yogen | [semi-open] second truth bullet: hinata's memory

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[semi-open] second truth bullet: hinata's memory

Who: Hajime Hinata and YOU
What: A catch-all log for Hinata throughout the month! Closed things will added by request, open things for stuff outside of event top-levels
Where: Various
When: Mostly June, at least one or two things backdated to late May
Warnings: SPOILERS for chapter 4 of Super Dangan Ronpa 2, after the Final Dead Room Discussion

Notes: Hinata will be undergoing a canon update that will have taken place on the 4th! He will be approaching things considerably more depressed and/or apathetic after this takes place, so you're welcome to tag him between the 1st and 3rd if you'd rather have normal Hinata! However, the threads that take place after the canon update are very important. It's something I've detailed more on plurk, but essentially there's something of a "game" that I have going. Hinata now has a "trust" level that's been reset to 0 - if his points are positive enough, he will be updated to either chapter 5 or the end of the game, and if his points fall too far, he will be "reverted" to one of two earlier canon points (chapter 1 or pre-game) and lose all of his Yogen memories. Close CR has more weight at first, but anyone has the power to affect him, so feel free to take a shot at raising or lowering those points!

If you have any questions or would like to plot things, feel free to reach me at

Yamadori! (You're also welcome to write starters for me as well, just give me a heads up first!)

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Well, I figured we'd usually see each other at the club meetings.

( still, what a way to say it — "i'm all done for the day," as if they can just check out of the building and go home like the rest of their classes once classes have come to an end. wouldn't that be nice? unfortunately for the both of them, it's not the case; hinata's stuck here, which means he's stuck here with amami, who's currently figuring out how to approach this. his movements are a bit stiff, looking a bit uncomfortable as he makes his way into the room. )

Speaking of which... did something happen? You seemed pretty quiet, last time.

( he supposes there's nothing preventing him from being straightforward about it. )

...Sorry. I haven't really felt up for much since a few days ago.

[Hinata can kind of bring himself to go, a sense of obligation more than any of the enjoyment it might've brought him before. But it's hard, it's so hard, when he has to bite his lip every time Komaeda speaks up. When the anger still runs red hot under his veins.

...It makes him feel something, if nothing else, so that's probably something good.]

It's nothing really that important. Just... [Hinata wonders, briefly, if he should even bring it up. Isn't that a lot to dump on someone he just met a little while ago? But maybe he doesn't have to share anything especially detailed.] ...I woke up one morning and remembered something bad from home.

You remembered...?

( when he makes it up to where hinata is, he'll take a seat himself — wincing and biting down on his tongue hard to suppress a hiss of pain that threatens to sneak past his lips, and he's successful enough. either way, it's not as if rantarou amami doesn't understand the weight that memories can have to someone; the look in his eyes is serious, with a sense of concern underlying. )

I don't know, it seems like it must have been pretty important if it made this much of a difference.

( he's not going to push too hard about it, but who knows — if hinata wants to get it off his (very large) chest, amami will leave it up to him. )

[Something flickers on Hinata's face - not necessarily because of Amami's words, but because of the look in his eyes.

Concern... It has to be. But why?

He hasn't known me that long, so why... waste concern on someone like me...?

Regardless of the reason, it's enough to make Hinata's voice come out a little softer.]

I just remembered... that I'm not anybody important. That's all.

[Hinata's tone is a little softer, but it doesn't make the words any less painful.]

( similarly, amami keeps a sharp eye for hinata's reactions to his words — though the elaboration he receives in return is enough that his head tilts, only just slightly, to the side as he considers it.

well he's sure as hell not saying anything that could even indirectly confirm an idea like that. at the same time, it's... well, amami himself, he has his own fears surrounding what his memories could be hiding about him as a person. he can't entirely brush aside hinata's feelings either in a situation like that, so he'll take a different approach, his own voice softening to match. )

Definitions like that are pretty subjective, you know. Can something you've forgotten really decide that?

( ... asking for a friend. )

[He's quiet for a long stretch, mulling over how much he should say, before finally deciding that it doesn't matter. However Amami might respond, if he keeps it in he'll feel like he's been lying, and that's... still a worse feeling.]

I think... only if you let what's forgotten define who you are.

[Like he did. Piling all of his self-worth on a pedestal without the foundation to keep it upright.]

I know some people here don't know of it, but... I'm a student at Hope's Peak Academy, a place full of Ultimates. I had gone all this time waiting to remember the talent that made me someone. [His mouth curves into a humorless smile.] Or... so I thought. The long and short of it is that for... months, now that we've been here, I've thought I had amnesia making me forget my talent, but the truth is that I had none to begin with. I was... never really anybody that important.

( to say that this confession comes as a surprise is probably an understatement — can't really, fully capture how much this actually catches amami off-guard. even so, his eyes only widen for a moment. rather than lingering on the unexpectedness, there's an earnest interest in hinata's words, a surprising degree of intensity underlying his gaze. )

It's rough, huh? I mean, being surrounded by all these others with talents, and it really shows. They've dedicated their lives to these things, yknow? Maybe they're a little eccentric, sure, but they're amazing, too. Surrounded by all of them, you can't help but wonder, "What about me?"

( there's a moment where he pauses, a wry smile forming on his own lips, but he carries on conversationally with absent, open gestures as he speaks. )

It's kind of exciting, actually — thinking that there's something out there you're that passionate about, right? And kind of frustrating too, not knowing what it might be... I'm sure you had already considered if it could have all just been a mistake, right? Or, even worse, what if it was a talent you didn't want?

I think I might get it — where you're coming from.

( why it matters to him so much, but... he doesn't want to go too into it until he hears a little more from hinata's perspective. )

[It's not much, but - the corner of his mouth quirks up into a half-smile, just for a moment. The most genuine expression to cross his face this entire time.]

I feel like this is the part where I should be yelling "you don't understand how I feel at all" or something, but... That all feels pretty close to the mark. You sound like you're talking from experience.

[If Hinata were more on top of things, he'd be looking at that with a sharper eye - investigating, contemplating, ascertaining. As it is, he does at least take a mental note of it, but he doesn't pursue it any further unless Amami offers information himself.]

In the back of my head... I think I did ask myself those things. "What if I wasn't really an Ultimate at all?" Or, "What if it's something that I really hate?" But... I think I could've lived with the second one, if it meant I had something at all. I remember I joked around with a classm- [Cuts himself off. Readjusts.] ...a friend from that class of Ultimates, and he thought maybe I was the Ultimate Counselor. I told him then that it was too much stress and I didn't want a talent like that... But I would have taken it. If I could've had anything at all, I would've taken it.

[He looks down at his hands, curled lightly on top of his desk. Normal, boring hands that can't hold anyone up anymore.]

It would've been better than the alternative could ever be.

( when hinata lets it slide, agrees with him even, the smile amami wears softens slightly. he isn't going to make this a conversation about him — not going to take them off on a tangent like that, but he won't make an effort to hide it either. )

I guess you're different from me, in that case. If it was something I found uninteresting or just didn't like, that'd be fine, but... What if you turned out to be the Ultimate Murderous Fiend or something — the Ultimate Arsonist, y'know? If it's something like that...

( then amami might just pick the talentless option.

his brows draw together with the words, expression falling as he crosses his arms, glancing away in thought. hinata may not be happy with his result, but thoughts like this are still a concern that weighs on amami. he'll shake his head after a moment passes though, dismissing them. )

Can I ask what makes it worse, not having one?

Maybe I just didn't give it as much thought as you. Or maybe I was just too overeager to have anything at all... Who knows?

[Hinata shrugs, and then is quiet for a long stretch as he lets that question roll around in his head. What makes it worse...

Much as he would love not to think of it, that one conversation from a certain classroom floor flashes in his mind. Unintentionally, he grimaces.]

Having a talent... All of my hopes and dreams rode on that. It was what I prized and valued above anything else. Now that the one thing I believed in the most is gone... it's difficult to move past that.

[Helplessly lost, and one of his main anchors having forsaken him... Or is Hinata the one that did the forsaking?]

And... knowing there are people I've gotten close to, that I cared about, who will look at me differently because of it... just makes it all even worse. [He looks at his hands. Plain and normal, nondescript.] If I can't be proud of the person I am... I can't really expect anyone else to, right?

[The apprehension is always there now, after that morning. Even with people that he's sure would never think of him any differently... there's always that what if whispering in the back of his mind.]

( much to think about.

amami is quiet as hinata explains himself. after, too, for a long moment. closing his eyes in thought, a hand brought up to his chin as he considers the explanation he's given seriously... there's a fundamental problem with what he's being told, he feels, but the way he approaches it is like this: )

What would you think? You said it yourself: you prize and value talent above anything else, right?

( a short exhale, and he sets up the scenario. )

So if you were in their shoes... If you found out that your friend, let's say they're the Ultimate Artist, you found out that they actually had no talent at all. That they're "only" someone who enjoys painting — would you think less of them? Would your friendship depend on their talent?

I'm not judging if it does, mind you. I just want to get a better idea.

( the way hinata frames it — it doesn't sound, to amami, like talent is what he's looking for. not really. for all of the similarities their situations share, after all, there's a stark difference between the two of them. perhaps talent is more important to hinata, undeniably so, but in this situation it feels almost... like it's being used as a crutch. a band-aid to put over top of a wound much bigger than it's meant to serve.

but if he's wrong, he knows he'll do more harm than good by speaking up to early. instead, he looks to hinata with an expectant gaze, waiting to see what he decides. )

[It's not what Amami intends, at least Hinata doesn't think, but- pain streaks across his expression before he can school it into something more neutral.]

What I would think...

[I'm not even sure it matters anymore, he doesn't say.

And yet.]

...I could never do that. [Hinata's almost whispering those words. He thinks of Nene looking up at him, trusting and adoring, and his heart squeezes-] A talent... may be something that I want as an individual, that I grew up needing... but I wouldn't hold anyone else to that standard. The friends I've made that don't have any talent are still important and precious to me, and nothing would make that change in my eyes. Something like that would never get in the way of how much I care about them. But...

[His gaze falters, here, once again. When the pain flickers across his features this time, it's even deeper. Hinata swallows, but it doesn't ease the sting in his throat from the words as they make their journey out of his mouth.]

Not everyone thinks as simply or mercifully as me. [Hinata's voice shakes. He can't hold Amami's gaze anymore, not while talking about this; it doesn't stray especially far, just a bit off to the side.] Even someone that I thought valued and cared about me... who I was sure would never, ever want nothing to do with me... was quick enough to change the moment they found out the truth. So if that happened with one person already... there's no telling when it'll happen again, right?

[It's stated with a sad, almost bitter resignation. Who will it be next? Which friend that he's made will recoil from him next, view him as less than a person?]

...

( so there's someone that important to hinata here, he guesses; someone who was around when he learned the truth.

amami himself... doesn't quite know what to say. it's a difficult situation and, while he feels like he knows what the problem is, it's a bit hard for him to handle this as delicately as he probably should. honestly, it's times like this when he wishes kaede were here — well, she may be in the school, but he can't exactly get up and leave to go find her... she'd know how to handle this situation though, just like before. but now, it's only him. hinata's really trusting him here, so for better or for worse, he has to be the one to decide how to approach this. )

Sorry, I'm sure that must have hurt a lot.

( it's a little clumsy, but sincere nonetheless. )

It's not like it's your fault though, and I don't think that it should define who you are either. I mean... even if you have a talent, it doesn't mean that people won't turn their backs on you.

( he speaks from experience, kind of. but he also speaks from what he's seen in others. it's probably not what hinata wants to hear, but sometimes things need to get worse before they can get better. sometimes you need a clean break for a bone to heal, right? he breathes out a sigh — not tired, but thoughtful. )

Hinata-kun, you might not agree with me here, but a talent probably won't fix something like this.

Edited (u ever reread a scene, then do something, then reread it again, and u have to fix, and th) 2021-07-06 04:07 (UTC)

[It may be clumsy, but it reaches and is received. Hinata still smiles, even if it's a sad one.]

Thank you, Amami.

[The smile falls quickly enough, something more pensive taking its place. He turns over Amami's words in his head, letting them sink in.

Even though there's some warmth in his chest, because that feels like Amami himself might be looking past talent and seeing Hinata for who he is- Part of him still wants to resist, challenge, argue.

And yet... Amami is right, isn't he?]

You... might be right, but...

[If he's right, then what does that mean for Hinata? What else does he have?]

That's meant everything to me for as long as I can remember. If I don't have that... [Komaeda's face flashes in his mind's eye, again, and Hinata wishes it wouldn't.] ...how can I be something of worth to somebody?

[How does he change what's been ingrained on his heart and mind for so long?]

Edited (I HIT ENTER TOO FAST DON'T LOOK) 2021-07-08 23:40 (UTC)

( amami shrugs. )

Like I said, talent won't guarantee that — actually, if that's what you want, I don't really know what will.

( he looks serious, but in an almost troubled kind of way. like he's really trying to think through a solution, but even as he scrunches up his brows and his lips pull into a grimace, there's just no easy way out of this one. the best he can offer might come off as more of a sidestep — but it's still something he feels should be said. )

The problem is, you're acting like you've only got worth if someone else decides you do, so you're focusing on what you think will make other people value you. If you're asking me, I think it'd be better if you found something you value. I mean, if you only focus on the idea of talent, you're not really giving yourself the chance to find something you actually care about, y'know?

( which sounds kind of lame if he thinks too hard about it. like that "you have to love yourself before someone else can love you," cliché or something, and amami's well aware. it's not really what he means, though; not like he can argue that he likes himself a whole lot either, but he certainly isn't going to say that the effort he pours in doesn't mean anything. isn't going to let other people's opinions weigh him down. so naturally, for hinata, too... )

But if you can find a reason that's important enough to you, then you might not be as worried about pleasing other people.

( it would be a start, at least. )

[Hinata is quiet as he absorbs Amami's words. It's not that he doesn't accept it, necessarily; the resistance is still there, but not so much that he can't try to open his mind to the things Amami is saying.

It's hard, though. So difficult, when it's the only way he's ever known how to be, ingrained down to every bit of his character.

He can't even imagine what it would like like. A Hinata Hajime that tried to stand on his own.]

A reason... that's important enough, huh...

[Hinata's fingers curl as he breaks eye contact.]

I tried to find things I liked when I was younger, you know? I thought that might be good enough to get me into Hope's Peak, if I had something I was good at or at least passionate about. But... nothing ever stuck.

[When Hinata lifts his head again, his eyes are tired, expression. But there's something there - a flicker. A spark.]

Maybe... it would be different if I tried now. But I wouldn't even know where to begin.

That's one way to do it, but I guess there's a difference between a talent and a purpose.

( while hinata might be a little off the mark here, amami still looks pleased enough with the path this is taking. he gestures to himself absently as he continues. )

Maybe I'm not the best example, since I can't prove I really have one. If I do though, it's not something I can figure out so easily — and whether I have one or not doesn't change the fact that there's something I need to do.

( it's the idea of having one that he shouldn't — couldn't be proud of, when he meets his sisters again that scares him far more than that. and, you know, that's what he's getting at; something more important than talent, something totally removed from talent — really, something far more intrinsically linked with his failures and shortcomings. it's hard to express all that simply though, and harder without going into his own reasons, so he exhales and... skips that part. something for hinata to figure out for himself, maybe. )

It doesn't have to be anything fancy, but maybe if you give it some thought you'll find it — something that you need to do no matter what.

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[semi-open] second truth bullet: hinata's memory

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i havn't stopped thinking about this since i got it at 5am.........

sends u another tag at 5 am because i'm a menace

evil........ but work was too busy this time :/ i attack now

gasps.... I was struck :pleading_face:

thru the heart............!

NOT THRU THE HEART IM CRYING no yes that's correct though I was struck through through the heart

this hard-mode ass reply i'm sobbing... sorry hinatakun

DON'T BE SORRY HE'S TRYING HIS BEST

pours one out for hinatakun

pours one out with u

we can rebuild him