[he shakes his head to the first question (no, he hasn't been going, he can't go back to a classroom now full of students and see one taking up amami's spot, mourning and hating him in the same breath for what he knows on a hunch what happened) and then again to her statement (she wasn't wrong to accuse, to try, he loves her for it again and again and again, if she thought something of the newest then he'd testify in a second for her) and he coughs a little, hand coming up to rest against her head.
some things are better said outloud, after all.]
I'll be here every day you want me to be, Sasara. Visit me whenever you want, I'm not leaving. I've got... [breathe] I've got stuff to do still, so I won't be leaving.
[he's directionless, mostly.
he has no star to guide him. no moon to light his path. he doesn't have a bell to follow, or a back to reach out for. but he has someone in his arms right now that needs him as much as he needs her and that's enough, because subaru has always trusted sara and she has never made him think that he should otherwise, a spunky girl who roleplays kdramas with him and in the same instance would call him out, would stand with and against him just to clear the air.
he loves her, he does. it hurts his heart.]
Okay? Do you believe me? I promise, I swear it, I won't leave you if you-- if you don't leave me too.
Okay... Okay... Sorry its just I know this was so important to you and it all went so wrong...but you're worth more then that. So don't go with them...
[ She sniffles, but its easier to remember that he promised when he's right here to hold her. She can hear his heart beating, a reminder he's alive, as alive as it counts in this place and he's here with her.
Amami can have death and murder and contracts and horrible choices with no good answers. Sara just wants her friend to stay here with her. If Subaru left...if he died or destroyed himself for something bigger, she'd have to deal with it, the way she deals with everything. It wouldn't destroy her, but it would be so empty without him. He's the kind of guy who make the whole world brighter when he's around. There are very few people left who Sara knows love her, who she loves, and who she can choose to trust. ]
If you swear it. I swear it too...but I never go anywhere. I always live when everyone around me just...
[how does he tell her that part of him already has, in a way?
...
he doesn't. he won't, not right now, and maybe it's the same mistake as telling amami bad news in lanling over compounding his sorrows right after the other... but subaru cares too much for his friends, even now, to think of hurting them more than they've been hurt -- if they've shown they prefer it one way over the other he'll go with that, but he doesn't want to hurt them more than happens.]
No one's born luckier or unluckier than others, y'know? It's not like, trials or anything like that, 'cause anyone who tells you so is full of shit, [something he'd told rokuro, too, in the same frank way,] but... They make their own decisions, just like you make yours.
[not that keigo had a say in this particular decision; subaru wonders if he should have killed them when they asked, but thinks of past (the last) month they'd been able to spend together and swallows hard, squeezing his eyes shut.
had it been selfish? maybe. but had it been worth it? it felt like it. the phantom of their arms around his neck lay heavy as sara's own, but at least he knows they're safe in god's hands. god wasn't scary, after all; god had been kind, god had told him he wasn't alone, and he thinks of warm hands cupping his cheeks.]
[ There's not much she can say to that, other then nod into his shoulder and hug him tighter. They made their decisions, and if Sara is tired of losing people and staying behind...that's just her reality. It's not anybodys fault. Subaru said he wouldn't leave and that's what's important.
She tilts her head quizzically into his at the question... ]
Of course I like them. I grew up in a big city, so I only really saw them when I went camping. Up in Hokkaido, the stars look so alive.
'Kay, so... Whenever stars die, they go one of three ways after their big ol' explosion: they become a black hole, they disappear completely, or... they become another sort of astral object, a dense white ball of neutrons. All things in the universe are made up of star stuff, so when we die, we go right back to where we belong -- not into the dirt, but into the sky with everyone and everything else.
[of course she likes the stars, though. he likes them still, still knows too much about them -- it had contrasted so much with his identity, as a flippant and seemingly stupid, careless kind of guy who'd never look up like that, but the fact of the matter is is that he did like them, does like them, will always like them.
...
they hold a special meaning they didn't before, after all, touched by countless nights.]
Haha~, it's probably weird hearin' me talk like this, huh? But... I wanted to talk to you about 'em because everyone who's died around you is still there, even if you can't see them. [it sucks they aren't there there, and he doesn't know why he holds the thought with such importance outside of what he told keigo the same way, but--] Out there, among the glittering stars, is one where a little prince is laughing. So when you look up at the stars, every star will be laughing -- because the stars remind you of them, even if you don't know what star they're on.
[...
that sorta thing... he feels embarrassed talking about it now though, don't call out his warming face.]
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komaeda took it all
some things are better said outloud, after all.]
I'll be here every day you want me to be, Sasara. Visit me whenever you want, I'm not leaving. I've got... [breathe] I've got stuff to do still, so I won't be leaving.
[he's directionless, mostly.
he has no star to guide him. no moon to light his path. he doesn't have a bell to follow, or a back to reach out for. but he has someone in his arms right now that needs him as much as he needs her and that's enough, because subaru has always trusted sara and she has never made him think that he should otherwise, a spunky girl who roleplays kdramas with him and in the same instance would call him out, would stand with and against him just to clear the air.
he loves her, he does. it hurts his heart.]
Okay? Do you believe me? I promise, I swear it, I won't leave you if you-- if you don't leave me too.
[he's lost so many now.]
no subject
[ She sniffles, but its easier to remember that he promised when he's right here to hold her. She can hear his heart beating, a reminder he's alive, as alive as it counts in this place and he's here with her.
Amami can have death and murder and contracts and horrible choices with no good answers. Sara just wants her friend to stay here with her. If Subaru left...if he died or destroyed himself for something bigger, she'd have to deal with it, the way she deals with everything. It wouldn't destroy her, but it would be so empty without him. He's the kind of guy who make the whole world brighter when he's around. There are very few people left who Sara knows love her, who she loves, and who she can choose to trust. ]
If you swear it. I swear it too...but I never go anywhere. I always live when everyone around me just...
no subject
...
he doesn't. he won't, not right now, and maybe it's the same mistake as telling amami bad news in lanling over compounding his sorrows right after the other... but subaru cares too much for his friends, even now, to think of hurting them more than they've been hurt -- if they've shown they prefer it one way over the other he'll go with that, but he doesn't want to hurt them more than happens.]
No one's born luckier or unluckier than others, y'know? It's not like, trials or anything like that, 'cause anyone who tells you so is full of shit, [something he'd told rokuro, too, in the same frank way,] but... They make their own decisions, just like you make yours.
[not that keigo had a say in this particular decision; subaru wonders if he should have killed them when they asked, but thinks of past (the last) month they'd been able to spend together and swallows hard, squeezing his eyes shut.
had it been selfish? maybe. but had it been worth it? it felt like it. the phantom of their arms around his neck lay heavy as sara's own, but at least he knows they're safe in god's hands. god wasn't scary, after all; god had been kind, god had told him he wasn't alone, and he thinks of warm hands cupping his cheeks.]
Do you like stars?
no subject
She tilts her head quizzically into his at the question... ]
Of course I like them. I grew up in a big city, so I only really saw them when I went camping. Up in Hokkaido, the stars look so alive.
no subject
[of course she likes the stars, though. he likes them still, still knows too much about them -- it had contrasted so much with his identity, as a flippant and seemingly stupid, careless kind of guy who'd never look up like that, but the fact of the matter is is that he did like them, does like them, will always like them.
...
they hold a special meaning they didn't before, after all, touched by countless nights.]
Haha~, it's probably weird hearin' me talk like this, huh? But... I wanted to talk to you about 'em because everyone who's died around you is still there, even if you can't see them. [it sucks they aren't there there, and he doesn't know why he holds the thought with such importance outside of what he told keigo the same way, but--] Out there, among the glittering stars, is one where a little prince is laughing. So when you look up at the stars, every star will be laughing -- because the stars remind you of them, even if you don't know what star they're on.
[...
that sorta thing... he feels embarrassed talking about it now though, don't call out his warming face.]