Oh, yeah. More or less. It's bits and pieces, but it's been coming back.
( he's been working through them, one at a time, skipping classes and spending time in the nurse's office on a project far more important to himself. of course it's a work in progress, but at this point, anything would perhaps be better than nothing at all. particularly when, the way she frames it, it doesn't sound as if it's been ill-will that's had her avoiding him; not that he would understand the reason why, if not that.
the smile on his face looks a bit sheepish in any case, apologetic almost, but his shoulders fall into something less tense all the same. )
You'll have to forgive me if I forget some of the details though. Still a work in progress, y'know?
[ah. he remembers, and now she feels like the biggest fool in the world for being worried that he wouldn't. it's a relief, after what's been happening, and some of the tension in her shoulders bleeds away.
this could have been so much simpler, if she hadn't been overthinking it. if she hadn't been so upset, lost in the maze of her own emotions. it could have been sooner. that'll have to be an embarrassment she handles on her own time.]
That's all right. It's just...
[breathe. just breathe.]
I'm just so glad that you're back at all.
[and there's the warmth again. the one that's been curiously absent in them circling each other like stray cats.]
( amami's simple mind that is struggling with the mixed signals of avoidance and gladness at his return, but also, who is he to complain if she says that she is glad for it? an awkward laugh bubbles up in his throat, and absently, he rubs at the side of his neck. )
Ha, right. Sorry to have worried you there, but it was something I needed to do. I'm sure you understand, right?
( that it had to do with kamo-kun. that it was important. that it was something he just couldn't afford to leave in chance's hands... )
( "something greater than what we could perceive," she says, and a pang of guilt reverberates through his chest. )
Ah...
( it makes him sound... rather heroic, doesn't it? some greater cause. something that the others couldn't understand — because his own eyes were set on something so much higher. it would be almost romantic, he thinks, if this were the case. unfortunately, romanticism has never suited amami; the reality of the matter is so much more selfish than that.
... )
Sorry.
( it's hard to know what to say, in a situation like this. )
You don't have to apologize if you don't want to, Rantarou.
[here's where someone might reach out to reassuringly touch him, but she can't. for one, she can't see him, and for another, she doesn't know if he'd want it. even though it might be nice, to do so and remind herself that he's alive now.]
But you know? No one ever knows if you'll come back, if you do that.
[please don't do it again. and maybe some of the pain she feels shows, with people being lost, over and over and over -]
( awkward? the kind of discomfort that comes when guilt is gnawing at the corner of your mind, making it difficult to put into words. and it's something that matters little and less as she continues on, and all amami can think, is: )
You really have that little faith in me, huh...
( is that the impression he gave off before — not only that he wouldn't apologize for such a thing, but that he would do so without a thought for the consequences? that he wouldn't have had something in mind? that he would have given up on his life like that? the grin across his features falls slightly, and it's hard to tell if the huff of breath that he gives is a laugh or a sigh. )
Ha, not that I blame you, but... ( and he pauses here, sounding tentative. ) What did you think was going to happen, Helena?
[he'll be able to see how those words make her retreat emotionally, the little shifting that's telltale of someone scolding themselves over what they just said. that wound that had been left in her, left to bleed, hasn't yet healed. she's a terrible person. she's a liar, she takes joy in suffering-
but it's not so much that she runs away. just a moment of self-abasement, and she takes a breath before she replies.]
Honestly, I didn't know. I hoped, I prayed you would come back as soon as you could and that an explanation would come to light, but then more and more things happened, and it...people keep leaving and-
[she cuts herself off.]
Sorry. Sorry. I've been rather mixed up lately. None of it is your fault.
I don't doubt that. Of course you would hope that I would, but...
( it's not about whether she hoped he would, it's about whether she believed it. the idea that he could come off as the kind of person who would sacrifice keigo without so much as a backup plan to make sure they were safe... )
I wouldn't gamble with Kamo-kun's life. I wish I could've explained it to you before, but knowing what Akehoshi-kun was going to try and pull, I couldn't risk it.
He did that the day you died. I was there when he made that bargain.
[and maybe that will explain to him why it was harder to truly just believe. witnessing one friend give his past away, and coming back that evening to find them both dead. her grip tightens a little on the papers, as if they keep her stable.]
...I wouldn't have stopped you, if you had told me.
and she let subaru go through with that, no less... )
Sorry.
( because there's nothing that can be done about it now, pocketing his hands and looking off to the side as he is. there was simply no way for him to know that, considering the response he was expecting to the news of how well his first attempt went over. what's done is done, and didn't it work out, aside from subaru's going rogue? )
I'm back though. I wouldn't gamble with their life, and I didn't with mine either. I made a deal, and the other side held up their end of the bargain, so you don't have to worry anymore, Helena.
You say that, but you have to know I'll worry anyway.
[because that's how she is. she worries over the ones she loves. it's all she can do, sometimes. stand there and feel, and try to be a support. it's all she's good for, some days.]
( because that's what it all comes down to. seeing as she'd let subaru go through with his plan though, amami doesn't doubt that fact — continues on without waiting for any confirmation. )
But see, I did some asking around, and a contract can't be filled if one party isn't there to be held to it. I happened to hear from Komaeda-kun about a deal we could cut with Mizuki too — that if Kamo-kun died, they would be able to come back to the school as a student.
( a two-for-one deal — they stay in the cycle, they stay with the people they care about. )
So I went to Mizuki myself to make sure that both of those things were true. And, well, the idea was to go through with it before Akehoshi-kun went through with his, but you know how well that turned out.
[the word leaves her unconsciously, but she holds the papers tighter. shaking her head, she tries to take a breath, but-]
You both...both of you were so stupid. You could have worked together, either of you could have said something, and you didn't until it was too late, even if there was a plan, keeping all these secrets, maybe I could have helped you somehow instead of you taking it on alone...
[it's not a big explosion. a tiny one, but Amami will see the way it affects her. the relief in one's body, finally speaking their mind after so long biting her tongue. the breathing, trying to calm herself when she catches the edge.
the fear that surges in, that saying something has simply ruined it all now, after it might have been, and that she's really lost him now. she should have stayed quiet.]
( he disagrees, but it's true — he can see it. the way the tension leaves her body, the relief of speaking her mind, and helena did seem quite the emotional type so far as amami could remember. moreso than him, who's trained himself into suppressing such things, if only so that he can keep moving forward towards the one goal he has.
he's hardly going to admit that he was wrong for finally, finally meeting something that resembles that now-unreachable goal of his. )
Anyway, that's how it was. Kamo-kun was never in any danger, and I'm back now, aren't I? The fact is, as long as we're still in the cycle, we'll be okay.
...please don't do something like that without saying something, next time.
[that's all she can really ask, in the end. she can't demand anything of him, she's not that precious to him that she can require anything from him. but even if she can't do anything, she can remember.]
You're back, and I don't want to think that maybe I've lost you again.
I'll try not to — it's not exactly a situation I want to repeat, y'know.
( but it seems like that's the extent of the scolding he's going to get, so his shoulders fall slack, relaxing slightly again. )
And anyway, you wouldn't lose me in a place like this. It's in pretty bad shape now, but the only one here who was ever in any real danger was Kamo-kun.
I mean, it's an afterlife, right? ( he says it as if the answer is clear as day. )
I don't think the idea of a place like this is so bad — somewhere to be until you're ready to move on, or to figure things out before you go back — but the execution leaves something to be desired. It was better before the fire though.
( that's the part that catches him first, considering his own ongoing issues with memory. )
Well we do come back over and over again, we've figured that out. We know people will come and go in terms of "opening their eyes," too. You don't think there's a chance they could be worth taking a second look at?
( just some food for thought before he shrugs, fabric rustling as he brings up a hand to fidget with. )
( you literally hit on one of his big Themes leave him alone... )
Oh, you don't know?
( he thought this was common knowledge, and sounds sincere in being surprised by her asking. )
Originally, it was a grade school... more like a daycare, really. It wasn't quite so violent, but things got worse as time went on. Kazuki-san's binding fell through, and then after the fire, the school rules became a lot more cutthroat. The details don't matter so much, but hasn't always been like this, is the point.
( which, he's not too confident in it, but he has to give it a try — for kamo-kun's sake if nothing else. )
I've been putting something together with Ishimaru-kun lately, and we're going to go talk to Kazuki-san about it. I figure that one way we could start working on it is by helping out with the tree.
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( he's been working through them, one at a time, skipping classes and spending time in the nurse's office on a project far more important to himself. of course it's a work in progress, but at this point, anything would perhaps be better than nothing at all. particularly when, the way she frames it, it doesn't sound as if it's been ill-will that's had her avoiding him; not that he would understand the reason why, if not that.
the smile on his face looks a bit sheepish in any case, apologetic almost, but his shoulders fall into something less tense all the same. )
You'll have to forgive me if I forget some of the details though. Still a work in progress, y'know?
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this could have been so much simpler, if she hadn't been overthinking it. if she hadn't been so upset, lost in the maze of her own emotions. it could have been sooner. that'll have to be an embarrassment she handles on her own time.]
That's all right. It's just...
[breathe. just breathe.]
I'm just so glad that you're back at all.
[and there's the warmth again. the one that's been curiously absent in them circling each other like stray cats.]
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Ha, right. Sorry to have worried you there, but it was something I needed to do. I'm sure you understand, right?
( that it had to do with kamo-kun. that it was important. that it was something he just couldn't afford to leave in chance's hands... )
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[she shuffles back with the papers, closing the cabinet, but staying there.]
It was still hard, though. I was the one who found you.
[maybe that will give him some more insight as to why she's been so tangled up about it.]
my neck took me out
Ah...
( it makes him sound... rather heroic, doesn't it? some greater cause. something that the others couldn't understand — because his own eyes were set on something so much higher. it would be almost romantic, he thinks, if this were the case. unfortunately, romanticism has never suited amami; the reality of the matter is so much more selfish than that.
... )
Sorry.
( it's hard to know what to say, in a situation like this. )
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[here's where someone might reach out to reassuringly touch him, but she can't. for one, she can't see him, and for another, she doesn't know if he'd want it. even though it might be nice, to do so and remind herself that he's alive now.]
But you know? No one ever knows if you'll come back, if you do that.
[please don't do it again. and maybe some of the pain she feels shows, with people being lost, over and over and over -]
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( awkward? the kind of discomfort that comes when guilt is gnawing at the corner of your mind, making it difficult to put into words. and it's something that matters little and less as she continues on, and all amami can think, is: )
You really have that little faith in me, huh...
( is that the impression he gave off before — not only that he wouldn't apologize for such a thing, but that he would do so without a thought for the consequences? that he wouldn't have had something in mind? that he would have given up on his life like that? the grin across his features falls slightly, and it's hard to tell if the huff of breath that he gives is a laugh or a sigh. )
Ha, not that I blame you, but... ( and he pauses here, sounding tentative. ) What did you think was going to happen, Helena?
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she's a terrible person. she's a liar, she takes joy in suffering-but it's not so much that she runs away. just a moment of self-abasement, and she takes a breath before she replies.]
Honestly, I didn't know. I hoped, I prayed you would come back as soon as you could and that an explanation would come to light, but then more and more things happened, and it...people keep leaving and-
[she cuts herself off.]
Sorry. Sorry. I've been rather mixed up lately. None of it is your fault.
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( it's not about whether she hoped he would, it's about whether she believed it. the idea that he could come off as the kind of person who would sacrifice keigo without so much as a backup plan to make sure they were safe... )
I wouldn't gamble with Kamo-kun's life. I wish I could've explained it to you before, but knowing what Akehoshi-kun was going to try and pull, I couldn't risk it.
( a long, heavy sigh. )
Not that it helped much in the end anyway.
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[and maybe that will explain to him why it was harder to truly just believe. witnessing one friend give his past away, and coming back that evening to find them both dead. her grip tightens a little on the papers, as if they keep her stable.]
...I wouldn't have stopped you, if you had told me.
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and she let subaru go through with that, no less... )
Sorry.
( because there's nothing that can be done about it now, pocketing his hands and looking off to the side as he is. there was simply no way for him to know that, considering the response he was expecting to the news of how well his first attempt went over. what's done is done, and didn't it work out, aside from subaru's going rogue? )
I'm back though. I wouldn't gamble with their life, and I didn't with mine either. I made a deal, and the other side held up their end of the bargain, so you don't have to worry anymore, Helena.
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[because that's how she is. she worries over the ones she loves. it's all she can do, sometimes. stand there and feel, and try to be a support. it's all she's good for, some days.]
Will you tell me what the deal was?
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( because that's what it all comes down to. seeing as she'd let subaru go through with his plan though, amami doesn't doubt that fact — continues on without waiting for any confirmation. )
But see, I did some asking around, and a contract can't be filled if one party isn't there to be held to it. I happened to hear from Komaeda-kun about a deal we could cut with Mizuki too — that if Kamo-kun died, they would be able to come back to the school as a student.
( a two-for-one deal — they stay in the cycle, they stay with the people they care about. )
So I went to Mizuki myself to make sure that both of those things were true. And, well, the idea was to go through with it before Akehoshi-kun went through with his, but you know how well that turned out.
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[the word leaves her unconsciously, but she holds the papers tighter. shaking her head, she tries to take a breath, but-]
You both...both of you were so stupid. You could have worked together, either of you could have said something, and you didn't until it was too late, even if there was a plan, keeping all these secrets, maybe I could have helped you somehow instead of you taking it on alone...
[it's not a big explosion. a tiny one, but Amami will see the way it affects her. the relief in one's body, finally speaking their mind after so long biting her tongue. the breathing, trying to calm herself when she catches the edge.
the fear that surges in, that saying something has simply ruined it all now, after it might have been, and that she's really lost him now. she should have stayed quiet.]
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( he disagrees, but it's true — he can see it. the way the tension leaves her body, the relief of speaking her mind, and helena did seem quite the emotional type so far as amami could remember. moreso than him, who's trained himself into suppressing such things, if only so that he can keep moving forward towards the one goal he has.
he's hardly going to admit that he was wrong for finally, finally meeting something that resembles that now-unreachable goal of his. )
Anyway, that's how it was. Kamo-kun was never in any danger, and I'm back now, aren't I? The fact is, as long as we're still in the cycle, we'll be okay.
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[that's all she can really ask, in the end. she can't demand anything of him, she's not that precious to him that she can require anything from him. but even if she can't do anything, she can remember.]
You're back, and I don't want to think that maybe I've lost you again.
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( but it seems like that's the extent of the scolding he's going to get, so his shoulders fall slack, relaxing slightly again. )
And anyway, you wouldn't lose me in a place like this. It's in pretty bad shape now, but the only one here who was ever in any real danger was Kamo-kun.
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[how are they not in real danger?]
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I don't think the idea of a place like this is so bad — somewhere to be until you're ready to move on, or to figure things out before you go back — but the execution leaves something to be desired. It was better before the fire though.
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[that's an era of the school that escapes her entirely.]
All I know, even in those false memories, is now.
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( that's the part that catches him first, considering his own ongoing issues with memory. )
Well we do come back over and over again, we've figured that out. We know people will come and go in terms of "opening their eyes," too. You don't think there's a chance they could be worth taking a second look at?
( just some food for thought before he shrugs, fabric rustling as he brings up a hand to fidget with. )
But yeah, it wasn't as bad here before the fire.
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[focus, Amami. focus.]
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Oh, you don't know?
( he thought this was common knowledge, and sounds sincere in being surprised by her asking. )
Originally, it was a grade school... more like a daycare, really. It wasn't quite so violent, but things got worse as time went on. Kazuki-san's binding fell through, and then after the fire, the school rules became a lot more cutthroat. The details don't matter so much, but hasn't always been like this, is the point.
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It's like one of those stories...where a land gets tainted somehow, cursed, and things go wrong. Is it fixable? Or are we resigned to it?
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( which, he's not too confident in it, but he has to give it a try — for kamo-kun's sake if nothing else. )
I've been putting something together with Ishimaru-kun lately, and we're going to go talk to Kazuki-san about it. I figure that one way we could start working on it is by helping out with the tree.
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