yogen | [semi-open] fifth truth bullet: saihara shuuichi

[It sends a sharp pang through him - because it's Nene, first and foremost, looking so miserable as she opens the door and says nothing. But it's also because even if she isn't wearing a blanket, it reminds Hinata of when Kogamo had silently opened the door so long ago, sharply enough that it makes his chest ache dully.

But he has to find his strength, no matter how deeply he has to dig for it. For Nene, he has to.]

...Alright. [He nods slightly; they'd been right after all, then.] I guess... there's only one thing left to do. Here.

[Hinata takes the notebook he'd had clutched in his hands, flips it open to the beginning, and holds it out with one hand. In the other, held lower in case she decides not to take it, is a pen.

On the page he offers her to read, there are words already written.]

Nene... I don't know if it's true, but I've been overhearing some of the other students talking about you. Even if I don't know if I have the right anymore, I'm... worried about you. So I'm writing this, in case it's true you haven't been talking.

This is... a notebook for you and me. Sorry it's not on something fancier; you know how it is for us around here. But it's what's inside it, or what can be inside it, that's a lot more important than how it looks.

It's our notebook to fill with all the words that we want. The memories that we have already, the ones I don't have anymore, and the ones we can still make in the future. All the words that we can't say out loud - because they're too painful, or too embarrassing, or something we'd never want anyone else but us to hear. It's a way for us to communicate right now that gives you the freedom to talk, and a way for me to meet your words in the same way. It's our notebook to fill with Hinata Hajime and Yashiro Nene, however that may look, away from anybody's eyes but our own. Our precious words to keep to ourselves, that no person or memory loss can take away from us ever again.

It's ours, yours... but only if it's something that you want.

I don't know what made you stop talking. I know it must've been for a good reason if it's something you felt like you had to do, because I don't think you'd do something like this lightly. But even if I'm worried, I wouldn't force you to talk to me through this notebook any more than I'd try to force you to talk vocally. It's a choice and possibility, but not a demand.

Whatever you choose, I'll support it. Even if you use this space I left for you to tell me to leave, I'll honor that too. You've had enough things taken out of your hands, so for once, I'm giving something to you.

[At the bottom of the page is a space where Nene could write if she wanted.]

( nene blinks as he holds out the notebook, and then stares down at it. it's... written in? carefully, she takes it, and reads. ... oh...

it's.

an exchange diary. and for once she doesn't think of that shameful memory at the bookstacks, or anything like that. instead she just reads, eyes welling up- something for them, to protect their hearts from lost memories and more, something to share-

something to share, a choice, and a voice reaching out all at once. she doesn't mean to drop the notebook- but it falls from her fingers as she leans forward with a start, arms wrapping around hinata as her shoulders shake in muffled sobs.

even now he loves her. )

[Hinata feels his shoulders go tense when he sees the tears welling, but he doesn't allow himself to react outside of that. Waits, because there's a lot of things it could mean, and he won't presume a meaning that isn't there.

The notebook falls from her fingers, and he immediately thinks the worst, but it's wiped from his mind with what happens next - her arms are around him. She's... hugging him. She's actually hugging him.

His arms are going around her of their own accord, moving without his permission but there's only a brief feeling of worry - if she hugged him like this, it's one meant to be returned.

The tangled knot of feelings that have surrounded his thoughts about Nene start to unravel, loosen, and Hinata can feel that ever present tension slipping away from him. He feels lighter.]

It's okay. [He finds himself saying it, not really sure what the words will be until they leave his mouth. Hinata doesn't know if they're the right ones, but he hopes they are.] It's going to be okay. [And in a movement that he does have full control and intent, he reaches to smooth back her hair on the top of her head.] Even if it's not right now... it'll be better one day. I'll do everything I can to make sure that it is.

( nene cling to hajime- like if she lets go, he'll turn around and go too, like she needs him there to breathe, like if she doesn't, she'll wake up and this will have bene a dream- and cries, cries in grief and love and mourning and want all at once. considering they're just standing in her doorway, it's probably a little awkward, but who's going to harass the trauma-mute girl for crying? literally no one, so many people would kill them. nene doesn't know this, of course, but still.

she stays there, holding and being held, until her sobs turn into soft cries turn into hiccups and she probably needs to wash her face and hinata's shirt is probably wet, and only then does she back up, rubbing at her eyes futilely. it feels like she's out of tears, and like they're still there- she doesn't think about the fact that she probably has scales around the corners of her eyes now, small and barely there but existing.

she tries to say 'i love you'.

she tries to say 'i'm sorry i avoided you'.

she tries to say 'i'm sorry i hurt you too'.

nothing comes out. but she can at least stay with him, right? )

[She can always stay with him. He'll never turn her away.

He doesn't move, aside from those motions of smoothing her hair back, which he never ceases until she pulls back on her own.

His shirt is pretty soaked, and he's a little confused by something being on her face because he doesn't think he had anything on his shirt that could've stuck to her? But he simply smiles, warm and maybe a little watery.

There's one thing he still has, even if it's been longer for her than him.

Hinata reaches out, and the few strands of hair that have slipped forward, just like when she leans over her desk; he tucks them behind her ear.]

...Hey. There you are.

[He hadn't intended to speak much more, not outside of writing, but it slipped out anyway.]

( there she is. not hiding under her blankets behind home-made curtains, or anything else. she gives a weak smile, one hand gently clinging to his shirt still while she bends down to pick up what was dropped. the notebook.... nene hugs it close to her chest, squeezing her fingers tight around the topmost edge and gently tugs hinata into the room a bit further- no more crying on display for everyone, and sore, depressed legs demand a sit. )

[Hinata squeezes her hand lightly when she manages a smile; even if it's weak, it's a tiny miracle all on its own. He lets himself be tugged along with her into the room, finally away from any prying eyes or ears.

There's not many places to sit, aside from the bed, but he'll still make an inquisitive noise and wave at the bed. He's going to try to do his best from here to meet her halfway, and that means cutting down on his talking so she doesn't feel out of place for choosing not to - or not being able to - speak.]

( oh-- her bed is so unmade, because she'd just gotten out of it for hajime alone-- oh how embarrassing, hold on, let her lean over and try to at least flatten everything out.... before she kinda ruins it by plopping down in a tired heap, using a pillow as a support against the wall and holding a large hamster plushie. peering over it's head, she nods- he can sit down. but... oh.

he really is just gonna write, isn't he...? )

[He will. Because he doesn't want her to feel anymore alone, he will.

He pats her head, trying to put all of the reassurance he can into the gesture, then climbs in besides her. Hinata may be tidy, but he won't care if somebody else isn't.

When they're both settled, he'll hold out the pen for her. Held higher, now that he knows she'll receive it.]

( nene takes the pen and looks at the notebook, and it's an honest struggle to not start crying all over again but somehow she manages- unaware of the lingering scales on her cheeks and around her eyes. with her exhaustion, it just doesn't occur to her- and while she tears up easily, she's never truly been a crier like this.

yogen's done a lot to her.

eventually though, she passes it back. )

i'm sorry i avoided you when we needed each other
i'm sorry i let the hurt win
it wasn't fair to you
and it wasn't good for me

i love you hajime-nii

i'm so tired of losing everyone and everything
campbell-san and father abel
izumi-nii
kokichi-kun and kaede-chan
hajun-nii and shinobu-nee
turing and rika-chan and shuichi-kun
stephanie and hanako-kun

you in a sense, even.

i thought with hanako-kun going, to search from a different angle, i could be strong for him
but while i was having fun and spending time with noah and subaru-kun stephanie was all alone, trying to
sacrifice herself to save us all
and for what? we're still here and still hurting and nothing is better

i just lost more family
i was just alone again

it feels like anyone i love is going to leave
what happens if noah goes out one day and never comes back? what if worse than amnesia happens to you?

i'm so tired but no sleep or food or water helps me

the nurse says that i went mute as a trauma response, its psychological
i dont know if it'll come back
i dont know if i want my voice to come back
'i love you' feels like a curse now when i say it.

i don't want anyone else i love to die
i dont want to wake up and wonder if someone will be gone today
i dont want to get out of bed and not see someone in the kitchen for breakfast anymore
im tired

[He takes the book back, preparing himself for whatever he might find on the pages. But even with that preparation, it still isn't enough to brace himself against the way the words make his eyes burn.

It's things that he expected, of course, but it doesn't make him feel any less pained for Nene's sake.

He takes a second, after, to collect himself, wipe at his eyes as discreetly as he can. And then he lifts the pen and begins to write.]

You don't need to apologize for those things. Not when I should be saying sorry, too. I was so guilty for how hurt you were by me losing my memories... I let that guilt overwhelm me to the point where I couldn't even face you. Spent months, even, thinking I didn't deserve to. Not until I got so worried about you that I couldn't afford to think about that anymore.

Even now, I still don't know if I deserve that love... But I love you all the same.

I want to be able to promise you that nothing'll happen to me, or that nobody else we care about will die. But I don't if I should, if I even can, when I couldn't even save Saihara or Kawai. I never thought I'd let anything happen to Saihara especially... and I still failed him.

But... I don't want to give up, either. I want us to get out of here and see what's waiting for us after we get free from this place.

So even if I can't promise that nothing'll happen to me... I can promise that I'll do everything I can to keep us both safe and alive. Even if I can't give more than that, I'll give everything I can to make sure that happens.

We've gone through terrible things since we woke up in this school. You're strong for enduring everything that you have up until now, and you're strong even now when it's become too much. There's no shame in feeling overwhelmed by what's happening when some days here feel like waking nightmares.

If you talk again, you'll talk again when you're ready for it. But if you can't... I know you'll find a way for it to not to interfere with your life, because that's the kind of person you are. And those of us that care about you still will, because you're you.

But whether you talk again or not... regardless of that, don't feel like your love is a curse, because nothing could be farther from the truth. Your love gives all of us the strength to keep fighting. Even if it may be painful at times, love is something beautiful and precious, in all of its shapes and forms. And yours, especially, is keeping so many of us going.

I forgot almost everything else, you know? Friends and precious things that happened here... and yet, through all of that, I still remembered you. I remembered you, and how much I cared about you, even when I lost almost everything else. If that isn't something worth protecting and cherishing, I don't know what is.

( nene takes the book back and reads it all slowly- or tries to, anyways. her vision starts to blur about half-way through- is it the mention of shuichi and rika? the affirmation of her strength combined with the reassurance that she's allowed to be upset...?

either way, neither compares to that earnest declaration of love- though, it's written out in every word he's left for her, in it's own way. instead of writing her own response once more, nene scoots closer and hugs hinata tightly, letting herself cry again- it's not as pained as before, this time. )

[semi-open] fifth truth bullet: saihara shuuichi

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this took forever compared to our other tags this thread but also u'll see why

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