on his bottom lip and letting the stars do their work as he presses his hand against komaeda's chest gently. once he's satisfied with them... or rather, when he's gonna have to be, the magic disappearing like a flame against a whip of wind, he'll let his hand stay there and give an answer.]

The more you wanna help someone that's like you, the more you'll... end up hurting yourself when you can't do anything for them, or when they don't want you to.

[going on their situation at the moment, komaeda's own words and the beliefs subaru's gathered over their talks; he knows he's a bleeding heart himself, he knows he tends to show it off to the world because there's no reason not to -- the bright, whole side of it anyway, turned inside out so the worse of the scars don't show. everyone had been content to pretend there hadn't been a crying child, so he was too.]

Something like that~. The dying's literal, I guess.

[he understands it with himself and keigo too, after all. that's why he's putting his trust in them to do what they can do.]

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HEHEHEHEH how i waited for u to sleep b4 posting this

me picking up my phone

me waking up from my 2 hr nap sighing

sits on ur chest!!!!!!

picks you up and throws you to the farthest reach of the world

STOOOOOOOP CLINGS TO