natsume sakasaki (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
crystallomancy) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
yogen2022-03-05 09:53 pm
crystallomancy) wrote in yogen2022-03-05 09:53 pm
Entry tags:
— reminiscence ＊ spring cherry blossoms and a night's encounter —
— reminiscence ＊ gathering of the three magicians —
( the forest, inexplicably, goes dark around you as some point, and—
you're standing next to a young man with long, light blue hair gathered up into a ponytail, and a slightly younger natsume. instead of a forest, there's rows and rows of seats instead—a concert hall, with some dozen voices chattering away softly about this or that performance.
the next one contains at least one familiar-looking idol, with them introducing their group as trickstar and launching into some idol-like song. it apparently doesn't matter to the memory, nor to the person it belongs to; it hadn't been important at the time. what is important is what comes next:
the main event. valkyrie steps onto stage, and it all seems to be going well... but natsume is tense, and the music is distorting, and the idols on stage dance as if guided by marionette strings.
something doesn't feel quite right. )
— reminiscence ＊ gathering of the three magicians —
( again, the forest opens into a stage, but this time the skies are mostly clear and dotted with stars, the night air is comfortably cool, and the same slightly young natsume sits with a folder in his hands, knuckles white. off to the side stands the same young man from the other memory, with long blue hair, though he has a partner in a hockey mask with him; and on the other side of the stage, almost out of sight, is fine.
this, too, has an air of unease despite the beautiful weather and the beautiful stage. natsume breathes out shakily, this time fully aware of the memory. )
...I wonder if I can't change things this TIME.
Edited 2022-03-06 03:04 (UTC)
( fortunetelling )
( magic training )
( wildcard )
( well, just because natsume's in a terrible place mentally doesn't mean he can't fall back into the comfortable habit of offering to read fortunes.
he smiles at anyone who passes the library where he's set up his fortunetelling table, polite and civil. )
Would you like your fortune read toDAY? The first question is FREE, and the others can be paid for with whatever you might have on you—snacks, coins, or informaTION.
( you know, just going back to his roots. )
( magic training )
( his second fall-back: busy himself as much as possible. in the courtyard, he's practicing his magic circles—distinctly healing-aligned in nature, for those who might be versed in elsword magic—as well as his control... by making multiple shining, planet-like orbs around him and seeing how large he can get them before they cave in with a small explosion.
he's getting better. they're pretty large—probably on par with a certain planetary spell noah was practicing some months ago, and their "small explosions" are still loud and painful for anyone caught too close.
which is natsume, usually, but he can heal himself up. if you get caught in it... well, depending on who you are, you're either out of luck or he'll help you, too. it's 50/50 right now for everyone. )
( wildcard )
( if you have anything else... he's just around school, privately plotting revenge and ignoring/avoiding subaru. )
( the school looks like yogen, but it isn't—so in short, it just looks like your regular, run-of-the-mill high school. there's faint chattering of students echoing in the halls, from half-open classrooms and from the courtyard below,
but the school itself seems empty of students, despite its noise.
the classroom closest to subaru has a voice that's very familiar though, a song that might feel familiar sung under the person's breath but that isn't one he knows—an itch at his brain, like a few things have felt like. an itch, an itch.
something missing, but what?
...
and then, the slightly younger version of someone who keeps avoiding him, who won't talk to him directly, who looks coolly and right through him, stepping to the door to speak to whoever it is inside.
his voice is light and clear, cutting through the spring haze: )
Subaru Akehoshi-kun.
( ... )
Edited 2022-03-06 03:42 (UTC)
( the school looks nothing like yogen. it's a shoddy and small dance academy, apparently for young children.
and speaking of young children.
this little girl (?), probably no more than seven or eight, is putting on a show for some fellow kids, her footwork perfect. she gives a deep bow for the class, smiling wide as they shower her with praise. red hair, gold eyes... but there's no white in her hair, so maybe it isn't a certain red-head komaeda's come to know—
"Nami-chan, can you show us another dance? Since it's your last day here and all? Pretty please?"
'nami-chan' looks as if she's about to refuse, but her feet start moving on their own, and the look of frustration she wears mimics natsume's in the far future perfectly.
and one komaeda will also find beside him, near-scowl. )
They were always so easily imPRESSED. If they actually took our lessons seriousLY, they would've been able to do all of that TOO.
Edited 2022-03-06 04:19 (UTC)
[it's an itch.
it's a familiar scene, in a way, and it makes him wonder if it's like the songs he can't quite remember the source of from the cultural festival, conversations with so many others that feel like a string of paper-cut snowflakes. he had them. but there's holes, and ones that he finds himself struggling to see into...
... all he knows is that they were important, that they drew the person talking to him a little closer, there was a commonality and understanding.
the second voice, the one that makes his head snap up and turn so fast his breath clenches in his throat, natsume's name caught pressed against his lips as he holds them fast.
he doesn't remember the last time they even caught glances, much less talked.
it hurts.
it hurts so, so much, and he doesn't understand the depths of "why".
so of course he moves closer, hand reaching out to grab natsume's shoulder and hovering just away when his eyes glance inside instead.]
it's a familiar scene, in a way, and it makes him wonder if it's like the songs he can't quite remember the source of from the cultural festival, conversations with so many others that feel like a string of paper-cut snowflakes. he had them. but there's holes, and ones that he finds himself struggling to see into...
... all he knows is that they were important, that they drew the person talking to him a little closer, there was a commonality and understanding.
the second voice, the one that makes his head snap up and turn so fast his breath clenches in his throat, natsume's name caught pressed against his lips as he holds them fast.
he doesn't remember the last time they even caught glances, much less talked.
it hurts.
it hurts so, so much, and he doesn't understand the depths of "why".
so of course he moves closer, hand reaching out to grab natsume's shoulder and hovering just away when his eyes glance inside instead.]
( subaru, meet subaru—a subaru who looks up from wiping down desks as part of day duty, surprised. almost on guard, before it relaxes just a bit.
whatever he says is muffled, the feelings of a laugh at the edges of his words—a confused one, a "why are you calling out to me?" one. natsume smiles, thin but patiently. civil. )
It's Sakasaki, not Sakaki. Natsume Sakasaki, though people often get my last name WRONG... But we're the same CLASS, so you ought to at least remember my NAME.
( memory-natsume bows slightly, head tilting to the side. not taking notice of the subaru-who's-stumbled-in at all. )
It's a pleasure to make your acquainTANCE ♪
whatever he says is muffled, the feelings of a laugh at the edges of his words—a confused one, a "why are you calling out to me?" one. natsume smiles, thin but patiently. civil. )
It's Sakasaki, not Sakaki. Natsume Sakasaki, though people often get my last name WRONG... But we're the same CLASS, so you ought to at least remember my NAME.
( memory-natsume bows slightly, head tilting to the side. not taking notice of the subaru-who's-stumbled-in at all. )
It's a pleasure to make your acquainTANCE ♪
[oh.
... oh, that's strange to see, and he feels the few years difference between them. there's a certain guard to the other subaru, but a flickering hope beneath; the one who stands apart, struggling to say a word, can't say he understands that feeling at all.
after all, he had friends. he made plenty of them. he had a little gang of them, and they got into all sorts of normal troubles.]
Natsume, [he says at the same time the other does (muffled, mouthed to the present subaru), but he doesn't know how to respond after that.
what's going on? what is this? why am i here?
whatever the subaru-who-isn't-him says falls on his own deaf ears, though he can recognize the sort of scene it is. that isn't his name on the board, after all, it's someone else's. a friend? a bully? what is this, who is this, why is this...]
... oh, that's strange to see, and he feels the few years difference between them. there's a certain guard to the other subaru, but a flickering hope beneath; the one who stands apart, struggling to say a word, can't say he understands that feeling at all.
after all, he had friends. he made plenty of them. he had a little gang of them, and they got into all sorts of normal troubles.]
Natsume, [he says at the same time the other does (muffled, mouthed to the present subaru), but he doesn't know how to respond after that.
what's going on? what is this? why am i here?
whatever the subaru-who-isn't-him says falls on his own deaf ears, though he can recognize the sort of scene it is. that isn't his name on the board, after all, it's someone else's. a friend? a bully? what is this, who is this, why is this...]
( the memory-natsume pauses at real-subaru's voice calling his name, like maybe it isn't a memory, actually
and then the memory continues to play out the way it should, answering some question posed to him: )
Ahaha—that's because I've already studied most of the material that we're covering around this time of YEAR. A looong time aGO, I attended an idol training school just like this ONE. Our school's curriculum is more basic though—it's geared towards kids who don't know how to do any of this alreaDY. ( memory-natsume sighs, a hand lifting in the air. ) It's excruciatingly painful to have to sit and listen quietly to things you've already been TAUGHT.
( and then he pauses. )
And to things you've already experiENCED, ( he says, a line out of script, and the chattering of the students grows louder like cicadas in summer, rising and rising and rising and
the school looks like yogen, but it isn't—so in short, it just looks like your regular, run-of-the-mill high school. there's faint chattering of students echoing in the halls, from half-open classrooms and from the courtyard below,
but the school itself seems empty of students, despite its noise. a classroom door close to subaru is slightly ajar, but the room seems unoccupied as well. )
and then the memory continues to play out the way it should, answering some question posed to him: )
Ahaha—that's because I've already studied most of the material that we're covering around this time of YEAR. A looong time aGO, I attended an idol training school just like this ONE. Our school's curriculum is more basic though—it's geared towards kids who don't know how to do any of this alreaDY. ( memory-natsume sighs, a hand lifting in the air. ) It's excruciatingly painful to have to sit and listen quietly to things you've already been TAUGHT.
( and then he pauses. )
And to things you've already experiENCED, ( he says, a line out of script, and the chattering of the students grows louder like cicadas in summer, rising and rising and rising and
the school looks like yogen, but it isn't—so in short, it just looks like your regular, run-of-the-mill high school. there's faint chattering of students echoing in the halls, from half-open classrooms and from the courtyard below,
but the school itself seems empty of students, despite its noise. a classroom door close to subaru is slightly ajar, but the room seems unoccupied as well. )
[the line off script (he doesn't know how he knows it is, maybe it's the tone or the way everything suddenly gets suffocatingly loud and then
cuts out, standing in place, heart beating weirdly fast as his head snaps to the door ajar, listening for the sound of humming, of a song he doesn't quite know, for the itch to return and to be enveloped once more by something that doesn't feel all-together his and not his.
he runs his tongue over his teeth, feeling like something's missing, and pushes the door open to look inside. is it really unoccupied? if it is he might investigate a little, to learn about the boy who'd looked like him two years ago and bore the same name he has for eighteen years of his life.]
cuts out, standing in place, heart beating weirdly fast as his head snaps to the door ajar, listening for the sound of humming, of a song he doesn't quite know, for the itch to return and to be enveloped once more by something that doesn't feel all-together his and not his.
he runs his tongue over his teeth, feeling like something's missing, and pushes the door open to look inside. is it really unoccupied? if it is he might investigate a little, to learn about the boy who'd looked like him two years ago and bore the same name he has for eighteen years of his life.]
( it's empty.
no, on first glance it is. on second look, though, there's natsume right by the door. he looks at subaru, a flicker of recognition and then discontent, and he raises a finger to his lips. there's holly on his fingernails, as if painted, but when subaru blinks it disappears.
natsume does not. he looks across the hall instead, to another ajar door, and dimly, dimly, the sound of a conversation that subaru should know (he was part of it, being laden with chores for the second, the third, the fourth, the ██████ day in a row) just barely over the yammering of students unseen. unimportant.
but if he tries to move towards it, natsume will grab his arm, then flinch away like he's touched fire instead of a person. )
no, on first glance it is. on second look, though, there's natsume right by the door. he looks at subaru, a flicker of recognition and then discontent, and he raises a finger to his lips. there's holly on his fingernails, as if painted, but when subaru blinks it disappears.
natsume does not. he looks across the hall instead, to another ajar door, and dimly, dimly, the sound of a conversation that subaru should know (he was part of it, being laden with chores for the second, the third, the fourth, the ██████ day in a row) just barely over the yammering of students unseen. unimportant.
but if he tries to move towards it, natsume will grab his arm, then flinch away like he's touched fire instead of a person. )
-- Do you hate me that much?
[he asks, stopped by the other and hating, a little, how much he relishes in the simple contact. what's it matter? they were friends. they were close. subaru doesn't remember parts of their conversations. he doesn't know why natsume is so hurt, or what was all said on the mountain.
just that he had been ready, had been eager to forget.
and for what.
subaru doesn't know if it helped. if anything changed. but he knows that jizo wouldn't lie, and everything matters.]
What's going on? Why am I here?
[questions natsume isn't obligated to answer.]
[he asks, stopped by the other and hating, a little, how much he relishes in the simple contact. what's it matter? they were friends. they were close. subaru doesn't remember parts of their conversations. he doesn't know why natsume is so hurt, or what was all said on the mountain.
just that he had been ready, had been eager to forget.
and for what.
subaru doesn't know if it helped. if anything changed. but he knows that jizo wouldn't lie, and everything matters.]
What's going on? Why am I here?
[questions natsume isn't obligated to answer.]
You as in the you of NOW, or you as in the person you saw ten seconds aGO?
( the distinction is important.
and he isn't answer the question he should actually answer, because the answer isn't one either of them wants to hear. )
( the distinction is important.
and he isn't answer the question he should actually answer, because the answer isn't one either of them wants to hear. )
Uh, ten seconds ago. I was just taking a walk in the forest when I stumbled my way here.
[something about an inviting arch of tree branches, a swath of brush, and then a hallway in a place halfway familiar. dream logic at its finest, and he remembers the rumors of students coming in here and not returning.
...
he wonders if natsume intended to be one.]
[something about an inviting arch of tree branches, a swath of brush, and then a hallway in a place halfway familiar. dream logic at its finest, and he remembers the rumors of students coming in here and not returning.
...
he wonders if natsume intended to be one.]
( haha, who knows. )
...It doesn't matTER. ( it matters. it matters, but it doesn't matter. natsume turns to listen to the voices again, and the shadowy figures of some boys step out of the classroom and disappear out of sight almost immediately.
after a few moments, the song subaru should know but doesn't starts up again, soft. natsume's shoulders tighten. )
Don't go in THERE. It's not your memoRY.
( ...
not anymore. )
...It doesn't matTER. ( it matters. it matters, but it doesn't matter. natsume turns to listen to the voices again, and the shadowy figures of some boys step out of the classroom and disappear out of sight almost immediately.
after a few moments, the song subaru should know but doesn't starts up again, soft. natsume's shoulders tighten. )
Don't go in THERE. It's not your memoRY.
( ...
not anymore. )
I know it's not. I never went to school with you until now, and I didn't get day duty shoved off on me.
[...
but he steps forward anyway, frustration building at not knowing--]
[...
but he steps forward anyway, frustration building at not knowing--]
( natsume catches his wrist again and yanks him back, too close but he doesn't care, he doesn't— )
≪You gave this up, so you're not allowed to see it!≫
( —which is not the right thing to say, but it's true, and natsume's grip tightens before he throws subaru's wrist instead of dropping it like a normal person and crosses the hallway to the other classroom before subaru can.
the door slams. the voice inside yelps instead of just spooks, and the school is quiet, quiet, quiet. )
≪You gave this up, so you're not allowed to see it!≫
( —which is not the right thing to say, but it's true, and natsume's grip tightens before he throws subaru's wrist instead of dropping it like a normal person and crosses the hallway to the other classroom before subaru can.
the door slams. the voice inside yelps instead of just spooks, and the school is quiet, quiet, quiet. )
[quiet, quiet, quiet,
and he's alone. there's no helena, no god, just the muffled voices of a memory he gave up, that plays like a movie he has no recollection of seeing and yet feels nostalgic all the same. he stares at the door, hand reaching hesitantly to rest at its sliding inlet, before he silently opens it to peek in.
a little more nervous, this time, the other subaru is. but warms up quick enough just as before. the present subaru swallows something down and just
decides to watch, to play audience to memories he doesn't know and feelings he shouldn't have. missing pieces hung right in front of him, but he doesn't have the puzzle they fit into anymore -- just the faint knowledge of he did, maybe, once upon a time, traded for a future that was smothered the day of anyway.
did it matter?
did it matter if it did or not?
was it selfish? selfless? was it a kindness or was he just scared? could it be all?
did it matter?
...
one kindness spurs another, this he does know. would it be kinder to leave natsume? or to try and understand? even if he's not wanted here, even if he's forbidden to see, is it wrong to want to try? he wants to know. he wants to understand. he wants to see what hurt natsume so much, and why the same feeling claws at him like a burrowing mole.]
and he's alone. there's no helena, no god, just the muffled voices of a memory he gave up, that plays like a movie he has no recollection of seeing and yet feels nostalgic all the same. he stares at the door, hand reaching hesitantly to rest at its sliding inlet, before he silently opens it to peek in.
a little more nervous, this time, the other subaru is. but warms up quick enough just as before. the present subaru swallows something down and just
decides to watch, to play audience to memories he doesn't know and feelings he shouldn't have. missing pieces hung right in front of him, but he doesn't have the puzzle they fit into anymore -- just the faint knowledge of he did, maybe, once upon a time, traded for a future that was smothered the day of anyway.
did it matter?
did it matter if it did or not?
was it selfish? selfless? was it a kindness or was he just scared? could it be all?
did it matter?
...
one kindness spurs another, this he does know. would it be kinder to leave natsume? or to try and understand? even if he's not wanted here, even if he's forbidden to see, is it wrong to want to try? he wants to know. he wants to understand. he wants to see what hurt natsume so much, and why the same feeling claws at him like a burrowing mole.]
( the beginning plays just as it did before, but instead of stopping where it had it continues, natsume explaining why he skips class, subaru's muffled rebuttal, the explanation of why he's attending yumenosaki...
things subaru shouldn't be allowed to know anymore. things he's learning about natsume, again.
the memory says something that makes natsume's fingers twitch beside him, and he folds his arms behind his back. too straight, too rigid. )
You enrolled because you wanted to be an iDOL... ( he repeats the words softly, off-script. ) Like your faTHER.
( it's a jump in the conversation. it strips it bare, gives the memory pause and switches its expression back to guarded. careful. a muffled question, and natsume hesitates on his lines before he shakes his head. )
...No, I didn't call out to you because of your father or anyTHING. ( not exactly what he said. not exactly what he means. ) I'd like to be friends with YOU, Subaru Akehoshi-kun. That's ALL. I won't deny that knowing your father is part of IT, but not in the way you think—
( the memory crinkles at the edges, and the other subaru's eyebrows furrow before he cautiously replies with something. natsume's lips press together. )
Our parents knew one anoTHER. You could say I'm reaching out to you because I feel for you and your circumstanCES. ( this is all so wrong, wrong, wrong. ) If your father had had a comrade to call a friend on the battlefield we stand on as iDOLS, perhaps he wouldn't have had such a tragic END... I'd like to give you what he didn't HAVE.
( this memory is so
wrong, wrong, wrong. not the way it's supposed to go, skipping too many lines, too many heartbeats, and natsume can feel the other subaru watching them, the heat of his gaze almost too much to bear but if he has to repeat this charade one more time— )
things subaru shouldn't be allowed to know anymore. things he's learning about natsume, again.
the memory says something that makes natsume's fingers twitch beside him, and he folds his arms behind his back. too straight, too rigid. )
You enrolled because you wanted to be an iDOL... ( he repeats the words softly, off-script. ) Like your faTHER.
( it's a jump in the conversation. it strips it bare, gives the memory pause and switches its expression back to guarded. careful. a muffled question, and natsume hesitates on his lines before he shakes his head. )
...No, I didn't call out to you because of your father or anyTHING. ( not exactly what he said. not exactly what he means. ) I'd like to be friends with YOU, Subaru Akehoshi-kun. That's ALL. I won't deny that knowing your father is part of IT, but not in the way you think—
( the memory crinkles at the edges, and the other subaru's eyebrows furrow before he cautiously replies with something. natsume's lips press together. )
Our parents knew one anoTHER. You could say I'm reaching out to you because I feel for you and your circumstanCES. ( this is all so wrong, wrong, wrong. ) If your father had had a comrade to call a friend on the battlefield we stand on as iDOLS, perhaps he wouldn't have had such a tragic END... I'd like to give you what he didn't HAVE.
( this memory is so
wrong, wrong, wrong. not the way it's supposed to go, skipping too many lines, too many heartbeats, and natsume can feel the other subaru watching them, the heat of his gaze almost too much to bear but if he has to repeat this charade one more time— )
[......
is this... real?
the puzzle shifts and it isn't his anymore, but he can put the pieces together. how kind natsume's always been. how it made subaru want to be the same. how much it hurt slowly coming into focus, and why natsume hadn't wanted him to bear witness to something that no longer belonged to him.
a movie titled "subaru akehoshi" lay before him, already twenty mins past the prologue of what happened to the man who was his father, the tragic end that turned him into a boy who wanted to please others so badly for a scrap of attention. for a friend to call his own. it runs almost similar to the movie he lives now, though he has the friends he sought and he never pleased anyone he didn't want to to have them.
but subaru akehoshi always craves to be seen.
it aches. it claws and bites and tears at him, until the frustration runs warm down his cheeks; he closes the door as quietly as he can, leaning head first against the wall to center himself, fist balled up in the heart of his shirt.
he doesn't realize he's left it ajar, and maybe natsume doesn't realize it either.]
is this... real?
the puzzle shifts and it isn't his anymore, but he can put the pieces together. how kind natsume's always been. how it made subaru want to be the same. how much it hurt slowly coming into focus, and why natsume hadn't wanted him to bear witness to something that no longer belonged to him.
a movie titled "subaru akehoshi" lay before him, already twenty mins past the prologue of what happened to the man who was his father, the tragic end that turned him into a boy who wanted to please others so badly for a scrap of attention. for a friend to call his own. it runs almost similar to the movie he lives now, though he has the friends he sought and he never pleased anyone he didn't want to to have them.
but subaru akehoshi always craves to be seen.
it aches. it claws and bites and tears at him, until the frustration runs warm down his cheeks; he closes the door as quietly as he can, leaning head first against the wall to center himself, fist balled up in the heart of his shirt.
he doesn't realize he's left it ajar, and maybe natsume doesn't realize it either.]
This is my second time having my fortune told here... I wonder if my future has changed at all. I suppose that's the free question I'd be interested in having an answer to.
[She thinks things like this are interesting, as she likes to see what might be actually seen by different fortune tellers.]
[She thinks things like this are interesting, as she likes to see what might be actually seen by different fortune tellers.]
( the heat leaves his back and it makes him want to turn and ask, are you happy, opening pandora's box?
it's petty. it's cruel. it's unavoidable when natsume sees the memory's gaze stray to the door and widen, and natsume turns, too. the silence bursts into the chattering song of students again, first too quiet then too loud, and
subaru will find himself with a rag, some cleaning solution, and desks to clean, tears still on his cheeks and frustration in his heart and in the sun on its way down just outside of the school, the last dregs of the day winding down in agonizing almost solitude. at least he isn't alone; natsume is by the window, staring out of it, contemplating his life choices. he turns slightly, watching subaru and his warm, wet cheeks, and smiles. pleasant. cordial.
"it doesn't really reach your eyes," he'd been told once, the implication of i want to make you smile for real, like guys our age should drifting somewhere in the nether their relationship has always rested in. )
Are you happy ( he asks, slow and deliberate, voice so tight as not to shake that it's thinner than the rope he's been walking for almost two, three months now, ) having opened Pandora's BOX, Akehoshi-kun?
it's petty. it's cruel. it's unavoidable when natsume sees the memory's gaze stray to the door and widen, and natsume turns, too. the silence bursts into the chattering song of students again, first too quiet then too loud, and
subaru will find himself with a rag, some cleaning solution, and desks to clean, tears still on his cheeks and frustration in his heart and in the sun on its way down just outside of the school, the last dregs of the day winding down in agonizing almost solitude. at least he isn't alone; natsume is by the window, staring out of it, contemplating his life choices. he turns slightly, watching subaru and his warm, wet cheeks, and smiles. pleasant. cordial.
"it doesn't really reach your eyes," he'd been told once, the implication of i want to make you smile for real, like guys our age should drifting somewhere in the nether their relationship has always rested in. )
Are you happy ( he asks, slow and deliberate, voice so tight as not to shake that it's thinner than the rope he's been walking for almost two, three months now, ) having opened Pandora's BOX, Akehoshi-kun?
Yes, [he chokes out, dragging the rag against the desk harshly. he grips it harder, letting out a shaky breath, before continuing--] Because now I've got an idea of why I was crying so hard after Jizo-sama took it away.
[but not before. not the days leading up to it. too busy steeling himself to mourn what he'd lose, trying to hold it together and thinking of how worth it would be, crying only once he couldn't take it back -- and in the same night, losing the person he did it for, too.
did it matter? was it worth it? did he regret it?
...
no, regrets are for mistakes. he doesn't regret his decision, because it wasn't a mistake, but that doesn't mean he isn't allowed to mourn the aftershocks.]
You were my first friend, [he says to the desk,] and you know, even as far back as I can remember in Yogen, that's true. The first person who reached out to me both times was you.
[in a different way. in reality, subaru had called out to natsume here, but he wouldn't have known the name known to seek him out -- and so it became the opposite, that natsume called out to him, a mirroring of their first encounter. it settles like a puzzle piece laid on top of another, showing a different scene.
subaru looks up at natsume, determined and teary and voice cracking in a way that the other's never been cursed enough to hear:]
I want to know more.
[but not before. not the days leading up to it. too busy steeling himself to mourn what he'd lose, trying to hold it together and thinking of how worth it would be, crying only once he couldn't take it back -- and in the same night, losing the person he did it for, too.
did it matter? was it worth it? did he regret it?
...
no, regrets are for mistakes. he doesn't regret his decision, because it wasn't a mistake, but that doesn't mean he isn't allowed to mourn the aftershocks.]
You were my first friend, [he says to the desk,] and you know, even as far back as I can remember in Yogen, that's true. The first person who reached out to me both times was you.
[in a different way. in reality, subaru had called out to natsume here, but he wouldn't have known the name known to seek him out -- and so it became the opposite, that natsume called out to him, a mirroring of their first encounter. it settles like a puzzle piece laid on top of another, showing a different scene.
subaru looks up at natsume, determined and teary and voice cracking in a way that the other's never been cursed enough to hear:]
I want to know more.
( ... )
"And as Pandora opened the box once more to show Epithemus that it was empty, a small light named Hope, too, escaped into the world."
( everyone always forgets that part. natsume drums his fingers on the windowsill, watching subaru, and then back out at the horizon. )
It isn't going to fix anyTHING, ( he says softly. ) Are you really sure you want THIS, Subaru Akehoshi-kun?
"And as Pandora opened the box once more to show Epithemus that it was empty, a small light named Hope, too, escaped into the world."
( everyone always forgets that part. natsume drums his fingers on the windowsill, watching subaru, and then back out at the horizon. )
It isn't going to fix anyTHING, ( he says softly. ) Are you really sure you want THIS, Subaru Akehoshi-kun?
I can't fix what's broken, and I can't replace what was lost. But I wouldn't want to do that anyway, because the me you knew in those memories is important to you.
[important enough to spit venom at the person killing him, wanting to wound and hurt and bleed until the culprit ran dry and choked on their last breath.
subaru gets it. he does, because it's what he wants to do to amami, too. even if the keigo that he knew would always reside in his heart, in the memories he has, and each memory would just add something new to the old-- it's still different, or rather it isn't the same.]
My feelings haven't changed. You're my best friend, however it happened, and you're important to me. You're someone I love and wanna see smile, Natsume, who shines on and off stage -- none of that was a lie then and it isn't a lie now. So please, let me understand you... because the last time I didn't understand someone, he died.
[on bad terms getting worse, with little hope to reconcile. even though subaru tried to pry him open, tried to push until he gave, and fumbled each and every time.]
[important enough to spit venom at the person killing him, wanting to wound and hurt and bleed until the culprit ran dry and choked on their last breath.
subaru gets it. he does, because it's what he wants to do to amami, too. even if the keigo that he knew would always reside in his heart, in the memories he has, and each memory would just add something new to the old-- it's still different, or rather it isn't the same.]
My feelings haven't changed. You're my best friend, however it happened, and you're important to me. You're someone I love and wanna see smile, Natsume, who shines on and off stage -- none of that was a lie then and it isn't a lie now. So please, let me understand you... because the last time I didn't understand someone, he died.
[on bad terms getting worse, with little hope to reconcile. even though subaru tried to pry him open, tried to push until he gave, and fumbled each and every time.]
Please--I've lasted this LONG. I'm not going anywhere anytime SOON.
( which is true, too, for graduation. until the people he wants to see again are confirmed to be safe and well and able to move on just like him, the flower his soul will become will not wilt, will not wither, will not fall.
still.
subaru is how he's always been. natsume knew--he will always be cheer and careless sunshine, bright and warm and inspiring smiles in those he interacts with. natsume is ever an outlier when it comes to that, a maker of his own magic, but the power subaru's words hold even when he isn't anyone special isn't lost on him, either.
... )
In ten minUTES, the class representative Hokuto Hidaka-kun will come check in on things because he has to lock UP. You don't know him YET, but he'll become... ( natsume glances behind him, then at the clock that doesn't move but still ticks gently in the pauses between them. ) He did become someone very important to YOU. Hokuto Hidaka-kun, Makoto Yuuki-kun, and that abominable Mao Isara-kun all DID.
( he only resents mao because the only magician subaru needs to familiarize himself with is natsume, but that chance passed with the changing of the seasons, with praise and doting by his elders who felt he, a child, was on the same level as them... )
The two of us didn't spend that much time together, in TRUTH. You could argue it's due to me that you met those who would truly stand by your SIDE, since if I hadn't kept you so late with chatter you would not have talked with Hidaka-kun, and if I hadn't brought you to the Game Research Club you wouldn't have met Yuuki-kun eiTHER, and if I hadn't given up my spot in the Venus Cup then Isara-kun wouldn't have been the fourth member of your uNIT.
But I'd never lay claim to such coincidenCES, as auspicious as they might BE. ( meeting does not make friendships. subaru did that on his own. what did natsume do for him? ...) Anyway--
( the floor drops from beneath them. )
( which is true, too, for graduation. until the people he wants to see again are confirmed to be safe and well and able to move on just like him, the flower his soul will become will not wilt, will not wither, will not fall.
still.
subaru is how he's always been. natsume knew--he will always be cheer and careless sunshine, bright and warm and inspiring smiles in those he interacts with. natsume is ever an outlier when it comes to that, a maker of his own magic, but the power subaru's words hold even when he isn't anyone special isn't lost on him, either.
... )
In ten minUTES, the class representative Hokuto Hidaka-kun will come check in on things because he has to lock UP. You don't know him YET, but he'll become... ( natsume glances behind him, then at the clock that doesn't move but still ticks gently in the pauses between them. ) He did become someone very important to YOU. Hokuto Hidaka-kun, Makoto Yuuki-kun, and that abominable Mao Isara-kun all DID.
( he only resents mao because the only magician subaru needs to familiarize himself with is natsume, but that chance passed with the changing of the seasons, with praise and doting by his elders who felt he, a child, was on the same level as them... )
The two of us didn't spend that much time together, in TRUTH. You could argue it's due to me that you met those who would truly stand by your SIDE, since if I hadn't kept you so late with chatter you would not have talked with Hidaka-kun, and if I hadn't brought you to the Game Research Club you wouldn't have met Yuuki-kun eiTHER, and if I hadn't given up my spot in the Venus Cup then Isara-kun wouldn't have been the fourth member of your uNIT.
But I'd never lay claim to such coincidenCES, as auspicious as they might BE. ( meeting does not make friendships. subaru did that on his own. what did natsume do for him? ...) Anyway--
( the floor drops from beneath them. )
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