yogen | npc contact.3

previously...

It's not my place, but it would be a shame if it slipped from off my tongue, wouldn't it?

( almost like a threat, but knowing komaeda, npckun would be able to tell if the other would actually rat them out or not. his shoulders fall slack as he sighs, shaking his head as he looks at the other. )

He would blame himself, he'd hate himself, so your whining and complaining would just be mocking him. Have a little faith, some hope in the future.

Edited 2021-11-15 08:18 (UTC)

[ They worry their bottom lip at that supposed threat, because even if Komaeda wouldn't, the mere suggestion of a possibility is enough to plant that seed of doubt and anxiety. ]

...Anego says I can't just sit back and "hope." I have to step up and do something, and make my own hope. But I don't know what to do.

Yep, do you believe hope is a waiting game? You've misunderstood, clinging to others to solve your problems is wasting their talents. You have to work for it as well.

( he sighs watching them, he's moving through all the things that he knows, properly forcing himself to remember what he's forgotten. )

Who did you make your contract with?

God.

[ You know. The person you see when you die. The one who grants miracles. Who is cruel and heartless and delights in unfair, impossible trials.

Or someone like that. ]

Was it God, or someone you thought of as God? Sakasaki-kun believes he's God, but he's just a human like the rest.

( he has to make sure because anyone be calling themselves god out here, even komaeda wants to be that. )

It was God.

[ ... ]

Natsume thinks he's God? Wow.

[ wow............. ]

...Hm? He's controlling.

( he laughs like this is common knowledge, it's wanting to be god behavior. )

Now... what did God say when he offered you the contract? Word by word.

God doesn't speak with words... Haven't you ever talked with God? It's like you know it in your soul.

[ It's like when you have a knife in your chest and start hallucinating all sorts of things and convince yourself of them ]

Yep, God is the person I speak to all the time back home.

( ultimate hope is basically god, that's who decides the pace of the world, who gives you worth or not, and komaeda blushes regardless because ugh... hope. )

That said... We have to break a contract you made with God? Hm... Akehoshi-kun and Amami-kun, and Rokkun will hate this...

Wha-

[ Not only Aniki, but everybody else too?? ]

You can't tell them! Promise me you won't tell!!

Promise what?

( he's just going to use his dementia, leave him alone!! )

...I remember the days when you were just the unfortunate shopkeeper, but it's different now.

[ Nnnggghhh... They remember those days too. In some ways— in may ways— those were better days, those were days where they were confident and self assured and they had no doubts things were going according to plan as long as they stuck the course and made it to graduation day. They would just be the shopkeeper (a shopkeeper, one in a hundred million this school might have had and will have) without a name or a presence or anything that would be missed at the end of the year where one would be exchanged for another.

They were supposed to be nobody. Everybody else was supposed to be nobody. Was it a lost cause from the start? When did their reason for keeping mum shift from "It's nobody's business" to "They'll hate me if they knew"? ]

...don't tell them. I need to be the one to do it.

[ When they're good and ready. Even if that feels like never. ]

...That's what I wanted to hear.

( komaeda leans back against the wall, one leg bent to his chest as the other lays straight, and if his prodding and prying wasn't meant for justice then, to him, it feels like it. their response is the one he wanted to hear, as to why he would continue saying things about letting it slip. with a sigh, he smiles gently, like he's left from being disappointed to bring proud in the other's choice. )

Do you remember a long time ago, you asked me would I be mad if I learned the truth? You wanted someone to be upset over it.

( his voice lowers, whispering to the other. ) Was this what you wanted from me?

[ They settle down in front of him, leaning in, leaning back, wanting to throw their arms around him but now they're not sure anymore, because he was upset, and he's still upset, and they're...

... ]

...I thought I did. Because people get mad at things they care about, and I... I...

[ Wanted to be cared about, maybe, even way back then when it was just a throwaway comment to get Komaeda off their back, not something meant to be remembered or considered. People being upset at you is one of the worst feelings there is, but it isn't the worst. The opposite of love isn't hate, after all; it's indifference, and even though it feels like they've run a hot knife through their chest anew, being walked away from would have hurt more than anything in the world. ]

( they're like a pendulum, swinging back and forth, it's just when their blade will descend, and how will they use it against him? he's waiting, brow raising as he can tell that they're having a little itch, there's something they want to do, and considering they're able to come close, and then back away, then it must have something to do with him. )

...There's no need to wail over it, what's done is done. Though, I won't give up on you.

( not caring would have been beneficial for komaeda, but considering the way he lives, and having a heart unlike some — he may not care for others properly, but he knows emotions, and he wears a smile to mask his own feelings, the true ones anyway. it's dropped within this room, on a perfectly good halloween night, and the mood of coming to check on the other to see if they were making a mistake turned into this. )

God... ( he's thinking about him now. ) Do you think God takes other lives in exchange if the value is greater?

[ "I won't give up on you" is close enough to "I care about you" is enough to tip the scales and have them throw themselves forward, face buried against his chest and arms wrapped around him and if this was the wrong thing to do then he can pry their arms off from around him and throw them off, as if that's a choice they ever offer. ]

That can't be it. My life isn't greater than Aniki's.

( komaeda doesn't give up on hope, that's why he doesn't think of giving up on them — he catches the other as they come close, keeping them in his arms as he wraps his arms around, and he hums in thought. )

That's only if it matters by blood, but I wouldn't give him up yet either...

( because he already paid his debt, switching them in and out, giving one a life and the other a lack of it. hm, but komaeda shakes his head. )

Being close to death is how I talk to that God you spoke to right? ...

[ Not yet, huh? npckun settles against him, relaxing in his arms and keeping silent, just listening for the faint beat of a heart in his chest.

... ]

It depends... Do you believe in God?

I'll tell you a secret that no one knows.

( how does that answer the question, well, he's willing to keep them there, and offer that so maybe they can rest easy. )

Edited 2021-11-17 22:25 (UTC)

[ They lift their head in what feels like the first time in a long time, but they can't look Komaeda in the eyes if they want to keep hugging him so they settle for looking at his chin. ]

What is it...?

I'm a close friend to God, back home, he was Ultimate Hope, and I knew him rather well.

( a god of many talents, having each one, he could do the impossible. )

Everything came with ease, nothing was unobtainable, if he died with me... ah, but I would never wish such a thing on that person! I love him too much, to.

( he sighs, but he was good company regardless. )

[ ... ]

What is your God like?

He should be your God, too. If you have hope, he's the only one that matters.

( he pauses, thinking, and laugh right after. )

He gave me a second chance to live after I killed myself, I'm just like you. I owe him everything.

[ Their head snaps up, nearly knocking Komaeda in the jaw ]

You killed yourself? But— Why?!

( he would have bit his tongue. ) ...?

( did he never say that... oh, yeah, he doesn't really talk about it. )

...For our respective Gods, we owe them much, but I'll make a deal with your God.

10/31 — npckun

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