yogen | open / catchall | as i watched from a distance...

[this is the worst dreamscape actually.

it isn't the first time subaru's seen blood, he's been in his fair share of fights (as a normal boy should be, living a normal life and running with a normal if rough crowd) and here in yogen, too, he's seen it plenty. he doesn't think the dark red suits natsume, though, and he steps closer, blood on the floor parting as if not wanting to touch subaru at all.

he'll move closer until he stands next to natsume, wishing he had his rag and deciding to sit next to him. close as he can, blood slipping off the desk surface. his cheeks still feel warm, his voice still scratchy, but he wants to know.

even though it hurts, even if it sucks, subaru akehoshi has always wanted to know the truth.]

I didn't abandon you then too, did I?

( opposite. natsume shakes his head, and this close, subaru can see there are shallow cuts that slowly bleed too much for just shallow cuts on his cheeks, his throat. blood gathers in particularly by the left side of his chest, just under his heart. )

...Once upon a TIME, a young boy wished to connect with someone ELSE. He traveled many days and many NIGHTS, though numerous cities and counTRIES, meeting and connecting with many different kinds of peoPLE.

But in the END, he always LEFT. It wasn't safe--advisable--for him to become too close with anyONE. Their kind didn't need anyone ELSE, his mommy had told HIM. Everyone else needed THEM.

Still, the young boy was just that: a boy, and human on top of IT. Humanity desires what it cannot HAVE... And he desired companions he could share his woes WITH, his joys WITH, his frustrations and his PAIN. Yet he had no idea what to look for; he had had nothing but chance meetings and his dear mommy's words and his darling daddy's sixth sense for potenTIAL.

( natsume wipes his cheek and stares at the blood, then wipes it on the desk between them. the next part of the story... )

One DAY, while venturing on his own and out of his parents' REACH, he caught a STAR. The star was a painful, beautiful THING, and he knew like all the other stars he had met and caught in his hands that it would not suffer his company for LONG. He was careful with it regardLESS, and yet he lost it, TOO.

But this was a mistake of his own maKING. He had wandered into a dark forest inhabited by demons and had lost his WAY... He had thought he could handle it on his OWN, as any good boy of their kind COULD. It was loneLY, the jeers of those who hated or feared his kind echoing among the TREES--

This story has a happy endING, ( he says, with the steady dripping of blood as their background music, ) so don't make such a FACE. The boy was found by a group of particularly well-behaved demons and given shelTER.

Then you should get to that part a little quicker.

[because he knows the sort of face he's making, but that's all he says at first. he can put the pieces together, clumsily and then making more sense on it, sliding his fingers through the blood between them and watching it pull away from the threat of his touch.

...]

I don't think the star would've minded being in your orbit for longer. [just a hunch. just a feeling. a stirring in his heart, a yearning he can't place name to.] What's all the blood for if everything turned out okay?

The demons were slaughtered by a group of people who were well-intenTIONED, but bruTAL.

( eichi hadn't been wrong. something had needed to change. the five he had picked to be the scapegoats for his revolution... five, for the good of all. five, for the chance to talk to one. four, because one of them was protected. )

But let me pick up where I left OFF. The demons were... KIND. They showed the boy many wonderous THINGS, taught him many wonderous THINGS, allowed him to play under their watchful eyes and took advantage of the fact he was so innoCENT... He didn't see them as demons, after ALL. To him, they were KIN. Others who had wanted connections that would last but for whatever reason had NOT... Others referred to as prodigies or worshipped as GOD, held on pedestals that set them apart as outCASTS.

They were happy, for a TIME. Those who saw the group were jealous yet in awe of THEM, applauding their existence and convincing themselves they would never be able to achieve those HEIGHTS. They were happy--content--to indulge in their worldly pleasures inSTEAD. But...

( ... )

"Humans feel discomforted when they gaze upon something of pure beauTY, and they seek to sully it with their own HANDS. Plucking feathers from angels' wings until they plummet down to EARTH, throwing mud at the sun until they've completely eradicated its brilliANCE..."

( they're words he's spoken before, to the very boy he's sitting with now, but in a different context. the irony does not escape him. )

Those who loved and gazed upon the demons-turned-gods rallied against them as soon as it seemed the reason for their poor circumstances were solely due to those so-called geniusES. They championed a group of strategists who took up the mantle as slayers of deMONS, and one by ONE, the family the young boy had found for himself and loved with all his heart was decimaTED.

( the blood pulls away from the walls, the ceiling, pooling into four figures standing around them; one hung on a thin piece of wire, another with its chest carved out and its heart pinned against the floor, a third torn to pieces, and a fourth with its wings pierced through.

the fourth smiles. the other three do not. )

...They accepted this turn of eVENTS.

( despite their expressions, all of them did. )

They were granted humanity with their sacriFICE, a chance to form bonds that would LAST, and the young boy who had wandered into their care and who had been tempted by the compliments and comfort of deMONS...

( ... )

He could form those TOO, now that he had learned HOW. Now that he understood what they MEANT. The END.

[... ... ...

that was a lot, and despite its fairy tale nature he can see in natsume's expression what it means. because try as he might, he has never been able to control his face as well as he'd like, too emotional and too human. subaru laces his fingers together, resting them on his lap.]

You sure know how to tell a story, [he finally says.] I bet you'd even give Lena a run for her money.

[...]

Our school's pretty messed up, huh?

[their school. it isn't his any longer, he knows that -- the one he went to was standard and without that level of sacrifice, of social genocide. you had your bullies. you had your victims. you had those who would look away, and those who just looked on. you had the few who would reach out anyway, and suffer for it unless they showed they weren't someone to be messed with.

subaru thinks of busted lips and bruised knuckles, of how the ground tasted until he dragged someone else down with him, and squeezes his hands tight.]

Thanks. [quiet.] For telling me about yourself, Natsume.

[he gets why the other was so angry. how he had been sat back and saw so many people he loved fall, just accept here, even back home. subaru gets it, and he unlaces his hands to rest one next to natsume's, centimeters apart.]

My SCHOOL, ( he corrects him automatically. subaru threw that away. it isn't his to claim anymore. ) And not particularLY. The same thing happens in the entertainment business proper; Yumenosaki Academy was just a similar microCOSM.

But it was CRUEL.

( he won't deny it. the world is, in general. )

Anyway, I don't know what you're talking aBOUT. It was just a stoRY, Akehoshi-kun. No one ever said it was about anyONE.

Mm~, I don't believe you. But okay.

[he'll let him have that much.

he glances aside, then rests their pinkies together. though he suspects the other'll jump away like fire; subaru won't be bothered, because he's patient, he's befriended all kinds.]

What sorta idol was I? Did I get as big as my dad? My old man now, the one I remember, he's alive. [a phantom, really.] Tends a bar downtown, but he always liked singing. Him and Mom met when he was busking in the park nearby.

[the akehoshi family always sings.]

( natsume does curl his pinky away, as if he too is blood and can't, won't, stain subaru. )

You and the rest of Trickstar led your own revolution and became rather well-liked, YES.

( ... )

Your father was a super idol THOUGH. No one's been that since he PASSED, although Hokke-kun's father was more or less on the same stage as HIM. He's taken up being a teacher at a rival academy THOUGH.

... So the best of the best, huh? No wonder I was pretty satisfied -- I wouldn't be able to overtake him if I died.

[which he did. then, and now too -- the death is clear in his memories of this life, and he watches outside for spots of rain.

it isn't raining, but he wishes it was.]

You know, [he starts again, softer in volume, like it's something he hasn't told anyone (it isn't),] I never had a dream when I was alive. I went to a pretty normal school, I walked my dog in the morning and went to class when I felt like it, hung out with my friends on the roof or behind the gym... We were pretty content just to waste our days away, doing whatever we felt like, 'cause none of us knew what we wanted to do.

[not like the other subaru, who he finds himself so jealous of that his stomach churns. he turns his hand up onto two "legs" and steps them closer to natsume's.]

I dunno what I was gonna do after graduation. I hadn't filled out anything for a career, didn't have an idea for it, just... figure I'd drift, I guess.

[like the very same people he'd felt such resentment to in another life. common rabble, people who didn't have anything they wanted to do at all.]

I can't take his dream. [the other subaru's.] I don't want it. It's not who I am... anymore, I guess.

[...]

Do you hate me?

( just someone normal who lacks any drive, who just lives day by day like a mindless jellyfish. what a sorry state of affairs, but

does he hate him? )

I'd never let you take his dream anyWAY. You don't deserve IT.

( but does he hate him? )

And... I do hate YOU. ( he doesn't, but it's much easier to say he does and not look at subaru at all when he says it, as if he hasn't lamented to those close to him for days after, as if he doesn't still call him "baru-kun" when he isn't around to hear it, as if he doesn't still keep an eye on star 1 or on subaru in the halls, as if he wouldn't still leap to his defense.

natsume puts his hands in his lap, staring at the congealed blood of his gentle kin. ) But I mostly hate what you DID, and that you said you'd do it for me if I were in that posiTION. Did you think I'd be happy to hear THAT, Akehoshi-kun?

[of course he does.

he doesn't blame natsume for hating him. subaru was the one who killed his best friend, after all. who stood at the summit of the world and carved out his heart, tore apart his memories, what made those bonds so important.

...]

No. And... I knew that. That you wouldn't be happy with that, that you'd hate me if I really went through with it on your behalf like I did Keigo, but I...

[...

the words fall off there, because they're silly and selfish and a fear unfounded. subaru puts his hands in his lap and glances at natsume, staring at him instead.]

Anyway, they're totally gonna hate me. They oughta learn to hate anyway, probably, makes love all the sweeter and stuff.

[and whatever.]

...Hatred is only good when you use it to fuel someTHING. It's rotten otherWISE. Shu-niisan turned his anger and his hatred of what happened into kindling for his ART. Wataru-niisan, Kanata-niisan, and Rei-niisan didn't know how to HATE, or at least hold onto it or grudGES.

( and natsume

rotted. )

You're infuriatingly hard to stay mad AT. It's like I'm trying to be angry at a dog who didn't know any betTER, even though you did and you DO. ( but it's exhausting to be mad at subaru. to hate him. but he still is, every time he thinks about the summit.

maybe it's hurt disguised as all of that, though. "natsume-kun has a gentle heart," after all. ) But that's exactly why they'll still love you TOO. They'd hate you more if they knew you tried actually killing yourself to draw them BACK, a wish borne of desperate in a mirror-image of theirs for their family and their happiNESS.

[the scar burns on his chest and he presses a hand to it, chuckling sheepishly as he grips his shirt. yeah, it was dumb. yeah, he figured it wouldn't work. but it was worth a shot, and with natsume there... with someone he trusted so much... there was no way he wasn't gonna try, because trying is better than not doing something at all.

even if they would've hated themselves more for it, because they don't want anyone to get hurt on their behalf. it was their biggest rule to subaru, and doing what he did was just-- a mean, unfair loophole in the end.]

Yeah, yeah... I know. I'm on the same level as Rocchan and Akkichi, that's what they said.

[people they could never hate, only be mad at. but no matter how mad they got...

... they'd always love him. the mirroring might just break it, but that's why they'll never know. only natsume, subaru, and god does.]

Natsume, I don't mind if you're mad at me. I was pissed at you too, for your eyes. [though the reason as it why is sort of foggy, outside of that you shouldn't sacrifice parts of yourself for others-- oh, what a laugh, he's such a hypocrite] But Keigo told me that what's done is done, when I went to pretty much harass them about it, and all I could really do is... be there for you, in any way I could be.

[staying on his blind side so no one else would.

someone natsume could trust without a moment's hesitation to cover the places he could no longer see.

this subaru wonders if he's still allowed that.]

I'm still mad at you. I won't ever not be mad at you. Hell, I'll probably be mad at you in my next life too~. [no joke, it could last.] That's why you can hold it against me all you want, but... I miss being friends with you.

[it's selfish. he has no right to it. the bonds are different, the memories are different, this subaru is a mockery of the one natsume knew...

...

but in the end, isn't he still subaru akehoshi?]

( in the end, he is still subaru akehoshi. )

Keep missing IT, ( but there's no heat or real meaning behind the words. he's saying them just to say them. this is his memory, and he wants to get it over with, but...

... )

To YOU, were we only friends HERE, or were we friends in your ( falsified, perfect ) life as WELL? ...What was I?

... You weren't there.

[quiet, an apology.]

We were only friends here, but we became pretty fast ones. Like we were fated.

[because they were, in a way. god allows that much. it's a saving grace, maybe, that there's no pretense from memories that don't matter. subaru doesn't know how to feel, honestly; his current memories aren't real, but they're not fake either. he remembers them with vivid clarity. he can feel them. but they're not real, they're not Subaru Akehoshi, they're some phony's living in someone else's body.

like a parasite taking over its host.]

I think it's better that way, though. That means... you're the genuine you. It's not that you weren't important enough to notice or befriend or anything, you just didn't exist -- because I feel like if you did, I would've found you.

[...

like he had here, though he doesn't know it.]

( no, it's better that way, somehow. except then it's funny, because it feels like the first time they talked was for natsume to go "hey, i murdered people, and this place is fucked up".

...

he half-coughs, half-laughs, and he covers his mouth, staring away. it probably wasn't like that; there was probably something in that dreaming between, maybe, or in the years he forgot. something like that. his voice is a little normal when he speaks, though. )

Don't say such romantic THINGS. Your beau dead or NOT, I still consider you taKEN. And you're still not my TYPE. ( ... ) Akehoshi-kun, if you want to be friendly with ME, we'll have to learn about each other aGAIN. I don't care that you think you know ME, and that I know who you were—we don't know each other at ALL.

( well

they didn't know each other so well either before, but—natsume lowers his hand, ignores the bloody handprint it's left over his mouth; it doesn't even taste like blood anyway, even if it smells like it. somehow, this reminds him of... )

I'll decide if I want to be friends with you after THAT.

( he misses her, still. )

[he bites back a grin at the sound, at the admonishment of his incidental romantic gesture, and tugs his sleeve more over the heel of his hand as he wipes at the blood on natsume's face.]

Sounds like a certain girl I knew. [one he was fond of, too. but that's all he'll tease on it before he nods, feeling lighter than he has since losing everything.] Deal. I won't lose you again, Natsume, so let's be friends.

[it might have to be practice for his beau, after all.]

open / catchall | as i watched from a distance...

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