[she nods, and takes a breath. no one is coming in, and she had asked for privacy for a while, even from the doctor. this reunion had to be done alone, and to voice this story...she has to be brave.]
You know I go to see the shrine often, and I was on my way back, following the path. Not past the stones, yet, the world hadn't shifted back. And I heard something I've heard a time before - it was the sound of a bear. It must have been monstrous, from the tone, from the size I could guess it had. Maybe I somehow offended it, maybe I somehow was crossing its territory, but...Natsume, you know how we had to run from one before, and that was in the daylight.
[that stepping out of time, what had pursued them. what had chased people down, in the past. a monster to haunt dreams with. certainly, a monster had hunted her down.]
I tried to disorient it, escape that way, but it didn't want to give up. I even tried to fight back with a knife, hoping a wound might startle it enough, and yet...I'm not a match, for a beast like that.
[the same knife they found. she remembers how it felt, to sink the blade into an eye, and the sounds of pain. thrown to the earth, when all was said and done.]
It must have believed I was dead, to be left. And then to be found...that part, I remember less well, though it's supposed to grow clearer with time. [trauma and the mind, supposedly.] What I do recall is thinking that I had to come back. "I can't die here." Thinking I'd have to drag myself home, that I wanted to see you.
[turning her head a little more into Subaru, the familiar warmth and scent is comforting. grounding. she's right here, with them. she hates having to tell them this - to be this pathetic in their eyes. please, she thinks, don't hate me for it. now here she is, knowing that at least for a while, she'll be even weaker, understanding what she'll have to do in order to be up for walking again, and having to carry this guilt.
whatever they can tell her about being foolish, about being stupid, about things being unforgiveable, her posture says she's already said it to herself. time had been hard to track, on the heavier medications, but she knows she spent half the time wanting to fight herself over it.]
( there Are bears in that forest. he and a certain he-who-will-not-be-named dove straight into the den of one, seeking shelter from wolves intent on devouring their life force. natsume remembers the heat of fire to drive such monsters away, even as he traversed the woods with one himself, and closes his eyes. )
...We went looking for you when you didn't return in the morNING. We found your KNIFE, and we found that something had happENED, but we didn't find YOU. ( his voice trembles just the smallest bit. only she'd be able to hear it. ) We were so worried about YOU, Little Bat—I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't shown up aLIVE.
( dropped into another angry, depressive stupor, probably. )
You're an idiot, [he tacks onto natsume's words.] But I'm glad you're alive, too.
[how they've both lost such important people, the wounds scabbed over and yet picked at from time to time, the rawness stinging with every press of their nail against reddened skin-- even now, even now, subaru digs his fingers into the one against his chest, tearing at it, thinking how stupid he was to not try harder, to maybe ask god for something just as selfish as before, to give anything just to make sure helena returned safe into their arms.
even if she had, in the end. the time between then and now felt suspended, felt uneasy and tense. how subaru always looked at the forest, feet wanting to follow the path again and resisting, resisting, because he hadn't wanted to cause natsume any more pain. he'd done enough, after all, without risking his life a second time.]
Lena... Helena... [he can't help it, his voice cracks and he buries in more, it's just like the evening of that terrible day but this time, natsume bears witness too.] I'm-- I'm so, so happy you're okay. I wouldn't forgive myself if something happened to you, too.
[the words are soft, a little strained, and she holds onto both of them tighter. if she had just ran instead of stopping, if she hadn't had gone out at all, if she'd had her PDA - if, if, if, echoing in her mind. and then floating through dreams that felt liquid, moments in time she couldn't place, fighting back to the surface. she just wants to be okay - wants to be bundled up and kept close, to go back to the dorms and stay in their room until she can walk again, comforted by familiar touches and sounds and smells.
she can't, not until she's discharged, but right now she doesn't want to be strong, to be a pillar to rely on, to hold other people up. she wants to be herself, and to be allowed to cling to the people she loves, anchors to stop her from floating away again. apologize over and over for the pain she's caused them. the pain she will cause them. right now, she only wants them to know that she never intended any of this to happen.]
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no subject
You know I go to see the shrine often, and I was on my way back, following the path. Not past the stones, yet, the world hadn't shifted back. And I heard something I've heard a time before - it was the sound of a bear. It must have been monstrous, from the tone, from the size I could guess it had. Maybe I somehow offended it, maybe I somehow was crossing its territory, but...Natsume, you know how we had to run from one before, and that was in the daylight.
[that stepping out of time, what had pursued them. what had chased people down, in the past. a monster to haunt dreams with. certainly, a monster had hunted her down.]
I tried to disorient it, escape that way, but it didn't want to give up. I even tried to fight back with a knife, hoping a wound might startle it enough, and yet...I'm not a match, for a beast like that.
[the same knife they found. she remembers how it felt, to sink the blade into an eye, and the sounds of pain. thrown to the earth, when all was said and done.]
It must have believed I was dead, to be left. And then to be found...that part, I remember less well, though it's supposed to grow clearer with time. [trauma and the mind, supposedly.] What I do recall is thinking that I had to come back. "I can't die here." Thinking I'd have to drag myself home, that I wanted to see you.
[turning her head a little more into Subaru, the familiar warmth and scent is comforting. grounding. she's right here, with them. she hates having to tell them this - to be this pathetic in their eyes. please, she thinks, don't hate me for it. now here she is, knowing that at least for a while, she'll be even weaker, understanding what she'll have to do in order to be up for walking again, and having to carry this guilt.
whatever they can tell her about being foolish, about being stupid, about things being unforgiveable, her posture says she's already said it to herself. time had been hard to track, on the heavier medications, but she knows she spent half the time wanting to fight herself over it.]
no subject
...We went looking for you when you didn't return in the morNING. We found your KNIFE, and we found that something had happENED, but we didn't find YOU. ( his voice trembles just the smallest bit. only she'd be able to hear it. ) We were so worried about YOU, Little Bat—I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't shown up aLIVE.
( dropped into another angry, depressive stupor, probably. )
no subject
[how they've both lost such important people, the wounds scabbed over and yet picked at from time to time, the rawness stinging with every press of their nail against reddened skin-- even now, even now, subaru digs his fingers into the one against his chest, tearing at it, thinking how stupid he was to not try harder, to maybe ask god for something just as selfish as before, to give anything just to make sure helena returned safe into their arms.
even if she had, in the end. the time between then and now felt suspended, felt uneasy and tense. how subaru always looked at the forest, feet wanting to follow the path again and resisting, resisting, because he hadn't wanted to cause natsume any more pain. he'd done enough, after all, without risking his life a second time.]
Lena... Helena... [he can't help it, his voice cracks and he buries in more, it's just like the evening of that terrible day but this time, natsume bears witness too.] I'm-- I'm so, so happy you're okay. I wouldn't forgive myself if something happened to you, too.
no subject
[the words are soft, a little strained, and she holds onto both of them tighter. if she had just ran instead of stopping, if she hadn't had gone out at all, if she'd had her PDA - if, if, if, echoing in her mind. and then floating through dreams that felt liquid, moments in time she couldn't place, fighting back to the surface. she just wants to be okay - wants to be bundled up and kept close, to go back to the dorms and stay in their room until she can walk again, comforted by familiar touches and sounds and smells.
she can't, not until she's discharged, but right now she doesn't want to be strong, to be a pillar to rely on, to hold other people up. she wants to be herself, and to be allowed to cling to the people she loves, anchors to stop her from floating away again. apologize over and over for the pain she's caused them. the pain she will cause them. right now, she only wants them to know that she never intended any of this to happen.]
It'll never, never happen again.