open / catchall | as i watched from a distance...

[crystallomancy]

Who: natsume & thee
What: some open prompts + anything else for march
When: all march baybee
Where: just school
Warnings: open memshares may contain blood and murder. it's a metaphor but it's still not very pretty, but it won't be anything overly gruesome if you're not down with it! let me know.

memshares ✦ general march ✦ fanart

CODE

Comments

[starrypoint]

Mm~, I don't believe you. But okay.

[he'll let him have that much.

he glances aside, then rests their pinkies together. though he suspects the other'll jump away like fire; subaru won't be bothered, because he's patient, he's befriended all kinds.]

What sorta idol was I? Did I get as big as my dad? My old man now, the one I remember, he's alive. [a phantom, really.] Tends a bar downtown, but he always liked singing. Him and Mom met when he was busking in the park nearby.

[the akehoshi family always sings.]

[crystallomancy]

( natsume does curl his pinky away, as if he too is blood and can't, won't, stain subaru. )

You and the rest of Trickstar led your own revolution and became rather well-liked, YES.

( ... )

Your father was a super idol THOUGH. No one's been that since he PASSED, although Hokke-kun's father was more or less on the same stage as HIM. He's taken up being a teacher at a rival academy THOUGH.

[starrypoint]

... So the best of the best, huh? No wonder I was pretty satisfied -- I wouldn't be able to overtake him if I died.

[which he did. then, and now too -- the death is clear in his memories of this life, and he watches outside for spots of rain.

it isn't raining, but he wishes it was.]

You know, [he starts again, softer in volume, like it's something he hasn't told anyone (it isn't),] I never had a dream when I was alive. I went to a pretty normal school, I walked my dog in the morning and went to class when I felt like it, hung out with my friends on the roof or behind the gym... We were pretty content just to waste our days away, doing whatever we felt like, 'cause none of us knew what we wanted to do.

[not like the other subaru, who he finds himself so jealous of that his stomach churns. he turns his hand up onto two "legs" and steps them closer to natsume's.]

I dunno what I was gonna do after graduation. I hadn't filled out anything for a career, didn't have an idea for it, just... figure I'd drift, I guess.

[like the very same people he'd felt such resentment to in another life. common rabble, people who didn't have anything they wanted to do at all.]

I can't take his dream. [the other subaru's.] I don't want it. It's not who I am... anymore, I guess.

[...]

Do you hate me?

[crystallomancy]

( just someone normal who lacks any drive, who just lives day by day like a mindless jellyfish. what a sorry state of affairs, but

does he hate him? )

I'd never let you take his dream anyWAY. You don't deserve IT.

( but does he hate him? )

And... I do hate YOU. ( he doesn't, but it's much easier to say he does and not look at subaru at all when he says it, as if he hasn't lamented to those close to him for days after, as if he doesn't still call him "baru-kun" when he isn't around to hear it, as if he doesn't still keep an eye on star 1 or on subaru in the halls, as if he wouldn't still leap to his defense.

natsume puts his hands in his lap, staring at the congealed blood of his gentle kin. ) But I mostly hate what you DID, and that you said you'd do it for me if I were in that posiTION. Did you think I'd be happy to hear THAT, Akehoshi-kun?

[starrypoint]

[of course he does.

he doesn't blame natsume for hating him. subaru was the one who killed his best friend, after all. who stood at the summit of the world and carved out his heart, tore apart his memories, what made those bonds so important.

...]

No. And... I knew that. That you wouldn't be happy with that, that you'd hate me if I really went through with it on your behalf like I did Keigo, but I...

[...

the words fall off there, because they're silly and selfish and a fear unfounded. subaru puts his hands in his lap and glances at natsume, staring at him instead.]

Anyway, they're totally gonna hate me. They oughta learn to hate anyway, probably, makes love all the sweeter and stuff.

[and whatever.]

[crystallomancy]

...Hatred is only good when you use it to fuel someTHING. It's rotten otherWISE. Shu-niisan turned his anger and his hatred of what happened into kindling for his ART. Wataru-niisan, Kanata-niisan, and Rei-niisan didn't know how to HATE, or at least hold onto it or grudGES.

( and natsume

rotted. )

You're infuriatingly hard to stay mad AT. It's like I'm trying to be angry at a dog who didn't know any betTER, even though you did and you DO. ( but it's exhausting to be mad at subaru. to hate him. but he still is, every time he thinks about the summit.

maybe it's hurt disguised as all of that, though. "natsume-kun has a gentle heart," after all. ) But that's exactly why they'll still love you TOO. They'd hate you more if they knew you tried actually killing yourself to draw them BACK, a wish borne of desperate in a mirror-image of theirs for their family and their happiNESS.

[starrypoint]

[the scar burns on his chest and he presses a hand to it, chuckling sheepishly as he grips his shirt. yeah, it was dumb. yeah, he figured it wouldn't work. but it was worth a shot, and with natsume there... with someone he trusted so much... there was no way he wasn't gonna try, because trying is better than not doing something at all.

even if they would've hated themselves more for it, because they don't want anyone to get hurt on their behalf. it was their biggest rule to subaru, and doing what he did was just-- a mean, unfair loophole in the end.]

Yeah, yeah... I know. I'm on the same level as Rocchan and Akkichi, that's what they said.

[people they could never hate, only be mad at. but no matter how mad they got...

... they'd always love him. the mirroring might just break it, but that's why they'll never know. only natsume, subaru, and god does.]

Natsume, I don't mind if you're mad at me. I was pissed at you too, for your eyes. [though the reason as it why is sort of foggy, outside of that you shouldn't sacrifice parts of yourself for others-- oh, what a laugh, he's such a hypocrite] But Keigo told me that what's done is done, when I went to pretty much harass them about it, and all I could really do is... be there for you, in any way I could be.

[staying on his blind side so no one else would.

someone natsume could trust without a moment's hesitation to cover the places he could no longer see.

this subaru wonders if he's still allowed that.]

I'm still mad at you. I won't ever not be mad at you. Hell, I'll probably be mad at you in my next life too~. [no joke, it could last.] That's why you can hold it against me all you want, but... I miss being friends with you.

[it's selfish. he has no right to it. the bonds are different, the memories are different, this subaru is a mockery of the one natsume knew...

...

but in the end, isn't he still subaru akehoshi?]

[crystallomancy]

( in the end, he is still subaru akehoshi. )

Keep missing IT, ( but there's no heat or real meaning behind the words. he's saying them just to say them. this is his memory, and he wants to get it over with, but...

... )

To YOU, were we only friends HERE, or were we friends in your ( falsified, perfect ) life as WELL? ...What was I?

[starrypoint]

... You weren't there.

[quiet, an apology.]

We were only friends here, but we became pretty fast ones. Like we were fated.

[because they were, in a way. god allows that much. it's a saving grace, maybe, that there's no pretense from memories that don't matter. subaru doesn't know how to feel, honestly; his current memories aren't real, but they're not fake either. he remembers them with vivid clarity. he can feel them. but they're not real, they're not Subaru Akehoshi, they're some phony's living in someone else's body.

like a parasite taking over its host.]

I think it's better that way, though. That means... you're the genuine you. It's not that you weren't important enough to notice or befriend or anything, you just didn't exist -- because I feel like if you did, I would've found you.

[...

like he had here, though he doesn't know it.]

[crystallomancy]

( no, it's better that way, somehow. except then it's funny, because it feels like the first time they talked was for natsume to go "hey, i murdered people, and this place is fucked up".

...

he half-coughs, half-laughs, and he covers his mouth, staring away. it probably wasn't like that; there was probably something in that dreaming between, maybe, or in the years he forgot. something like that. his voice is a little normal when he speaks, though. )

Don't say such romantic THINGS. Your beau dead or NOT, I still consider you taKEN. And you're still not my TYPE. ( ... ) Akehoshi-kun, if you want to be friendly with ME, we'll have to learn about each other aGAIN. I don't care that you think you know ME, and that I know who you were—we don't know each other at ALL.

( well

they didn't know each other so well either before, but—natsume lowers his hand, ignores the bloody handprint it's left over his mouth; it doesn't even taste like blood anyway, even if it smells like it. somehow, this reminds him of... )

I'll decide if I want to be friends with you after THAT.

( he misses her, still. )

[starrypoint]

[he bites back a grin at the sound, at the admonishment of his incidental romantic gesture, and tugs his sleeve more over the heel of his hand as he wipes at the blood on natsume's face.]

Sounds like a certain girl I knew. [one he was fond of, too. but that's all he'll tease on it before he nods, feeling lighter than he has since losing everything.] Deal. I won't lose you again, Natsume, so let's be friends.

[it might have to be practice for his beau, after all.]