yogen | npc contact.2

No, I should've been with you.

( he says it with conviction; it's something he really believes. )

If there was somewhere you wanted to go, if you were scared, if you needed me — that's where I should've been, no matter what time it was.

( ... )

I was right behind you, you know. I probably could have reached you first, if I had just been a little faster, but I was never far.

( would things have been different, if he hadn't taken so long? would they have turned out better? would they have been safer? )

[the way I read about him getting the wrong idea and yelled..............

Determination shifts to relief shifts to melancholy. Hinata's kept his gaze up all this time, but it falters now, looking away briefly before forcing himself back.]

I know that... you might not have any clue what I'm about to talk about. Maybe it's better if you don't, honestly, just because it's something so painful. But... It's something I needed to say to you, even before I was sure about who you were.

[Hinata takes a deep breath...]

[...and he bows his head low, low, lower than he remembers ever bowing his head before. Lower than he's even seen his parents bow.]

I'm sorry... I'm so sorry...!

[Hinata doesn't even realize that he's crying until he feels cold wetness on his cheeks, delayed realization because of what's finally spilling out of him.

He cries like he couldn't before - because Hinata hates crying in front of people. Because he couldn't cry in front of Kogamo especially. Because there was no time for crying when they didn't know if Komaeda and Sakasaki were alright.]

For not being able to save you... For being too late... I'm sorry, Arata...!

[I'm sorry we couldn't stop you from being in so much pain.

I'm sorry we didn't bring your dad back home.

I'm sorry I left Kogamo alone.

It may not be reaching the boy in the memories, and part of him doesn't even want to look up to see what sort of face this Arata Rokuro will make.

But if this is the person that boy became... then even if he doesn't understand, he's the one that deserves them.]

[subaru stiffens in surprise, but he relaxes again after a moment and tilts his head against the other's. this is sort of embarrassing. but not in a bad way, in a nice way subaru doesn't really mind. it makes his heart tick a little faster, but even though he's been really set on Not feeling those feelings while keigo's vulnerable these past few days it's hard not to....

he just...

...

ah fuck it, he's pulling back with keigo in his arms so subaru's the one who's holding them close, they can situate themselves however needed for comfort but he's done being the spoiled kouhai they don't wiggle around enough for his energy levels. maybe it's easier if they're in his lap given how short they are? whatever, subaru gonna nuzzle them again, voice scratchy at how hard he's trying to be Quiet.]

Whatcha thinkin' about, Keigo?

[ I think I read "what's wrong with him" and laughed and closed the tab and forgot but I'm back now

npckun looks up at the forehead bump, leaning into it for a moment before reaching over and stealing Komaeda's pencil to write in his notebook in their bubbly handwriting ]

Is it fun?

[ He's already missed so much school... that month long whenever it was after the imp attack, then it was summer break, really the only thing saving his exam scores is the fact that he's been here a while. ]

I'll get better
[ "I can take care of myself" he writes and then backspaces ]
I'm taking care of myself
In meantime, you have other people, like Rika and Rantarou

[ and whoever else is in his Scooby Doo mystery gang ]

8PM?!

[ They already have a self-imposed 10:30 bedtime that's plenty early, because if they fall asleep at 8, then they'll wake up at... counts fingers... 3AM and who knows what 3AM npckun is like. Forced to lie in bed for another three hours, maybe, until the sun comes up and they're able to go outside. ]

When do you go to bed...? You were up pretty late during the sleepover too...

[ Or maybe he was trying to go to bed when they and Sara dogpiled him ]

No! [ it's blurted out, so many points they want to argue and they turn in their seat to face Amami like this will better make him understand. ]

You couldn't have known any more than I did, and if you were there, I—- I...

[ they what? couldn't have done anything for him, it would have been the both of them, there was no way they could have gotten him out of there on their own, and they wouldn't be able to stand it if another person died because of them. ]

...You can't always be there for me. I didn't ask... [ ... ] You aren't my babysitter... [ ... ] ...I don't want you to resent me...

( how you're laughing and i'm using every thought in my power so that komaeda leaves behind no body because i can't give rokkun that satisfaction. )

...

( you can tell a lot from how people write, and the bubbles... that says so much about npckun's character.

he has to find another pencil because he doesn't know if he can have that one back. )

being smart? it only makes writing the guide easier. are the anglerfish fun?

why do you insist that i need people to look after me?
i can take care of myself.

( :) if rokkun won't say it, komaeda sure can, because it's true... he's worthless, so no one will actually bother him.

he just likes to spice up their school life, and talking about that... why won't rokkun help him, where's his gun! )

this is quite much coming from the lonely student who sits at the back of the class...

8PM.

( he repeats it. why do children seem so against sleeping early, well, komaeda knows they don't want to. it's why he chooses a random bedtime, wanting to rike the other up just a little to see their reaction. he's doing his best not to chuckle as he remains swadloon'd in the blanket, and then he rolls closer to the wall side. )

...Adults can stay up as long as they like, it's the rule of life.

( don't forget the powers adults have before the children, they're giving extra awake time to get their work down. as for what he was doing at the sleepover... he was trying to get lily may, and then they got in his way. )

Did you enjoy yourself with them, that group?

...

( it hurts. he can't say it doesn't hurt — as keigo faces him, and with every word they say... )

I wouldn't.

( resent them, he means. couldn't even if he wanted to — even if they push him away, like they're doing now.

all of that warmth from the soup feels like it's evaporated, and despite himself, the beginnings of a bitter smile tug at his lips. he pulls his gaze away from them, looking to the side, looking down, settling his eyes on the soup on the table beside them, and he sighs. maybe he got a little too ahead of himself — a little too desperate... but failure is still failure in the end, and if there was anything to confirm that he failed, it would be this. knowing that despite their little play-pretend, he can't be someone keigo feels like they can depend on. they didn't ask for him to be, and it's true... he's not their babysitter, or their brother, or really anything at all to them except some guy they met a couple months back. the words cut deep, but he can't deny they're true. )

Sorry... ( not for what he did, because he'd do it again in a heartbeat, but... ) Guess I got a little ahead of myself, huh?

[ ...what? Whatever assumptions he was entertaining gets washed away in bewilderment, hands reaching to place themselves on either of Hinata's shoulders to get him to stand back up again because, why? what?

What happened, exactly, that was so painful for somebody else to have to apologize to him for? him who's... been through pain but never once expected anybody to come save him, who never once looked behind him to see if there was anybody trying to catch up, there's no "too late" about anything when time relentlessly beats on like the dull thuds in his chest and if Hinata won't lift his head, Rokkun finds himself crouching down in front of him, hands sliding down the length of Hinata's arms to hold onto his wrists instead, looking up to meet Hinata's eyes the way he would do for a child who stubbornly keeps their head bowed.

But what could he say? It's okay, I forgive you? The words sound hollow when it comes from a place of ignorance. ... It doesn't matter what he thinks, as long as he says what Hinata wants to hear, and he's good at that. ]

...You did what you could, and that's what matters, Hinata. That sort of thought makes me happy... so thank you, for trying.

[ Their eyes flutter open in surprise, falling forward on top of Subaru and is quick to adjust to a more comfortable position, a little tug at the corners of their lips that turns more thoughtful as they think of how to say it. ]

I was thinking you remind me of home. Way waaaaay back when things were... [ ... ] Happy. [ happier? happy. ] When I was never alone, and never doubted I was loved. That far back.

[ When they were maybe three. And maybe biased, trying desperately to hold onto what good memories they could of that time, however vague, and letting everything else wash away. ]

What about you? What are you thinking about?

[ What's the point of writing if it's not fun to look at... Bubble letters catch people's attention and is easy on the eyes and is good for advertisements; they would never let Komaeda chicken scratch on their posters.

And yeah it's their pencil now. ]

Yes!!!!!!
Being smart sounds like it'd be fun, though. You know everything and can do anything.

[ Squints at his pda like can Komaeda take care of himself... he's survived this long, somehow, so maybe. The gun is at home and maybe he doesn't want to give it to somebody who calls him lonely /: ]

And whose fault is it that I'm lonely?

if i recall, you said your father taught you everything that you know...
is there anything that he didn't?

( let's be honest, his brain eats away everything that could be considered important, yet he has the mind of a dictionary, but plays stupid because he wants to see other people figure things out. having a good memory works in his favor, and other times... so it's up to npckun definition if komaeda is smart. in the end, information like this comes easy to him, especially when it's like... third grade lessons — things are really different in hope's peak academy. )

but... you'd be surprised at what i can't do.

( THE WAY I SAW HE HAS A GUN AND STARTED COUGHING WAIT ROKKUN, komaeda ain't mean it, please let him have it. you're not lonely at all, you are SO popular oppa ❤️ )

come to school and i'll fix it.
a migraine isn't contagious, you know?

( was that the right answer? come on... big bucks, no whammies. )

You would...

[ He wouldn't. But what if he does? What if—

npckun presses their lips tight together, because they're projecting their many many insecurities and they know it, but... The apology makes them lift their head, the distance that their words caused, the way they want to reach out and physically hold Amami to them that contradicts everything that they're saying.

...

They reach for him anyways, because it doesn't matter, when they're full of contradictions in the first place. ]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry... Don't leave. [ Not their babysitter. not their brother. but he's still... ] Please don't hate me.

[ Maybe... they're an adult... nobody knows their age, nobody can prove it if they lie. And even in September they're still working on Komaeda's stupid math problems, they have plenty of work to fill the evening hours.

... ]

Yeah, I did! People keep asking me that, though... Did I not look happy?

[ Why wouldn't he have a gun, look at him ]

Tell that to the rest of the class
Both bacterial and viral infections can trigger headaches, and I'm not going to risk getting you sick

( they reach out, and he doesn't expect it, but he lets them. lets his arms wrap around them gently, rubbing circles against their back, trying to reassure them even if he feels like there's an empty hole in the center of his own chest. his voice is practiced soft and soothing nevertheless. )

Hey, it's fine. It's alright. You didn't do anything wrong, and didn't I just say that I wouldn't?

( he pauses, lets the words settle for a moment, and gives them a little squeeze. )

I'm not going anywhere. I don't hate you.

( this is just... this is a him problem. it doesn't need to be theirs, too. )

( child labor laws, komaeda is already aware! they're not even his stupid math, that's the rich math's school stupid math! has npckun looked at the suncatchers yet... the answer... the answers... )

It's because you stay within your shop, so people are curious to figure out what you enjoy, and what you don't.

( they did enjoy themselves, that was obvious, and they managed to get a lot of money from their rock scam. )

But... you fit right in with them, that's what I think.

( listen why do you think he asked? he's ill and insane. )

what if i can prove it's just a trick of the mind, and you aren't sick.
this all started on the... 12th, your unfortunate headache?

Edited 2021-09-26 20:13 (UTC)

He's bad at social studies.

[ A lot of what npckun knows ends up being self taught anyways, which they believe is something anybody can do: read a book, remember what's in it, move onto the next one. ]

Do you know how to play Slide? The clapping game? Show me.

npc contact.2

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