yogen | open / catchall | as i watched from a distance...

( the beginning plays just as it did before, but instead of stopping where it had it continues, natsume explaining why he skips class, subaru's muffled rebuttal, the explanation of why he's attending yumenosaki...

things subaru shouldn't be allowed to know anymore. things he's learning about natsume, again.

the memory says something that makes natsume's fingers twitch beside him, and he folds his arms behind his back. too straight, too rigid. )

You enrolled because you wanted to be an iDOL... ( he repeats the words softly, off-script. ) Like your faTHER.

( it's a jump in the conversation. it strips it bare, gives the memory pause and switches its expression back to guarded. careful. a muffled question, and natsume hesitates on his lines before he shakes his head. )

...No, I didn't call out to you because of your father or anyTHING. ( not exactly what he said. not exactly what he means. ) I'd like to be friends with YOU, Subaru Akehoshi-kun. That's ALL. I won't deny that knowing your father is part of IT, but not in the way you think—

( the memory crinkles at the edges, and the other subaru's eyebrows furrow before he cautiously replies with something. natsume's lips press together. )

Our parents knew one anoTHER. You could say I'm reaching out to you because I feel for you and your circumstanCES. ( this is all so wrong, wrong, wrong. ) If your father had had a comrade to call a friend on the battlefield we stand on as iDOLS, perhaps he wouldn't have had such a tragic END... I'd like to give you what he didn't HAVE.

( this memory is so

wrong, wrong, wrong. not the way it's supposed to go, skipping too many lines, too many heartbeats, and natsume can feel the other subaru watching them, the heat of his gaze almost too much to bear but if he has to repeat this charade one more time— )

[......

is this... real?

the puzzle shifts and it isn't his anymore, but he can put the pieces together. how kind natsume's always been. how it made subaru want to be the same. how much it hurt slowly coming into focus, and why natsume hadn't wanted him to bear witness to something that no longer belonged to him.

a movie titled "subaru akehoshi" lay before him, already twenty mins past the prologue of what happened to the man who was his father, the tragic end that turned him into a boy who wanted to please others so badly for a scrap of attention. for a friend to call his own. it runs almost similar to the movie he lives now, though he has the friends he sought and he never pleased anyone he didn't want to to have them.

but subaru akehoshi always craves to be seen.

it aches. it claws and bites and tears at him, until the frustration runs warm down his cheeks; he closes the door as quietly as he can, leaning head first against the wall to center himself, fist balled up in the heart of his shirt.

he doesn't realize he's left it ajar, and maybe natsume doesn't realize it either.]

( the heat leaves his back and it makes him want to turn and ask, are you happy, opening pandora's box?

it's petty. it's cruel. it's unavoidable when natsume sees the memory's gaze stray to the door and widen, and natsume turns, too. the silence bursts into the chattering song of students again, first too quiet then too loud, and

subaru will find himself with a rag, some cleaning solution, and desks to clean, tears still on his cheeks and frustration in his heart and in the sun on its way down just outside of the school, the last dregs of the day winding down in agonizing almost solitude. at least he isn't alone; natsume is by the window, staring out of it, contemplating his life choices. he turns slightly, watching subaru and his warm, wet cheeks, and smiles. pleasant. cordial.

"it doesn't really reach your eyes," he'd been told once, the implication of i want to make you smile for real, like guys our age should drifting somewhere in the nether their relationship has always rested in. )

Are you happy ( he asks, slow and deliberate, voice so tight as not to shake that it's thinner than the rope he's been walking for almost two, three months now, ) having opened Pandora's BOX, Akehoshi-kun?

Yes, [he chokes out, dragging the rag against the desk harshly. he grips it harder, letting out a shaky breath, before continuing--] Because now I've got an idea of why I was crying so hard after Jizo-sama took it away.

[but not before. not the days leading up to it. too busy steeling himself to mourn what he'd lose, trying to hold it together and thinking of how worth it would be, crying only once he couldn't take it back -- and in the same night, losing the person he did it for, too.

did it matter? was it worth it? did he regret it?

...

no, regrets are for mistakes. he doesn't regret his decision, because it wasn't a mistake, but that doesn't mean he isn't allowed to mourn the aftershocks.]

You were my first friend, [he says to the desk,] and you know, even as far back as I can remember in Yogen, that's true. The first person who reached out to me both times was you.

[in a different way. in reality, subaru had called out to natsume here, but he wouldn't have known the name known to seek him out -- and so it became the opposite, that natsume called out to him, a mirroring of their first encounter. it settles like a puzzle piece laid on top of another, showing a different scene.

subaru looks up at natsume, determined and teary and voice cracking in a way that the other's never been cursed enough to hear:]

I want to know more.

( ... )

"And as Pandora opened the box once more to show Epithemus that it was empty, a small light named Hope, too, escaped into the world."

( everyone always forgets that part. natsume drums his fingers on the windowsill, watching subaru, and then back out at the horizon. )

It isn't going to fix anyTHING, ( he says softly. ) Are you really sure you want THIS, Subaru Akehoshi-kun?

I can't fix what's broken, and I can't replace what was lost. But I wouldn't want to do that anyway, because the me you knew in those memories is important to you.

[important enough to spit venom at the person killing him, wanting to wound and hurt and bleed until the culprit ran dry and choked on their last breath.

subaru gets it. he does, because it's what he wants to do to amami, too. even if the keigo that he knew would always reside in his heart, in the memories he has, and each memory would just add something new to the old-- it's still different, or rather it isn't the same.]

My feelings haven't changed. You're my best friend, however it happened, and you're important to me. You're someone I love and wanna see smile, Natsume, who shines on and off stage -- none of that was a lie then and it isn't a lie now. So please, let me understand you... because the last time I didn't understand someone, he died.

[on bad terms getting worse, with little hope to reconcile. even though subaru tried to pry him open, tried to push until he gave, and fumbled each and every time.]

Please--I've lasted this LONG. I'm not going anywhere anytime SOON.

( which is true, too, for graduation. until the people he wants to see again are confirmed to be safe and well and able to move on just like him, the flower his soul will become will not wilt, will not wither, will not fall.

still.

subaru is how he's always been. natsume knew--he will always be cheer and careless sunshine, bright and warm and inspiring smiles in those he interacts with. natsume is ever an outlier when it comes to that, a maker of his own magic, but the power subaru's words hold even when he isn't anyone special isn't lost on him, either.

... )

In ten minUTES, the class representative Hokuto Hidaka-kun will come check in on things because he has to lock UP. You don't know him YET, but he'll become... ( natsume glances behind him, then at the clock that doesn't move but still ticks gently in the pauses between them. ) He did become someone very important to YOU. Hokuto Hidaka-kun, Makoto Yuuki-kun, and that abominable Mao Isara-kun all DID.

( he only resents mao because the only magician subaru needs to familiarize himself with is natsume, but that chance passed with the changing of the seasons, with praise and doting by his elders who felt he, a child, was on the same level as them... )

The two of us didn't spend that much time together, in TRUTH. You could argue it's due to me that you met those who would truly stand by your SIDE, since if I hadn't kept you so late with chatter you would not have talked with Hidaka-kun, and if I hadn't brought you to the Game Research Club you wouldn't have met Yuuki-kun eiTHER, and if I hadn't given up my spot in the Venus Cup then Isara-kun wouldn't have been the fourth member of your uNIT.

But I'd never lay claim to such coincidenCES, as auspicious as they might BE. ( meeting does not make friendships. subaru did that on his own. what did natsume do for him? ...) Anyway--

( the floor drops from beneath them. )

[subaru's eyes flick to the clock as natsume speaks, then back to the boy as he continues; the names are unfamiliar, pieces he hasn't laid out on the puzzleboard yet, and he's about to speak out against natsume's own contributions (what has he given subaru, anyway?) before the floor drops out beneath them.

it drops and his heart does too, right into his stomach, hands reaching out for natsume because he doesn't want to lose him again he doesn't want to lose anyone else he doesn't want to be alone he doesn't want to be alone he doesn't want to be alone he doesn't]

( he is not alone. the scene stutters back to the classroom, same as before, but there's blood on the walls and the floor and dripping from the ceiling. natsume sits on a desk in the middle of it, splattered, watching the clock.

the view outside is unchanged from before, but the calendar indicates it's a little closer to the end of the year, maybe. the dates are hard to read, scratched out by fingernails.

natsume looks at subaru, who is spotless no matter how many times blood drips on him, and crosses his legs. )

Would you like to hear why we didn't spend that much time togeTHER, Akehoshi-kun?

[this is the worst dreamscape actually.

it isn't the first time subaru's seen blood, he's been in his fair share of fights (as a normal boy should be, living a normal life and running with a normal if rough crowd) and here in yogen, too, he's seen it plenty. he doesn't think the dark red suits natsume, though, and he steps closer, blood on the floor parting as if not wanting to touch subaru at all.

he'll move closer until he stands next to natsume, wishing he had his rag and deciding to sit next to him. close as he can, blood slipping off the desk surface. his cheeks still feel warm, his voice still scratchy, but he wants to know.

even though it hurts, even if it sucks, subaru akehoshi has always wanted to know the truth.]

I didn't abandon you then too, did I?

( opposite. natsume shakes his head, and this close, subaru can see there are shallow cuts that slowly bleed too much for just shallow cuts on his cheeks, his throat. blood gathers in particularly by the left side of his chest, just under his heart. )

...Once upon a TIME, a young boy wished to connect with someone ELSE. He traveled many days and many NIGHTS, though numerous cities and counTRIES, meeting and connecting with many different kinds of peoPLE.

But in the END, he always LEFT. It wasn't safe--advisable--for him to become too close with anyONE. Their kind didn't need anyone ELSE, his mommy had told HIM. Everyone else needed THEM.

Still, the young boy was just that: a boy, and human on top of IT. Humanity desires what it cannot HAVE... And he desired companions he could share his woes WITH, his joys WITH, his frustrations and his PAIN. Yet he had no idea what to look for; he had had nothing but chance meetings and his dear mommy's words and his darling daddy's sixth sense for potenTIAL.

( natsume wipes his cheek and stares at the blood, then wipes it on the desk between them. the next part of the story... )

One DAY, while venturing on his own and out of his parents' REACH, he caught a STAR. The star was a painful, beautiful THING, and he knew like all the other stars he had met and caught in his hands that it would not suffer his company for LONG. He was careful with it regardLESS, and yet he lost it, TOO.

But this was a mistake of his own maKING. He had wandered into a dark forest inhabited by demons and had lost his WAY... He had thought he could handle it on his OWN, as any good boy of their kind COULD. It was loneLY, the jeers of those who hated or feared his kind echoing among the TREES--

This story has a happy endING, ( he says, with the steady dripping of blood as their background music, ) so don't make such a FACE. The boy was found by a group of particularly well-behaved demons and given shelTER.

Then you should get to that part a little quicker.

[because he knows the sort of face he's making, but that's all he says at first. he can put the pieces together, clumsily and then making more sense on it, sliding his fingers through the blood between them and watching it pull away from the threat of his touch.

...]

I don't think the star would've minded being in your orbit for longer. [just a hunch. just a feeling. a stirring in his heart, a yearning he can't place name to.] What's all the blood for if everything turned out okay?

The demons were slaughtered by a group of people who were well-intenTIONED, but bruTAL.

( eichi hadn't been wrong. something had needed to change. the five he had picked to be the scapegoats for his revolution... five, for the good of all. five, for the chance to talk to one. four, because one of them was protected. )

But let me pick up where I left OFF. The demons were... KIND. They showed the boy many wonderous THINGS, taught him many wonderous THINGS, allowed him to play under their watchful eyes and took advantage of the fact he was so innoCENT... He didn't see them as demons, after ALL. To him, they were KIN. Others who had wanted connections that would last but for whatever reason had NOT... Others referred to as prodigies or worshipped as GOD, held on pedestals that set them apart as outCASTS.

They were happy, for a TIME. Those who saw the group were jealous yet in awe of THEM, applauding their existence and convincing themselves they would never be able to achieve those HEIGHTS. They were happy--content--to indulge in their worldly pleasures inSTEAD. But...

( ... )

"Humans feel discomforted when they gaze upon something of pure beauTY, and they seek to sully it with their own HANDS. Plucking feathers from angels' wings until they plummet down to EARTH, throwing mud at the sun until they've completely eradicated its brilliANCE..."

( they're words he's spoken before, to the very boy he's sitting with now, but in a different context. the irony does not escape him. )

Those who loved and gazed upon the demons-turned-gods rallied against them as soon as it seemed the reason for their poor circumstances were solely due to those so-called geniusES. They championed a group of strategists who took up the mantle as slayers of deMONS, and one by ONE, the family the young boy had found for himself and loved with all his heart was decimaTED.

( the blood pulls away from the walls, the ceiling, pooling into four figures standing around them; one hung on a thin piece of wire, another with its chest carved out and its heart pinned against the floor, a third torn to pieces, and a fourth with its wings pierced through.

the fourth smiles. the other three do not. )

...They accepted this turn of eVENTS.

( despite their expressions, all of them did. )

They were granted humanity with their sacriFICE, a chance to form bonds that would LAST, and the young boy who had wandered into their care and who had been tempted by the compliments and comfort of deMONS...

( ... )

He could form those TOO, now that he had learned HOW. Now that he understood what they MEANT. The END.

[... ... ...

that was a lot, and despite its fairy tale nature he can see in natsume's expression what it means. because try as he might, he has never been able to control his face as well as he'd like, too emotional and too human. subaru laces his fingers together, resting them on his lap.]

You sure know how to tell a story, [he finally says.] I bet you'd even give Lena a run for her money.

[...]

Our school's pretty messed up, huh?

[their school. it isn't his any longer, he knows that -- the one he went to was standard and without that level of sacrifice, of social genocide. you had your bullies. you had your victims. you had those who would look away, and those who just looked on. you had the few who would reach out anyway, and suffer for it unless they showed they weren't someone to be messed with.

subaru thinks of busted lips and bruised knuckles, of how the ground tasted until he dragged someone else down with him, and squeezes his hands tight.]

Thanks. [quiet.] For telling me about yourself, Natsume.

[he gets why the other was so angry. how he had been sat back and saw so many people he loved fall, just accept here, even back home. subaru gets it, and he unlaces his hands to rest one next to natsume's, centimeters apart.]

My SCHOOL, ( he corrects him automatically. subaru threw that away. it isn't his to claim anymore. ) And not particularLY. The same thing happens in the entertainment business proper; Yumenosaki Academy was just a similar microCOSM.

But it was CRUEL.

( he won't deny it. the world is, in general. )

Anyway, I don't know what you're talking aBOUT. It was just a stoRY, Akehoshi-kun. No one ever said it was about anyONE.

Mm~, I don't believe you. But okay.

[he'll let him have that much.

he glances aside, then rests their pinkies together. though he suspects the other'll jump away like fire; subaru won't be bothered, because he's patient, he's befriended all kinds.]

What sorta idol was I? Did I get as big as my dad? My old man now, the one I remember, he's alive. [a phantom, really.] Tends a bar downtown, but he always liked singing. Him and Mom met when he was busking in the park nearby.

[the akehoshi family always sings.]

( natsume does curl his pinky away, as if he too is blood and can't, won't, stain subaru. )

You and the rest of Trickstar led your own revolution and became rather well-liked, YES.

( ... )

Your father was a super idol THOUGH. No one's been that since he PASSED, although Hokke-kun's father was more or less on the same stage as HIM. He's taken up being a teacher at a rival academy THOUGH.

... So the best of the best, huh? No wonder I was pretty satisfied -- I wouldn't be able to overtake him if I died.

[which he did. then, and now too -- the death is clear in his memories of this life, and he watches outside for spots of rain.

it isn't raining, but he wishes it was.]

You know, [he starts again, softer in volume, like it's something he hasn't told anyone (it isn't),] I never had a dream when I was alive. I went to a pretty normal school, I walked my dog in the morning and went to class when I felt like it, hung out with my friends on the roof or behind the gym... We were pretty content just to waste our days away, doing whatever we felt like, 'cause none of us knew what we wanted to do.

[not like the other subaru, who he finds himself so jealous of that his stomach churns. he turns his hand up onto two "legs" and steps them closer to natsume's.]

I dunno what I was gonna do after graduation. I hadn't filled out anything for a career, didn't have an idea for it, just... figure I'd drift, I guess.

[like the very same people he'd felt such resentment to in another life. common rabble, people who didn't have anything they wanted to do at all.]

I can't take his dream. [the other subaru's.] I don't want it. It's not who I am... anymore, I guess.

[...]

Do you hate me?

( just someone normal who lacks any drive, who just lives day by day like a mindless jellyfish. what a sorry state of affairs, but

does he hate him? )

I'd never let you take his dream anyWAY. You don't deserve IT.

( but does he hate him? )

And... I do hate YOU. ( he doesn't, but it's much easier to say he does and not look at subaru at all when he says it, as if he hasn't lamented to those close to him for days after, as if he doesn't still call him "baru-kun" when he isn't around to hear it, as if he doesn't still keep an eye on star 1 or on subaru in the halls, as if he wouldn't still leap to his defense.

natsume puts his hands in his lap, staring at the congealed blood of his gentle kin. ) But I mostly hate what you DID, and that you said you'd do it for me if I were in that posiTION. Did you think I'd be happy to hear THAT, Akehoshi-kun?

[of course he does.

he doesn't blame natsume for hating him. subaru was the one who killed his best friend, after all. who stood at the summit of the world and carved out his heart, tore apart his memories, what made those bonds so important.

...]

No. And... I knew that. That you wouldn't be happy with that, that you'd hate me if I really went through with it on your behalf like I did Keigo, but I...

[...

the words fall off there, because they're silly and selfish and a fear unfounded. subaru puts his hands in his lap and glances at natsume, staring at him instead.]

Anyway, they're totally gonna hate me. They oughta learn to hate anyway, probably, makes love all the sweeter and stuff.

[and whatever.]

...Hatred is only good when you use it to fuel someTHING. It's rotten otherWISE. Shu-niisan turned his anger and his hatred of what happened into kindling for his ART. Wataru-niisan, Kanata-niisan, and Rei-niisan didn't know how to HATE, or at least hold onto it or grudGES.

( and natsume

rotted. )

You're infuriatingly hard to stay mad AT. It's like I'm trying to be angry at a dog who didn't know any betTER, even though you did and you DO. ( but it's exhausting to be mad at subaru. to hate him. but he still is, every time he thinks about the summit.

maybe it's hurt disguised as all of that, though. "natsume-kun has a gentle heart," after all. ) But that's exactly why they'll still love you TOO. They'd hate you more if they knew you tried actually killing yourself to draw them BACK, a wish borne of desperate in a mirror-image of theirs for their family and their happiNESS.

[the scar burns on his chest and he presses a hand to it, chuckling sheepishly as he grips his shirt. yeah, it was dumb. yeah, he figured it wouldn't work. but it was worth a shot, and with natsume there... with someone he trusted so much... there was no way he wasn't gonna try, because trying is better than not doing something at all.

even if they would've hated themselves more for it, because they don't want anyone to get hurt on their behalf. it was their biggest rule to subaru, and doing what he did was just-- a mean, unfair loophole in the end.]

Yeah, yeah... I know. I'm on the same level as Rocchan and Akkichi, that's what they said.

[people they could never hate, only be mad at. but no matter how mad they got...

... they'd always love him. the mirroring might just break it, but that's why they'll never know. only natsume, subaru, and god does.]

Natsume, I don't mind if you're mad at me. I was pissed at you too, for your eyes. [though the reason as it why is sort of foggy, outside of that you shouldn't sacrifice parts of yourself for others-- oh, what a laugh, he's such a hypocrite] But Keigo told me that what's done is done, when I went to pretty much harass them about it, and all I could really do is... be there for you, in any way I could be.

[staying on his blind side so no one else would.

someone natsume could trust without a moment's hesitation to cover the places he could no longer see.

this subaru wonders if he's still allowed that.]

I'm still mad at you. I won't ever not be mad at you. Hell, I'll probably be mad at you in my next life too~. [no joke, it could last.] That's why you can hold it against me all you want, but... I miss being friends with you.

[it's selfish. he has no right to it. the bonds are different, the memories are different, this subaru is a mockery of the one natsume knew...

...

but in the end, isn't he still subaru akehoshi?]

( in the end, he is still subaru akehoshi. )

Keep missing IT, ( but there's no heat or real meaning behind the words. he's saying them just to say them. this is his memory, and he wants to get it over with, but...

... )

To YOU, were we only friends HERE, or were we friends in your ( falsified, perfect ) life as WELL? ...What was I?

... You weren't there.

[quiet, an apology.]

We were only friends here, but we became pretty fast ones. Like we were fated.

[because they were, in a way. god allows that much. it's a saving grace, maybe, that there's no pretense from memories that don't matter. subaru doesn't know how to feel, honestly; his current memories aren't real, but they're not fake either. he remembers them with vivid clarity. he can feel them. but they're not real, they're not Subaru Akehoshi, they're some phony's living in someone else's body.

like a parasite taking over its host.]

I think it's better that way, though. That means... you're the genuine you. It's not that you weren't important enough to notice or befriend or anything, you just didn't exist -- because I feel like if you did, I would've found you.

[...

like he had here, though he doesn't know it.]

( no, it's better that way, somehow. except then it's funny, because it feels like the first time they talked was for natsume to go "hey, i murdered people, and this place is fucked up".

...

he half-coughs, half-laughs, and he covers his mouth, staring away. it probably wasn't like that; there was probably something in that dreaming between, maybe, or in the years he forgot. something like that. his voice is a little normal when he speaks, though. )

Don't say such romantic THINGS. Your beau dead or NOT, I still consider you taKEN. And you're still not my TYPE. ( ... ) Akehoshi-kun, if you want to be friendly with ME, we'll have to learn about each other aGAIN. I don't care that you think you know ME, and that I know who you were—we don't know each other at ALL.

( well

they didn't know each other so well either before, but—natsume lowers his hand, ignores the bloody handprint it's left over his mouth; it doesn't even taste like blood anyway, even if it smells like it. somehow, this reminds him of... )

I'll decide if I want to be friends with you after THAT.

( he misses her, still. )

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starrypoint - 2022-03-07 15:29 (UTC) - Expand