yogen | ( MAY CATCH-ALL )

( eventually, sidney must decide that noah needs more than just him- but that doesn't really stop him from carrying on his back while searching for the one who he sees most often with the boy: clamor. thankfully, it's not a long search- with noah's own quiet input, sidney's able to find their target lingering in an empty classroom. shifting just long enough to open the door, sidney clears his throat. )

Clamor, was it?

( given the exhausted, red-eyed boy on his back, sidney, thinks it's... pretty obvious, why he's here. )

Edited 2021-05-09 01:41 (UTC)

[Here he is, actually trying to relax and read a novel for once when someone unexpectedly calls his name. He looks up, first seeing Sidney, then the figured slumped on his back...]

Noah?! [as if he ever needed more than "Noah looking upset and/or hurt" to immediately go into panic mode. Clamor drops his book, practically jumping out of his seat to rush over to them.] Are you alright? Are you hurt? What happened?

[He is fretting, though not quite willing to touch the boy in case he really is injured... sure is a great time to be thinking about all those awful nightmares he's been having recently. He'll appreciate Sidney once he's done making sure his partner is okay.]

[If it wasn't obvious by the red eyes and the way Noah is kind of slumped over on Sidney's back, he's exhausted, but not in the way he normally is — there's a sort of half-aware look in his eyes and a barely-muttered,]

Nothing.

[Which is obviously something or else he'd already have scrambled off of Sidney's back.

He's not hurt, though. Physically.]

Just...

[And here's the part where he struggles to find words to put to his emotions, where he's waffling over whether to say he had actual flashbacks or if he should just keep it simple for a lack of wanting to connect with anything going on. A moment passes, then two, and finally Noah opts to flip his wrist almost dismissively and settle on,]

It's all... too much.

( though sidney does turn a bit towards noah's voice behind him, he doesn't shift too much just yet- but clamor can see the small frown on his face before he shakes his head slowly. after a moment, he drags a chair over with his leg and lets noah down finally. )

... I found him in the library.

( which is him also giving noah a chance to elaborate himself, or to say that he doesn't want him to spill everything. )

[It's obviously not nothing—but he's been stuck by Noah's side for long enough to put two and two together. More importantly, he's not hurt or injured or dying, and for that Clamor can let out a huge sigh of relief. Noah's safe, he's not in danger, everything's going to be fine...

But it's also not fine, because Noah is still hurting even if it's not physical. And once again, Clamor wasn't there. He should've been there. Isn't this the only thing he's good for?

... no, this isn't the time for his selfish guilt. He pushes those thoughts aside, focusing everything on what Noah needs right now, and—he can only guess, and he's deliberately slow in case the kid shows any sign of not wanting the contact, but he's going in for a hug and he's not going to let go. It's the one comfort he could never provide before, so maybe this can make up for all the times he's done nothing but talk.

(and maybe he needs it too... but he's not going to think about that)]

It's alright. As long as you're safe... [he'll give Noah as much time as he needs, hug included. even if this is something of an awkward hugging angle...

That said, he pulls back just enough to look over at his classmate. Can't forget about the hero of the hour.]

Thank you, Sidney. For finding him. I should've noticed something sooner... [and there's a hint of that guilt again, but. it's fine.]

[Noah's first action is just to kind of slump over in the chair, momentarily burying his head in his hands. There's a stressed-sounding sigh, Noah rubbing his hand down his face, and then—

—then, a surprised squeak when he's hugged.

He doesn't move. A beat passes, and then two, and then a dam bursts somewhere and Noah winds up a sobbing mess. He doesn't hug back. He doesn't look at either Sidney nor Clamor, staring off into space as if he's not quite present. It's only after several minutes pass that Noah seems to come back to the real world and shakes his head, having missed the latter half of the conversation.]

...I went there to calm down. [is what he offers, voice soft and almost inaudible.] It didn't work. Um...

[As if he's trying to taste the words before saying them, Noah looks this way and that, indecisive.]

Sidney came and found me. L-like... like he said. The... everything that happened with the... the dead, reminded me of...

[Of home, of all the death he's had to see, but now he's defenseless and it makes him feel like he's five again, standing there and watching Harque collapse. These are the words that he's struggling with the most.]

...the... the Order, I guess.

[Sidney doesn't know all of that, of course; it's not a secret Noah has been trying to keep, it's just that he doesn't enjoy talking about it for perhaps-obvious reasons.]

Everything in my head happened at, uh... at once. It just got worse and worse.

[There's no word in his vocabulary for it. Mental health crises are just not an explored concept on Elrios. At this point, he's trying to explain the hows and whys of the entire situation to both of them while he's yet again wiping tears off on the backs of his hands.]

No one can be there all of the time, Clamor. I'm just glad I was able to- and that he's got you here, too.

( and then noah speaks. )

It sounds like a trauma-induced panic attack that just got worse.

( he's not about to leave just yet, instead crouching beside noah and gripping his shoulder softly for a moment. 'the order', huh...? well, that sounded like a fucking cult if he's ever heard one before. and he's heard a lot!

louisiana was a fucking mess. and then death affecting him this badly... what a rotten hand noah was dealt. )

Noah? The next time this happens, I want you to find Clamor... or to come find me. ( he's involved now, everyone can see that. even if he doesn't know the details. ) I'd like to say there won't be a next time, but that's... being more generous with this place than I can comfortably claim.

[Ah, there goes the dam... better out than in, as they say. It's fine if the embrace is one-sided, so long as he can hold the boy in his arms for once. He pulls Noah close, rubbing his back as he lets all his emotions pour out.

No one can be there all of the time... well, that's reasonable, so he can't argue. He's just glad someone was there, after all.

He pulls back a little more once Noah starts to calm down, though he still keeps a firm arm around the boy's shoulders. Clamor is hardly an expert with these things, but Noah being able to talk about it seems like a positive step forward. He knits his brows at the explanation, and he could fill in the obvious blanks—he has seen Noah's trauma firsthand, after all—but that's not really his story to tell. He steals a glance at Sidney when the Order comes up, but aside from that, he gives nothing. Not this time, at least.]

... Sidney's right. You shouldn't have to be alone when you're like that. I keep telling you... it's alright for you to rely on others sometimes. [rely on him, because when Noah runs off on his own it just makes him worry more, not less]

Is there anything else you need right now? ... Have you eaten anything today? [he might have a juice box and some fruit snacks tucked away in his desk... you never know when you might need to feed a teenager in murderschool, yknow]

There won't be a next time.

[And there it is, the biggest lie of the century. He knows this will happen again. It's not like this is a one-time deal. Noah knows better, presumably the adults know better, but he's stubborn; admitting something is wrong is another can of worms entirely and Noah only prefers to open that can when he's alone. The only reason he was able to admit anything to Sidney in the library was because he'd been caught. Any other time, he'd pretend everything is fine.

It's supposed to be, isn't it? He can't break down from (another) panic attack if he bottles everything up, right? (No, not right, but that's what Noah's going to say makes the most sense because shutting down in the past has worked wonders until it hasn't.)]

...no, I didn't eat. I'm not hungry.

[His eyes shift between Sidney and Clamor, and then he goes back to staring at the space between the two of them, avoiding eye contact.]

I don't... um... [words don't need to be this difficult. Why are words like this?] ...I don't like asking for help. It's easier to deal with alone.

Remember what we talked about, Noah. Sometimes it's easier, but that doesn't mean it's good for you. The things that are best for you can be the most difficult things in the world- like asking for help, or accepting it when offered. But that's why you have to.

How many things in this school would be broken, do you think, if we just decided to leave messes and not fix things? Your health is the same.

( sidney only shifts to ruffle noah's hair- he's not in trouble, they're just worried old men. though... maybe he might have to show clamor the notebook later. oof. )

At least have something to drink, alright? I promise you that it will help.

[Clamor just sighs. Really, Noah, you should know better than to try that by now...

"Something to drink" is a problem he can fix right now, though, so he finally breaks away from Noah to retrieve the emergency desk snacks. He pulls over a chair for himself while he's at it, sitting down next to Noah as he hands over the goods: room-temperature orange juice and a packet of mixed dried fruits.]

You really should be eating a proper meal, but at least take these for now. You'll make yourself sick if you don't eat anything all day... oh, and I already checked to make sure there's no peaches, so you don't have to worry about that! If you're feeling hungry later I can make us something, if you'd like? I'm not much of a chef, but I think I get the gist of how the stoves here work now...

[it is... probably still not safe to let clamor loose in a modern kitchen, but unless someone else offers...]

[Speaking of the notebook, Noah doesn't really recall where it got to, so he just sort of assumes its in Sidney's hands considering he wasn't exactly holding it when he was being carried in here. He's not all too worried about it — he sketched some concerning things in his panic, but he's not mentally present enough to think about tearing those pages out and throwing them away right now.

But, oh boy, room temperature orange juice! Noah's favourite (not really), which despite claiming he's not hungry he's very quick to dig into both that and the dried fruits.]

You get... the gist of how the stove works?

[And with that, Noah looks up at Sidney, where he's just going to... casually not give voice to the whole "we talked about this" statement because if he does they're going to be here all day going back and forth. Instead, he gives Sidney what could be called a pleading expression, like, please don't let Clamor burn his hand off in the kitchen.

Noah, frankly, hasn't tried to figure the stove out, so...]

Maybe Sidney could show you how to work the stove better? [is Noah's smart suggestion on the matter, said between him shoveling dried fruits into his mouth.]

( t. the gist. oh god clamor don't be like his mother-- )

Yeah, no, I can do that. It's better to go in knowing exactly what you're doing.

( they don't need to be burning the school down??? especially if they can't leave. oh lord.

but yes, the notebook is present- he wasn't about to leave it behind. eventually, and somewhat reluctantly, sidney sighs, holding it still in one hand. )

Noah, is it alright if I show Clamor this?

( because the boy needs help, but this- he doesn't know any of this. clamor, however, has familiarity. but... if noah says no, that's all he can do for right now. until necessity dictates otherwise, that is, but even that feels rotten and underhanded. )

[W...why is Noah giving him that look?? He feels somewhat offended—ingenuity is a magitech expert's greatest strength, so he definitely could've figured something out! If he can cook with alchemy equipment in his lab, he can cook with anything!

Sidney offers before he can get too huffy about it, though, so... he deflates with a little sigh.] I guess it'd be quicker with someone around who can just explain it. I could do it on my own if I wanted to... [sure, Clamor.

... anyway. There's still something else to discuss, apparently, before they go off making dinner plans. He raises an eyebrow at the notebook, then looks to Noah. Something he wrote? Or... maybe drew? He's already worried, give the context, but he waits for Noah's answer regardless.]

[Sidney, please teach Clamor to use modern ovens, thanks.

But, uh, yeah. The notebook. Noah nods very reluctantly, figuring if they don't rip the bandaid off now that he'll just have to do it later, and either way it's going to suck. He explains very briefly,]

I was trying to, um... just keep my hands occupied, and...

[...and basically he wound up drawing the usual things he focuses on. Clamor but in sickle form (because sickles are cool okay), cats, phases of the moon, et cetera — but halfway through it's easy to see where he got too caught up in his panic and started scrawling out half-finished portraits with chaotic pen strokes and one actually finished piece depicting a man with his face scribbled out.

There's a letter written nearby on that same page in nearly indecipherable handwriting, the only legible lines being, "Harque, I miss you". Flipping a page forward shows the notes he and Sidney had been passing back in forth, where Noah's handwriting is only marginally better; each page is crinkled just slightly in spots where he'd been crying over the paper.]

...I don't know. I sort of blacked out, I guess.

( he knows that deflated look all too well... clamor stop channeling his beloved mom??? please?? with a sigh, sidney runs a hand through his hair. )

I take kitchen safety very seriously. I'd do this for anyone who isn't already familiar with such things, I assure you. Just let me know when.

( but then noah brings out the real subject at hand: his current condition, and the notebook. there's much he doesn't understand, and perhaps it's not his place. but once he hands clamor the notebook, sidney is crouched beside noah again, ruffling his hair somewhat and otherwise reminding him in little ways: they're all here, real, physical. he isn't alone. )

You might want to reconsider how effective the library is as a place to go when you're upset. Sure, no one can hear you... but your thoughts, however treacherous they may become, are all that you can hear.

[Clamor takes the notebook, and it's a minute or two before he can fully process it all. The pictures, the letter, the notes exchanged with Sidney...

None of it is new information. There's nothing new here for him to worry about, nothing that he hasn't seen before or tried to help with... getting better doesn't come easy, does it? How long does Noah have to suffer before he's had enough?

He lingers on the conversation with Sidney, but eventually he flips back to the first page, before the sketches became chaotic and unstable.]

You got my good side.

[... squinting, well actually] Or at least I think that's my good side. I don't think I've ever seen the other side... [kinda hard using a mirror when you're a magic talking sickle with only one eye

That's, uh, probably incomprehensible to Sidney, but the important part is that there's nothing in here more worrying than what Sidney's already seen, so hopefully that intent still gets across. He doesn't want to focus too much on the negatives... and besides, it's a good thing that Noah opened up to someone. That's something he can be thankful for.]

[Yeah, he sure did get Clamor's good side, didn't he? The side that can see and emote at him is ostensibly The Best Side.]

...of course I did.

[Sidney ruffling his hair makes him think way too much of Harque, but not in a bad way. He doesn't deflate, just sort of... sits there, feeling the least bit happy about it, actually.

But, at the same time? Noah's not sure he wants to choose a different location to shut down in other than the library. It's just easier. Hasn't he always been alone with his thoughts, made to suffer through them no matter what he does? It's why he works himself to the point of collapse — he doesn't want to deal with them. If he has to deal with them, he'll do it alone.

...even though he's being told not to do that. It's a foreign concept, to more than one person around that wants him to, what, not go hide every time something is wrong?]

The library is just... easier. It's like... at night, how all of the sound disappears. If I wake up screaming from nightmares, I don't wake up the whole school.

[Except for the fact that on multiple occasions, Noah has knocked over a desk and woken up the classroom he's slept in by thrashing around and alarming everyone. He's thinking he'll go sleep in the hallways now. It's less-guarded, more open, but he won't have to feel bad about rousing anyone.]

If I have to go break down, no one has to deal with it but me.

( yeah no he understands very little of what's actually being said. but you know what? not his business. ... mostly. if he needs to be brought into the loop, he trusts clamor to do so- if only for the sake of the boy between them.

speaking of... sidney shakes his head, moving his hand from noah's head to his shoulder. )

We want to 'deal with it', Noah. We want to help you.

[Everything was all too much. There was no keeping up with this place. At least the clocktower was a good place to be. Calming, though a little frustrating. Seeing the rest of the school through those panes, where Shoto can't go, left him moving from each face after a few minutes. Studying the outside so he knows where he can go whenever he's allowed out there. Time isn't something he fully pays attention to till he hears someone else coming up the stairs. Another transfer perhaps?

Whoever it is will get a nod of acknowledgment. If it seems like he should leave, he will do so. No one needs him skulking around here all day.]

( considering the many corpses that have taken residence in the clock tower as of late, sidney's surprised to see one of the kids here- but given that it's got perhaps one of the best views of what they can't have, maybe it's not so surprising after all. teenagers have a surprising resilience- he just wishes that they didn't need to be.

but then, there's a lot of things about this hellscape of a school that he wishes weren't the case. )

I wasn't expecting anyone up here.

[Corpses or not, when Shoto is antsy, he's antsy.]

It's quiet here, and there's no cats.

[Since he got yelled at once for almost stepping on one.]

Generally, no. Sometimes, but the black one skitters away when people approach, generally. Do you not like them?

I know the black one. I was yelled at for startling it on accident...

( yelled at...? sidney just sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. )

Unnecessary. Who'd even... Never mind. I don't think the cats will come in here, no.

... How are you handling all of this?

( because he is, at heart, a teacher. )

[Shoto never got the name. Just remembers it was someone with a sketchbook.]

I've been... [How has he been handling this? Not very well, actually.] I was trained to be a pro-hero, and I can't save anyone here.

( a pro-hero...? god, he probably would have loved that, if he'd been born there. )

I understand. ... I was a police detective, once. This sort of helplessness... it's a heavy weight. I'm sorry that you have to carry it.

[What quirk would Sidney have]

We all have to carry it. No one is exactly stopping these murders.

( either something to do with enhanced sight, his canonical soothing aura ability but More or a healing quirk, thank you. )

Unfortunately, you're not wrong. Even with so many of us here, we can't be everywhere at once. Even our investigations are shaky because so many of the younger kids don't know what they're doing. I wish I'd been more lucid when things started, but... wishing can't truly change anything. All I can do is try, going forward.

But you're still young- you don't need to try to shoulder everything, regardless of the profession you're going for.

[Healing is always needed.]

It would be easier if we all worked together better.

[Between pretending this school was a fun time and murders, Shoto isn't sure how long he can keep that up.]

You're not wrong. There's a lot of clashing personalities who all have their own idea as to how things should be, and I'll be honest- I don't think everyone fully realizes that sort of teamwork is important yet either.

( sidney speaks softly, as he tends to do with kids like this. it's not exactly the best of things to learn- that in a crisis some people will actively hinder things for fun. )

We're actively taught to work together in the last school I was in. If you don't help, you were a hindrance.

[And a hindrance would get kicked out of school. Why bother being a hero if you won't work with others?]

Not everyone has such a work ethic drilled into them. Or... some of them simply can't afford that kind of trust. And it's going to hurt before it helps, if they even learn not to.

... Tell me about your school. Your real one.

[Oh boy. This school might be more than Shoto can handle then, even without killing.]

We called it U.A... it's a high school where we have four sections: The heroes course, general studies, support, and management. I was in the heroes course. One of my classmates, Katsuki Bakugou, is as well.

( MAY CATCH-ALL )

BACKDATED: April 24th | Clamor and Noah

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clamor staring at the notebook for 10 days in a row like

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Backdated to between events (May 9th)

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