yogen | npc contact.2

[ alsfdkjh I'm crying, if he suggested the closet, Rokkun really would be getting the wrong idea, coupled with Hinata's red face. He does slow when they enter the stairwell, though, underneath the stairs where sound doesn't travel so high up and they can hear anybody opening the door above if they speak quietly.

Rokkun goes ahead and stands leaning his back against the door, so they'd have at least that much warning if this door were to open. ]

Alright, so, what's wrong? Are you in trouble?

[ Depending on what it is, there may be little he can do, but it doesn't seem like the first time somebody's pulled him aside and asked something shady of him they can only discuss in private. ]

[the way I read about him getting the wrong idea and yelled..............

Determination shifts to relief shifts to melancholy. Hinata's kept his gaze up all this time, but it falters now, looking away briefly before forcing himself back.]

I know that... you might not have any clue what I'm about to talk about. Maybe it's better if you don't, honestly, just because it's something so painful. But... It's something I needed to say to you, even before I was sure about who you were.

[Hinata takes a deep breath...]

[...and he bows his head low, low, lower than he remembers ever bowing his head before. Lower than he's even seen his parents bow.]

I'm sorry... I'm so sorry...!

[Hinata doesn't even realize that he's crying until he feels cold wetness on his cheeks, delayed realization because of what's finally spilling out of him.

He cries like he couldn't before - because Hinata hates crying in front of people. Because he couldn't cry in front of Kogamo especially. Because there was no time for crying when they didn't know if Komaeda and Sakasaki were alright.]

For not being able to save you... For being too late... I'm sorry, Arata...!

[I'm sorry we couldn't stop you from being in so much pain.

I'm sorry we didn't bring your dad back home.

I'm sorry I left Kogamo alone.

It may not be reaching the boy in the memories, and part of him doesn't even want to look up to see what sort of face this Arata Rokuro will make.

But if this is the person that boy became... then even if he doesn't understand, he's the one that deserves them.]

[ ...what? Whatever assumptions he was entertaining gets washed away in bewilderment, hands reaching to place themselves on either of Hinata's shoulders to get him to stand back up again because, why? what?

What happened, exactly, that was so painful for somebody else to have to apologize to him for? him who's... been through pain but never once expected anybody to come save him, who never once looked behind him to see if there was anybody trying to catch up, there's no "too late" about anything when time relentlessly beats on like the dull thuds in his chest and if Hinata won't lift his head, Rokkun finds himself crouching down in front of him, hands sliding down the length of Hinata's arms to hold onto his wrists instead, looking up to meet Hinata's eyes the way he would do for a child who stubbornly keeps their head bowed.

But what could he say? It's okay, I forgive you? The words sound hollow when it comes from a place of ignorance. ... It doesn't matter what he thinks, as long as he says what Hinata wants to hear, and he's good at that. ]

...You did what you could, and that's what matters, Hinata. That sort of thought makes me happy... so thank you, for trying.

[He straightens just a little when Rokuro puts his hands on him, but not enough to look up, so Hinata gets to see him crouch down - and it's such a brotherly gesture, one he can picture Rokuro doing to Kogamo so clearly, that it punches him in the gut. That and the words he hears only make him cry harder.

Hinata cries like the time he can no longer remember.]

How... After everything, how can you still remember what you said...?

[Even as the tears are falling, the realization comes as Hinata speaks. It's because of the thing he said - it's clearer to him than it's ever been, now.]

...No. It's like what I told Komaeda. [Hinata twists his hands, just a little - just enough to lightly grasp Rokkun's arms and squeeze back.] The emotions and feelings matter, even if the memory isn't real or isn't there. So even if you don't know who I am... it's okay.

[It shakes at the corners, but even through the tears - Hinata smiles.]

Even if you don't remember... my heart will still grieve you. Even if you don't remember... you'll still be someone important to me that I'll do anything to help, no matter how big or small.

[ Trying and trying (and failing and failing) is all he could ever do, so it's that effort that matters to him the most. But were they the wrong words? It looks like it, with the way Hinata cries even harder, but he has to remind himself that it's not always the case, because it's not always grief that makes you cry, but relief and so many other things he hopes were rather the case.

So he lets his mouth close at the mention of Komaeda's name, listening, trying to understand but he's still reeling a little— and then a lot, when he sees that smile, the claim of importance, the offer to help.

"You have the wrong guy," is the first thought he has, but how can he say that to somebody looking at him like that? How can he explain the nervousness he feels about being important to anybody, or the gut reaction to reject help that's offered to him, no matter how much in good will? What about him is there to grieve for, anyways? He's... a lot of things, but the last thing he'd want is to be pitied. More importantly, he's fine, now. He has a goal and a plan and no room for anybody else. ]

...What am I not remembering? It's something important to you, right? It wouldn't be fair to you if I didn't try.

[The smile becomes firmer, no longer trembling... but somehow sadder.]

I might sound a little crazy if I tell you, but...

[Hinata looks down at where he holds him. Warmth, a pulse, flesh alive under his touch. Safe and away from harm.]

I... guess it must've happen differently for you, if you didn't remember me. It would've been a few years ago, back when you were in middle school, probably.

[He meets Rokuro's gaze again. Determined and apologetic even as tears well but fall slowly.]

I watched you die. The four of us- we found you, and watched you die, and even though we tried so hard... There was nothing we could do to stop it. [And then, quietly-] And the world wouldn't even let me stay to pay respects to your body, or make sure your little sibling would be okay. It ripped us away and sent us back, trapped here again.

[He can still see Rokuro on the bed. Still hear Kogamo calling for them. He can't escape it, even - especially - in his dreams.]

[ ...his mouth falls open, only to close abruptly, teeth clenching, hoping Hinata didn't see, holding Hinata's gaze steady in his own and trying not to let anything he's feeling spill through them.

Because it's a mess of rage, fear, guilt, shame, hatred, frustration, helplessness, sorrow— the deepest darkest of the worst he's ever felt that overflows even as he clamps down tight on it. They have no right. Why is Hinata the one crying and not him, with his fists slowly clenching at his sides, enough for Hinata to be able to feel in his hands even with the careful expression on Rokuro's face. What is he even apologizing for? Not being able to save him? Only a miracle could have accomplished that, and the four of them... the six of them... they're only human. Why is Hinata crying... ]

...You're not the one who killed me.

[ However gentle his voice and his words were before, they take on a bit of an edge, now, one he tries to file smooth with a deep breath but it's a losing battle. Hinata has no reason to look so miserable; he shouldn't have to feel like this. ]

It's not your fault. I remember it differently, but... there was no saving me to begin with. You don't need to feel sorry about something you had no chance of succeeding in the first place.

[Surprise sweeps his face as he feels the tightening of muscles, the edge in tone that he catches at a slight delay.]

Arata...

[...But of course he's upset. Why wouldn't he be? He has more reason than anyone to be upset.]

There's no way... I can't be sad for you... Not when we were right there, not even when we had magic of all things- [And it wasn't enough. It still wasn't enough.] Even if it's more painful... I don't want to accept that there was nothing we could do. Why did something show that us... if there was no hope of making a difference to begin with...?

I don't know.

[ If it were up to him, nobody else would have seen that memory in the first place; he had it carefully locked up tight, so how did it get undone? ... ]

Sometimes things are hopeless. That's the harsh reality of the world. But you still tried, right? And that trying is important.

[ Even if you fail, and keep failing, the trying is important. It's something he believes in, anyways, but it doesn't answer the question about why other people were able to see it. Just as Hinata doesn't want to accept there was nothing they could do, Rokkun can't accept a past like that changing because somebody else was there. The future is built off the past, after all, and he's where he is right now because of it. ]

Trying even though it didn't save you...

[It stings. It burns. Aches, deep within him, in his mind's eyes where he can still see so much blood.

But he holds onto what Rokuro says, because it's something to hold onto even past his mind wanting to latch onto how they couldn't make a difference at all.]

But... I think you're probably right. No- [Hinata shakes his head.] You are right, because... the feelings and emotions of that time still matter. They're still important, even if it isn't fair that we couldn't save you. That's why... [He takes a breath. It shakes a little less.] I know for you... I'm probably not anything more than a stranger. But if there's anything that I can do for you, I will.

[For him or Kogamo, Hinata would do anything.]

[ Those are heavy words, a promise from a stranger to do whatever he can for him, and instead of gratitude Rokkun feels the discomfort claw at the pit of his stomach, the visceral need to push Hinata away and reject his help, however far into the future, however hypothetical. What is there anybody can do for him? There are days where he's at his wit's end, where he's backed into a corner with flames in front and a chasm behind, but what good is a hand that, by taking his, would simply be thrust into misery and grief? ]

Thanks... I mean it. But I think I'm doing fine, now. To be honest, how I'm feeling right now is worse than it was when I died, because at least I'm conscious for it this time. [ At least back then, he had the snow to numb the pain. ] I'm managing fine on my own.

[Hinata is quiet for a moment. Pulling a long breath as thinks.

Part of him wonders if he should say anything at all. But it weighs too heavily on him to leave it alone.]

You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but... Can I ask why it's worse now than back then? I still don't even really understand how you're alive now when you'd been dead, but- [Rokkun will feel him shiver slightly if he's still holding on.] Wouldn't the pain of dying have been much worse than being alive...?

...You don't remember dying, do you?

[ His first death, any of his deaths... Rokkun straightens up, rolling the stiffness out of his shoulders and shifts his weight from one leg to the other, because he was sort of talking about one thing but he could spin it this way too. ]

The pain of dying eventually ends. But when you're alive, you hurt all the time, it's one thing after another.

[ How he's alive even though he's been dead, he's not touching that. He doesn't really like to think about it. ]

[Hinata's entire face goes pale, mind wiped clear of everything else but that one sentence as his veins fill with ice.

"You don't remember dying, do you?"]

Of... Of course I don't, I've never...

[He's never?

His voice trails off. He can't say that with certainty, can he?]

Unless... [He swallows hard.] That time with Saihara... I thought it had to be a bad dream, but...

["There's no way I'd be here if I'd died."

It's what he instinctually goes to say. But there's no way he can say that to Rokuro of all people, is there?]

...How the hell is this possible? [Hinata staggers back, then to the side - reaches out to catch the wall, because if he doesn't right now he might collapse. There's a sick, dizzy feeling that sweeps through his body even as a sudden exhaustion weighs it down. He feels like when Monokuma told them they had to kill to leave Jabberwock, but it's amplified.] When- [His voice trembles, breaks, so Hinata squeezes his eyes shut and tries again.] When you... were alive again. Were there names of people that you weren't able to say, too?

[It's not really what Hinata wants to say - not the words he thinks either of them needs right now. But it's taking everything he has to not break down, so he grasps hold of the most logical things left to him. Decipher the truth. Figure out what's different between Rokuro's experience and his, and maybe something will become apparent.]

[ Ah... he's remembering. It's that sort of memory that's always been at the back of one's mind, skirting the peripherals and never being realized because there's that part of you which doesn't want to know; which cannot accept the reality of it. ]

Sit.

[ Any of the seats in the classroom would be fine, and Rokkun gestures vaguely towards them with a tilt of his head. This is less of a "you might want to sit down for this bad news" situation than it is a "if you fall, there is a zero percent chance I'll be able to move fast enough to catch you before you split your head open" situation, though. ]

I don't know the hows or whys, just that I'm still here and that's all that matters to me. That's all that should matter to you too. Don't get caught up in the past you can't change.

[ That said... there were names he could not remember, faces he would not see. But he remembers them now, and he remembers why he couldn't remember. Hinata's situation shouldn't be the same. ]

...my little brother and sister. They're who I couldn't remember. What about you?

[Ori either my reading comprehension is in the garbage or we teleported locations three times in this thread already but I'm excited either way because we're manifesting timejumper Rokkun thank you for making all of my dreams come true

Hinata breathes in, unsteady, but he nods at Rokkun's instructions and takes a seat. His fingers dig into the desk in front of him, with just a hint of regret for whichever student might have this seat, but he can't bring himself to think about it for long. Not with everything else on his mind.]

It's... hard, you know? Not because I want to stop myself from dying, but because that means I really couldn't save Saihara back then, even if we're both alive now. But...

[He clings to those words of someone who's gone through it as well, who understands. Even if's hard not to feel grief or regret, that isn't what will make a difference.]

...You're right, again. If there's nothing we can do to fix what's already happened, the only thing we can do is face what's ahead of us. [They have to create the future with their own hands.] Thank you, Arata.

[For... a lot.]

As for the people I couldn't remember... I had to learn their names after I woke up again, but the younger girl I tutored, Nene... and the boy that was my best friend here, Saihara. I tried so hard, but I... I couldn't. [Hinata shakes his head. The memory, the look on both of their faces that Hinata put there, still hurts.] But even if I forgot my important people... there's something I can give you.

[Hinata pushes his own pain to the side, and looks at Rokkun directly. When he speaks, his voice is gentle.

He can't do much... But he can do this.]

I'm... not sure which of them it was. They were so young, I couldn't be sure. But one of your siblings that was very young... You called them Kogamo.

[ OH NO IT'S ME i'm laughing, okay, Hinata goes to sit at a desk and suddenly they've time jumped back to the stairwell like they're supposed to be and he sits on a step and Rokkun goes back to crouching in front of him because he likes being face to face with people when they talk. To watch Hinata's expression and give him a Look at "not because I want to stop myself from dying" because that should be the hardest thing: how do you save anybody when you're dead?

Crouching becomes standing very quick (as best he can manage, pushing off on his knees instead of snapping straight up for dramatic effect, when he hears that name, and he turns away from Hinata so he doesn't have to see the mix of anger and grief and tenderness that passes across his face in the span of a heartbeat. ]

...my baby brother. You met— you said I called them that? What happened?

[I hate I laughed during this thread that I started out crying and will probably end crying, thank you Ori you're the best

After Hinata has or hasn't overcoming his location jumping trauma (?), he makes a distressed noise when Rokkun stands so suddenly.]

Arata-

[He reaches out, almost as if to take hold of him, but his hand falters and shakes a little in the air before it drops back to his side. He doesn't know if it would be wrong, to do something that suggests closeness like that when he doesn't even know what Rokuro thinks of him right now... But Hinata wishes there were someone here he could take comfort in, even if it's not from him.]

When we found you... [His voice is unsteady, so he clears his throat and shuts his eyes, trying again. He has to get through this. Even if it's hard, even it hurts, because Hinata owes him this much.] You were face down in a river. We almost lost you downstream, but Komaeda dived after you. Wrecked his artificial hand trying to catch you, at least until we got back to Yogen. I don't think he knew it was you right away, but I realized he must've known you from the way he talked about you.

[There's fondness, a bit of a sad smile, as Hinata recounts this part. But it drops off again into something more melancholy as he continues.]

Whatever got to you... had torn your body apart. [It's impossible, at this one point, for his voice to steady, or for his eyes to stay dry.] Sakasaki... had some kind of healing magic, and he tried, pleaded with it to work. It wasn't enough, but I think something about it reached your heart even if it didn't reach your body. You got up and forced yourself to move, and we helped you along as best we could. When I saw you were heading for a house, I broke off to run ahead and start yelling for help. [He ducks his head at what follows because he has to admit it a little sheepishly.] ...I'm sorry. I was panicked and loud, I scared your little brother a little. If I'd known there was only a young child alone in the house, I wouldn't have done it that way, but...

...In any case. That was when you called them by name, told them you were home. They were so happy when they opened the door, but when they saw what had happened to you...

[Hinata doesn't really realize it, that his face is soaked with tears. He hadn't even realized the tears had spilled out into silent crying.]

You wanted to go so badly... And you thanked us aftewards in that dark space we ended up in... But I can't stop thinking sometimes about how much they cried, and I wonder if it really was the right thing to do. [He thinks of Kogamo holding onto him, uses it like a balm. Back then, Hinata hadn't realized how much he'd needed that hug as much as they had.] After they held onto you... You only lasted a little while. You made it there... But it was too late.

[ He doesn't quite draw back, but his shoulders do square when Hinata reaches for him. It's just unexpected, as it Hinata's account of what happened. This is what he wanted to hear— did not want to hear, but did want to hear— the emotion and feeling that went into the experience that only happened in parallel to Rokkun's own.

Seeing the tears make his expression soften. Somehow, hearing about his death from an outside perspective... Hinata makes him sound braver than he knows he was, but his brother had cried... of course he would. To see him as he was, to watch his big brother die in front of him, there's no way this is any better than the reality of it all. No matter how nice it is to have somebody who would cry over his death, it isn't worth this. ]

...There was no way I could have survived what happened. I couldn't— [ ... ] I was convinced I had broken my spine. Even if I did survive, and make it back home, I wouldn't have been able to take care of him anymore. What happened sucks, but your version of the story would have been better in the long run.

[ It's only a story. It didn't happen. Don't cry. ]

Your spine?

[Hinata chokes it out, face swept with disbelief.]

If it was your spine, then how did you...

[Unless.

Unless something that Sakasaki did worked.]

...I see. [Hinata's eyes fall shut for just a moment, a sad smile pulling at his lips.] I understand now. Even if it didn't matter in the end... maybe something small can still change.

[When Hinata opens his eyes again, the smile slips off. There's still a few fresh ones here and there, but some of the tear tracks are finally starting to dry.]

I would've done anything I could, to give that to you. Sorry, though- [Hinata shakes his head quickly.] I know you said it's... better not to linger on the past, so...

[He's quiet for a moment. Weighs in his head what would be a good idea to say.]

...What will you do now? Are you going to look for Kogamo and your sister?

[ Sometimes you get mauled by a bear and fall off a cliff and break your spine; the whole experience was long and torturous but hazy enough that there isn't really anything for him to fixate upon if he thinks back on it.

...well. As long as Hinata can smile, however sad and brief, Rokkun can take up the mantle and smile in his stead, if only for a little reassurance. ]

I already know where they are. I'm going to graduate, and I'm going to go home, and I'm going to take Kogamo away with me. We'll go get my sister, too.

[ And then... he'll figure out what comes next, like he always does. But he is so so convinced that graduating means getting his second chance, means going back to the split where he went left instead of right and never ran into that bear, was able to make it home in time for supper, gave his dad the ultimatum of needing to choose between his work and his family. This is what needs to happen, because otherwise, it'll all be pointless. ]

npc contact.2

full navigation

no subject

I didn't really need to 1/2 but I wanted to 1/2 for the effect

2/2

no subject

bro I don't have enough crying icons for this

https://v.dreamwidth.org/12089788/2561931 this always gets me but doesn't fit the mood

I was so close to using it but it didn't feel right, yeah.........

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject