この気持ち…伝わってるといいんすけどね (12/31)

[commences]

Who: Hajime Hinata & friends
What: Happy birthday, Hinata-kun!
When: December 31, 9PM~
Where: School roof
Warnings: N/A, TBE

( there's various hidden signs that point towards the elevator, and if anyone catches sight, they'll see an arrow that points up, indicating for them to take it skyward. if they get off too early, there's a sign on the floor that reads, "next stop!", so if they dare, they can go back into the elevator and do as the words command. upon making your way to the rooftop on new year's eve, the setup is immediately apparent.

a number of glittering, sparkling decorations line the area — streamers, balloons, music, and a brightly colored sign the reads: happy birthday hinachan. at the heart of the setup is a bonfire that reaches almost shoulder-height — properly set up to make sure it doesn't spread anywhere further than its containment area, it sets a festive tone.

"borrowed" desks are also covered in an array of treats and appetizers courtesy of nene and amami, as well as enough love setsugetsukka to "make 3 people black out," which is probably enough to share if nobody gets too ambitious. the cake at the center of it all is the real star of the show however, almost as big as a person all on it's own.

to top it all off, even under the dim glow of the stars, nobody is short of a little light when natsume and noah's dazzling light show begins. once the main event has closed, a variety of firecrackers are brought out to celebrate with as things begin to wind down. varieties include the classic sparklers, these little spinny bitches, funky little sparkshowers, some little baby rockets, with the larger varieties spanning a couple feet at most. on the opposite side, there's a little table where a birdhouse is kept, and inside stuffed with all sorts of cotton and wood shavings are two birds huddled together inside, and a few treats that people can feed them if interest. if keigo looks at your character from afar, it's fine, that birdhouse they're living in was made by them, after all.

and at the centre of it all will be one boy with a bag over his head, kidnapped by rokuro arata, who sits him down and lets komaeda undo his blindfold — happy birthday, hinata-kun! )

Comments

[commences]

Maybe you shouldn't refer to me at all.

( he likes to be nonexistent anyway, or he's just frustrated at the fact that rio does call everyone by their first, but to komaeda, it's difficult. why does he have to change and accept something he doesn't like, he's dealt with it this long, but even making a comment is no good. when it comes to natsume, it's said as a jab, one that komaeda reacts to with a small hint of dislike, but he knows how their relationship goes: they're not friends, nor are they enemies, they're a lost for words with no definition to their relationship. where rokkun says his first name, komaeda has gotten on him time and time again, he calls everyone by their first, everyone, even shin's, but that's because he's that sort of person, but he won't budge which makes him calling komaeda's name irritating too.

...and they say third time is the charm, and he looks at rio with a tired expression, and a sigh.

they should have played by dares, though that's what this is.

... )

I'm playing fair, so there should be a penalty without answering properly.

( he's smart about this, all games like truth or dare have a punishment if someone's unable to complete it. rio's answer wasn't valid though they've cheated the entire time, and so he knows he can't indulge in the beverage they've been tossing their balls into, he thinks of something else. he's an ai, so he can probably do physical things, or say something that doesn't force him to be out of character or so to speak.

he finds that, this may be acceptable, besides, he gave sara one for not playing correctly, and it'd be wrong if komaeda didn't do it here. )

So I won't answer the following question, either.

( i'm sorry peace since i know you're reading, you'll never know who komaeda would be. )

How's that?

( it's too basic, even komaeda doesn't like it, but he was asked the same question so it should be fine. )

[rearranger]

...

That's fair.

[ The implication that he wasn't answering properly pulls a little twitch out of him, but in the end he just shrugs. He'd explained it once, and it wasn't understood, and so a hundred times more won't close that gap. It stings, and there's a dull ache in his chest, because he wants somebody to understand those feelings too, but... Who was there that could even begin to comprehend that cocktail of complex and conflicting emotions, of admiration and disdain, and of being better than everyone while also being worse than them? How can he give an answer that he doesn't have?

Maybe that'll be his lie next time, he thinks... But Rio knows that it won't be, because he won't play pretend on that. That petulant line of thought doesn't even bring him any comfort, it does nothing to alleviate that sickly feeling, and that agitates him further.

He can't accept calling Komaeda by anything else, either. There's some part of him that finds the entire thing unfair, to constantly be shoved away and expected to adapt to every whim while having every last boundary pushed and regularly swallowing every last insecurity for the sole sake of seeing what happens. It's not that he can't understand those feelings, but they're at odds with with own. The idea of making that exception for a single person makes him squirm. It goes on and on until this thoughts are all tangled and knotted together.

He flips through his cards a few times before they're replaced by one that covers his entire face. A dotted eye and a less-than sign for a wink, a v-shaped smile, something simple and cute that he'd grabbed at random to hide whatever expression he's showing behind it. But maybe that's not surprising - he really doesn't keep any negative cards, does he? There's just a few of them, barely ever used, so easily forgotten about.

...

He doesn't get it. He still doesn't get it at all. ]

[commences]

What's next?

( he's happier again, he's pushed past it through a little bothered moments ago, maybe he can't stand the idea of being close to people. yet, he wants others to come together, but when it comes to him? and him alone? he'd rather not, maybe it is cruel to ask when he knows, but he doesn't think of it as special. it's just a last name, why do people who... why does it keep coming back to that? he could have accepted his answer, the one that he wouldn't have any because how would he know? when he hardly knows himself. maybe any name would have been fine, komaeda wouldn't have cared...

there's experiencing himself before experiencing another, but that gap between how he feels about them, and him stands in the way.

hm, as for the cards, komaeda's empty expression remains as he defaults back to what he knows, but despite the small altercation, he notes the ones chosen; still learning those microexpressions as they come. )

It was your turn, wasn't it?

( actually, it's his turn, but he doesn't seem to be that attached to the idea anymore that rio can have his chance at throwing again. how funny it is to stand here, he wonders what part of this he should leave in 1999... how old is he right now, about seven...? maybe he's having an issue, or maybe something happened so he resonates with those feelings? he can't blame that though, he doesn't really like to point fingers, and rather than doing so, he'll sit down on his fingers. he'll put that wall up while acting as if he's accepted the little moment between them.

during rio's swing, he could room his previous actions to find what didn't go well, even though there's no way to change it.

what question could rio give now...? )

[rearranger]

[ The card stays fixed in place, though it's always impossible to tell if that's a good or a bad thing. How long he keeps them varies, as with everything else it depends on the day and his mood and where his thoughts are. But because he's an AI, he can ensure that the little twitches and bits of fidgeting that define his normal behavior are there. He does so now, trying to sift through his muddied thoughts.

He thinks that he doesn't really want to be here. But leaving on such a sour note doesn't seem right either. He also doesn't feel like just pushing past it, but even he's smart enough to figure out that this is neither the time nor the place to act on his emotions, so up the card stays. No one can see him behind it, and in return he doesn't have to see anything or anyone.

Rio really is honest with his emotions, however much he fails to realize it for himself. But that doesn't mean much when he can't put any of that into words to share them with anyone else. ]

... Hm? No, it wasn't.

[ One could almost think he was being petty if not for the simple, frank way that he says it, which suggests that the implication just went right over his head. ]

roll: 5

[commences]

What's your favorite color?

( it's his turn? he knows, and he opens his hand, allowing the ball to roll out, and then fumble onto the floor with light taps. that is probably petty of him, or maybe it's that budding passive aggressiveness he gained from such a long time ago, or maybe he's just not too bothered to care about the wins or losses.

he'll pick it up, finally getting to his feet as he walks over to the cup, and he'll drop the ball in with a splash; some of the liquid covering his hand.

the worst part is that he doesn't need an answer, instead he looks off to the side where the fireworks are being lit by subaru and npckun. with his arms crossed before him, he sighs softly as he leans against the table.

it's fine, rio doesn't have to talk to him when he's like this. )

[rearranger]

[ Rio switches to the ice cream cone in time to see the ball drop out of his hand. Whatever he had been hiding, it's gone now, and there's only the slight frown that can't be seen behind the card. He's still thinking though, trying to determine the exact situation and apply his feelings to it, while also trying to apply it in such a way that he can come to a logical conclusion. To have all of his emotions made it easier in ways, and yet, it made it harder. Emotions were like a poison, destroying logic and rational thought by presenting itself as a valid choice.

Komaeda is emotional, and he watches drops without any particular worry about the motion. He's upset, and he's making it known, and Rio think she's not all that unlike the birds that he keeps, or perhaps the white cat that comes around the school. Sensitive and moody and needy. But unlike a bird or a cat, he's a human who can express himself in such a way. The tightness in his chest hasn't dissipated, and his hand comes up to touch it briefly, fingers curling, but he works his way through it as readily as anything else. ]

... Red. I like blue, too. I like vibrant colors.

[ Red and blue and purple and green. Rio steps over, looking directly at him without caring if it's returned. He seems to have finished collecting his thoughts. It always takes him longer than most.

It's late, but he responds to what he considers to be one of the two original issues, ]

You're "Nagito" to me, just like Sara is Sara, and Satou is Satou. I've heard you out, and I think I more or less get it, so I think if you don't like it, you should do something about it.

[ What does that mean? He doesn't say, leaving it for Komaeda to say instead. He listens, and he understands, but there's no effort behind it. There's no logic. There's just that discomfort and disquieting feeling without anything to back it up. ]

But if you just wanna be treated like somebody who's so frail that they can't handle their name being said, then I can't help you with that one. But in return, you can call me whatever you want, 'kay? 'Cause I have no attachment to my name.

[ It's not even the name he was meant to have, after all. But having said that, he shifts beside him. He doesn't expect a positive reaction, but that's fine. Komaeda doesn't want to be treated as frail, and he doesn't want to be different from others, and Ranger has paid mind to that in the same way he does to Helena. He's sickly, and she's disabled, but neither one needed to be pampered nor have their hand held.

It's harsh and cruel because he doesn't know how to be anything but, and yet this too is consistent. Those feelings were valid, and he's tucked them away and held them close, but he can't abide by them when it means so blatantly treating someone different for their deficiencies.

But if he wants to do something about it, something to ensure that name is never used again, or otherwise if he can provide a logical basis, then Rio doesn't mind that. ]

[commences]

You're only here to watch after those two, aren't you?

( that's what he said at the start, he didn't even want to play a game with komaeda, and it seems to have ended with the comment about what should be done to fix the little issue. he'll redirect everything away from him because he's hated that anyway, topics that linger too long on his likes and dislikes. )

Return to doing that.

( he doesn't sound upset, but he certainly is ignoring it all just so he can move on. there's nothing to do be done, if he has to be honest, he didn't need an answer to the question. it does nothing knowing rio likes red and blues, those vibrant colors where people can like pastels. )

Because you can't if you're too busy looking in the direction that has my eye.

( he can understand it, it's not like he's accustomed to being polite when it comes to people's names, or what makes them close, along with other things. being online for three years, and they couldn't integrate that into his code.

komaeda blinks, humming slightly confused, it's nothing serious, but there's a smile that appears on his face. practiced, delighted, and content with what's going on, that's the only emotion he knows to retreat to when something doesn't go right, he's been through worse, and he understands the intentions of what he can do in order to have it go his way. placing such power in komaeda's hands, but he doesn't need it.

the conversation already ended, the game ended, so he's fine where it's leaving off. )

Goodnight.

[rearranger]

[ Who can really say what he's feeling behind the expression card? No one, not Nagito Komaeda nor Tia Safalin unless he so wills it, as even those faint shifts in expression are all to easy to repress with just the slightest effort. It's a consequence of being designed to be such a stoic creature, whether that was originally intended or otherwise, and nurtured for so long in a place where even the slightest hint of weakness was as good as a death sentence. One can pick up on the little tics, the little microexpressions and tones that match to cards, but in the end that was at his whims and desires.

But there's a flicker of something that he doesn't mean to show. It's the way his eyes widen just briefly, the way he leans just a little bit forward, the flicker of emotion in that impassive gaze that's there and gone in seconds. It's the way that no response comes except for a slight sound, barely audible, because everything else is choked out, and in all those little things that none would care to notice. It's accompanied by a cloyingly sweet nostalgia.

He should return to what he came here for. But it's too much for an AI that has only existed for just three years, for a human who has only existed for just a short ten days, what can he do aside from stare? If Safalin were here, if Gashu or Miely or even Hiyori were here, he would be reminded of what was important, he would be shoved along, and these situations would be handled gracefully. But they're not here, there's just ASUNARO's failed creation, there's just Rio Ranger, there's just a doll, and the most he can do is afford Komaeda the courtesy to walk away first so he doesn't have to see him exit.

Bitter, rotten, disgusting, but he accepts this conclusion with the same confused uncertainty as all others. He only need do the courtesy of waiting, burning every last second into his memory, before retreating when there's no one to notice and no pain to be had and no weakness to be seen. ]