yogen | npc contact.2

[Surprise sweeps his face as he feels the tightening of muscles, the edge in tone that he catches at a slight delay.]

Arata...

[...But of course he's upset. Why wouldn't he be? He has more reason than anyone to be upset.]

There's no way... I can't be sad for you... Not when we were right there, not even when we had magic of all things- [And it wasn't enough. It still wasn't enough.] Even if it's more painful... I don't want to accept that there was nothing we could do. Why did something show that us... if there was no hope of making a difference to begin with...?

I don't know.

[ If it were up to him, nobody else would have seen that memory in the first place; he had it carefully locked up tight, so how did it get undone? ... ]

Sometimes things are hopeless. That's the harsh reality of the world. But you still tried, right? And that trying is important.

[ Even if you fail, and keep failing, the trying is important. It's something he believes in, anyways, but it doesn't answer the question about why other people were able to see it. Just as Hinata doesn't want to accept there was nothing they could do, Rokkun can't accept a past like that changing because somebody else was there. The future is built off the past, after all, and he's where he is right now because of it. ]

Trying even though it didn't save you...

[It stings. It burns. Aches, deep within him, in his mind's eyes where he can still see so much blood.

But he holds onto what Rokuro says, because it's something to hold onto even past his mind wanting to latch onto how they couldn't make a difference at all.]

But... I think you're probably right. No- [Hinata shakes his head.] You are right, because... the feelings and emotions of that time still matter. They're still important, even if it isn't fair that we couldn't save you. That's why... [He takes a breath. It shakes a little less.] I know for you... I'm probably not anything more than a stranger. But if there's anything that I can do for you, I will.

[For him or Kogamo, Hinata would do anything.]

[ Those are heavy words, a promise from a stranger to do whatever he can for him, and instead of gratitude Rokkun feels the discomfort claw at the pit of his stomach, the visceral need to push Hinata away and reject his help, however far into the future, however hypothetical. What is there anybody can do for him? There are days where he's at his wit's end, where he's backed into a corner with flames in front and a chasm behind, but what good is a hand that, by taking his, would simply be thrust into misery and grief? ]

Thanks... I mean it. But I think I'm doing fine, now. To be honest, how I'm feeling right now is worse than it was when I died, because at least I'm conscious for it this time. [ At least back then, he had the snow to numb the pain. ] I'm managing fine on my own.

[Hinata is quiet for a moment. Pulling a long breath as thinks.

Part of him wonders if he should say anything at all. But it weighs too heavily on him to leave it alone.]

You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but... Can I ask why it's worse now than back then? I still don't even really understand how you're alive now when you'd been dead, but- [Rokkun will feel him shiver slightly if he's still holding on.] Wouldn't the pain of dying have been much worse than being alive...?

...You don't remember dying, do you?

[ His first death, any of his deaths... Rokkun straightens up, rolling the stiffness out of his shoulders and shifts his weight from one leg to the other, because he was sort of talking about one thing but he could spin it this way too. ]

The pain of dying eventually ends. But when you're alive, you hurt all the time, it's one thing after another.

[ How he's alive even though he's been dead, he's not touching that. He doesn't really like to think about it. ]

[Hinata's entire face goes pale, mind wiped clear of everything else but that one sentence as his veins fill with ice.

"You don't remember dying, do you?"]

Of... Of course I don't, I've never...

[He's never?

His voice trails off. He can't say that with certainty, can he?]

Unless... [He swallows hard.] That time with Saihara... I thought it had to be a bad dream, but...

["There's no way I'd be here if I'd died."

It's what he instinctually goes to say. But there's no way he can say that to Rokuro of all people, is there?]

...How the hell is this possible? [Hinata staggers back, then to the side - reaches out to catch the wall, because if he doesn't right now he might collapse. There's a sick, dizzy feeling that sweeps through his body even as a sudden exhaustion weighs it down. He feels like when Monokuma told them they had to kill to leave Jabberwock, but it's amplified.] When- [His voice trembles, breaks, so Hinata squeezes his eyes shut and tries again.] When you... were alive again. Were there names of people that you weren't able to say, too?

[It's not really what Hinata wants to say - not the words he thinks either of them needs right now. But it's taking everything he has to not break down, so he grasps hold of the most logical things left to him. Decipher the truth. Figure out what's different between Rokuro's experience and his, and maybe something will become apparent.]

[ Ah... he's remembering. It's that sort of memory that's always been at the back of one's mind, skirting the peripherals and never being realized because there's that part of you which doesn't want to know; which cannot accept the reality of it. ]

Sit.

[ Any of the seats in the classroom would be fine, and Rokkun gestures vaguely towards them with a tilt of his head. This is less of a "you might want to sit down for this bad news" situation than it is a "if you fall, there is a zero percent chance I'll be able to move fast enough to catch you before you split your head open" situation, though. ]

I don't know the hows or whys, just that I'm still here and that's all that matters to me. That's all that should matter to you too. Don't get caught up in the past you can't change.

[ That said... there were names he could not remember, faces he would not see. But he remembers them now, and he remembers why he couldn't remember. Hinata's situation shouldn't be the same. ]

...my little brother and sister. They're who I couldn't remember. What about you?

[Ori either my reading comprehension is in the garbage or we teleported locations three times in this thread already but I'm excited either way because we're manifesting timejumper Rokkun thank you for making all of my dreams come true

Hinata breathes in, unsteady, but he nods at Rokkun's instructions and takes a seat. His fingers dig into the desk in front of him, with just a hint of regret for whichever student might have this seat, but he can't bring himself to think about it for long. Not with everything else on his mind.]

It's... hard, you know? Not because I want to stop myself from dying, but because that means I really couldn't save Saihara back then, even if we're both alive now. But...

[He clings to those words of someone who's gone through it as well, who understands. Even if's hard not to feel grief or regret, that isn't what will make a difference.]

...You're right, again. If there's nothing we can do to fix what's already happened, the only thing we can do is face what's ahead of us. [They have to create the future with their own hands.] Thank you, Arata.

[For... a lot.]

As for the people I couldn't remember... I had to learn their names after I woke up again, but the younger girl I tutored, Nene... and the boy that was my best friend here, Saihara. I tried so hard, but I... I couldn't. [Hinata shakes his head. The memory, the look on both of their faces that Hinata put there, still hurts.] But even if I forgot my important people... there's something I can give you.

[Hinata pushes his own pain to the side, and looks at Rokkun directly. When he speaks, his voice is gentle.

He can't do much... But he can do this.]

I'm... not sure which of them it was. They were so young, I couldn't be sure. But one of your siblings that was very young... You called them Kogamo.

[ OH NO IT'S ME i'm laughing, okay, Hinata goes to sit at a desk and suddenly they've time jumped back to the stairwell like they're supposed to be and he sits on a step and Rokkun goes back to crouching in front of him because he likes being face to face with people when they talk. To watch Hinata's expression and give him a Look at "not because I want to stop myself from dying" because that should be the hardest thing: how do you save anybody when you're dead?

Crouching becomes standing very quick (as best he can manage, pushing off on his knees instead of snapping straight up for dramatic effect, when he hears that name, and he turns away from Hinata so he doesn't have to see the mix of anger and grief and tenderness that passes across his face in the span of a heartbeat. ]

...my baby brother. You met— you said I called them that? What happened?

[I hate I laughed during this thread that I started out crying and will probably end crying, thank you Ori you're the best

After Hinata has or hasn't overcoming his location jumping trauma (?), he makes a distressed noise when Rokkun stands so suddenly.]

Arata-

[He reaches out, almost as if to take hold of him, but his hand falters and shakes a little in the air before it drops back to his side. He doesn't know if it would be wrong, to do something that suggests closeness like that when he doesn't even know what Rokuro thinks of him right now... But Hinata wishes there were someone here he could take comfort in, even if it's not from him.]

When we found you... [His voice is unsteady, so he clears his throat and shuts his eyes, trying again. He has to get through this. Even if it's hard, even it hurts, because Hinata owes him this much.] You were face down in a river. We almost lost you downstream, but Komaeda dived after you. Wrecked his artificial hand trying to catch you, at least until we got back to Yogen. I don't think he knew it was you right away, but I realized he must've known you from the way he talked about you.

[There's fondness, a bit of a sad smile, as Hinata recounts this part. But it drops off again into something more melancholy as he continues.]

Whatever got to you... had torn your body apart. [It's impossible, at this one point, for his voice to steady, or for his eyes to stay dry.] Sakasaki... had some kind of healing magic, and he tried, pleaded with it to work. It wasn't enough, but I think something about it reached your heart even if it didn't reach your body. You got up and forced yourself to move, and we helped you along as best we could. When I saw you were heading for a house, I broke off to run ahead and start yelling for help. [He ducks his head at what follows because he has to admit it a little sheepishly.] ...I'm sorry. I was panicked and loud, I scared your little brother a little. If I'd known there was only a young child alone in the house, I wouldn't have done it that way, but...

...In any case. That was when you called them by name, told them you were home. They were so happy when they opened the door, but when they saw what had happened to you...

[Hinata doesn't really realize it, that his face is soaked with tears. He hadn't even realized the tears had spilled out into silent crying.]

You wanted to go so badly... And you thanked us aftewards in that dark space we ended up in... But I can't stop thinking sometimes about how much they cried, and I wonder if it really was the right thing to do. [He thinks of Kogamo holding onto him, uses it like a balm. Back then, Hinata hadn't realized how much he'd needed that hug as much as they had.] After they held onto you... You only lasted a little while. You made it there... But it was too late.

[ He doesn't quite draw back, but his shoulders do square when Hinata reaches for him. It's just unexpected, as it Hinata's account of what happened. This is what he wanted to hear— did not want to hear, but did want to hear— the emotion and feeling that went into the experience that only happened in parallel to Rokkun's own.

Seeing the tears make his expression soften. Somehow, hearing about his death from an outside perspective... Hinata makes him sound braver than he knows he was, but his brother had cried... of course he would. To see him as he was, to watch his big brother die in front of him, there's no way this is any better than the reality of it all. No matter how nice it is to have somebody who would cry over his death, it isn't worth this. ]

...There was no way I could have survived what happened. I couldn't— [ ... ] I was convinced I had broken my spine. Even if I did survive, and make it back home, I wouldn't have been able to take care of him anymore. What happened sucks, but your version of the story would have been better in the long run.

[ It's only a story. It didn't happen. Don't cry. ]

Your spine?

[Hinata chokes it out, face swept with disbelief.]

If it was your spine, then how did you...

[Unless.

Unless something that Sakasaki did worked.]

...I see. [Hinata's eyes fall shut for just a moment, a sad smile pulling at his lips.] I understand now. Even if it didn't matter in the end... maybe something small can still change.

[When Hinata opens his eyes again, the smile slips off. There's still a few fresh ones here and there, but some of the tear tracks are finally starting to dry.]

I would've done anything I could, to give that to you. Sorry, though- [Hinata shakes his head quickly.] I know you said it's... better not to linger on the past, so...

[He's quiet for a moment. Weighs in his head what would be a good idea to say.]

...What will you do now? Are you going to look for Kogamo and your sister?

[ Sometimes you get mauled by a bear and fall off a cliff and break your spine; the whole experience was long and torturous but hazy enough that there isn't really anything for him to fixate upon if he thinks back on it.

...well. As long as Hinata can smile, however sad and brief, Rokkun can take up the mantle and smile in his stead, if only for a little reassurance. ]

I already know where they are. I'm going to graduate, and I'm going to go home, and I'm going to take Kogamo away with me. We'll go get my sister, too.

[ And then... he'll figure out what comes next, like he always does. But he is so so convinced that graduating means getting his second chance, means going back to the split where he went left instead of right and never ran into that bear, was able to make it home in time for supper, gave his dad the ultimatum of needing to choose between his work and his family. This is what needs to happen, because otherwise, it'll all be pointless. ]

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