yogen | open / catchall | as i watched from a distance...

You as in the you of NOW, or you as in the person you saw ten seconds aGO?

( the distinction is important.

and he isn't answer the question he should actually answer, because the answer isn't one either of them wants to hear. )

Uh, ten seconds ago. I was just taking a walk in the forest when I stumbled my way here.

[something about an inviting arch of tree branches, a swath of brush, and then a hallway in a place halfway familiar. dream logic at its finest, and he remembers the rumors of students coming in here and not returning.

...

he wonders if natsume intended to be one.]

( haha, who knows. )

...It doesn't matTER. ( it matters. it matters, but it doesn't matter. natsume turns to listen to the voices again, and the shadowy figures of some boys step out of the classroom and disappear out of sight almost immediately.

after a few moments, the song subaru should know but doesn't starts up again, soft. natsume's shoulders tighten. )

Don't go in THERE. It's not your memoRY.

( ...

not anymore. )

I know it's not. I never went to school with you until now, and I didn't get day duty shoved off on me.

[...

but he steps forward anyway, frustration building at not knowing--]

( natsume catches his wrist again and yanks him back, too close but he doesn't care, he doesn't— )

≪You gave this up, so you're not allowed to see it!≫

( —which is not the right thing to say, but it's true, and natsume's grip tightens before he throws subaru's wrist instead of dropping it like a normal person and crosses the hallway to the other classroom before subaru can.

the door slams. the voice inside yelps instead of just spooks, and the school is quiet, quiet, quiet. )

[quiet, quiet, quiet,

and he's alone. there's no helena, no god, just the muffled voices of a memory he gave up, that plays like a movie he has no recollection of seeing and yet feels nostalgic all the same. he stares at the door, hand reaching hesitantly to rest at its sliding inlet, before he silently opens it to peek in.

a little more nervous, this time, the other subaru is. but warms up quick enough just as before. the present subaru swallows something down and just

decides to watch, to play audience to memories he doesn't know and feelings he shouldn't have. missing pieces hung right in front of him, but he doesn't have the puzzle they fit into anymore -- just the faint knowledge of he did, maybe, once upon a time, traded for a future that was smothered the day of anyway.

did it matter?

did it matter if it did or not?

was it selfish? selfless? was it a kindness or was he just scared? could it be all?

did it matter?

...

one kindness spurs another, this he does know. would it be kinder to leave natsume? or to try and understand? even if he's not wanted here, even if he's forbidden to see, is it wrong to want to try? he wants to know. he wants to understand. he wants to see what hurt natsume so much, and why the same feeling claws at him like a burrowing mole.]

( the beginning plays just as it did before, but instead of stopping where it had it continues, natsume explaining why he skips class, subaru's muffled rebuttal, the explanation of why he's attending yumenosaki...

things subaru shouldn't be allowed to know anymore. things he's learning about natsume, again.

the memory says something that makes natsume's fingers twitch beside him, and he folds his arms behind his back. too straight, too rigid. )

You enrolled because you wanted to be an iDOL... ( he repeats the words softly, off-script. ) Like your faTHER.

( it's a jump in the conversation. it strips it bare, gives the memory pause and switches its expression back to guarded. careful. a muffled question, and natsume hesitates on his lines before he shakes his head. )

...No, I didn't call out to you because of your father or anyTHING. ( not exactly what he said. not exactly what he means. ) I'd like to be friends with YOU, Subaru Akehoshi-kun. That's ALL. I won't deny that knowing your father is part of IT, but not in the way you think—

( the memory crinkles at the edges, and the other subaru's eyebrows furrow before he cautiously replies with something. natsume's lips press together. )

Our parents knew one anoTHER. You could say I'm reaching out to you because I feel for you and your circumstanCES. ( this is all so wrong, wrong, wrong. ) If your father had had a comrade to call a friend on the battlefield we stand on as iDOLS, perhaps he wouldn't have had such a tragic END... I'd like to give you what he didn't HAVE.

( this memory is so

wrong, wrong, wrong. not the way it's supposed to go, skipping too many lines, too many heartbeats, and natsume can feel the other subaru watching them, the heat of his gaze almost too much to bear but if he has to repeat this charade one more time— )

[......

is this... real?

the puzzle shifts and it isn't his anymore, but he can put the pieces together. how kind natsume's always been. how it made subaru want to be the same. how much it hurt slowly coming into focus, and why natsume hadn't wanted him to bear witness to something that no longer belonged to him.

a movie titled "subaru akehoshi" lay before him, already twenty mins past the prologue of what happened to the man who was his father, the tragic end that turned him into a boy who wanted to please others so badly for a scrap of attention. for a friend to call his own. it runs almost similar to the movie he lives now, though he has the friends he sought and he never pleased anyone he didn't want to to have them.

but subaru akehoshi always craves to be seen.

it aches. it claws and bites and tears at him, until the frustration runs warm down his cheeks; he closes the door as quietly as he can, leaning head first against the wall to center himself, fist balled up in the heart of his shirt.

he doesn't realize he's left it ajar, and maybe natsume doesn't realize it either.]

( the heat leaves his back and it makes him want to turn and ask, are you happy, opening pandora's box?

it's petty. it's cruel. it's unavoidable when natsume sees the memory's gaze stray to the door and widen, and natsume turns, too. the silence bursts into the chattering song of students again, first too quiet then too loud, and

subaru will find himself with a rag, some cleaning solution, and desks to clean, tears still on his cheeks and frustration in his heart and in the sun on its way down just outside of the school, the last dregs of the day winding down in agonizing almost solitude. at least he isn't alone; natsume is by the window, staring out of it, contemplating his life choices. he turns slightly, watching subaru and his warm, wet cheeks, and smiles. pleasant. cordial.

"it doesn't really reach your eyes," he'd been told once, the implication of i want to make you smile for real, like guys our age should drifting somewhere in the nether their relationship has always rested in. )

Are you happy ( he asks, slow and deliberate, voice so tight as not to shake that it's thinner than the rope he's been walking for almost two, three months now, ) having opened Pandora's BOX, Akehoshi-kun?

Yes, [he chokes out, dragging the rag against the desk harshly. he grips it harder, letting out a shaky breath, before continuing--] Because now I've got an idea of why I was crying so hard after Jizo-sama took it away.

[but not before. not the days leading up to it. too busy steeling himself to mourn what he'd lose, trying to hold it together and thinking of how worth it would be, crying only once he couldn't take it back -- and in the same night, losing the person he did it for, too.

did it matter? was it worth it? did he regret it?

...

no, regrets are for mistakes. he doesn't regret his decision, because it wasn't a mistake, but that doesn't mean he isn't allowed to mourn the aftershocks.]

You were my first friend, [he says to the desk,] and you know, even as far back as I can remember in Yogen, that's true. The first person who reached out to me both times was you.

[in a different way. in reality, subaru had called out to natsume here, but he wouldn't have known the name known to seek him out -- and so it became the opposite, that natsume called out to him, a mirroring of their first encounter. it settles like a puzzle piece laid on top of another, showing a different scene.

subaru looks up at natsume, determined and teary and voice cracking in a way that the other's never been cursed enough to hear:]

I want to know more.

( ... )

"And as Pandora opened the box once more to show Epithemus that it was empty, a small light named Hope, too, escaped into the world."

( everyone always forgets that part. natsume drums his fingers on the windowsill, watching subaru, and then back out at the horizon. )

It isn't going to fix anyTHING, ( he says softly. ) Are you really sure you want THIS, Subaru Akehoshi-kun?

I can't fix what's broken, and I can't replace what was lost. But I wouldn't want to do that anyway, because the me you knew in those memories is important to you.

[important enough to spit venom at the person killing him, wanting to wound and hurt and bleed until the culprit ran dry and choked on their last breath.

subaru gets it. he does, because it's what he wants to do to amami, too. even if the keigo that he knew would always reside in his heart, in the memories he has, and each memory would just add something new to the old-- it's still different, or rather it isn't the same.]

My feelings haven't changed. You're my best friend, however it happened, and you're important to me. You're someone I love and wanna see smile, Natsume, who shines on and off stage -- none of that was a lie then and it isn't a lie now. So please, let me understand you... because the last time I didn't understand someone, he died.

[on bad terms getting worse, with little hope to reconcile. even though subaru tried to pry him open, tried to push until he gave, and fumbled each and every time.]

Please--I've lasted this LONG. I'm not going anywhere anytime SOON.

( which is true, too, for graduation. until the people he wants to see again are confirmed to be safe and well and able to move on just like him, the flower his soul will become will not wilt, will not wither, will not fall.

still.

subaru is how he's always been. natsume knew--he will always be cheer and careless sunshine, bright and warm and inspiring smiles in those he interacts with. natsume is ever an outlier when it comes to that, a maker of his own magic, but the power subaru's words hold even when he isn't anyone special isn't lost on him, either.

... )

In ten minUTES, the class representative Hokuto Hidaka-kun will come check in on things because he has to lock UP. You don't know him YET, but he'll become... ( natsume glances behind him, then at the clock that doesn't move but still ticks gently in the pauses between them. ) He did become someone very important to YOU. Hokuto Hidaka-kun, Makoto Yuuki-kun, and that abominable Mao Isara-kun all DID.

( he only resents mao because the only magician subaru needs to familiarize himself with is natsume, but that chance passed with the changing of the seasons, with praise and doting by his elders who felt he, a child, was on the same level as them... )

The two of us didn't spend that much time together, in TRUTH. You could argue it's due to me that you met those who would truly stand by your SIDE, since if I hadn't kept you so late with chatter you would not have talked with Hidaka-kun, and if I hadn't brought you to the Game Research Club you wouldn't have met Yuuki-kun eiTHER, and if I hadn't given up my spot in the Venus Cup then Isara-kun wouldn't have been the fourth member of your uNIT.

But I'd never lay claim to such coincidenCES, as auspicious as they might BE. ( meeting does not make friendships. subaru did that on his own. what did natsume do for him? ...) Anyway--

( the floor drops from beneath them. )

[subaru's eyes flick to the clock as natsume speaks, then back to the boy as he continues; the names are unfamiliar, pieces he hasn't laid out on the puzzleboard yet, and he's about to speak out against natsume's own contributions (what has he given subaru, anyway?) before the floor drops out beneath them.

it drops and his heart does too, right into his stomach, hands reaching out for natsume because he doesn't want to lose him again he doesn't want to lose anyone else he doesn't want to be alone he doesn't want to be alone he doesn't want to be alone he doesn't]

( he is not alone. the scene stutters back to the classroom, same as before, but there's blood on the walls and the floor and dripping from the ceiling. natsume sits on a desk in the middle of it, splattered, watching the clock.

the view outside is unchanged from before, but the calendar indicates it's a little closer to the end of the year, maybe. the dates are hard to read, scratched out by fingernails.

natsume looks at subaru, who is spotless no matter how many times blood drips on him, and crosses his legs. )

Would you like to hear why we didn't spend that much time togeTHER, Akehoshi-kun?

[this is the worst dreamscape actually.

it isn't the first time subaru's seen blood, he's been in his fair share of fights (as a normal boy should be, living a normal life and running with a normal if rough crowd) and here in yogen, too, he's seen it plenty. he doesn't think the dark red suits natsume, though, and he steps closer, blood on the floor parting as if not wanting to touch subaru at all.

he'll move closer until he stands next to natsume, wishing he had his rag and deciding to sit next to him. close as he can, blood slipping off the desk surface. his cheeks still feel warm, his voice still scratchy, but he wants to know.

even though it hurts, even if it sucks, subaru akehoshi has always wanted to know the truth.]

I didn't abandon you then too, did I?

( opposite. natsume shakes his head, and this close, subaru can see there are shallow cuts that slowly bleed too much for just shallow cuts on his cheeks, his throat. blood gathers in particularly by the left side of his chest, just under his heart. )

...Once upon a TIME, a young boy wished to connect with someone ELSE. He traveled many days and many NIGHTS, though numerous cities and counTRIES, meeting and connecting with many different kinds of peoPLE.

But in the END, he always LEFT. It wasn't safe--advisable--for him to become too close with anyONE. Their kind didn't need anyone ELSE, his mommy had told HIM. Everyone else needed THEM.

Still, the young boy was just that: a boy, and human on top of IT. Humanity desires what it cannot HAVE... And he desired companions he could share his woes WITH, his joys WITH, his frustrations and his PAIN. Yet he had no idea what to look for; he had had nothing but chance meetings and his dear mommy's words and his darling daddy's sixth sense for potenTIAL.

( natsume wipes his cheek and stares at the blood, then wipes it on the desk between them. the next part of the story... )

One DAY, while venturing on his own and out of his parents' REACH, he caught a STAR. The star was a painful, beautiful THING, and he knew like all the other stars he had met and caught in his hands that it would not suffer his company for LONG. He was careful with it regardLESS, and yet he lost it, TOO.

But this was a mistake of his own maKING. He had wandered into a dark forest inhabited by demons and had lost his WAY... He had thought he could handle it on his OWN, as any good boy of their kind COULD. It was loneLY, the jeers of those who hated or feared his kind echoing among the TREES--

This story has a happy endING, ( he says, with the steady dripping of blood as their background music, ) so don't make such a FACE. The boy was found by a group of particularly well-behaved demons and given shelTER.

Then you should get to that part a little quicker.

[because he knows the sort of face he's making, but that's all he says at first. he can put the pieces together, clumsily and then making more sense on it, sliding his fingers through the blood between them and watching it pull away from the threat of his touch.

...]

I don't think the star would've minded being in your orbit for longer. [just a hunch. just a feeling. a stirring in his heart, a yearning he can't place name to.] What's all the blood for if everything turned out okay?

The demons were slaughtered by a group of people who were well-intenTIONED, but bruTAL.

( eichi hadn't been wrong. something had needed to change. the five he had picked to be the scapegoats for his revolution... five, for the good of all. five, for the chance to talk to one. four, because one of them was protected. )

But let me pick up where I left OFF. The demons were... KIND. They showed the boy many wonderous THINGS, taught him many wonderous THINGS, allowed him to play under their watchful eyes and took advantage of the fact he was so innoCENT... He didn't see them as demons, after ALL. To him, they were KIN. Others who had wanted connections that would last but for whatever reason had NOT... Others referred to as prodigies or worshipped as GOD, held on pedestals that set them apart as outCASTS.

They were happy, for a TIME. Those who saw the group were jealous yet in awe of THEM, applauding their existence and convincing themselves they would never be able to achieve those HEIGHTS. They were happy--content--to indulge in their worldly pleasures inSTEAD. But...

( ... )

"Humans feel discomforted when they gaze upon something of pure beauTY, and they seek to sully it with their own HANDS. Plucking feathers from angels' wings until they plummet down to EARTH, throwing mud at the sun until they've completely eradicated its brilliANCE..."

( they're words he's spoken before, to the very boy he's sitting with now, but in a different context. the irony does not escape him. )

Those who loved and gazed upon the demons-turned-gods rallied against them as soon as it seemed the reason for their poor circumstances were solely due to those so-called geniusES. They championed a group of strategists who took up the mantle as slayers of deMONS, and one by ONE, the family the young boy had found for himself and loved with all his heart was decimaTED.

( the blood pulls away from the walls, the ceiling, pooling into four figures standing around them; one hung on a thin piece of wire, another with its chest carved out and its heart pinned against the floor, a third torn to pieces, and a fourth with its wings pierced through.

the fourth smiles. the other three do not. )

...They accepted this turn of eVENTS.

( despite their expressions, all of them did. )

They were granted humanity with their sacriFICE, a chance to form bonds that would LAST, and the young boy who had wandered into their care and who had been tempted by the compliments and comfort of deMONS...

( ... )

He could form those TOO, now that he had learned HOW. Now that he understood what they MEANT. The END.

[... ... ...

that was a lot, and despite its fairy tale nature he can see in natsume's expression what it means. because try as he might, he has never been able to control his face as well as he'd like, too emotional and too human. subaru laces his fingers together, resting them on his lap.]

You sure know how to tell a story, [he finally says.] I bet you'd even give Lena a run for her money.

[...]

Our school's pretty messed up, huh?

[their school. it isn't his any longer, he knows that -- the one he went to was standard and without that level of sacrifice, of social genocide. you had your bullies. you had your victims. you had those who would look away, and those who just looked on. you had the few who would reach out anyway, and suffer for it unless they showed they weren't someone to be messed with.

subaru thinks of busted lips and bruised knuckles, of how the ground tasted until he dragged someone else down with him, and squeezes his hands tight.]

Thanks. [quiet.] For telling me about yourself, Natsume.

[he gets why the other was so angry. how he had been sat back and saw so many people he loved fall, just accept here, even back home. subaru gets it, and he unlaces his hands to rest one next to natsume's, centimeters apart.]

My SCHOOL, ( he corrects him automatically. subaru threw that away. it isn't his to claim anymore. ) And not particularLY. The same thing happens in the entertainment business proper; Yumenosaki Academy was just a similar microCOSM.

But it was CRUEL.

( he won't deny it. the world is, in general. )

Anyway, I don't know what you're talking aBOUT. It was just a stoRY, Akehoshi-kun. No one ever said it was about anyONE.

Mm~, I don't believe you. But okay.

[he'll let him have that much.

he glances aside, then rests their pinkies together. though he suspects the other'll jump away like fire; subaru won't be bothered, because he's patient, he's befriended all kinds.]

What sorta idol was I? Did I get as big as my dad? My old man now, the one I remember, he's alive. [a phantom, really.] Tends a bar downtown, but he always liked singing. Him and Mom met when he was busking in the park nearby.

[the akehoshi family always sings.]

( natsume does curl his pinky away, as if he too is blood and can't, won't, stain subaru. )

You and the rest of Trickstar led your own revolution and became rather well-liked, YES.

( ... )

Your father was a super idol THOUGH. No one's been that since he PASSED, although Hokke-kun's father was more or less on the same stage as HIM. He's taken up being a teacher at a rival academy THOUGH.

... So the best of the best, huh? No wonder I was pretty satisfied -- I wouldn't be able to overtake him if I died.

[which he did. then, and now too -- the death is clear in his memories of this life, and he watches outside for spots of rain.

it isn't raining, but he wishes it was.]

You know, [he starts again, softer in volume, like it's something he hasn't told anyone (it isn't),] I never had a dream when I was alive. I went to a pretty normal school, I walked my dog in the morning and went to class when I felt like it, hung out with my friends on the roof or behind the gym... We were pretty content just to waste our days away, doing whatever we felt like, 'cause none of us knew what we wanted to do.

[not like the other subaru, who he finds himself so jealous of that his stomach churns. he turns his hand up onto two "legs" and steps them closer to natsume's.]

I dunno what I was gonna do after graduation. I hadn't filled out anything for a career, didn't have an idea for it, just... figure I'd drift, I guess.

[like the very same people he'd felt such resentment to in another life. common rabble, people who didn't have anything they wanted to do at all.]

I can't take his dream. [the other subaru's.] I don't want it. It's not who I am... anymore, I guess.

[...]

Do you hate me?

( just someone normal who lacks any drive, who just lives day by day like a mindless jellyfish. what a sorry state of affairs, but

does he hate him? )

I'd never let you take his dream anyWAY. You don't deserve IT.

( but does he hate him? )

And... I do hate YOU. ( he doesn't, but it's much easier to say he does and not look at subaru at all when he says it, as if he hasn't lamented to those close to him for days after, as if he doesn't still call him "baru-kun" when he isn't around to hear it, as if he doesn't still keep an eye on star 1 or on subaru in the halls, as if he wouldn't still leap to his defense.

natsume puts his hands in his lap, staring at the congealed blood of his gentle kin. ) But I mostly hate what you DID, and that you said you'd do it for me if I were in that posiTION. Did you think I'd be happy to hear THAT, Akehoshi-kun?

open / catchall | as i watched from a distance...

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