yogen | sights that can't be seen

[girls like her. what was that supposed to mean, exactly? or really, who is she? if she collapses here, will she wake back up in bed? will her spirit be brought back, cycling again and again, water in a whirlpool that never touches the bottom? but she's alright, with his hands on her shoulders - he can probably feel how she's trembling a little from cold, but still standing up.]

I suppose I am.

[because being lost is easier than saying she went looking to get there. that she needed to breathe instead of wanting to jump down someone's throat. lost, but with someone else.]

Can you see anything at all to guide us?

[give them a goal, a path. even the smallest hint would do. a fence, a wall.]

( komaeda makes many mistakes, and this will happen to be one of them, he starts to remove a jacket from his person in the terrorizing snow, the whistles and screams as the wind blows gives it a bit of life as they're surrounded by a pure wonderland of darkness. he places the jacket onto her shoulders, it's amami's, so he believes that's fine. )

Nope. We might die out here.

( he says easily, laughing only a bit before he starts to walk by her side, the snow crunching under his feet. she can hear that, he's sure, even stepping a little harder so she knows he's there. )

Don't give up though, sometimes... things like this happen for a reason. If we need support, we have to make something out of nothing.

( he's cold, and it's a shame he has no space heater, or a portal, walking heater like normal. truly he's been spoiled, but he looks at helena wondering her thoughts on the matter. )

...What do you hear?

( leaves rustling together? the drop of snow? he may have the eyes, but her ears are better than his. )

[the jacket is appreciated, because even with her own, she's still cold - the weather blows right through her, and so she quickly moves to put it on as much as she can. too big for her, but she knows this particular scent...why does Komaeda have Amami's jacket? that's a question that's not worth asking right now, when she has to listen to the world.

she hears wind. snow falling. the crunch of snow under their feet. his voice. but none of that is going to give them what they want, and she stops, considering things.]

...Just wandering isn't going to get us anywhere but killed, and I'd really rather not die if there's a choice.

[she's thinking. gripping her cane tight in her hands, tapping the snow with her feet.]

Komaeda. I'm going to need you to help me out and lend me your hand.

...My hand? Hm, why? Isn't it you who came out this far, nothing this bad is an accident unless you're looking for trouble.

( the reason he came out is on his own volition, this is a typical occurrence that happens in regards to him. placing himself in danger, going places that he shouldn't, and part of him realizes if she's here that there probably wasn't anything to search for. if he decided to, he could turn around, and just walk off in an aimless direction that would lead him to the dormitory again.

it's a shame they aren't in the woods, the trees pressed together, and the frozen river would have made the scenery. )

Just like last time...

( he mumbles before canting his head to the side, looking down where helena stands as he settles his hands behind his back, holding them. what could he be pertaining to, that should be easy to guess considering what place were they at last time which put them in this position, there were more people, but helena fought for her own direction. )

Because of the snow. I need to discern our surroundings, but with how deep the snow is, it will be more effective if I put more force behind it - it will make a louder sound that goes farther. And thus, I will be able to see our path.

[she's not hesitating this time. she's only pausing, waiting for him.]

Put your hand on my cane, and add your force to it. Unless you'd rather wander a little more?

( unless he'd want to wander around a little more, ah, having someone's life in his hands from his decisions is ideal at most times, but there's nothing to be gained wandering around. he reaches out, placing his hands on the top of her cane to show that he's willing to take part in her idea, and she said force was needed? he can do that. )

Interesting, what made you want to go this far?

( his fingers wrap around the handle of the cane. )

Truth be told, I don't mind walking about... but what could have made you come this far...

( an escape? )

I couldn't think at all. And then the storm got stronger, and I just...kept walking, because I didn't know what else to do.

[it's the truth, but before she goes further, she needs to know what will lead them back to the dorms. they can wander after that - she'll keep the place fixed in her mind.]

Okay. One, two, three.

[and she brings it down with the force and intent she has. with his added power, it'll give her the sharp, clear sound she's looking for to throw their surroundings into the focus, to give her a direction despite the blizzard raging about them.

there. raising her arm, she points in the proper direction, before she reaches for his prosthetic hand to hold - she won't lose him to this storm.]

Why did you come out here, Komaeda?

( not playing along, but he gives what force he has in the cold to hit the cane against the ground, and the loud echo that covers the area sends a shiver down his spine. a path, one that she found, and komaeda doesn't say anything yet as he tries to make sense of where they're going. it'll be back home, but at least they're able. of course, his eyes light up, and his voice raises — )

Excellent! ( at the display, looking over to helena. ) Thoughtlessness can become recklessness... Why was this your own choice, there were millions of others, ah... do you not trust your friends? ( though that's not the case, from what she did within the blizzard, it's praise worthy as he shakes his head. ) Is what I would say, but for you to do something like this, perhaps you truly are thinking...!

( he laughs, but that's not a bad thing, it means that she's slowly learning, and it took her getting lost by herself to do so. if he wasn't here, then what would happen? would she wind up in trouble? not being able to find her way back? what a way to say you need someone on a couple's holiday. )

Hm... ( he thinks over her question, smiling softly as his hand is taken. ) I was taking a risk.

A risk? Of freezing? Of getting lost?

[it'll take more effort for them to get through the snow, but the strange perception that lingers around her when she strikes the earth hasn't left yet, and she knows if they keep on, despite the wind and cold, they'll eventually get there. there's a light at the end of the journey, literally and figuratively. sure, they'll probably be wiped out, and who knows how long they'll have been absent for, but they can make it.

they made it through worse, after all. she hasn't forgotten how it felt to carry Rokkun, step by step all the way home.]

Hm... Of just being me.

( he does as he pleases, moving to and fro', making his own path that requires him tending to others, making sure they can walk without ever stumbling over their own two feet. he didn't think of freezing, nor did he think of getting lost. he's already both of those, so the primary risk that could do a number on him is still there. he lifts other arm, wrapping it around himself as if he can generate warmth with it, but he remains cold, his teeth chatter, but he laughs as if he's enjoying the walk. )

That isn't a risk though, the other two you mentioned... that's reality. I accepted that the moment I walked out. You must have as well if you were out here all alone, Adams-san.

( he steps through the snow at her same pace, and he glances up at the sky. )

Do you think the void is free of snow?

I don't know. I don't go there often enough to think on the weather - it might even be worse there.

[and maybe it's not a surprise when she stops again, feeling tense, like the words that really exist in her might burst out without reason.]

...Can I ask you something? Something that might seem strange to ask.

Strange? You put thought into your words because of your lack of sight, did you know... so I doubt they'd be unusual.

( what he means is that helena thinks about what she says, frets over them, comes to an idea of what she wants to say that makes sense — they're stronger than her actions, and so he wonders what could be so strange to her. )

When you speak to me, you ask and do as I say, so you'll tell me what you have on your mind.

( because she's allowed him this role, and he'll use it as he sees fit. )

[she can't tell if he's ordering her, given her agreement to do as he requests, or if he's saying she'll reply regardless. but her hand tightens on her cane for a second, her other still holding onto the robot arm.]

Do you ever feel like you're so entirely full of something that you're going to unravel at the seams? That you have to do something, or it'll bleed out of you somehow, painful and slow?

[her head is filled to the brim, and she can't put more in it. she can't swallow down more pain, more unhappiness. she can't put in all the upset she has at all these people who killed for no reason. self defense is one thing. survival another. but just because they were told to - it doesn't add up, not for the people she knows.]

...I came to a realization today. Everyone in this school, if the time was right, they would kill me.

[not could, would. if they had a reason, even if it's as flimsy as being told to kill her.]

But...I don't want to die. Not again.

An abscess, both humans and animals get them... you're both full, but it feels so uncomfortably tight that you may die...

( he's seen a few, between that and nature documentaries, there's a lot to be learned by it, and the best medicine for something so infuriating happens to be popping them. )

Digging a knife into the area, and then you push, and push... and push, soon all of the pus, bacteria and debris that's been filling up inside of you will just fall out, but you feel good afterwards.

( the longer it stays, the worst that it becomes, and oh, how messy and visible it can be. people will start to notice it as soon as the sign shows, and sometimes the person who's inflicted with the condition will never know unless something brushes against the area. what has been pushing at her nerves all this time?

it's her thoughts, what she says now that gives komaeda pause. perhaps it was bad luck running to him out here because of who he is, the people he would kill all for the name of hope. it's why no one can deal with him, why they're afraid.

he looks down at helena. )

...You've lived in blissful ignorance all this time if it's finally came to you, ahaha, has someone caused you reason to be afraid?

( amami has killed, but she was fine. she knows komaeda has killed, she was fine. the mix with lucifer and others have killed, she's even confronted dito and understood that he... was no better. it's been awhile since then, and nothing has happened so...? what brought this up. )

If they did try and kill you, would you attempt to stop them?

At the least, I'd do all I could to avoid their attacks, and get to safety. I couldn't bring myself to harm them, but I don't want to be harmed.

[it's what she did with Dito, what she did in the hearts, what she's been doing so, so many times. run, because she only has that path. and it doesn't matter, because she's been afraid every single day. not as much, some days, but every day, there's a question there that is only answered when she goes to sleep. Helena's always afraid, but she keeps that tucked inside, and manages.]

Fear's been with me since I woke up, Komaeda. It doesn't change that I want to live.

[she feels like she wants that knife he talks about, wants it to slice right through her ribcage, and maybe she'd be better afterwards. emptied of everything that burns and rots in her. maybe then she might be stronger. maybe she might be able to sleep without a nightmare.]

By lying low, you're asking for them to rip out your throat. There's no use complaining, even without voicing your thoughts... you asked for it. ( the wind being their only background music, komaeda knows this sad song all too well — it's called weakness, it's the strongest tune that can overwhelm a person so that they hear nothing else, not even if the strings snapped. they'd take any noise to avoid the silence, and helena has never loved the silence. )

If you want to live... Adams-san, would you kill for it?

( when there's no such thing as avoiding, when the pressure is at that point where a person is suffocating, so either they rip out their own throat, or rip out the predator's so they can breathe again. the will to live is a funny thing, anyone would do something to live, even komaeda who can't die hopelessly will act a certain way so he can die with hope.

he trudges through the snow, thinking her words over. )

You have been afraid the moment you woke up here, but you've gained your allies, you've found the peers that you can trust.

( they should all work together, working along only leads them to becoming like this — her thinking that they would betray her, but komaeda has always been honest with his thoughts. he would kill anyone for hope, he doesn't have much self-preservation as ranger does, but he does have the will to keep going despite what circumstances he finds himself in. )

Instead of surviving by doubting others, isn't it better to get killed believing in others?

Neither option has worked out well for me before.

[the words come easier than she thought, sheltered by the storm.

again and again and again. over and over. run and live, run and die. die so others can live. live while others die. again and again. even here, it's still lives on the line, souls that fight and souls that give up, awake and asleep and blanketed under the snow.]

I just...

[there's more to say. more she needs to say. give her one more pair of heartbeats, to see if it can take shape.]

Watching people die, or them watching you, huh...

( if neither option worked, he can only come to so many conclusions.

the snow doesn't stop him from making his way through, and when he looks back to see his footsteps, the snow covers it all once again as if he's never moved in the first place. it feels like they're trapped in a hamster wheel, running in place with nowhere to go, but he has to rely on her for the moment. )

You just wanted to live.

( he's filling in the blank, but she can correct him. )

[she did. she wanted to live, to do more than survive - and it burns inside of her, wants to explode. she's squeezing his hand, and then something feels like it breaks. like wood snapping after a fire, like glass thrown to the ground. Helena can't take this, and she opens her mouth.

the winds blow, and she screams, loud and wordless and taking up her whole chest. it all comes out, an anguished thing that's closer to sobbing than anything else, shrieking until her throat hurts because she's needed this for so, so long. nothing is fair, nothing is easy, even death wasn't a way out, and this place said that it ended before it all began.

pain and fear and sorrow, anger and frustration and everything that burns like acid in her stomach, gives her the ghost of every injury in her body, endlessly running with no exit. helpless and shattered and every angle carries something sharp within it. all of it protested and fought against and amounting to this place that is only somewhat easier to bear and equally taxing - death in the walls, death outside. caged, caged - there is no change.

it's only when breathing makes her throat feel raw that she stops, leaning heavily on her cane for support. she feels like someone lanced her open, that all her blood should be poured out on the snow, hot and stagnant, that she's been left with a great wound she doesn't know how to heal. but it's out there. she no longer feels so full she'll die from it - there's so much empty space now. the tears that prick her eyes, she barely feels, but Helena could collapse from the strange relief of it if they didn't have their lives to be worried about.]

( it comes down to the who is this all for, there's no actual person to direct her attention, into the darkness that can be anything is where her screams go. komaeda hates loud people, he hates anything that makes too much noise, and so it's like a small chip being smacked off his shoulder. he perseveres as he stands in place, witnessing a sudden change, he doesn't need to look at her not when there's a small light out the corner of his eye.

komaeda's eyes have always shown him what's important, so he doesn't need to move to see. )

Adams-san... You must scream louder, give name to your pain and suffer, let them know you won't remain silent any longer!

( even if her throat is raw, even if she throws up blood and falls to the ground, it's a testament to her strength, to how much she'd give towards her hope. she'll hear her own voice, she'll know who she's doing this for, it's like a wish thrown into the darkness, and it'll leave a mark.

komaeda as her witness... )

...If you can't, give a name to those you want to protect, give a name to what you'll fight against. Let it be known, and don't keep it silent any longer.

( he lifts his one hand, placing it against her shoulder in order to steel herself if she needs it, and who knows, maybe it's needed. )

[these hands aren't forcing her into line. she feels like the storm takes her rage, makes it bigger, that the violent whipping wind and ice is what she is and the entire world has shaped to match it. Komaeda's hand is...

it's stability. it's as sure as the weight of her cane, dropping down and drawing the world into definition. it's as sure as the blaring siren that says you have a chance, reach the exit. for as much as he flinches away from touches to his living hand, it would have a pulse if she pressed her fingertips to the vein in the wrist. it would touch as surely as she did.

she doesn't want to be afraid anymore. she doesn't want to have to constantly be turning her head to listen, to sense for someone coming to kill her. she doesn't want anyone she cares about here to fear that. but she wasn't made to be a protector, just to survive. she wants a life, where she can write and not write and laugh and sleep and wake up the next day looking forward to it. she wants to be able to try and fail and fall on her face and succeed and take joy in it. all of that has to be done while alive.

Helena could have screamed more, until blood was in her throat, but she thinks of Nagito who has to listen to this. who is bearing up her agony, just because he's there. he could have kept walking on when she gave him the way. he didn't have to put another jacket on her shoulders, or hold her hand. yet he did all these things, even though she was no ultimate. no better than another stepping stone. and she knows, Nagito is kind, no matter how he'd run away from hearing the fact. he wants to be a beacon, to see others go on their way. Helena should thank him for it, really.

she won't scream anymore, to spare him. the storm will do all the screaming and howling she needs.

Eurydice. it is a place, it is hell, it is here in her head, it is not here, they are dead, they are out, they never left. and she wants to live. so strong, it is fire's heat in her chest. even dead, she wants to live.]

...Why do I have to take misery with me? Why can't I survive and believe at the same time?!

[her protection, her fighting against. his choices were too narrow, if she has to doubt or die and choose between those.]

How will you grow without misery?

( by hardships, by a shove, by realizing one's weakness, misery is just a stepping stone like everything else, once she takes that step — it's gone, she'll never need it again. as long as helena is willing to move forward with others that are taking the same heavy step, then those miseries, those pains, and everything else will become nothing to her. she has walked that path, and so will others, she'll become familiar, and she'll guide those that will listen. even now, she listens to komaeda who knows misery, he knows a life that's filled with pain from the moment he was born, and he's been brought down to the deepest hell of despair where he's known as a monster.

he in fact is a hunter himself, he devised a war, he watched them die, and he made no room to help many, but he assisted those that he could. his own little nerf of saving those kids before they died by allowing the future foundation to capture them, and he would continue on as if he's done nothing. that was his perk because he was in despair, and he still loved hope, and knowing that concept still remained through his misery — he still fought to move forward even if it meant taking the world down with him. )

It's a stepping stone. You're well aware of that, to make you carry that the entire way would be foolish, you'll grow tired, and you'll become weak just like Yashiro-san.

( underestimated the problem that comes with carrying everything but her own, and not dropping it to overcome the weight. that was her own mistake, but helena's learning, she's preventing the downfall before it carries her down too. she won't drop into that shadow of darkness, and instead allow the snow's fury to swallow her entirely, but there's still that chance to save herself unlike the dark depths of the unknown. )

Adams-san, can you finally take that step after everything you've said? Drop the misery in your heart now, that which brought you pain and move forward without hesitation.

( he takes his hand back from her, watching the female from his side as his footsteps crunch in the snow, )

Once you take that step, you can finally walk along with everyone else. You can survive, and you can believe. You can hope without second guessing.

( komaeda looks forward now, watching how the white curls in circles before his eyes, or it's just a trick of the light. it feels pleasant, and inviting, but he's cold, and so he wraps one arm around his waist as he takes another step. he continues to walk beside her even though the snow bites at his face, nips his fingers, and slows him down, but there's never been a speed when you walk with a person; it's just don't be left behind and lose sight of one's hope. )

[she's weighed down by more misery than she'll ever give voice to. every slash that hit bone, every explosion, every bruise so deep that someone called it blackened. but it feels like it's flowing out instead of rising up to choke her. the fact that there still is an exit. that even if the world was dark, she could still feel the warmth of the sun, and it feels like Nagito's hand on her arm.

no matter how beaten down they were, no matter how pathetic they became, a survivor had to fight and survive, because of that.

oh. she had become so consumed with the past that she had forgotten. sorrow like rocks in her pockets, dragging behind her. drop them one at a time, and leave a path of where you've been. Helena's hand is chilled, but she can still grip her cane, using it to help pull herself back to her feet. her expression is no longer agonized, but clear - as though she had some kind of quiet revelation and shed a veil that had cloaked her in every step. vulnerable, exposed, but still walking. still pushing onwards, regardless.

the snow falls on her hair, her shoulders, and she breathes deep, into a throat that aches from screaming, the sharp cold coming into her chest and soothing everything overheated and inflamed. Helena feels so light, it's a change. like the wind will carry her off if her cane didn't anchor her to the earth.

you can hope without second guessing. she wants to, and wanting is the very first step.

there are no words, but Nagito will know the feeling of a change, and know that it's taken place. as though he took a blade of snow, and made the right cut that freed her from what would poison her if it stayed in. Helena has always been willing to listen - really listen to his words, instead of trying to dismiss them or make him change how he speaks. it gives her an advantage, because it means that what he's said, he knows she hears for the truth it is.

she'll take her strides and catch up, so they're walking side by side again.]

Edited 2022-01-27 00:42 (UTC)

sights that can't be seen

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sights that can't be seen

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