Sara Chidouin (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
samuraiwomen) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
yogen2022-03-04 09:37 pm
samuraiwomen) wrote in yogen2022-03-04 09:37 pm
Entry tags:
like a bitter stranger
Who: Everyone
What: Our monthly family meeting.
When: March 5th, 2000.
Where: Yogen dorms common room.
Warnings: Discussions of murder, suicide, child death...more?
[ A message goes up on the forums late Friday evening.
S.chidouin: Group meeting in the dorms Saturday. 12:00. No punching. No stabbing. I'll bring stickers.
If your character would not find a post from Sara worth listening too, Bonnie is wandering around, vaguely noting how important this meeting is, and how very much you should attend. No further details are forthcoming.
The meeting itself is a quiet affair. The fireplace is not lit, there are no snacks. Sara waits in the corner for everyone to arrive and get settled and then she clears her throat to speak. ]
As most of you know... [ It's hard to start, but her voice gets firmer as she goes on. ] We spent the last two months investigating Maya Arisu's murder. That case is solved. A few weeks ago, Bonnie-chan and I found the culprit.
Rantaro Amami killed Maya Arisu, Hiro Arisu, the vice principal and is presumably responsible for the scene with Keigo Arata. He is also dead. I just figured...everyone should know. To many people got hurt the last few months. I'm sorry.
[ She fiddles with her hair. That's all...she really has to say. There's not much more then that as the gist of it. ]
What: Our monthly family meeting.
When: March 5th, 2000.
Where: Yogen dorms common room.
Warnings: Discussions of murder, suicide, child death...more?
[ A message goes up on the forums late Friday evening.
S.chidouin: Group meeting in the dorms Saturday. 12:00. No punching. No stabbing. I'll bring stickers.
If your character would not find a post from Sara worth listening too, Bonnie is wandering around, vaguely noting how important this meeting is, and how very much you should attend. No further details are forthcoming.
The meeting itself is a quiet affair. The fireplace is not lit, there are no snacks. Sara waits in the corner for everyone to arrive and get settled and then she clears her throat to speak. ]
As most of you know... [ It's hard to start, but her voice gets firmer as she goes on. ] We spent the last two months investigating Maya Arisu's murder. That case is solved. A few weeks ago, Bonnie-chan and I found the culprit.
Rantaro Amami killed Maya Arisu, Hiro Arisu, the vice principal and is presumably responsible for the scene with Keigo Arata. He is also dead. I just figured...everyone should know. To many people got hurt the last few months. I'm sorry.
[ She fiddles with her hair. That's all...she really has to say. There's not much more then that as the gist of it. ]
no subject
[ Rio lets out a soft sigh. It's not a criticism, but a statement of fact. There are plenty of nosy people in the world, and plenty who are well meaning enough to constantly interject themselves into the lives of other who don't want them there, but more often than not it's simply a matter of that humans check in with and try to help one another. There's nothing special or meaningful about it except in those moments when a person's life is fractured. Sara is that kind of person. It makes it easy for others to push their burdens onto her instead of solving their own problems.
That's why their candles burn half as long, a fraction of the length it might otherwise have, because others won't stop sticking their wicks into it and scooping out the wax. Or perhaps it would be better to compare them to the rainbow fish, all of their beautiful scales torn off until there's nothing left but the blood and flesh and bone that they had held inside. But Ranger has no need burn up the wax of others nor to steal their scales when he has both.
He shakes his head to dismiss those thoughts, and having held his hand up in a goodbye and seen the kid off, he can turn his attention back to Komaeda more fully now. He finds that the person before him fits that description just as well, a fish with scales of all colors that keeps peeling them off and giving them away without seeing the wounds opening up with each one taken. ]
... Do you wanna keep talking?
[ It's an honest question. He won't push the issue if not. ]
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( she died because of that school, she never got the life that they had. she had a happier end, not falling into despair, and the way she held onto hope all the way to the end. as the spears impaled her body, the drip of blood that splattered the floor is a smell komaeda can imagine..
she managed to die as an extravagant person, and then there's others... )
But a lot of people won't check up on you specifically.
( even if they know you exist, it's the same as rokkun, people knew all about him, and how he shoved people away with a shrug of his shoulders. only certain people check in on him, subaru included. what rio is getting at is easy to understand, how most well-adjusted people will know to check up on others, remain in their lives to ensure that they're happy and safe. she's dedicated to that cause of doing so, much-like ranger, but it's not a passive like his where it just happens to be so.
it's an agenda in nanami's mind. )
I can feel at ease that she did something...
( ultimates can't stand there like an angel to be awed and respected, it's because they have talents that he does anything for them at all. without them, he probably wouldn't even do this far, it's thanks to them he even has the relatio ship that he has with rio—
if he didn't love them as much, he wonders what type of life he lead.
...
that one world doesn't count. )
...You felt pushed away in the meeting? I might not have anything good to say, but would you want to reflect and review?
( he did say review session, something along those lines... even if komaeda feels off, he wants rio to have the chance to talk too. )
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There's no need to admire such mundane behaviors, no more than there is to admire scribbles on a dry erase board. It's something anyone can do, but it means nothing, and it'll be wiped off at the end of the day. There's no permanence. But he nods in acknowledgment, offers a quiet "good" upon hearing that he finds himself a little more at ease now, and finds that it was a favorable outcome for someone else to check up on him.
He adjusts his point of focus, letting out a soft sigh before slipping into the chair across from Komaeda. It's a review session for him too. ]
... Sure.
[ He folds his arms on the table. What did he do right? What went wrong, and what should he do better next time? ]
Sara reported the results. The conclusion is that Amami is responsible for five deaths in total, including his own. They have a sound argument, so I have no objections. She said that he was a bad person, and I let it get to me, so of course I had to go and pick a fight over it... Hiyori dragged me away from that one.
[ Those words are bitter. Was that his first mistake, or was it the one thing that he had done right? It's hard to say. ]
Noah and Shin too. The latter, well - he ran off with his tail between his legs like always, but I'm sure that hole's dug a little deeper. There was Alice and Hiyori too... Ah, I didn't get a chance with Subaru before I got dragged off. Shame about that.
[ That about pauses it for a brief overview - Rio had done what he could to piss off as many people as possible. He pauses there for a moment. ]
Should we take it from the top?
no subject
( his fingers curl, nails digging into the palm of his one hand, and nothing he can note in the other as he remains in place as the other's gaze is fixed on him. the matters that have happened do weigh on komaeda, but he's able to push himself into gear— slot the puzzle in correctly even though he doesn't fit. he knows that helena said she'd cherish a puzzle piece like that, but if komaeda cheats a bit, and swallows it down... it's like tetris, and he can move the shape before it hits the ground, and if it's somewhere else... it takes a few pushes, with his own hands as if he was trying to avoid being crushed by the doom hanging over his own head. )
Chidouin-san would say that, and that's because she sees herself as a bad person because of her own choices, but they made an importance choice that changes everything. Until they can see an outcome immediately, they'll blame themselves or another.
( shin... hiyori... quite the guy to borrow a name from, but komaeda closes his eyes in thought as he focuses on this first. what does that mean for him to have been dragged away? does he regret not standing his ground to remain there, or... ah, there's no need to sugarcoat it, because he can hear the bitterness in his voice, and it stings. no different from salt sliding into the wounds because it's no good for the other to get so worked up, especially when nothing can be changed, but komaeda too is an unmovable rock when his beliefs are challenged. )
Taking lives are a bad thing to some people, and to others... there's good found in it. It's whether they choose to see it that way...
( even death can teach lessons, giving certain individuals a chance to understand that they should have worked even harder. this "loss" as they see it is one, and now their eyes will remain parted so that their chances of messing up again are lowered. what could have been done if they had noticed the way keigo acted, do they think they could have came to certain ideas that would have curated a different option? it's true, there could have been, but no one did. )
Some people need a second eye that isn't their own... just like you tell me.
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[ It's not different than how arguments are made by carefully considering and picking apart other arguments, or checking multiple news sources before formulating an opinion. Ranger can see that vantage point too. He can see the grief, and the frustration, but he chooses to reject that way of thinking as flawed. This is at most a little pain for the greater good. ]
Sometimes it's necessary to take a life, but you're right. She regretted her choice, so now it's black and white.
[ Bad people kill, good people don't, but the world has never been that simple. Komaeda mentions her first, and Rio believes it to be the best place to start. It's at the top, and it's the conversation that had been the most frustrating. He looks down at the table, recounting the conversation before he looks back up. That entire meeting is one he wouldn't mind forgetting. ]
I told her that he had least did something, and she asked if I feel better blaming others when they're upset. So I dug in, since I didn't see any of them do anything to prevent what had happened, and Rantarou just did what he needed to... But like you said, those reasons don't matter to her, since she felt like 'cause they gave up on looking at him they were lied to.
[ He shifts his position, averting his gaze for just a few seconds once more. ]
I was getting too agitated, so Hiyori stepped in, since otherwise I was gonna start talking about her role int he Death Game... That seems only fair, right? Everything that she did? Telling her that she has no right to criticize... [ His fingers curl. ] She didn't get him at all, she doesn't get me at all, but she asked why I can't understand her... Ahaha... But she believed in him, and that means means trying to see the best and trusting him... See, it's fine if she didn't understand, because those beliefs were betrayed.
[ Why bother understanding others when one can just paint an image in their head. His body trembles a little, and inhales a deep breath and exhales slowly to stave off his irritation. Those words had stung more than they should have. ]
... I think that's about it. Hiyori decided it was done after that, and he kept things from getting any more personal than they needed to. He has more sense than I do.
[ Why had he gotten so wound up, and why had it turned personal? What things might he have said if he wasn't stopped, and how much more harm might he have done? Those are questions that won't be answered now, and Rio can only answer half of them. He's not even sure why he had gotten so agitated. But his partner is sharp, so he'll be able to fill in the gaps. ]
no subject
( ranger has no reason to blame anyone, what's done is done, and besides the outcome is just as nice— if there was anything done outside of any of them, then what would have happened? what hope would have prospered by the actions of sara, bonnie, and the others within this school? none of them would have turned to the idea of death, or perhaps they would have but been too afraid to speak of it?
if they blame, everything done so far begins to look tragic and filled with misery, so that could be the reason why she chose that word. to make this event unhopeful, to smear sadness all over it because she's saddened by the loss of two individuals. three? four? however many it took to see this to where it is now.
blaming is an ugly word now that komaeda thinks about it, and his arms cross on the table. )
Had any of them done something else, then we would have been offered a different outcome. In the end, it's a lighter version of what I would have done.
( between ranger and sara, he can see where they bumped heads, and it comes down to their morality, and how one can do more than the others. sara made herself appear weak, and like blood in the water, ranger took a chance to bite when no one else would. it does seem irritating from his perspective, though, and komaeda can )
You've worked hard Rio Ranger, so don't take so much offense to this. It'll take time to understand what they've gained... you care a lot about her, and that's why you want to smash that logic into her until she understands, but... choosing to use her experiences... it wouldn't have done anything because Chidouin-san would have painted it differently.
( is that to say that ranger's efforts wouldn't have done anything? no, everything he's done so far will take affect, so will what sara does as well moving forward... her arm will play as a reminder, that pain will settle into the depths of her person for as long as she lives. it's like quicksand, it'll fall deeper, and deeper, and deeper into the pit that she creates in her happy little world, the appearance will heal... no one will notice the damage, but she'll always be aware.
there's a visible grimace as his own hands curl into a fist, and he pushes against the table to press his back against the chair he sits in. )
no subject
He's right though. She would have filtered it through her own lens, and he would have been seen as even crueler than the impression left. But there's no sense in joining in on the blame game, and there's no point in feeling guilty over what hadn't occurred. It had been a misunderstanding, nothing more and nothing less.
He nods before looking down to the table. It takes him some time to decide that he should speak the remaining words going through his mind, but in the end it seems wrong to withhold them for the sake of avoiding some minor misstep. Ranger has always been upfront and honest in his assessments, and now should be no different. ]
... You can't rush things. But you know, kids injure themselves all the time, and it's not that big of a deal.
[ Painful? Sure. Scary? Absolutely. The end of the world? No, a broken arm is far from that. It's no more the end than a car accident, or a hard fall. ]
But that kid has a lot of injuries that she's left bleeding out all this time 'cause she's too busy pressing on and looking at what everyone else has going on. Can't find somebody to depend on when they're all depending on you, right? Not the way I would've chosen, but it'll do her some good to get taken care of for awhile... Hm, I guess that means I'm gonna have to suck it up and check on her too.
[ It's not a platitude, nor is it meant to bring comfort, no more than it ever is. People would worry about her, and they would check in on her, and all off those normal experiences someone her age might have after an accident - normal, mundane behaviors barely worth noting. It's something that wasn't her fault at all, something she can stand by, and so in the end he finds that there's no need for him to worry
But he has the sense that it's best not to linger on it overlong. He lets out a sigh. This spin does nothing for his frustration, but it's not as though beating the dead horse will make it run. ]
... Well, I guess I shouldn't take any of it to heart. Let's see... Shin would be next in line.
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( an easy in, but an easier out that doesn't call for much overthinking when she's right there, and those who say actions speak louder than words. ranger isn't the type to waffle much, and what he does has a meaning behind it, so him even being at a certain place would ring a few bells— hopefully no alarms. the foundation of a relationship they've built for themselves is shaky, but neither of them want to die, so even if it crumbles due to all the years of cracks, and the vines that serve to withhold all the years of memories.
that foundation had become ranger's advantage due to his chance to bring it up, hiyori however, must have seen differently. )
Even if you two had a disagreement, something like that isn't strong enough to be wedged between you two.
( a bigger storm is soon to come depending, knowing the group, they'll make it more than it has to be— that's what it's like to be cast out to sea alone in it's murky darkness, rocking one's self into oblivion's maw without even knowing. ranger can become used to the darkness, but when the flash of lightening hits, that's where he's back to his original life to be something for it to strike. they'll take out their anger because he's the easiest target, whereas someone like komaeda appreciates pain, had become a masochist, and his body feels numb— his feelings are beginning to match if he so will it. )
Chidouin-san is sensitive, but to check up on her will ease her worries, and then she'll start to think. Best case scenario.
( as for shin, komaeda glances off to the side in thought. ) Continue.
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[ It's too late for him to do so now. Ranger made his choice, and he has no intention of apologizing for it. If not Shin, then one of the others will have assisted her by now. She'll be in Midori's care, and he'll ensure that she remains undisturbed until she's capable of the time is right. Even so, there's no reason for him not to, and so he makes a note to do so once both she and Komaeda re more stable.
Bit it is strong enough to drive a wedge. It already has, but that's fine. He doesn't care if he's hated by them. It's not as though any of them had really cared for him. It was always just a temporary truce until they found some disagreement, no different than the way they are with each other. Then again, maybe he'll be proven wrong. He hadn't expected her to extend a hand when he arrived either.
For now he continues, ]
... Well, you know how that one is. He had to cut in the conversation to call it surprising advice from someone who "did barely anything themselves." He was trying to get at that I wasn't paying enough attention myself, and that I didn't care, since I said they shouldn't have needed my help to start, and that they had plenty of opportunities... As for me, I have no problems with what he did.
[ There's a little sigh. ]
I shouldn't have given as much help as I did.
[ He had been worried about doing so. He had been hesitant, but it's always bothered him when problems remain unsolved and people are left floundering about. But if he had listened to that feeling, if he would have followed the logic to it's natural conclusion, then...
...
... ]
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( it may not be logical, but this is what komaeda would call a natural conclusion without force, and without too much of a push or handholding— this is by their own thoughts and actions. there's nothing to solve for him or for ranger if they find this to be necessary on amami and keigo's end, it's an outcome fitting due to all the variables of who each person involved was to another person, how the deaths were exacted, and so much more. all the angles that everyone would have to look at and think... how could this happen? why did this happen in the first place, yes, it's because an ultimate gave too much to someone so boring, so helpless who lacked talent themselves. that was the starting point, and the mistake made, but it's through time that views change and how much a person is willing to go through begins to show itself.
to look through that many lenses to find out where is a shame, because it shows that no one has acknowledged what others have done. their bonds are lacking, and there's hole within companionships, relationships and even in those so called truces. his eyes close as he gives thought to ranger's words, and as komaeda's mouth parts, it's quick enough to close because no one understands anything when they're too busy trying to find out who did it, and not pick at why someone would do it. too many "whos" and not enough "hows" or "whys", is what he thinks. )
You know how it goes: you gain as much as you give... I think you've given enough, so now it's their turn.
( truthfully, ranger has given so much help that maybe komaeda should have taken over at that point to do it all himself. ranger wouldn't let him, so there's no need to think back on the past of what could have happened or not. )
I understand you don't want to see them fail, but it takes a few failures to understand what they need to do right... such as the conversations that didn't go the way they thought them to.
no subject
Has he given enough? It doesn't seem like it. It doesn't even seem like it's enough, but then it never done, and so he needs another person to tell him. Still, he lets out a soft sigh. ]
That's the only way you learn, huh...? Those lessons come at a pretty high cost... I think that about covers it. I talked to others, but it didn't get so heated.
[ It comes at a high cost, and it's frustrating to know that no mater how much time passes they won't stop to think about what it is they're doing. They won't recognize the mistakes they've made in their thinking, but sit upon their self-righteous thrones.
He shakes his head, and despite thinking that, tentatively asks, ]
Do you think they'll get it eventually?
[ Will they understand what Amami did? If they can't understand that, then what about the next one? It'll be a clean slate, a new opportunity - will they do better then for havign gotten pushed over by him?
... ]
... Did I do the right thing?
no subject
( he could continue to wallow in his personal affairs, these that aren't meant to muddy ranger, but he changes his perspective by giving the other his attention. standing up, komaeda sets one hand on the table as he leans forward. organic hand raises up, settling it down on ranger's head, and fingers slip under ginger locks— white peeks over golden orange like waves drenched in the setting sun's light, the overview of a mountain from where komaeda stands, and ranger sits.
komaeda's hand shifts left to right, thumb brushing against the scalp, scratching, massaging, and at the end he ruffles right after.
right or wrong, good or bad... )
I've told you right? With hope there's no good or bad! ...Ah, no... you don't like when I express it like that... there's just no "or"! Hope is... absolute good because you're striving for the impossible to make possible, as long as you never give up... everything will come true!
( slow pats, a bit of laughter that's short enough because he has to catch his breath. )
The moment you give up... it's snatched from your hand, so it was difficult, but don't give up on yourself or them, no matter how frustrating, or disappointing, or obnoxious they can be! If you give up on anyone, it means everything you've done so far is for nothing... all the help you've given, and all that you done. It means something.
( fingers curl inside his palm, and his knuckles brush gently against the side of ranger's face, slowly, and then expand to push a few strands behind his ear. )
Never forget hope! That small thread you hold onto will grow stronger, thicker, and even brighter... so don't give up on it. I should have paid more attention, but... good will come after the bad.
( out of everything he asked, he thinks it over on whether they can, and in time he believes they will. sometimes they have to believe the impossible, but it may not be now, and it may be a few years later... but he has a feeling it'll all come to light one day for them. they'll use this experience, they'll cherish even more in the future. )
Together, you'll all get it. No worries.
no subject
There's nothing in this world that's inconceivable, it's merely that humans lack imagination and willpower. They give up on creativity and dreams when they put their toys away and enter into adulthood... But people fail to fit into any of the categories for advancement, and so when does one decide when to stop?
His eyelids lower as Komaeda strokes his hair and scratches at his scalp. His eyes flutter open as his head lifts slightly, bumping up against his palm as he leans into the touch and his eyes move up. It's such a soothing motion, nostalgic of one of the few moments in his time in the facility where he had felt so contented. He lets a gloved hand reach up, fingertips and palm brushing against the back of his hands before wrapping around it. It's a brief hold, just enough for a little squeeze, before his grip looses enough to let Komaeda pull away when he needs to. ]
You had your hands full... It's fine, I can handle those kids by myself.
[ It hurts now, but he did enough. He did the right thing, and just hearing those words are enough to reassure him. Even if it takes time, they'll get it... If he can think of it that way, then he can keep going as he is. ]
But... You're right. [ He breathes out a sigh, his posture finally relaxing. His grip tightens one more time before loosening, another little squeeze. ] ... What about you?
[ What does that mean? Well, it means that Ranger is concerned, but vague enough that he can choose how he responds. ]
no subject
( that sounds pretty lonely, doesn't it? he won't ever officially wipe his hands clean unless there's a need to do so, but here he is with so much work to do, and he needs to do it fast. if he could fix the gaps by pulling then together, and knitting the areas closed even if sloppy... that's more than enough as long as there's a connection?
it's more than enough because they'll work hard to build it even stronger. it's this thought that calms komaeda's nerves, and bring him back to a sitting position. the library isn't stuffy at all, and he feels comfortable here, even more so with rio around. his chest raises slowly, and it lowers all the same in a comfortable rotation as he breathes in the scent of the room. the smell of pages mixed with the plants inside makes it feel like home. )
You're right, you could handle it! I know you can...
( saying so makes him giddy, almost, too ecstatic at the thought because even if he's not here for the moment that rio will have everything covered. there's no doubt because he won't be doing anything alone for the long term... )
What about me? Let's see... what do I want to be... the cog, maybe?
no subject
But then, there's really no need to worry so long as they look out for each other, and that's why he can start to relax as his partner does. It doesn't alleviate his concerns, but continuing to pick at an open wound will do no good.
There's no need to talk about it if he'd rather not. ]
The cog...? Hm, well, in the end that's all anyone ever is.
[ Small pieces and mechanisms that keep the system going. There's some that are more critical than others, some easier to replace, but everyone is dispensable in the end. That's not a bad thing though. It means that no matter who's lost, or how many parts fail, a machine can continue running seamlessly just by repairing and replacing bad parts. ]
Does that make you the driving gear?
[ That's what he always pushes himself to be, really, the small cog powered by a motor that starts the rotation of the entire gear train. Komaeda is like that, he thinks, the person who begins the process. They're all interconnected, but without that singular piece all movement would cease. ]
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( back to his old self, his attitude fluffier after a few pats to cheer him up being able to talk about what he loves and respects. komaeda is no driving gear, he's not what makes the people start moving, and instead it's hope that they're holding onto that makes them act. for as long as he's been here, none of them get it, and he thinks no matter how long he's here... many of them will not understand. it's disappointing, but if he doesn't remind them, who will? they'll never realize that it's hope that makes them work hard, that it's hope that allows them a future, and that hope can turn dreams into reality. )
I'm the really, really small cog.
( the smallest one that doesn't matter if it's removed, because the big gears will connect and still move the machine. with a nod, he exhales with a smile before leaning back into his chair properly, not sliding into it to sulk, but presentable like an individual who is ready to be interviewed for a job. )
Don't forget that you're a main piece too, Riokun... you're irreplaceable.
( dolls can be copied, cloned, and all sorts of ways that rio will never end, but this is the one that's shared a good few months with komaeda and the others, and he doesn't think he could choose another rio over another. )
no subject
But that's not a bad thing, he thinks. The driving gear bears the burden of setting off the chain reaction, and so it might be better to be snugly fit between others, driven by momentum and energy transfer. Still, he doesn't think his initial assessment was wrong either. ]
Ah... You think so?
[ Rio looks down with a little frown. Dolls are replaceable, and he's just data and code. There's no human that can't be replaced, but there's even fewer AIs. He lifts his eyes up after a moment, tilting his head to one side. The implication isn't lost on him, but those small cogs have just as much significance. ]
I dunno that it matters how big it is. The small cogs are needed for the bigger ones to rotate since they can complete more rotations and produce more force.
[ Larger gears can increase speed, but a proportional amount of force is needed. Smaller gears complete more rotations and produce less speed, but offer more force. It's a delicate balance. It's not difficult to transfer that concept to a person, and so he offers his observation, ]
Your words have weight to them.
[ If they didn't, then it wouldn't draw such a strong reaction from others. But good or bad, it seems as though he always garners one, unlike those who fade into the background and seem to almost join in with the faceless mass of students. ]
no subject
this group of people, the entire student body or what's left... and so many pieces have left can also make up the cog in a wheel, or the machine. there's interior cogs, exterior cogs... the latter could be those who died who are capable reminders to keep people going, stepping stones... as komaeda would love to see them as. the former are what they are since they're on the side— spurs, worms and crowns of all types and sizes. without a certain cog, the entire machine loses its ability to do anything, and the driving gear, or maybe the torque that could symbolize hope is gone. once something falls out of place, it's all gone, and komaeda would rather die than say he's able to do something like that.
the soles of his shoes scratch against ebony flooring, the miscolored wood that won't even start afire no matter how many times his legs go through the motion of back and forth, back and forth. )
No one really listens to me like that...
( that's why he's unable to believe that they hold anything. it's nice when someone listens to him, like now, he's able to relax and give more than he normally would.
hell, if no one listened to him, then that problem would have never existed. he ignores it though, be abuse he's selective in what carries weight, and what doesn't. the machine he's part of is a miraculous piece of engineering because... )
Everything will turn correctly here even if I'm gone, so I'm not that much of a important piece like you are.
( not that he wants or needs to be, his desire to be god has long since faded, but maybe that's why he can no longer see a role for himself that's important. he dreams big, but they're not meant for him to have. )
no subject
Well, it'd be a problem if the loss of any one person caused the system to collapse. That means it was always on a shaky foundation. But you know, those small cogs are important, and they're hard to replace.
[ Machines are delicate like that. If just one piece is removed, the entire train collapses, no different than how a chain will break with the loss of a single link, or how a necklace ceases to be one with just the loss of a clasp. They're tiny things which seem so insignificant on their own, but which help to hold the entire system together all the same.
It's difficult for him to argue, as people need to speak for themselves, but the response people offer when confronted with him, or otherwise when he's mentioned, is enough to tell him that his presence is one in which moves the larger pieces around it. Small, delicate, quick, difficult to replace - such a description does suit him well.
He leans forward, folding his arms on the table, sliding one foot forward and stretching his leg forward until only the back of his heel rests on the floor. ]
I'd be different if you weren't here.
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( who is the rio ranger today that would make him different from the rio ranger of before? what has komaeda's influence done for him, if he has to think about it, he knows that the other has been through a lot with him. with as much change as they been through, komaeda focuses on rio's expression, reading to see what he can tell from it.
would his features be softer, or could it be more jaundiced, maybe those eyebrows would be more lowered and knit with frustration. )
We met at the top.
( he looks up above them, past the ceiling, and the dirty floors, and the cramped crawlspaces all the way past rumbles of rock and gorinto they'll make it to the fourth floor where rio ranger of that day walked down, and was introduced to purgatory. )
If we didn't... what would we be like now... aha, you were so mad at me too, and hated when I touched your face cards too.
( no more talk of cogwheels, now they can humor the idea of different paths, and alternate conclusions of their lives.)
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There's no one else suited to be my partner here.
[ Is he referring to the present time, or perhaps back then? It's a little bit of both. Rio is a difficult person to work with so consistently, as his values and priorities are an ill-match for most, and he won't work with anyone whom he sees as beneath him. It was pure luck that he ran into an anomaly that was just close enough to what he was used to that they could be called an even match.
His eyes drop back down to Komaea, a little frown on his face. It's not as though he wouldn't manage, he does well enough at drifting in and out of situations, but it would be lonelier. There's the faintest hint of that loneliness in his expression. He'd felt it when he came here too, and it was only through pushing and pulling that he was able to overcome the hurdle.
He folds his arms on the desk, tapping his elbow with his index finger. ]
I hated it, but you kept pushing anyway. You're that kind of person, so I got used to things, and I decided that living with you wasn't so bad...
[ Maybe with isn't quite the right word, but it was certainly partaking in his way of life. It was listening to him in a way he wouldn't with others, and fixing bits and pieces of it onto his own worldview to see what fit and what didn't. ]
So if I hadn't met you... Probably... I'd have just kept drifting until Midori came along... So I'd only be able to look at the world using one eye.
[ It'd be the same picture, the same sketch, but only half of it would be colored in. He wouldn't be able to see the other half, nor would he have the depth perception to gauge how far away it was. Functional, but inefficient, incomplete, and lonelier. ]
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( as if he had a vision that day rio would show him an experience new because he had became part of their lives. there was no going back unless he was weak to die like the rest, but he kept up pretty well while bouncing around in other orbits to see what he liked and what he didn't. he called in checking up on others, then scurrying away somewhere else, but those visits got longer and longer, and no conversation got shorter and shorter.
if he thinks about it really hard and compiles his observations on others that have been here then... he doesn't think rio would be lost, but he would find someone, everyone always does. as long as someone makes sense then they could persuade him, but that would be too easy...
logical, persuasive, able to damage control or move entire groups by a single action, gain trust while not giving away his own trust blindly, think not of oneself, but of their own conviction strongly.
if someone can meet those then he believes there's a connection that can brew between rio and that person. )
You wouldn't look at the world with one eye... your perception would be a little more colorful.
( where komaeds can't stomach just white and black, but he does because it reminds him of hope and despair. if he presses it together, the world becomes grey, and then it's maddening— his head hurts, and he'll close his eyes tightly to calm himself down.
when he opens his eyes and they scan the horizon, he doesn't see a beach anymore or the artificial sun staring down at him, he's offered all sorts of colors and people, and he hears their voices that either request him to stay or run hum off. )
...It's because I know you better than to just drift. You have to find reason, isn't this what this place is about?
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But if it was only Komaeda, he wouldn't be here either. There's too many other interactions, too many other thoughts, splashes of color that were throw on the blank blue canvas that he had always lived with. On that he won't disagree. ]
It's easy. You can seamlessly work with people without having enough compatibility for them to complete your eyesight. How many people have been able to do that for you?
[ Is he able to do so? If not, then there should be somebody. Rio had Safalin before coming here, and he has Komaeda now. But people come and go, they drift in and out of relationships, they enter and disappear and die. When everything's factored together, it becomes difficult to find a true partner, and there's a precious few that can do more than add a few strokes and a second look at any one work.
There are others who could, but none of them are here. ]
Well, I'm sure I would have found something for myself, seeing as a person can't just stay the same and all. But it wouldn't be what I have now.
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( it sounds like a complaint, but he's always thinking about the people around him. it's not about them showing him the world, it's about him letting others know that there's no impossible, and that they can have anything as long as hope is kept alive. he hasn't really thought about what people have allowed him to open his thoughts and show him another view on things, but he knows for rio he's accepted trying to see what makes the place he comes from actually having positive notes that only he can convey.
he's thinking about it as he leans back in his chair, and his eyes glance to the side as he shakes his head. komaeda has never been fond of admitting what people can do for him, and so he ignores it too to avoid hurting them. he has thoughts about the people who may have influenced some of his decisions, but he still feels the same as when he came here.
weaker in his emotions, but that's not a bad thing is it? ah, yes it is he'll hurt himself if he doesn't put them in check. )
My eyesight is pretty hard to understand! I have 20/20 vision, and I can see hope so well, but not many want to see that with me... I know something like this doesn't go one way, so I don't...
( he thinks of helena for a moment, the blind girl that's brewed hope and uses it to motivate herself, she's managed to find support through komaeda's words to paint her world, herself.
he laughs softly, nodding. )
...Maybe there's something to be seen! But this isn't about me really, as long as you think you've found a way to exist with the multiple sights here then you're pretty compatible.
( he hasn't seen rio fight with anyone over his eyes being better than theirs, but... you can't fight with the blind because it's obvious whose eyes are better... there were many blind individuals within the meeting. )
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[ AIs can adapt with a speed and efficency that no human can, smoothly learning and adjusting to new data. He would be another failed project if he didn't, and so even those views that he gives no credence are ones he needs to learn.But that's not Komaeda's point and he knows it.
But he won't budge in this case though. Even if he looks at it from their vantage point, it's only to rule out all other arguments until there's only his own left.
Rio folds his arms on the table and cants his head. ]
Hm... Well, if you can one person to understand you, then that's good enough. It means that others can too.
[ It's like proof of concept. If they can understand each other, they can learn from each other. Still, he won't push the matter any further. More importantly, his partner looks better now for how the conversation has gone. It must have been the right choice to follow him. ]
People are pretty slow, but they seem to get the message eventually.
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